Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #5: Jose, Jose, We Love You Jose

29 Nov

Some days, it’s really fun to write for Dick of the Week.  I really enjoy calling, for instance, Brett Favre, a self-obsessed pandering piece of shit.  Because he is!  And he sucks.  However, other days, calling someone else a self-obsessed pandering piece of shit can be a much sadder job.  Today is one such day, because entry number five into the Dick Hall of Fame is a man who is perhaps our favorite dick of all: Jose Mourinho.

There's only one Jose Mourinho.

Jose Mourinho is the current manager of the Spanish soccer (sorry  elitists, but Dick of the Week is an American blog, and that makes Jose a Goddamn soccer manager) team Real Madrid, though he has in the past served as the manager of Inter Milan (in Italy), Chelsea (in England), and F.C. Porto (in Portugal).  As manager of F.C. Porto, Jose won the Portuguese league twice in two years, as well as winning the Champions League once, making him one of the most sought after managers in the sport.  As manager of Chelsea, he won the Premier League, perhaps the most competitive league in Europe, twice.  In Italy, he guided Inter to two league championships in two years and again won the Champions League.  Following his Champions League victory, Jose announced that he would be the next manager of Real Madrid.

The first thing you may notice is that Jose Mourinho has had a striking amount of success as a manager.  Not many managers have won two Champions League titles, let alone six domestic league titles.  The second thing that you may notice is that not only has Jose failed to stay with a single team for more than three years, he has failed to stay in the same league for more than three years.  This is because Jose is an enormous dick.  He left Porto because of a desire to manage in a bigger league.  Understandable, but still, abandoning your team right after you win the Champions League: dick move.  He left Chelsea (or was fired, depending on who you ask) because he and the owner, the perhaps-equally-dickish Roman Abramovich, hated each others’ guts.  He left Inter because of his desire to manage a more famous club, again, immediately after his team won the Champions League.  In fact, he announced that he was leaving at the press conference following the victory.  Wow.  Dick.

"Yeah well shut up, faggot." -Jose Mourinho (citation needed)

Honestly, when I first sat down to try to plan out a Jose Mourinho Dick Hall of Fame post, my first instinct was to just put a link to WikiQuote and leave it at that.  Honest to God, we at Dick of the Week pray every day that someone will have the idea to hook Jose up to a live audio feed and just leave it running 24/7.  We’d never turn it off.  Dick of the Week productivity would plummet (below even its current shameful levels).

Jose’s nickname is “The Special One.”  The Special One.  Yes, his success makes him special.  Yes, he is special because he won two Champions Leagues, with two different clubs, no less.  But none of these things are the reason for the nickname.  The nickname springs from his news conference following his introduction as Chelsea manager, in which he stated: “Please don’t call me arrogant, but I’m European champion and I think I’m a special one.”  Roughly translated from Mourinho-speak, this essentially means “listen peons, I’m way the fuck better than you, but if you’re gonna call me names because you’re jealous, then fire away I guess.”  We at Dick of the Week respect this.  “If I wanted to have an easy job I would have stayed at Porto. Beautiful blue chair, the UEFA Champions League trophy, God, and after God, me.”  It takes some huge balls to put yourself one step below fucking GOD.  Or, in this case, a huge dick.

In fact, sometimes Jose says things that are so delightfully wonderful that we can’t help but wonder if he is intentionally being nonsensical just to fuck with the rest of us.  Again, we’re not sure if that makes him a dick or not, but quotes like “look at my haircut. I am ready for the war,” make our lives just a little more worthwhile.  And of course there was his recent quote, “look, I’m a coach, I’m not Harry Potter. He is magical, but in reality there is no magic. Magic is fiction and football is real.”  We…guess we can see where he was going with that?  Something about…unreasonable expectations…and…the importance of being realistic? And…oh, fuck it.

Not Pictured: Jose Mourinho

Oh, and remember how a little while ago we mentioned that Jose announced that he would be the next manager of Real Madrid?  Yeah, Real already HAD a manager when Jose made that announcement.  But Jose is such an amazing dick that he made the announcement fully confident that Real would fire their manager in order to accommodate him.  And they did.  Honestly, can you really call him a dick when he can back it up that thoroughly (answer: yes, but still)?  He basically named himself manager of one of the biggest clubs in all of Europe, and they bent to his will like a sapling in a Goddamn hurricane.

Mourinho’s relationship with fans is an interesting one, as he delights in taunting opposing fans and makes little or no effort to pander to his own.  As he said when unveiled at Real, “I am Jose Mourinho and I don’t change. I arrive with all my qualities and my defects.”  Mourinho has made headlines by calling Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger a voyeur, calling Juventus fans ignorant, telling his old Chelsea fans that Inter’s fans were better while STILL managing to insult Italian soccer, shushing Liverpool fans with a gesture that saw him escorted from the pitch, repeating the same gesture, this time directed at his OWN FANS…there are so many more examples of Jose’s blatant dickishness toward fans that, really, we could change the name of this blog to Jose Mourinho’s Dick Moment of the Week and probably still have enough material to keep us going for years.

So far Jose has managed teams in Portugal, England, Italy, and Spain, and, having been run out of the first three countries, we can only surmise that it’s just a matter of time until he flees Spain as well.  If he wants to check a few more countries off his list, we can only pray (and we do, every day) that someday we might get a glimpse of MLS manager Jose Mourinho, dragging DC United to an undefeated season while the American sports media struggles to figure out how to handle this man.  Frankly though, we don’t care where Jose manages, as long as he never, ever stops talking.

Air guitar solo, motherfucker.


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