Black Friday: The Gauntlet of Superficial Consumerism

25 Nov

Reader: Wait, what is this?  It’s Thursday?  I expect all of the Dick of the Week and Dick Hall of Fame posts to come on Sunday/Monday or Tuesday if you’ve been lazy.

I am well aware of this and usually enjoy the arduous task of “catching up” on all of the past and present dicks in the world.  However, some yearly occasions require extra detail.  Some occasions are so saturated in dickishness (screw you spell check)  that I would be remiss if I didn’t provide you with some insight into these occasions.  And so, we are pleased to present the Dick of the Week Special Something.  I did not want to seem pretentious and did not know what else to call this.  So, let us begin.

Black (politically correct?) Friday: The Gauntlet of Superficial Consumerism

The day where normally sane Americans will rise from their turkey soaked dreams at 3 or 4 in the morning and line up in front of stores to reap the benefits of a 6 am discounted shopping spree.  Good.  Lord.  I will not provide you with any examples for this, as I am sure your easy access televisions, email inboxes, web sites, mail, billboards and sandwich men will have caught you up.

Think of it as a "Pop Up" in the 1920s

The only thing that amazes me more than this ritual, is the fact that someone always seems to die on this day.  People are actually so devoid of human emotion that they would trample someone to death just to get a television marked down to $99.  Where did this unholy day come from?  The day was created when good old FDR moved Thanksgiving UP a week in 1939 to give businesses an extra week for holiday shopping.  Fantastic.  We moved the day we are supposed to be honoring when our ancestors “broke bread” with the natives, who we basically killed off, so that we could GET ANOTHER WEEK OF SHOPPING.  I suppose the irony of this run-on sentence will be lost because this grievous offense pales in comparison to raping their entire culture and stealing their land.

At this point, I'm not sure what else we can disrespect

Why is this day always seen as a positive day?  Why are we so eager to ruin one of our few holidays just to get a head start on the next one?  These people are so eager to be seen as the good parent/son/daughter/husband/wife/in law because god forbid you don’t give your kid the tickle my balls elmo.  It is almost a competition or source of pride to be able to pull yourself up during the wee hours of the morning after eating and drinking the night before.  I will share a nice story from my childhood.  A friend of mine always had all of the new Power Rangers (circa 1995) toys and, being the wide-eyed innocent lad that I was, I asked my mother why I never got them.  She informed me that the stores didn’t have them, and that I would have to wait.  One day, I pressed her too much and she told me how my friends parent always retrieved those prized plastic trophies.  The parent would rise at 4am to go to the store and then corner a worker until they gave her the toys.  One time, she literally shook some 17-year-old to get the new Turtle Van (Don’t care, still bitter about that one).  At the time, I thought she didn’t care.   The sad part is that this is not fabricated and is by no means original.  I’m sure everyone has heard a story like this.  I realized my mother was just being normal; shopping should not come dangerously close to assault.

Don't care, it's still cool

Here’s how our society works:  You go to the store WHEN IT IS OPEN and you either suck it up if they don’t have what you want or you go to another store.  Very simple.  You don’t sit outside the store at 4am in sleeping bags with a thermos of coffee (and probably peeing in plastic bottles) to talk to some prick who you’d kill just to get the last HD tv.  That’s reserved for concerts and free food giveaways.

It really boggles my mind how these people conduct themselves.  Story time.  When I played pee wee hockey, our ice times were at 5am, and, one Black Friday, my dad had the unenviable task of driving me there.  His foray into a Wal-Mart before the game would change his life.  He was in the eye of a hurricane of frantic humans grabbing anything they could.  He was then head-butted by a four-foot woman reaching for a movie she would eventually put back.  And the lines were so long that he didn’t bother to buy anything.

These reasons have made realize that anyone who participates in Black Friday will always be labeled a dick.  None of you are going out there to buy gifts for lesser privileged children; these gifts are all for you or your family.  Chill out.  You still have 3 weeks.  Just order all of your stuff online.  Though some stores are trying to get people to wake up for “early deals“that are only available online.  Just be aware if you wake up early for this; you will only be sharing the internet with serial killers and people fapping to porn because no normal person goes online at 5am on the Friday after Thanksgiving.

You are all terrible people


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