Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #13: Religious Celebrities

27 Jan

Hello, I can see you have noticed that my Hall of Fame post was egregiously late.  Seriously, Thursday?  I should be chastised simply for us swapping topics in our clearly thought out rotation.  Wait.  You didn’t notice?  You did! fantastic, I’m not even mad anymore, I just can’t wait to focus on our next topic!  Religious celebrities.  I know what you’re thinking..Religion is kind of a huge can of worms by itself.  And celebrities?  Haven’t you jackwads said enough about them already?  True.  We have mocked both categories BUT there is a special blend of dickishness that permeates this topic.  For you see, celebrities cannot seem to do the whole “religion” thing normally.  No, they can’t be the raging alcoholic pontificating about how they hate people who are different.

We cannot WAIT for that trial

No No.  You celebrities transcend racist bigots.  Here is my problem with your religious devotion; you seem to make sure that you can be just as exclusive in death as you were in life.  For you see, as is common with all humans, we consider our mortality and realize that we will not live forever.  We just have to do our best to make an impression on this world as we can.  You are of a group of people who have become wildly successful and can reap the benefits of your labor (Congrats).  And one of the things that can give normal people solace is the fact that we will all rot in the ground one day (you in a much more expensive ground than us, but in the ground nonetheless).  However, you all have managed to find a spiritual afterlife that is so exclusive that none of us could ever even attain entry.

Clearly something tripped in your mind where you had to root around to find that one niche in life that you can lord over us to say “hey” I’m going to be just finnnnne in rich man’s heaven. Religion was one of the last bastions of activity that didn’t require excessive monetary devotion to gain favor with god (or dog or whatever).  As much as religions can be exclusionary and backwards, they generally preach a set of values and discipline attuned to being a good helpful member of society.  While they accept donations, they do not require them.  They are just as happy accepting anyone’s time, devotion and effort.  While they may ask richer members for charity to help those less fortunate, the less fortunate are not seen as negative because of it.  And there is certainly no way to pay your way into the afterlife (in fact most of the religious books make a point of mentioning that little factoid).  I think this where normal religion has lost you.  The fact that you don’t receive the favor you do in THIS life.  Your no more special than the schlump sitting next to you in his 30 dollar suit.

Quick! See if you can toss a coin in his mouth!

To be fair, I am not mocking those who attend church or temple of any other historic denomination of religion.  And if those people have to attend more exclusive churches; it is probably because they do not want to be gawked at while they are trying to be humble.  I am not mocking those who find solace in teachings or have seen some light to propel them to greater good.  I am mocking those who seek to flaunt their religious “devotion” to attempt to seem more interesting to the general populace.

Totally Kabbalah

Madonna is Kabbalah…Right.  See the thing is, she might actually be very devout.  Perhaps she has found some enlightenment from the teachings.  But this is all we see.  A brief overview and WHO is also a member?  You don’t join a religion because so and so is part of it  Wait Wayne Gretzky is Episcopalian?  We’ll talk later.  Religion is not a fashion accessory.  You don’t go around bragging about the fact that you are a catholic (or at least most catholics don’t).  So Madonna is a new age buddhist or whatever.  Who cares.  We don’t hear her saying WHAT it’s about, just the fact that its TOTALLY AWESOME to be one.  We honestly believe that you are making a mockery of people’s real devotions and heartfelt beliefs much the way we are mocking these celebrities right now.  If you are doing this because you believe in it, fine.  But if you’re doing it because it’s the new in thing to do and you just want the press…you’re doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Then we get to our muse, our love, our gift of comedy from a maniac.  Scientology.  Yes, to sum it all up if you have not read our previous post…“You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.” Oh yes.  This whole concept of alien souls between Mormonism and scientology really really frustrate you.  Whether it is some alien overlord named Xenu or the fact that South Park was able to sum up the entire religion in half an hour (with commercials) we cannot take it seriously.  Though if you have a fun joke to make on someone, you too can hire a scientologist to visit a friend of yours to make things frankly uncomfortable. * I don’t want to actually give you a link to do this.  I can just say I have seen it before and don’t wish to overtly antagonize scientologists with their propensity to sue people. Smiley face. But again we are back at square one with listing of the names of people who are part of the religion as opposed to expounding its true values and meaning.

In the end, we live in a society with many different religious options so many will not always trumpet their membership in the open.  We don’t hear things like, “Hey Dale where my Protestant at?  What What!”  Yeah definitely don’t do that.  And many celebrities have managed to turn religion into an “I’m better than you are” thing.  Which really becomes a problem because the scriptures basically do that already.  Most people are just decent enough to not flaunt that fact using the media.  While many celebrities are good enough to worship in silence, there are some that just can’t help being colassal dicks.


One Response to “Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #13: Religious Celebrities”


  1. Dick of the Week, Jan. 31 – Feb. 6: Daniel Snyder « Dick of the Week - February 8, 2011

    […] read, and we recommend that you do.  Our distaste for Scientology is well documented in previous posts, and we firmly believe in the notion that the more you know about cults, the less likely you are to […]

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