Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #12: Poor Attempts To Change Astrology

17 Jan

Well hello there.  Welcome to another dick hall of fame entry that I’m sure you are ready to ask so many questions about.  Astrology?  Really?  Any sort of attempt to study planets, the sun and the stars?  Doesn’t sound like something you would pay any attention to.  Very true  We don’t usually follow such ridiculous forms of study.  Hell we don’t usually follow NASA unless they screw up.  But this week, we got some news that really broke us.  We have had enough veiled attempts to make federal agencies relevant, and this was much worse.  We have already pointed out that some federal agencies will publish news to seem like they have accomplished something.  And, any attempts to make astrology relevant were really going to put us over the top.   So, lets lead in with the story from the week.

For those who did not see, the Earth’ alignment has apparently shifted in such a way that everyone’s sign has changed.  Or has it?  Apparently not, but it has.  A new sign called Ophiuchus has been created making a thirteenth sign.  I, for one, do not really care but the people who bother to get their zodiac sign printed on their body do.

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

So, for some people this is a really big deal, but for others…eh we really don’t care that much.  What we DO care about is the line, “zodiac changes don’t count if you were born before 2009.”  So, why are we changing this?  I thought we were changing this because we had to.  If the planet shifts (supposedly) the planet shifts.  Are we going to print all horoscopes with an asterisk?  At the end of the day, people are not really that curious about their horoscope.  If it has to change, it has to change.  We accept this because we honestly don’t care/know that much about it.  If I check my horoscope, it is because I am stuck in the train or at the doctor’s office with nothing to occupy my time but a newspaper.  The unfortunate thing is that you have managed to rile up the small portion of the world that actually cares about this to the point that this HAD to be in the news.  Astrology, please keep yourself relegated to the hidden part of the lifestyle section.  To say that this is irrelevant is actually a waste of OUR time let alone the space in a newspaper (stay tuned for our opinions on how relevant those are).  Horoscopes are basically as bad as a palm reader who puts up a sign that says “walk-ins welcome” (Who has to make an appointment to see a palm reader?).  You are a novelty like a fortune cookie (You will find great success in bed); fun facts that most of us will sample if it is convenient.  But hey this isn’t the first time something celestial has changed on us.

One of these things is not like the other, one of these things is not like the other

Oh yeah, scientists decided that Pluto is no longer a planet.  Well that’s messed up.  There were many factors going into the decision, one of which was they discovered another object roughly the same size and diameter as Pluto.  At a glance I can see several problems with this classification.  One, it is based on diameter.  I could see if the planet was, in fact, revolving around another planet.  That’s a good reason to change the classification.  And two, you just made millions of high school textbooks irrelevant based on a TECHNICALITY.  Listen, if you find something new to honestly make the change or have discovered a new planet..that’s fine.  We won’t question your judgment.  But if you’re just going to change the requirement for how BIG something has to be..well you’ve strayed into our territory.

Most kids don’t have current history textbooks let ALONE science ones.  We have enough problems getting over talking points in GOVERNMENT texts.  We have enough problems in most states just taking the time to interpret the damn Declaration of Independence, we don’t need scientists poking their noses in to make another pointless debate.  So, let me say congratulations for forcing countless school districts to find new textbooks that don’t include Pluto as a planet.  Some of our best scientists reached for the stars when our county made it to the moon; clearly, now we are just comfortable trying to change what other people have already done.

As fake as the female orgasm

To sum this up, please don’t change something about the stars for pointless reasons.  Many of us look to the stars for inspiration, and we don’t need people to tell us that things have changed because they say so.  We don’t care.  And the people who do care would probably prefer the time spent on this be directed towards something more important…let’s say getting people to Mars.  Do that and then we will talk about adding a new zodiac sign.  Any overzealous attempt at self-importance just serves to show us how dickish some scientists really can be.


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