Everyday Dick: The Resolution Topper

4 Jan

What, What 2011.  Yet another year has started and we are always asked the same questions.  Did you make a New Year’s Resolution?  Are you going to stick to it?  What are you going to aspire to? I like to answer these questions with “No”, “No” and “Bill Clinton”  But I digress.  Most people like to begin this year with setting out simple goals for personal improvement.  We here at Dick of the Week don’t like to chastise those who have sincere goals of self-improvement.  Finally applying to grad school, only drinking one cup of coffee a day, going for a walk in the morning.  All of these are realistic/attainable goals.  We don’t begrudge those who want to make two maybe three goals a year.  Have at it.  I’m certainly not going to change, but you have every right to.

3! 2! 1! Shit, time to lose weight

Our point is…Maybe we didn’t want to make a resolution because we don’t need some arbitrary date to tell us to drop a few pounds.  Maybe we didnt’t need prompting from a calendar to motivate ourselves to do something.  This “Resolution” phenomenon is irritating because it starts the same way EVERY YEAR.  People get hammered on New Years and wake up hungover determined to change their lives (probably from the social sting of all the crap they did the night before).  Instead of accepting this, they take off on these unrealistic goals to a) inflate their egos because they are taking part in such outlandish goals b) pander for acceptance from their actions.

They have to draw a line for what is an "exercise" machine

Am I a little cynical? Absofuckinglutely.  But am I so cynical that I imagine the 45 people in the gym that used to average 5 people?  Am I cynical when I have to try to shove my lunch into a communal fridge stuffed with WHOLE cabbages?  No.  Cabbages, honestly.  It’s not the person who cuts something out of their diet to lose weight; it’s the person who decides to go on a fresh vegetable diet which requires them to basically eat half a produce section every day.  It’s the person who boldly declares that they will be going to the gym instead of going to their lunch hour.  They care that much only to simply walk on the treadmill.  Really?   If you want to lose weight, WALK HOME.  And in the end, I wouldn’t have to get this angry at you people if you just STUCK TO YOUR RESOLUTIONS.

But, do you know why I knew there were only about 5 people in the gym at a time?  Because that’s the damn average 10-11 months out of the year.  Every year, February hits and we see a dramatic drop-off in attendance.  Suddenly, the guy who was eating a salad every day brought in a burger from home.  Oh it was leftovers and I didn’t want it to go bad. Uh huh.  Yeah, sure.  We believe you.  Stick to your resolutions people.  If it’s going to be something you don’t think you can maintain…why are you setting the bar so high?  Don’t lose 50 pounds, lose 5.  Instead of driving the quarter-mile to the train, walk.  And if you’re going to make a resolution about your life, don’t stand on a pedestal to make the rest of us feel that we should have done the same.  Many of us just don’t care what you’re doing.

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