Dick of the Week, Jan. 17-23: Jeff Pearlman and Sofia Black D’Elia

1 Feb

Yeah, I’m late. A week late, in fact.  But fuck you, I can be late once in a while.  It’s been a long week.

Usually it’s not that difficult to choose a Dick of the Week.  Oh, there are tough calls, for sure, but usually one dick of another rises to the top and demonstrates that they are, in fact, the Dick of the Week.  Not so for last week.  No, there were two candidates for the title last week, each incredibly deserving of the award.  In the end, I elected to forgo the difficult and certainly arduous task of choosing between them, instead electing to allow them to share the award.  Would they be pissed if they knew?  Probably.  Which makes it all the better for me.  Let’s start with Mr. Pearlman, shall we?

Jeff Pearlman is a writer for Sports Illustrated.  Yes, Sports Illustrated still exists.  I was surprised, too!  Since I was surprised that SI is still in publication at all, it should not surprise you that I have never read any of Mr. Pearlman’s writing.  He may be a fantastic writer (probably not, since ESPN hasn’t hired him away–just kidding!); I simply can’t say one way or the other.  But one thing that I can say for sure about him is that he has exceptionally thin skin.

But he looks so professional.

Jeff Pearlman apparently discovered that the internet is not a land of civility where everyone says nice things about one another.  When a few of Mr. Pearlman’s Twitter followers said some not very nice things about him, Pearlman decided to, in true serial killer form, track them down and call them at home. Just like any reasonable person would do.

Obviously Jeff was unhappy with being insulted.  Which is understandable.  Not everyone thrives on abuse like we do here.  However, here is one exceprt from the article:

When I later noted to Matt, via Twitter, that my 7-year-old daughter happened to be next to me when I clicked on the picture, he wrote: “lmao. You’re so full of —-.”

Now, that’s not all that unreasonable.  Except that the NEXT LINE IN THE ARTICLE is: “Normally, this sort of thing doesn’t faze me. Write sports for a living (especially online, as I do for SI.com), insults come with the turf.”

Let me get this straight, Jeff.  You are fully aware of the fact that people insult each other on the internet, and also understand that you, as a sports writer for a major publication, often come directly in the line of fire of foul mouthed people who want to make you feel bad.  And, while understanding both of these things (I cannot emphasize that enough), you STILL chose to look at what people were saying about you on Twitter with your 7-year-old daughter on your lap.  Okay, while “Matt” may be an asshole, YOU sir are an idiot.

And the worst part is…well, the fact that that isn’t even the worst part.  Pearlman really did track down two of his “haters” and phone them at their homes.  “I wanted to bash him,” Pearlman says. “I wanted to plaster his name, address and personal information atop a column on CNN.com, so that when someone Googled his name for future employment, they’d find the words “Sent me a link to pornographic material.” What’s worse, that Pearlman was overcome with total rage over being sent porn (something that every single person in the world, famous or not, has had happen to them) or that he thinks that a potential employer would really care?  How does Pearlman think that exchange would go down?

Potential Employer 1: “Well, I like this Matt guy a lot.”
Potential Employer 2: “Yes, I agree. Seems like a perfect candida—-wait, WAIT A MINUTE.  JEFF PEARLMAN SAYS THIS MAN LIKES PORN.”
Potential Employer 1: “How does Jeff Pearlman even know this man?  No no, never mind. Just banish him!”

"Sure he's an expert in the field, but PORN."

Pearlman notes that, in the end, he actually liked the individuals that he called.  He uses this as a lesson on how even the best of people lose their civility when they take to the internet, attempting to teach all of us that we really should behave online.  And while this may be a worthwhile lesson, the fact that Pearlman thinks that we can learn anything from his experience tells me that he has absolutely no idea that his behavior is really much closer to “insane psychopath” than “teacher.”  Pearlman, you’re a huge dick.  And please, PLEASE call me at home and I will explain why.  You probably will not like me as much as “Matt.”

Sofia Black D’Elia is another story altogether, though she, too, had exhibited as severe a case of being out of touch with reality as I have ever seen.

Sofia is an actress in the new MTV show Skins, which has come under fire recently due to the fact that it, you know, appears to violate those pesky child pornography laws.  In fairness though, how was MTV supposed to know that portraying children having sex on screen would be considered “child porn?”  There was really just no way for them to prepare themselves for that.  The show is apparently on the verge of cancellation now, but that hasn’t stopped Sofia from stepping out and defending the show.

Let’s start with the obvious.  Look, MTV. We know you think you’re “racy.”  We know you’re really, REALLY stretching for quality programming.  We know you need a hit show to get back on top.  BUT YOU CAN’T FUCKING HAVE KIDS HAVING SEX ON SCREEN. YOU JUST CAN’T.  I know it’s a hard concept.  I know.  But sometimes you actually CAN’T do things you want to do.

Snooki: legal. Skins cast: not legal. Wow, I just made myself sad.

But MTV’s stupidity does not trump that of it’s star(?) actress Sofia, who firmly believes that she has her finger on the pulse of America.  “All I can say is that as an actor on the show I’m proud of everything that we’ve done,” she says. “We created something that we really care about. We feel the show has so much heart and so much potential and can impact so many teenagers.” And while it’s certainly understandable to be proud of a show that you are a part of, the idea that she is CHANGING THE LIVES of teens across the globe simply by having lesbian sex on screen is arrogant, to say the least.  Hell, if having hot, hot sex on screen was enough to change world, I would happily lead the philanthropy parade.

Addressing concerns about the show’s impact on kids, she goes on to say, “we’re not raising America’s children, parents are!  If you’re nervous about it, watch it with them. Maybe it will be a great conversation starter on topics they normally aren’t comfortable talking about with their kids, like sex and drugs.”

Now, this tells me that Sofia Black D’Elia simply does not have parents.  She must not.  Because anyone with parents would know that, between the ages of 3 years old and, I don’t know, DEATH, the LAST things that anyone wants to talk about with their parents are sex and drugs.  Oh, and by the way, if it takes an alcohol-induced lesbian cheerleader sex scene on MTV to get you to broach those subjects with your kids, YOU’RE A REALLY SHITTY PARENT.

Worst of all, though, was this comment from Sofia:  “Everyone in our cast is under 20 so that immediately, I think, kind of puts people on edge ‘cause these are real teenagers doing these things. It’s what teens are doing, the way teenagers behave…drugs all of that and the sex they’re vices and that’s what teenagers have.”

Pictured: vices.

Look, Sofia.  Maybe some people would give you the benefit of the doubt on this, but give me a fucking break.  You are a (barely) 19-year-old Hollywood starlet.  The idea that you know what “real teenagers” are doing would be laughable if it weren’t so Goddamn insulting.  To imply that your alcoholic, sex-crazed, popular cheerleader lesbian character represents what you would have us believe to be common teen issues is just…just stupid.  You’re stupid.

The fact is that Hollywood actors have been trying to tell us how to behave for ages, making us believe that they know what’s happening in the “real world” better than we do.  And it’s always insulting.  But a 19-year-old telling parents that they have “serious trust issues” because they won’t let their kids watch what is apparently legally child porn probably crosses a line that would make even George Clooney say, “jeez, that’s a little pretentious.”

So Sofia, shut the fuck up.  Jeff, you too.  These two were such dicks last week that we have our first joint award, and damned if they don’t both deserve it.

Honorable Mentions:

Jermaine Pennant: Most of you have probably never heard of Jermaine Pennant.  He is a soccer player for the English Premier League club Stoke City.  Although Stoke are a terrible team, Jermaine clearly is not wanting for cash, as he recently forgot that he owned a Porsche.  He parked the car at a Spanish train station, and there it sat for over a month, accumulating tickets, until it registered with someone that the Porsche with the license plate that read “P33NNT” might belong to Pennant.  Yeah, Pennant forgot he owned a car that costs more money than most of us make in a year.

 

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