Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #6: Ben Affleck

5 Dec

Welcome one and all to another scintillating edition of our Dick Hall of Fame; where we identify those who have had a long-standing dick reputation that does not diminish with age.  Like the scent of an old gym bag or a french cheese.  Now we have been on quite the kick of athletes recently so with that hall of fame entry, I thought I’d write about an actor.  Get ready to drop your “r”s and add some “ah”s because we are going after a Massachusetts actor.  Benjamin Affleck.

I err em would like a pahty plattah

Ben Affleck is another one of those “boston” actors who strikes us with his consistent string of frustratingly bad movies, questionable start to his career, and ridiculous sense of entitlement that many of these actors seem to possess.  But let’s start at the beginning with Good Will Hunting.

Ben Affleck has had a well publicized friendship with his childhood friend Matt Damon and both actors broke onto the scene with their screen play for what became Good Will Hunting.  The movie was a very popular/well received and ended up winning a lot of awards.  It has been a fairly popular/accepted rumor that Matt Damon, the Havard educated actor, wrote the majority of the script while Affleck only made supporting remarks.

Family Guy is popular opinion

But hey, we weren’t necessarily there and when you are working to make it in Hollywood, why wouldn’t you help your friend?  Plus other people have made claims that they wrote the screenplay.  Yes, Damon was better educated and the idea appears to have come from a piece that he wrote(by himself) in college. But Matt Damon is a nice, guy and they both got Awards for the work which would go on to launch their careers. This is where it gets interesting with Affleck.

Pearl Harbor. No he’s not that old. Pearl Harbor was another one of those WWII Movies that got released in the late 90’s, early 2000’s. Many of these movies were high budget with lots of special effects and always put a premium on realism/accuracy (Even in fictional stories). This movie was ripped apart by some reviews because of its length (3 hours) and the fact that it turned into a LOVE STORY more than a war movie (The attack doesn’t start until the 1.5 hour mark/only lasts 35 minutes).  What the hell.  A further analysis from that same review which puts it ever so perfectly “its cheesy attempt to appeal to women, running at three hours long…the actual invasion in 1941 only lasted for less than two.”  An opportunity to be involved in a striking, historic, dramatic movie that portrays one of the most significant points in our countries history, and you give us a love story.  But hey, it’s not the first time actors have pushed a love story where one clearly doesn’t belong.

His movies don’t stop there.  Gigli:  a Hollywood couple thinking that their real love would translate into fictional love. Jersey Girl wasn’t bad, per say, as much as it was another movie with Jennifer Lopez.  I’m not sure where to go with this one.  Is it the fact that his leading roles seem to be poor movies or the fact that he thinks that people will pay money to see these movies because he and Jennifer Lopez are in it.  Ben has impressively been nominated for the Golden Raspberry 3 of 4 years finally winning it in 2003.

Any publicity is good publicity, right Ben?

With all of this information, we can still admit that Affleck is a moderately successful actor.  He has also been involved in some very good cult classic movies such as Mallrats and Dogma.  But he wouldn’t interpret this as an artificial mandate to get politically involved because people will pay attention to him, right?  “…he simply recognizes the power of his celebrity and wants to use it to get John Kerry elected.”.Bingo.  An interesting subject that we have not really touched on but LOVE to call people out on.  Listen, I understand that as a celebrity you get extra attention and you will be tempted to use it to tell people what to think.

Here’s the thing, you aren’t normal like the rest of us.  You have done nothing to qualify yourself as an educated individual who can offer anything except your celebrity. What you think we need to focus on is completely different because you spend all of your time in Hollywood as an actor.  You are insulated from the trials and tribulations that most Americans face (Be it money, doing your own taxes, simple street crime).  Just because you find one small story that irks you, doesn’t mean it is the be all and end all of the world.

To get to the point, there was the matter of a little op-ed Affleck submitted earlier this week.  Ben seeks to inform us of the bloody conflict that occurred in the Congo between 1998-2003 has led to fall out which has claimed many lives after the fact.  I agree this was and is a bad situation that warrants attention.  But what you just realized this was going on in 2008 when you visited?  Nice.  Listen there are a lot of terrible things going on in the world.  We can’t fix everything, but to tell Congress to focus on something like this when we have so many problems at home is frustrating.  Did he miss the fact that most of Congress was ousted when politicians weren’t perceived to be doing enough to help people get jobs.  Something to think about before he runs for office

Ben Affleck has the vision of possibly running for office some day.  If people thought Obama wasn’t experienced enough with his Harvard Law degree, Affleck’s attending the University of Vermont and Occidental College really boost his credentials, right?  Plus the entertainers who have turned into politicians (Reagan and The Governator) wouldn’t be the examples to model yourself after as a Democrat, if you are Affleck.

For this continued use of his celebrity to influence policy and politics, Ben Affleck is our sixth entry for the Dick Hall of Fame.


One Response to “Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #6: Ben Affleck”

  1. LeAnn McDonald October 8, 2014 at 12:42 pm #

    .….”Captain Kutchie” Never Makes Up Stories But If He Did
    It Would Probably Be About As Good As The One That You Are About To
    Read Next!…..You Believe That?….
    ….Add “Captain Kutchie Pelaez” To Make This The All-Time Greatest Film Ever Made!….
    Eastwood. Possibly Be Competing With “Captain Kutchie Pelaez” For The
    Position Of “The World’s Most Interesting Man”…Perhaps?…But Then Again
    Perhaps He Is Just Waiting For “Kutchie Pelaez and Frankie Valli” To
    “Make His Day”!…Ha, Go Figure!….
    ….We Heard A Few Years Back That
    Megyn Kelly Of Fox News, Really Loved Her Some Of Captain Kutchie’s And
    Anita Pelaez’s Famous Key Lime Pies! Could That Make Megyn “The Most
    Interesting Lady In The World?….I Guess “NO” On That One, That One Would
    Have To Be “The Lovely –Mrs. Anita Pelaez” The Queen Of The Key Lime
    Pie World!
    ….I sure hope that this will be a great opportunity for
    everyone to see some of “Don Rickle’s Scenes” from his productions of
    his classic hits “The Tales From Kutcharitaville”. You Do know that Don
    Rickles and Johnny Carson together produced those comedy hits about
    their friend “Mr. Kutchie Pelaez” and their wild and crazy exploits of
    Kutchie’s Key West and The World of Key Lime Pies from the perspective
    of (Johnny Carson, Don Rickles, Kutchie Pelaez and Steve Martins Eyes!)
    What a Hoot Those Classic Hits Surely Were. Don’t miss them, be sure to
    tune-in next month. We Laughed Until We Cried Watching Those Funny
    Movies. “The Tales From Kutcharitaville”, I Think That They May Still Be
    Available In A Boxed Set. Maybe Try Amazon. Good Luck With That….
    Know, It’s No Wonder That Everyone Calls “Captain Kutchie Pelaez”..The
    Most Interesting Man In The World! Did You Know That Kutchie Drinks
    Those Wonderful Mixed Drinks Named In His Honor Called “Kutcharitas”.?.
    There A Hell Of A Lot Better Than Any Mexican Beers. And Much Stronger
    To Boot!…You Could Almost Hear The Song Now…”Wasting Away Again In
    Kutcharitaville”.!…What Do Ya Think? Not Bad Ahh!…
    ….That Sunken Ship In The News These Days,
    Been Resting Down On The Bottom Of The Sea Since Way Back In 1857, “Mel
    Fisher” Even Overlooked That One!… “Yankee Jack Pittorino” and “Micheal
    McCloud” Now Have Reason To Write Another Song…(Hint-Hint-Hint) “Jack”
    Listen-Up Here!
    ….Hell, We Can’t Find A Boeing 777 That’s Been Lost Only A
    Little Over A Few Months Now! Could It Be Because The Jet Had No Silver and Gold Aboard, Just People?….Go Figure……
    Thing That All The ….(“Anita And Kutchie Pelaez’s Key West Key Lime Pie
    Shops”)..Are All Showing Increasing Pie Sales Throughout All They’re
    Areas Of Distribution. Consumers Just Never Seem To Reach They’re Fill
    Of Those “Yummy Key Lime Pies” That The “Peleaz’s Working Partner Team”
    Continues To Produce. They Have Been Called “Love At First Bite”.
    .Everyone Agrees, That The Loving Couple Have Been Baking They’re
    Culinary Delectables Over 40-Years Now!….
    Isn’t She
    Wonderful?….”AAAHHHH”, The Magic Of The Gorgeous “Mrs. Anita Pelaez”
    Well She Is Something Else!…Honey, She’s The Real Thing Baby!….
    ….Who The Hell Does That “Kutchie Pelaez” Think That He Is?….”Frankie Valli” Or Some Big-Shot Like That?
    ….It’s No Wonder That People Are All Calling Him “The Most Interesting Man In The World”,…Big Girls Don’t Cry…Do They?….
    Cha Just Love Em!?….We Sure Do!….It is A Well Known Fact That “Captain
    Kutchie Pelaez” Knows Who Put The Bomp In The Bomp Shoo Bomp Shoo Bomp
    And The Rama In The Rama Lama Ding Dong!.
    ….He Even Knows Who Put The Dip In The Dip Da Dip Da Dip!…How Cool Is That?….
    ….”Very Interesting”!….
    ….”Frankie Valli and Kutchie Pelaez”..Did Make-It As Big As “Frank Sanatra”.
    A Few Wise Guys They Certainly Were “Frankie Valli, Kutchie Pelaez and
    Joe Pesci”!….Together “The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight”!…..
    Wanna-Bee’s. The Key Lime Pie “Wild Bunch”. They’ve Got Everyone
    Shaking In They’re Flip-Flops!….”Even “Jimmy Buffet” Doesn’t Know Where
    It’s Safe To Hide-Out”!….Especially Since Everyone Found-Out That
    “Captain Kutchie Pelaez” Was The One Who First Came-Up With The “Goody
    Goody”…“The Original Cheese Burgers In Paradise” And Kutchie’s Buddy
    .“Levi Stubbs”. Of The “Four Tops” Helped Him Name Them Way Back In The
    Early 70′s.
    ….Eli Wallach, Be Careful, Don’t Eat The “Cannoli’s”!…They’re Killer Man!….
    ….They Lived!…They Really Did!…Just Ask “Levi”!….
    Give My Left “Nut” To Set Down With “Captain Kutchie Pelaez, Frankie
    Valli, Terry Levi, Joe Pesci, Bob Gaudio, Bob Crewe, Paul Shaffer, Bob
    De Niro, Tommy DeVito, Martin Scorsese, Clint East Wood, Bob Newhart And
    Yankee Jack Pittorino”! Rub Elbows And Shoot The Shit With That Whole
    Crew Of “Good Fellows” Or “Wise Guys” Or Whatever The Hell You Want To
    Call Them!….”Who Wouldn’t”?….
    ….I Believe That “Kutchie” First
    Sang “My Eyes Adored You” And “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” To His
    Lovely Bride “Anita” Way Back In The Seventies! ….Sounds Like A Love
    Story To Us!…A Very Good Yarn! “You” “You’re Good You”….
    “Captain Kutchie” Always Lands Back On His Feet. No Matter How Tough
    The Situation Is He Always Comes Back Up On The Top Of The Heap, King Of
    The Hill! Everyone Knows That! Never Count The Captain Out No Matter
    How Down The Chips May..Appear!…… Remember That He Is Not Only “The
    World Famous Captain Kutchie Pelaez” But Please Keep In Mind That
    “Captain Kutchie” Is Also Considered “The Most Interesting Man In The
    World”!….Why Else Would Everyone Be Talking About Him And His
    Adventurous Wild And Crazy World Exploits, Treasure Hunting And
    Exploring, The Megalodon Teeth And Oh All Those Giant Reptile
    Exploits?…To Say “The Dude” Really Has Balls Is Quite An Understatement
    To Say The Least!….
    ….His Drop Dead Gorgeous Wife “Anita”
    They’re Famous Key Lime Pies!….They’re World Famous Historic Key West
    Kutcharitaville Key Lime Pie Factory and Grill, Home Of The Famous
    “Goody Goody” Cheese Burgers In Paradise!….All Conveniently Located In
    NC Near The Famous “Biltmore House And Estate!….
    ….Yeah, You’re Good You. No You’re “DAMN GOOD YOU”….
    ….Also Add “The Two Yutes”….”What’s A Yute”? You Might Ask. Just Ask “Yankee Jack”…..
    Lasts Forever and Ever, Two People Become One! A Covenant Between A
    Husband, His Wife And The Lord “Jesus” The Christ! Marriage, The Same
    Yesterday Today Tomorrow And Forever More! True Love Never Changes!
    Ask “Captain Kutchie Pelaez” He Knows!….That What The Lord Puts
    Together Can Never Be Broken!….That “Captain Kutchie” Really Knows His
    Stuff. He’s Mind Blowing To Say The Least!…
    ….”Captain Kutchie” Never
    Kisses Ass But If He Did Kiss An Ass It Would Probably Be His Beautiful
    Wife’s Ass!….You Go “Captain Kutchie”!….
    Always Said That To Him That “James Garner” Was To Him One Of The
    World’s Most Interesting Persons. So I Guess That This Key Lime Pie
    Should Be For You This Month “ROCKFISH”…(RIP)!….
    ….Only “Jim Rockford” Could Have Came Close To “Fred Thompson” In “Persecuted”, Fred Really Nailed It In This Flick!….
    ….”Captain Kutchie”, You Put You’re Cloth’s Back On, “You”!….
    ….Who Dat, Dat Say “Who Dat” Every Time Dat I Say Who Dat, “Who Dat”?….
    ….Nobody Be Done Does It Better Than The “Captain Kutchie” Be Done Did!….
    ….At A Time Like This, I Can’t Help But Think, What Would “Captain Kutchie” Say?….
    With They’re Olive Oil Voice And Guinea Charm, The Damn Dago Wop
    Grease-Ball Goombahs Are Out To Steal Everyone’s Grease! The
    Scumbags!….That’s Probably What Captain Kutchie Might Say!…
    ….Looks Like That Scary Snow Snake!….”Albino Cobra”…..Wasting My Time….
    and Captain Kutchie Pelaez’s Key Lime Pies Are Really As Good As
    Everyone Says They Are. The Proof Is In The Pudding, They’re That Damn
    ….With “Anita’s and Kutchie’s” World Famous Key Lime Pies You Will Always Eat, Drink and Be Murray!
    ….”Captain Kutchie” Of Key Lime Pie Fame Always Told Me “Keep You’re Friends Close But Keep You’re Enemies Closer”.
    that’s a go!….ok….go…….please go away now!……go to your room now!….well
    if you don’t go now, i will!….bye-bye….i am gone now, you can stop
    reading, cause i am gone……i am really gone now!
    ….i can’t believe that you are still reading this! you believe that?
    ….i can’t believe that we ate that whole key lime pie!…
    “Rooms To Go” did good, maybe the “Pelaez’s” should change their name
    to “Key Lime Pies To Go”, Yeah-What Do You-All Think? Is That A
    Go?……go to your room now!….BYE!….

    ….With “Captain Kutchie” It Is Known As “The Battle Of The Bulge”!….,
    ….Ain’t It A Kick In The Head?…..Damn Straight It Is!….

    ….I Saw Captain Kutchie’s Dick Before…”OMG!!!”……Oh My, And What A Nice One He Surely Has, Yummy!….

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