Dick of the Week, Dec 20-26: Philadelphia

27 Dec

I assume you have all recovered from your Christmas benders and have taken the time to read our articles before starting on your New Years bender.  So, as we all sat down to enjoy some football, the weather report chirped up and it became apparent that we were going to receive some snow.  Some 7-16 inches.  Nothing to sneeze at but nothing to overreact at either.  Then, hark!  What do we hear?  2pm?  The Mayor of Philadelphia has declared a state of emergency!  The game?  Canceled for inclement weather.  Is this baseball?  No.  This is football.  A sport adored by the heartland of America.  Warriors who play in some of the most god forsaken places on the continent.  Green Bay, New England, Shit they just played a game outside in Minnesota.  You know what it’s like outside in Minnesota?  No, you don’t.  Because no one is dumb enough to go out there.  But we celebrate these players for their grit and toughness.  Their willingness to play in these seemingly unnavigable conditions has lent itself to some of the greatest games of all time.

Is it me, or do all still photo pictures of football tackles look like...

Now, it would have been fine, but the governor outed them.  8 inches would have fallen by game time.  8.  With constant snow removal on the sidelines, they could easily have played the game.  Plus, the governor calls them all wussies.  Nice PC word.  Just to set the record straight, Philadelphia, you’re a pussy.   What were you thinking?  Were you too worried that people in South Jersey weren’t going to make the trip (Just look at the NLCS)?  New Jersey really should toughen up and make the drive over otherwise the PA economy will fail, right?

This isn’t the first time Philadelphia has failed to “walk the walk”.  Hey, it’s thanks to a Flyer player that we had to start calling diving in the NHL.  That’s right.  The team called one of the toughest teams (Broadstreet Bullies) is also well-known for popularizing one of the most dishonorable actions in sports.  Feigning injury.  Nice.  So, it should come as no surprise that this occurred in Philadelphia.  But these are reasonable people.  They aren’t so afraid of what’s going on around them that they would accuse someone of wrongdoing based on a social network post, right?

I honestly do not know why Philadelphia has a giant clothespin, nor do I want to

Philadelphia 2.0: This neighborhood posted a facebook group about the strangling killings that had happened in their area.  A description was posted and led to a local man being cornered and wrongfully accused by an angry mob.  Police later cleared him when his DNA evidence didn’t match.  Here’s the thing.  Facebook has been slickly utilized to spot suicides and submitted as evidence. But for law enforcement, using Facebook information is like using something you find on Wikipedia.  Yeah, it can give you some useful tips, but you should probably check your sources; just in case someone is a lunatic or just an idiot.  Honestly, it’s an insult that they even had to check if that was the guy that did it.

In conclusion, just because some of our toughest founding fathers lived in Philadelphia, that doesn’t mean all the people who live there are.  And apparently enough of them were in positions of power to cancel a football game.  Kudos.  28 teams were able to get things done on time, but you had to be the stragglers holding up betting leagues and fantasy championships.  Well played.


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