Dick of the Week, Jan. 3 – Jan. 10: The Jersey Shore Books

* Note: While we realize that the tragedy in Arizona happened during this week, we do not want to classify those actions as “dickish” because they were honestly that unspeakable.  We do not wish to tie anyone else  to the actions that occurred in Arizona because they are they are the actions of a truly terrible person.

Now, moving on.  As our readers should know, we value intelligence.  I’d like to think we come off as rather educated people (within reason) considering we have pissed away money on private universities.  However, our audience is small and we don’t reach a lot of people  (yet).  But we would like to take solace that there are people out there with bigger microphones than ours.  They may be more experienced, better educated, more talented, but normally you’d think that obnoxious idiots wouldn’t have a better platform than we do.  But (as I discussed last week) that’s where reality television come in.  Specifically, the Jersey Shore cast.

For those who don’t know, the Jersey shore is a show about a group of fat tan women and clad gym rats who live together in Seaside Heights, NJ during the summer to binge drink.  The ironic thing, besides most of them being from NY, is that they claim to be socially adept when they have the combined IQ of most small rocks.  But to be fair, they toil on MTV, which is the network that recently dropped the “Music Television” from their logo.  What does the M stand for?  We don’t know.  Are they still going to have their “Music” Awards?  Don’t care.  To be honest, the music hasn’t been good since T and A became a requirement for most artists.  It is really more bearable if you just mute the television.

But while we have had the odd news story about the cast being arrested for fighting, public intoxication, poor grammar (if only), they have been relatively subdued.  There was a chance that Snooki was going to drop in the Time Square ball on New Years.

I call it the calendar money shot

But, I was oddly ok with this.  To be honest, I thought she was going to light herself on fire by doing this, which I was ok with.  Hey, every pudgy sunburnt dog has to have its day, right?  It’s not like she’s going to be given a legitimate forum, right?  They wouldn’t let them teach a class, speak to Congress, write a book… Shit.  No way.  No fucking way.  You gave her a damn book.

No, I refuse to display the image of this book

You gave her and 2 of her other cast mates books.  You must be asking, does this make Nicole Polizzi (I hate using someone’s self-created nickname) the dick of the week?  Sort of.  The publisher, who gave her the book deal is also a dick.  The editor who sat there and allowed this book to balloon into 304 pages is a dick.  I don’t blame Polizzi as much because its hard to turn down money thrown at you.  But seriously people, centuries of American authors are spinning in their graves.  But don’t take my word for it, take the word of an aspiring author, “The fact that I am a struggling writer who has written three books and has been laboring to publish them…what do you say?…It’s fine. Really. Bravo, Snooki. Back to the saltmines for me.”  Yes, very sad reviews on this book.  Aspiring writers, put down your tomes of Nabokov and Hemingway, pick up your sunscreen and work on your love handles (I’m assuming most English majors already drink large amounts of cheap liquor).

But hey, if you need proof of the dumbing down of the English language, turn no further than Merriam-Webster.  Feel free to search all of these words.  LOL.  LOL is in there.  Acronyms aren’t words!  Acronyms are letters used to abbreviate words, you shmucks.  Frenemy.  Frenemy?  An enemy who acts like a friend?  Slang is not something we put in the dictionary!  Dear god, you are all making me so angry, I just don’t know what to say.  Shorthand should not be part of the language we use everyday  What’s next?  Spanglish?  Damn.  But after a while, you start to accept it.

Accomplished author

While we enjoy having athletes, professional wrestlers and musicians write books, it is simply because they have something to say.  They have backgrounds that truly attract our attention.  Rich, degenerate, morons are not interesting.  I don’t care about how some guy picks up girls, I don’t care about how some woman spends her money to stay “fresh”, and I absolutely do not care what some whiney (questionably illiterate) short woman’s fantasy is.  Anyone who seeks to glorify these people and their actions by rewarding them with a book deal is a dick.  Either for wasting valuable time and resources, or wasting the opportunity of some young writer who will never get the exposure of Nicole Polizzi.