Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #7: George Lucas

11 Dec

We updated nice and early last week to give you guys the impression that we here at Dick of the Week are on top of our game.  I apologize for giving you that impression, because it is quite obviously not true.  Sometimes it’s hard to decide who we should induct into our Dick Hall of Fame in a given week, as there are so many throughout history that are deserving of the honor.  It can also be difficult to make the decision on living people–who knows, maybe Jose Mourinho will save a truck full of babies from a burning building or something and make us look like fools.  However, there are some who we can say with absolute certainty will never, ever make up for the dickishness that they have displayed. This week’s inductee is one such person.

Once a beloved figure in the dual worlds of science fiction and cinema, he has since managed to degrade the reputation of both himself and his creations to the point that his name is synonymous with disaster.  His attempts at rebooting both Star Wars and Indiana Jones have left moviegoers perplexed and angry, while he simply laughs all the way to the bank.  Having shown absolutely no remorse for his actions or even any indication that he realizes the negative impact that they have had, it should come as no surprise that your seventh entry into the Dick Hall of Fame is none other than George Lucas.

Aw, come onnn guys.

George Lucas rose to a tremendous level of fame in 1977 with the release of the first Star Wars film.  The film featured a number of promising young actors, a compelling science fiction plot, and special effects the likes of which had not yet been seen.  Met with widespread critical approval, Lucas began work on his sequels, and by 1983 Return of the Jedi had been released to the big screen, providing a fitting (and adorable) end to his little trilogy.

In retrospect, the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi should have told us that it was time for George to stop writing.  Sure, he had done a good job for the most part, but let’s be honest: the Ewoks were the beginning of the end for George Lucas’ success, like tiny little teddy bear harbingers of failure.  And let’s address Lucas’ film chronology as well: what kind of dick makes films IV through VI before films I through III?  Calling A New Hope “Episode IV” was just a slap in the face to all of us.  And hey, if he had just NOT referred to them by episode number, maybe he would have been happy just leaving them to stand as a trilogy.

Instead, by labeling his films “Episodes IV, V, and VI,”  George created  massive, massive levels of anticipation for when the other three films would finally be released.  In retrospect, there is simply no way that any film could possibly have lived up to the hype generated by Star Wars, but GodDAMMIT Lucas, you could at least have fucking TRIED!  Instead, we met Darth Vader not as the badass, force-choking, planet-destroying demi-God we knew him as in the original films, but instead as a scared little blonde slave child with a penchant for driving fast.

No, the other kid.

…which would have been bad enough.  But George also included one Mr. Jar Jar Binks, a questionably racist and unquestionably annoying-as-fuck alien who spent the entire movie tagging along with Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon and attempting to provide some comedic moments.  Instead, all he did was manage to annoy the fuck out of the audience with his antics that were dry and stupid even to the youngest of viewers.  And in fact, George might even have avoided some of the uproar and been able to save face just a little bit, if he had just KILLED Jar Jar at some point in the future.  But no.  Jar Jar continued to make cameos into Episodes II and III, almost as though George was taunting the audience and daring them to not give him any more of their money.  In fact, it is Jar Jar who initially proposes handing Palpatine emergency powers, which, in a way, makes this piece of shit responsible for the Emperor’s rise to power, Darth Vader’s corruption, the destruction of Alderaan, Obi-Wan’s eventual death, and the rise to power of Luke Skywalker, whiniest Jedi ever.  Quite the pedigree.  Thanks, George.

Of course, Star Wars lovers will know that it didn’t end there.  The most savage travesty committed by George Lucas was the casting of Hayden Christenson as Anakin in films II and III.  Hayden Christenson, for those unfamiliar, could not act his way out of a room made of exits.  Now, at the risk of being too hard on Hayden, we will throw it out there that the dialogue that he was asked to deliver would have made even the best of actors weep.  However, Hayden Christenson is far from the best of actors.  Rather than make any attempt to rise to the challenge, we were instead treated to Hayden delivering terrible lines in the most dead-eyed, terrible way possible.  Completely unable to convey any emotion at all, Hayden turned the tragic tale of Anakin’s corruption into a bitchy tale of “everybody is jealous of me because I’m better than them” rebellion that would make a teenager cringe.  And George.  Lines like “from my point of view, the Jedi are evil,” are exactly the sort of lines that  spell out the plot on such a basic level that you are giving away the fact that you think we are all complete idiots.

Though can you blame him? We DO keep buying this crap.

However, the prequel films are arguably only the second most unforgivable thing that Lucas did with the franchise, the first being when he re-released all of the original films with brand new special effects that he inserted into them.  Special effects that included the likes of a cringe-worthy scene between Han and Jabba in Episode IV and, oh yeah, GREEDO SHOOTING FIRST.  Yes, the internet has had tons to say about that particular change, the we here at Dick of the Week respect Han Solo.  Han was a dick.  Han survived because he was a badass who didn’t play by the rules.  The George Lucas came in and told us that the only reason Han was still alive was because some Goddamn alien somehow failed to shoot him at point blank range?  We’re not buying it.  Han shot first, and Han will ALWAYS shoot first.

In any event, these re-releases served to line the pockets of George Lucas even further.  He became even richer when everyone bought the special edition DVDs when they came out, because Lucas implied that the original versions would not be released on DVD.  Of course, he would reverse himself a short time later, somehow tricking everyone into buying the original version too.  Dick of the Week is particularly unhappy about this, as we currently sit several feet from only a Star Wars special edition DVD set because we’ll be damned if we’re giving Lucas more money, even on principle.

Look at that, we’ve exceeded our typical post length on Star Wars alone, but it just so happens that Star Wars is not the only beloved series that George Lucas has cockslapped out of its accustomed place in our hearts.  Our favorite man’s man, badass, Nazi-slaying professor has also been raped by the George Lucas Express, as George decided in the late 2000s to reboot the Indiana Jones franchise with a fourth film.   When it was released in 2008, to much hoopla, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was exactly what we all expected it to be: a massive box office success and a complete critical failure.  Critics practically tripped over themselves to condemn Crystal Skull as ridiculous, over the top, and highlighting all the worst features of a quickly-becoming-washed-up Harrison Ford.  But worst of all, George decided to include the #1 destroyer of movies of this generation, Shia LeBeouf (no doubt a future Dick of the Week recipient).   Shia, arguably the most talentless actor since Hayden Christenson, tagged along as Indiana Jones’ long lost son.  All I can say to that is: God. Dammit. Lucas.

We should be so lucky.

Some panned Crystal Skull for its inclusion of aliens as the end reveal, but in truth, Dick of the Week would argue that aliens are not really that much more ridiculous than angels coming down from the heavens and melting the faces of Nazis.  So, we’ll give him a pass on that.  However, just about every other element of the movie is complete dickery.  Giants red ants?  Helpful, pseudo-intelligent, anti-Russian monkeys?  SAVING YOURSELF FROM A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION INSIDE A REFRIGERATOR?!  For the love of God, George, please stop making movies, because that refrigerator scene was possibly the most idiotic and insulting thing that I have ever seen in a movie.  It was like Jar Jar Binks and all of Hayden Christenson’s dialogue rolled into one worthless package.

If I had a time machine, I would probably grab Patton Oswalt and join him in his plan to kill George with a shovel before he could ruin all the best parts of my childhood.   No doubt it’s only a matter of time before he decides top hop back on the Land Before Time bandwagon and destroy that blessed childhood memory as well.  But now, George Lucas is about to embark on a crusade to destroy my memories, your memories, and everyone else’s as, in a move that has horrified absolutely everyone, he has announced that he wants to buy the rights to dead actors so that he can digitally insert them into his new movies.

Far be it from us to criticize someone for undertaking an ambitious and controversial project, but WHAT THE FUCK.  George, you have proven to be completely incapable of working with living actors, so the idea that you might ruin the legacy of a Humphrey Bogart or, man, even a John Candy just because you think it’s cool is absolutely horrifying.  But hey, judging by George’s track record, I think we can all look forward to Indiana Jones 5, starring Orson Welles and James Van Der Beek.  Sure, his representatives have come out and denied the validity of the story.  But this is the same man who wants to re-release the Star Wars prequel trilogy in 3D.  And damned if millions of people aren’t still going to go see them.  Oh, and by the way: it looks like George isn’t even finished trashing his Star Wars masterpiece, as rumors have a new trilogy in the works for late 2010s release.

So, yeah George.  Congratulations, you have inspired (by far) the longest Dick Hall of Fame entry yet, and it will only grow longer as you continue to bend my childhood memories over your table made of cash and mercilessly rape them until they and I both beg for mercy.  Because really George, that’s what this post is: me, begging for mercy.  Just about the only way you can make up for everything you have done to your loyal fans is to commit hara-kiri at this point, but if you could as the very least kill Hayden Christenson and please, PLEASE let someone else write and direct this supposed new trilogy, maybe we could find it in our hearts to forgive you.  You destroyed Star Wars, you destroyed Indiana Jones, you helped jump start the careers of two of the worst actors in the history of American cinema, you want to use computers to besmirch the memory of some of the BEST actors in the history of American cinema, and Goddammit you keep making more money than any of us will ever see in our lives.  It isn’t fair, George, it isn’t fair.  For all of these reasons and, no doubt, countless others that I have neither the time nor the energy to touch upon, you are the seventh entry into our Dick Hall of Fame.

You son of a bitch.

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3 Responses to “Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #7: George Lucas”

  1. Shane graef June 6, 2014 at 3:34 pm #

    Yea ! I mean no ! I don’t know what I mean

  2. Shane graef June 6, 2014 at 3:39 pm #

    Well he wasn’t money hungry, that’s not the problem, he just tried to take on too much. Speilberg is probably worse. And I do like episode 2 and 3. I even learned to like 1, but not love it. I think a lot of people do, and to be honest the EU wasn’t any better. Seriously. . I. read like 20 of those books before I realized that. episode 7, going to be great

  3. Shane graef June 6, 2014 at 3:41 pm #

    It truly is, a new hope

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