Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #1: Napoleon

8 Nov

Napoleon was unarguably one of the greatest military minds in the history of the world, using military tactics that were decades ahead of his time and earning the adoration not only of his own people, but of those he conquered (just ask Leo Tolstoy about the Napoleon-boner that he and the rest of Russia developed).

Napoleon was also a huge, huge dick.

We’ve got to give Napoleon credit for one thing: the man knew what he wanted.  Whether that was France, Russia, or a woman named Joséphine, Napoleon was man who got his way.  His first wife, Joséphine de Beauharnais, had been known as Rose for her entire life.  No longer, said Napoleon, who not only would not call her Rose, but demanded that she go by Joséphine from that point forward. Which she did (in retrospect, she seems to have been a bit of a pussy–perhaps the perfect complement to Napoleon’s dick).

She does seem a bit passive.

But then again, we’re all dicks in our personal lives. Who hasn’t demanded that a woman change her name to please us?  The rest of us though, we have never had an enormous army at our disposal.  Napoleon, however, did, and used that army to kill a fuckton of people (approximately).

Napoleon was a master of outflanking his enemies, a term which you and I know as “putting your enemy at a disadvantage by forcing him to adjust and reinforce weaker areas of his lines,” but Napoleon knew as “forcing your enemy to retreat and then decimating his disorganized forces as they flee in terror.”  Yes, Napoleon liked nothing more than terrorizing his enemies to the point that they either fled in terror, at which point he shot them, or fell to their knees, begged for their lives, and joined his forces so that they, too, could shoot retreating peasants in the back.

At some point, apparently believing himself to be God, Napoleon decided that it would be a good idea to invade Russia.  This was a dick move for a number of reasons, not the least of which involved the Russian winter, which has been decimating invading armies since the beginning of time.

But it looks so inviting though!

Here are some statistics from Napoleon’s Russian campaign that ought to boggle your mind:
360,000 French soldiers lost (most killed by the winter).
150,000 Russian soldiers lost (only counting those killed in battle).
Moscow: Burned to the ground after Napoleon captured it by Russia’s own people, who apparently thought that Napoleon was such a dick that they’d rather burn their shit than let Napoleon have it.

And why did Napoleon leave Moscow?  Did the Russian people rise up and throw him out?  Did he just get tired of Russia?  Nope, Napoleon eventually had to leave Russia because he was worried that someone would try to usurp his throne back in France.  That’s right; Napoleon has just conquered half of the known world, including the previously unconquerable Russia, and went home because, much like an abusive boyfriend, he couldn’t stand the thought of what France was doing when he wasn’t around.

Of course, France wouldn’t really fully come into its battered woman image until Napoleon returned from his first exile.  Less than a year after Europe collectively sent Napoleon to Elba, Napoleon escaped to France with the small navy he had managed to generate in Elba, and reclaimed his armed forces who were understandably eager to follow a man who had only three years before allowed 90% of their fellow soldiers die in the Russian snow.  But Goddammit Napoleon was hell bent on skullfucking Glory into their heads, which meant overlooking inconvenient things like “history.”

Despite the fact that just about every major power in Europe had united against Napoleon 10 months before, France continue to give history the finger and welcome Napoleon back into the capital like Mel Gibson crawling back into bed.

Not pictures: Historical awareness.

Napoleon, for his part, continued to abuse France in the only way he knew how: by trying to conquer neighboring territories and losing battles in which he was absurdly outmatched (Napoleon, in typical dick fashion, failed to account for the fact that you cannot outflank an enemy that is surrounding you on all sides).  France was crushed for the second time in as many years, and the French military was crippled beyond all repair, as evidenced by the fact that they are approximately 0-81845 in post-Napoleon battles.

Exiled to the middle of the Atlantic, did Napoleon A) live out his days in peace, writing his memoirs and reflecting? Did he B) take his own life in a fit of passion, unable to live with the greatness he had left behind? Did he C) spend his final years bitching about his caretaker and complaining the the English were trying to kill him?  If you said C, you would be correct.  Napoleon spent the remainder of his days complaining that the home he had been exiled to was too shitty, that the English were trying to kill him with bad weather and leaky roofs, and just being an all around whiny dick.

Pictured: the English weapon of choice.

To recap: Napoleon. Great man. Conqueror. Dick.

  • Made his wife change her name because he felt like it, then cheated on her because that bitch didn’t have kids.
  • Conquered his neighbors just because he fuckin’ could.
  • Slaughtered retreating armies.
  • Used those who surrendered to him as cannon fodder for his next assault.
  • Prompted another country to burn their own capital city to the ground just so he couldn’t have it.
  • Got 90% of his army killed  because he couldn’t read a calendar.
  • Viewed France approximately the same way Sean Connery views women.
  • Decimated France’s ability to win wars, apparently forever.
  • When he was finally beaten, spent the rest of his days acting like a crotchety grandfather in a nursing home.

"When I was your age, the Russians were burning their own capital because of me!"

Not pictured: Historical awareness.
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