Holiday Special: Christmas Exhibitionists

28 Dec

For years, we have been complaining about the fact that Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year.  We at Dick of the Week share you annoyance at the fact that we have to see Christmas decorations while we look for Halloween costumes in early October each year, but we’d like to take a moment to recognize an even more insidious foe.  As bad as it is too see Christmas decorations way too early, it is even more annoying to see Christmas decorations way too late.  That is why your Dick of the Week Holiday Special comes to you today in honor of those Christmas exhibitionists who so want you to appreciate the job they have done decorating their house that they leave their decorations up until Goddamn July.

Before you get offended, let’s be fair: we at Dick of the Week love Christmas lights.  There is nothing better than driving down a snowy road at night, when out of the darkness on the left you see softly glowing red and green lights illuminating a house with decorations carefully arranged to as to fill even the coldest heart with joy and warmth.  We love that, we really do.   But honest to God, as happy as seeing that house in December makes us, seeing that same house in May makes us exactly as furious.  It’s a good thing we don’t have kids, because it’s enough to make a man want to punch a baby.

Happy fucking Memorial Day, you cunts.

The way we see it, there are only two types of people who allow this sort of thing to happen, and they are equally disgusting.  The first kind are the hopelessly lazy fucks.  Why, you might be saying, you guys writing this are pretty Goddamn lazy!  You can barely update twice a week, isn’t it hypocritical of you to criticize others for being lazy?  FUCK NO!  The problem with the lazy Christmas exhibitionists is that they actually took the time and effort to put the decorations up in the first place, but then try to pull the “oh, I just don’t have the time to take them all down” card.  That, as they say, is some bullshit.  When you take the hours, days, and (no doubt) weeks necessary to turn your house into something that looks like it was plucked from the Candyland board, you do not get to tell the rest of us that we’re unreasonable for expecting you to take those decorations down in a reasonable amount of time.  Hell, we’ll even help you.

The only way we know how.

The second kind are the true exhibitionists.  Doubtless, the first type fall into this category at least somewhat, the the worst are the unapologetic people who leave their decorations up months and months past Christmas.  We even hear tell that there are some who leave their decorations up year-round, but we choose to reject this theory because if there was a just and loving God he would not allow that sort of atrocity to happen.  The point is that these people do not even care that they are despised by the vast majority of humanity.  They don’t care that everyone who drives by their house throws up a little bit in the back of their mouth.   They are simply thrilled with their decorations, and every time they look at their house they think “MAN! Thank God every gets to look at this fantastic display I give them!  I am truly a blessing to all!”  These people lack any self-awareness at all.  They are the Brett Favres of Christmas.

When we see a Santa in someone’s yard in the middle of summer, it fills us with a rage unparalleled by anything other than the Yankees winning the World Series.  When we see it in December, only something along the lines of Michael Bay directing a fifth Indiana Jones movie starring Hayden Christenson would be able to challenge our anger.  Plastic snowmen and sleighs in the front yard are obnoxious enough as it is.  They are truly the pinnacle of tacky awfulness.  The main benefit of putting them up during the winter is that they can at least be partially obscured by snow.  When they are still up in the summer, they can be seen in their full, awful glory, with the bright summer sun shining directly down on them.

The people who keep their decorations up long enough to subject us to this are true Christmas dicks.  And these exhibitionists make us put up with their crap much longer than the retail dicks, who are only too happy to move on to Valentines Day decorations the day after Christmas.  For forcing us to look at their decorations for months and months and for failing to understand that they are some of the worst people in the world, Christmas exhibitionists are your Special Dicks for this holiday season.

You said it, Santa.


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