Charlie Sheen Week Kick-Off (Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #18)

27 Feb

This is an exciting time for us at Dick of the Week.  We make no secret of the fact that Mel Gibson is our hero.  Every story that has come out about Mel Gibson is the greatest story every told.  In the summer of 2010, when recordings of Mel Gibson’s insane phone calls with his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva were leaked, we had an absolute field day listening to them.  They became instant Dick of the Week classics.  We made ringtones of them.  A good 50% of the words we said became Gibson quotes.  In short, it was a revolution of sorts, because Mel Gibson had set a new standard for Dickishness in the world.  We told ourselves that if Gibson ever came before a public trial, we would host a Mel Gibson Week.

Well, Mel has yet to be publicly strung up, and Mel Gibson Week has been put on hold.  We were disappointed.

Then, Charlie Sheen happened.

Thank you, Charlie. Thank you.

We’ve always known that Charlie Sheen is crazy.  That really isn’t the issue here.  His history with drugs, porn stars, and other poor life choices is well documented, and as the week progresses we will walk you through a blow-by-blow history of Charlie Sheen’s lifetime of debauchery.  So without further ado, I would like to take this opportunity to announce the commencement of Charlie Sheen Week.

We’ll save the walkthrough for later in the week, because right now I want to direct your attention to the events of the past few days, in which Charlie provided us with enough material for a lifetime of Dick of the Week articles.  Let’s start with this past Thursday, when Sheen made an appearance on Alex Jones‘ radio show.  Production had been halted on Sheen’s television show, Two and a Half Men, because of Sheen’s recent hospitalization following a 36-hour cocaine and sex bender.  Sheen insisted that he was ready to return to work, but the show’s producers declined to invite him back to filming until they were satisfied that he was not going to continue to cause problems.  Unfortunately, Sheen was not okay with this.  Rather than simply accept that the production stoppage was due to the mistakes that he had made, Charlie took to the media to plead his case.

Alex Jones, of course, is a well known radical right-wing radio host.  An avowed 9/11 conspiracy theorist, Jones is clearly a massive dick in his own right.  But even Jones is simply along for the ride when Sheen begins his rant.  The fifteen minute rant makes Mel Gibson look positively sane.  I recommend listening to Sheen’s rant from beginning to end.  I have attached the file below:

Seriously, I’m begging you. Listen to the whole thing.

Because I know that not everyone will have time to listen to it, I will share some of the best quotes below.  Yeah.  There are a LOT.

“Let me just say this about the goddesses. I don’t think the term is good enough. But when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions you must use the best choice available.  So if you think about it dude, I’m oh-for-three with marriage with nary an excuse. Like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn’t lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the heart—of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract I will leave to the amateurs and the bible-grippers.”

“Where there were four, there are now three. Good-bye, Brooke, and good luck in your travels; you’re going to need it. Badly … She’s not there now and we are and I don’t know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn’t make the rules. Oops.””

“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time – and this includes naps – I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”

“My motto now is you must either love or you hate. And you must do so violently. And you have to hate everybody who is not in your family because they will destroy your family, and they will come at you in all forms and shapes. And therefore there’s nothing in the middle. Don’t live in the middle because that’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen. And within that is tremendous focus and tremendous clarity and tremendous peace because you have absolute and total resolve about your decisions.  If you love with violence and hate with violence there is nothing that can be questioned. And people say ‘oh, you’ve got to work through your resentment. Yeah, no. I’m going to hang onto them and they’re going to fuel my attack. And they’re going to fuel the battle cry of my secret and silent soldiers. Because they’re all around you. Anyway, you thought you were just messing with one dude? Sorry: Winning!”

Pictured: Winning.

“I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”

“I think it was Nails that said, and I was really flattered that he got it right, he might be Nails, but I’m bayonets. I’m battle tested bayonets.”

“I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’”

“I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself… It’s the work of sissies. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent.”

“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and just winning every second, and I’m not just perfect and bitching and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn.”

I’m sorry, that was rather lengthy.  And it’s really just the tip of the iceberg–please, I again urge you to listen to the rant in its entirety.  As you can see, Sheen has a little bit of pent up anger against his producer, Chuck Lorre.  Why Sheen hates Lorre so much is never quite clear, but one can assume it probably has something to do with Lorre disapproving of Sheen’s lifestyle and the fact that Sheen has presumably made his life hell for much of the past 8 years.

Before moving on, Charlie also called into Pat O’Brien’s radio show.  He said many of the same things that I’ve already covered above, but it was on O’Brien’s show that he shared perhaps my favorite quote of the whole tirade:

“I put a billion dollars in the studio’s pockets and I put half a billion dollars in Chuck’s pocket. I should of been walking in to massages and hand jobs. Yeah, I said it!”

Sheen’s overestimation of his own self-worth aside, wow.  I will give Charlie Sheen this much: any place that lists massages and hand jobs as a benefit is a place that I want to work.

Come to think of it, isn’t Two and a Half Men about two immature men raising a kid?  Doesn’t that mean there’s a kid on the set?  It’s not like Sheen’s behavior has come out of nowhere.  Sure, that kid is a little older now, but doesn’t that mean that at one point a young, impressionable child was allowed to spend hours in Charlie Sheen’s presence every single day?  Even as it is, the kid is only 17.  Poor form all around, I have to say.

No, I'm sure he'll be fine though.

Following Sheen’s radio rant, CBS halted production on Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season.  Since Sheen is paid by the episode, this essentially ensured that CBS would not have to pay him any more until they could be satisfied that his life was in order, and resume filming.  Unfortunately, it also means that the remainder of the Two and a Half Men cast and crew will not be working (or getting paid) for the remainder of the season.  Thanks, Charlie.  Because he couldn’t keep his fucking mouth shut, good, hard-working people will now struggle to make ends meet this year.  Do you think Assistant Key Grip #2 really cares about how awesome Charlie Sheen thinks it is to have sex with porn stars?  Sheen’s rant itself is, in reality, less dickish than the consequences that it had on others.

When Sheen was informed that he would not be working for the remainder of the season, what did he do?  Did he issue an apology?  Did he step back for a second for some healthy self-examination?  Perhaps he began to recognize the destructive effect that his actions were beginning to have on his career and those of his colleagues?  No.  Because it worked so well the first time, Charlie instead chose to turn to his WORDS again!  He issued a strongly worded open letter to his producers (really, just to Lorre) which contained even more gems.  Let’s take a look, shall we?

“What does this say about Chaim Levine [anti-Semitic term referring to Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me.  I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows. I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth.”

“I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon.”

“Clearly, I have defeated this earthworm with my words; imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.”

Actually, the fire-breathing fists part intrigues me.  If Charlie Sheen’s fists really do breathe fire, I take back everything negative that I said about him, because that would be fucking awesome.  Evolutionarily questionable, but awesome nonetheless.

And what has Charlie done since?  Well, several things.  He invited a journalist to his house to watch him pee in a cup and take a drug test.  Which, I should note, he passed.  Which you would think would be a good thing, but I honestly just find concerning.  If you listened to Sheen’s rant, you know he sounded strung out on something.  If he WASN’T on any drugs, then that implies that that is Sheen’s actual sober personality, which I consider to be a far more frightening prospect.  I don’t want to call Charlie Sheen insane, but when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions…

"Now watch me pee, so you know it's legit. I SAID WATCH ME PEE."

He also talked to TMZ, where he strung further insults at Chuck Lorre:

“I violently hate Chaim Levine. He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a … punk that I’d never want to be like.”

“That piece of shit [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family’s pocket and most importantly, my second family–my crew’s–pocket.”

Yes, Charlie.  Your crew is your “second family.”  Would this be the same crew that you left out of work simply because you refused to properly rehab and end your feud with your producers?  I suppose that’s fair.  I think most people would agree that petty grievances between multi-millionaires are more important than family.

As it stands, Sheen’s rant has been classified as “career-killing,” but, as he has yet to be fired, we’ll wait and see.  Sheen told RadarOnline that he wants to leave the show and that he has been in talks to host a show on HBO called Sheen’s Corner, which would pay him $5 million per episode.  Which would be great for Charlie, if it was true.  Which it is not.  At all.  Why anyone would believe that HBO would want anyone to do with the most self-destructive man in America (sorry Mel, the torch has been passed) remains unclear, but honestly: if Sheen already thinks he’s king of the world making $1.2 million an episode on CBS, why in the WORLD would HBO stroke his ego even more?  I may not know much, but I know that’s a recipe for creating a monster.

Anyway, Sheen capped off a busy few days by filming a 20/20 episode for ABC, in which Charlie clears things up for all of us:

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Indeed, Charlie.  Indeed.

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