Dick of the Week: FIFA

2 Dec

I know, I know, this post is WAY early.  But sometimes, world events necessitate that we here at Dick of the Week get off our lazy asses and write a report while it’s still timely.  Though the week isn’t over, the Dick of the Week for the week of November 29 to December 5 is clearly and without question the Federation Internationale de Football Association, better known as FIFA.  I know I’ve said it before, but I know I’m going to have to reiterate here: Dick of the Week is an AMERICAN blog, and if you think we’re a bunch of homers for even writing this entry, then you’re Goddamn right we’re a bunch of homers.  But that doesn’t change the fact that Sepp Blatter and the rest of his FIFA cronies are among the biggest dicks in the world.

"Haters gonna hate." -Sepp Blatter

Many will say that we are only writing this entry because of FIFA’s recent decisions regarding the hosts of the 2018 and 2022 World Cups, and to that we can only say “oooo, you’re so perceptive! You should be a detective with those reasoning skills!”  Yes, for those who are unaware, today was the day that FIFA announced their vote about who would host the World Cups through 2022.  Many countries put forward bids for the events, including the United States,  Great Britain, Russia, Qatar, Portugal, Spain, Australia, South Korea, and others.

No, I didn’t sneeze in the middle of typing that. One of the countries that submitted a bid for the 2022 World Cup was Qatar.  If you’ve never heard of Qatar, congratulations, you’re one of the 90% of Americans who helped make “Quatar” a trending topic on Twitter today.  But let’s be honest, it’s not like we can really blame people for not having heard of Qatar.  It is in the middle of nowhere, after all, jutting into the Persian Gulf like a Saudi wart.  Americans don’t tend to know much about Middle East geography in the first place, but Qatar is memorably forgettable.  It’s literally all sand.  The CIA World Factbook tells us that Qatar has only 1.65% arable land. Fuck, dude! 1.65%? How did these people fucking survive long enough to put together a World Cup bid?

Remember, this is a country the size of Connecticut.  It has a population of about 840,000, again according to the CIA.  Now, let’s think.  Just this past year South Africa hosted its first World Cup.  Estimates placed the number of tourists present in the country for the tournament at over 1.4 million people.  You might recognize this number as way more than the entire population of Qatar. Where are these people going to stay?  How in the world is there enough food or water in this country for any people, let alone an extra million plus?  What would stop another 1.4 million tourists from traveling to a Qatar World Cup?

Oh. Right.

Now of course, the list of 2022 bids was pretty stacked. Australia, Japan, the US, South Korea…with all of these capable, industrialized, and…well…greener countries on the list, there was obviously no way that FIFA could possibly choose Qatar as the 2022 World Cup host.

Except they did.  Because FIFA’s governing body is apparently made up of complete idiots.

Now let’s be fair.  We’re not saying that Qatar doesn’t deserve a World Cup ever. But, ah, maybe we should hold off until we have, I don’t know, weather control technology?   Part of FIFA’s job as soccer’s governing body is to protect its players.  That’s why they hand down suspensions and fines while helping create rules for a safer game. And yet, they chose to host soccer’s flagship tournament in a desert country.  Guus Hiddink, who has managed Australia, South Korea, and the Netherlands in various World Cups, has already expressed alarm at the fact that temperatures in Qatar can reach as high as 122 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT during the months of June and July, the months the tournament is held.  Hiddink listed this as a “potential health hazard for players and spectators” on his report, but FIFA was apparently satisfied with Qatar’s promise to air-condition their stadiums (which are mandated to be open-air), which they promise will lower temperatures to around 86 degrees.  Oh, okay, no problem then.

Why would FIFA choose Qatar?   Well, Qatar certainly has oil money…but it’s not like FIFA has a history of bribery scandals or anything.  No, surely no one could question the integrity of the FIFA decision process.  Surely not.  Of course, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has constantly resisted calls for a thorough investigation, so we will probably never know in our lifetime whether the bribery scandals are true or not, but, Jesus Christ, doesn’t the law of averages imply that at least a couple of these allegations have to be true?  Whether that factored into the Qatar decision or not doesn’t really matter–FIFA are a bunch of dicks either way for choosing such a shitty location in the first place.

Pictured: Soccer City, Qatar

So, yeah. For damning the world’s soccer players to play in possibly the most hostile environment possible, for sending spectators to a country where there is literally nothing for them to do, for inviting Qatar’s police force to keep control over a crowd almost double the population of the entire country, for probably taking a few bribes along the way, and for snubbing several large, wealthy countries with emerging soccer markets, FIFA is your official Dick of the Week.

Honorable Mentions

Angelina Jolie: In her directorial debut, Mrs. Pitt has decided to direct a love story set in the Bosnian war. With the story focusing on an affair between a Muslim woman in a concentration camp and one of her captors, Mrs. Pitt has come under attack from Bosnian woman groups calling her insensitive for romanticizing what were, for all intents and purposes, rape camps, and for crafting a story that would have been effectively impossible.  With the UN questioning her role as a Goodwill Ambassador as a result of this, there can be little doubt that Angelina Jolie would have been your Dick of the Week had FIFA not stepped up to the plate.

NASA: This week, NASA tantalized us with the promise of an upcoming announcement that would impact the search for extraterrestrial life. With speculation ranging from the discovery of microscopic life on Mars to the discovery of a new chemical basis for life (Dick of the Week had our money on silicon), NASA today announced that they had discovered, in a lake, on Earth, life forms based–no, no, partially based–on arsenic.  Though this may expand the definition of life, we have to call NASA major dicks for building up our hopes and then announcing something that they found on EARTH.

Thanks, pollution!

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2 Responses to “Dick of the Week: FIFA”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Midweek Dicks: Sepp Blatter « Dick of the Week - December 15, 2010

    […] Blatter apparently wasn’t satisfied with our previous entry on him and the rest of FIFA, and has attempted to top himself, this time by angering gay groups […]

  2. Sepp Blatter: The Gift That Keeps On Giving « Dick of the Week - January 7, 2011

    […] any case,  Sepp Blatter was apparently not satisfied with being made Dick of the Week back in November, nor was he satisfied with his follow up quotes making headlines on our beloved […]

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