Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #8: The U.S. Food and Drug Administration

16 Dec

Or the FDA for short.  Yes, we are trying to keep you updated fairly frequently because we feel some of you might be interested in what we have to say.  So, it is my pleasure to bring you our next edition of the dick hall of fame which includes an entire federal agency (Oddly enough).  I would have thought we would have come up with this sooner, but what the hell. Let’s start.  The FDA is part of the Department of Health which has the task of monitoring all substances that can be taken in through the mouth or other orifices (your butthole).  It’s job is to protect us from products that are unsafe and, by their summation, harmful to the public at large.  This was the organization that first helped create warnings on cigarettes (A FRENCH WORD) which have been around for decades.  But every once in a while they miss the boat, as it were.  They overstep their boundaries as a regulatory agency to focus on insignificant things that have no bearing on the public at all.  And recent developments have made it imperative that they must be labeled as dick hall of famers.  Let’s start with Four Loko.

The colors man, the colors

This product, for those who are unaware, was a fusion of 12% alcohol (by region) which incorporated a large amount of caffeine and sugar into the concoction.  This was a product deemed unsafe for the general public because of the unsafe impact that consuming that much alcohol and caffeine would have on a human.  Going off of the FDA’s own facts, they reported that there were 79,000 alcohol related deaths a year coupled with the majority of people who consumed these beverages were more likely to binge drink.  Which is fine.  It’s not like we haven’t been doing this for a while.  So many people like to point out the irish coffee or the rum and coke as examples.  Well lets dance to the point.  Vodka Redbull. Jagerbombs.  What is that?  I believe that is 40% alcohol combined with those sugary energy drinks, isn’t it?

And it's damn tasty too

But what I can only infer is that these products were born out of the capitalist market where people demanded both products to be combined.  Hence forth: Four Loko was born (To be honest I believe the ban spiked the profits of the company and will lead to them dying once they remove both caffeine from the alcohol).  But the FDA said this pairing was unsafe because the combination allowed students to stay awake longer and therefore binge drink well past their normal tolerances.  Two things here: (1) Why would you tell that to people?  Seriously?  As college students, we all loosely inferred that if we drank caffeine (which keeps you up) with alcohol, we would stay awake and drink more.  Why would you put a pen to paper to confirm that fact?  You just basically said, “College students can drink more if they drink caffeine, smiley face.”  Secondly, how was this any different than what college students were trying to accomplish in the first place?

Do you see the Four Loko?

I’m pretty sure (through my own research) that most college students where trying to push their limits with alcohol WAY before this product came along.  And that this abuse had more to do with excessive consumption with alcohol pursuant to the 79,000 people that die every year from alcohol.  I’d like to blame that on Four Loko but I don’t think their market is that big.  So, this was just a huge grand standing opportunity for politicians to hang their hat on right?  Charles Schumer?  He’s honest, right?  No dishonest pandering from New York politicians, right?  I should stop.  So, the FDA essentially wasted their time finding out that college kids binge drink and almost caught more legitimate products in the fire.  Many brewers were worried that any ban on alcohol and caffeine would bring beers brewed with caffeine under the same light as a Four Loko.

Somehow I don't think college kids go for this

So, we had the chance that products that had little to no relation to this ban could have been brought under the same scrutiny based on zero evidence.  But it’s not like the FDA has had a problem with unilaterally banning products before.  Which brings us to the electronic cigarette.  For those of you who don’t know, this is an item which heats a nicotine water mixture to allow the subject to consume nicotine while only discharging water vapor.  The FDA was seeking to regulate these products as normal medical devices because of the direct source of nicotine  I’m sorry what now?

It makes smoking cool!

You want oversight of a product and comparing it to a medical device (which is a much more arduous task to legalize) which literally makes a long accepted habit in the US more safe?  And you want to ban it unless they get to control it.  WOW.  I’m not even going to bother to give you guys stats because if you have been to school, you know about the INSANELY detrimental effects the cigarette smoke and second-hand cigarette smoke can have on a person.  This is a product, while giving you the benign substance of nicotine, removes the smoke aspect while replacing it with water vapor.  It’s another way to HELP PEOPLE QUIT.  You can actually wean yourself off of regular cigarettes by lowering the nicotine in the electronic cigarette.  Sounds like a reasonable product to allow on the market.  But fuck it.  Really, I shouldn’t judge.  The FDA does a lot to catch things that could really hurt people in the food and drug industry.  Wait… What now?

Let's see Adam Richmond eat that omelette

If you missed it, the FDA had a large recall on millions of eggs that were supposedly contaminated with the salmonella.  Yum.  That was a fantastic catch on their part.  They were so busy trying to save us from alcohol/caffeine and cigarettes, they missed the eggs.  No big deal though.  This was a minor crisis involving enough food to feed a good part of most starving nations and/or the starving populace here at home.  You were so preoccupied that you forgot to check on a basic portion of our food source?  What else have you missed?  Did a lettuce e-coli problem go unnoticed because you were checking the toxicology of the glue on envelopes?  But it’s not like you were stuck on issues that we already knew.

SON OF A BITCH.  Really?  You decided to report that cigarette smoke is even MORE harmful than it was before!!!!  Shit “it causes cancer you will die” was not enough?  If anyone was still smoking after that, they clearly didn’t give a shit.  Seriously, I have done independent research to find that there are 17,000 chemicals in a cigarette.  All of them bad.  Many of them not discovered yet.  Catch the fuck up, you shmucks.  I honestly believe these organizations put out these reports to remain relevant so that they can continue to receive their funding.  I really do.  But don’t you worry, there is hope.  They are out to protect us from alcoholic whipped cream too.

You really can't find any PG whipped cream pics

My only conclusion is that this will be the next big regulation battle because kids will clearly be able to do whippits and drink at the same time.  This skyrockets this organization up on the Dick Hall of Fame list because of their recent, stellar, realizations that college kids binge drink and cigarettes are bad for you.  P.S Your fillings will kill you.

I realize that some decent regulation is in order and that we want to keep drugs and food safe for everyone.  But at the same time, there is no reason to waste valuable tax payer money on pointless reviews of products that people abuse by choice.  If you follow me back to the beginning, alcohol and caffeine are still legal.  You have just as much right to abuse them as long as you buy them separately.  Which means banning the combination of the two makes a TON of sense.  This Four Loko product was created because most recreational drinkers like to drink caffeine already, and didn’t have a problem drinking in excess before this product.  Phusion Projects did not create binge drinking.  And any attempt to publicize this, as well as the known fact that cigarettes are harmful to your health, makes you a colossal dick.


One Response to “Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #8: The U.S. Food and Drug Administration”


  1. Dick Hall of Fame, Entry # 19: Ludwig Roselius « Dick of the Week - March 16, 2011

    […] actually might not be the worst thing in the world, but I digress).  Also, we have made the point before that people need to be responsible for how they use certain products, but pulling the old […]

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