Mel Gibson Celebrates Charlie Sheen Week

1 Mar

Among the more interesting facts to come out of the past few days is the fact that Charlie Sheen claims to have received messages of support from Mel Gibson, Sean Penn, and Colin Farrell, otherwise known as the Holy Trinity of Psychotic Actors.

“Sean Penn was over the other night and we had a few laughs,” Charlie told Piers Morgan.  And look, it’s not that Charlie Sheen isn’t a funny guy.  Shit, I can imagine I’d be laughing my tits off if I got to spend five minutes with the guy.  It’s just that…look, Sean, is this really the time to be knocking back a few beers with your pal Charlie?  It’s not as though Penn hasn’t had issues of his own in this realm.

But really, I think the most important thing to come out of this was the following statement:

“[Mel Gibson] was just great. Not calling with any advice. [He said] ‘Just thought you might like to hear a friendly voice.  He was a stone cold dude, I was impressed.”

We’ve minced no words about our love for Mel Gibson here. The man has made a science out of being a dick.  But we can only imagine what his conversation with Charlie Sheen must have been like…

DREAM SEQUENCE!

CHARLIE SHEEN: Man am I WINNING.  It’s only a matter of time before CBS sees the light and lets me come back to work.  Who cares if I do a little cocaine–it helps me remember my lines.  I wouldn’t be HALF the actor I am today without cocaine.

[phone rings]

CS: Now who the hell could that be?  Some other loser reporter jealous of my gnarly and bitchin’ life?

MEL GIBSON: WELL HIIIIIIIDEE HO THERE, CHARLIE!

CS: MEL! Good to hear from you, buddy! What have you been up to?

MG: Well, to tell you the truth Charlie, been reading a lot about you.

CS: Oh man, that’s good to hear, Mel. I’m sure you of all people get how fuckin’ awesome my life is. You and me, we’re the same, bro.

MG: Well, Charlie, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.  You know, my life used to be great.  I was on top of the world.  I was Mad Max, man, I was Braveheart.  But I made some mistakes, Charlie.  I threatened my ex-girlfriend.  I’m not proud of it.  I made some hateful comments.  All that started my life in a downward spiral, Charlie.

CS: Shit Mel, are you for real?

MG: NAAAHHHH! JUST FUCKIN’ WITH YOU CHARLIE!  FUCK BITCHES, GET MONEY!  YEEEAAAAAHHHHH!

CS: HA! I knew it!  Seriously though Mel, I do need some help.

MG: WHAT THE FUCK CAN I DO FOR YOU, MY MAN?

CS: Well you know how pissed off I am at this bitchy little punk Chuck Lorre.

MG: FUCK YEAH I DO.

CS: I wanted to really dig deep, so I called him Chaim Levine–you know, to let people know that he’s really Jewish.

MG: FUCK THAT NOISE.

CS: Fuckin’ right.  But these fucking losers didn’t get it.  I need advice from the master on how to insult some frickin’ Jews.

MG: WELL THAT’S EASY SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER.  FIRST, YOU GET REALLY FUCKIN’ DRUNK.

CS: Way ahead of you.

MG: THEN, YOU MAKE A MOTHERFUCKIN’ MOVIE ABOUT HOW EVIL JEWS ARE.

CS: Gonna be tough since those CBS fucks won’t let me work, but I’m with you.

MG: THEN YOU JUST GOTTA ASSAULT A COP OR SOME SHIT AND GET CAUGHT ON TAPE YELLING ABOUT HOW THE JEWS RUN THE WORLD AND ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR 9/11 AND PEARL HARBOR AND SNOOKI AND SHIT. THAT SHIT’LL GET SPREAD AROUND THE INTERNET LIKE FUCKIN’ CRAZY AND THEN EVERYONE WILL KNOW THE TRUTH.

CS: You’re a fuckin’ genius, Mel!

MG: GODDAMN RIGHT I AM, I’M MEL MOTHERFUCKIN’ GIBSON.

CS: So that clears up the Jews thing.  Any other advice, Mel?

MG: YOU GOTTA TELL ‘EM WHO YOU REALLY ARE. YOU GOTTA MAKE THE PEOPLE SEE THE LIGHT.  YOU GOT POETRY IN YOUR FINGERTIPS BOY, YOU GOTTA USE IT.

CS: Damn right I do.  What do you think I should tell them?

MG: TELL THEM WHAT THEY’VE DONE TO YOU.  BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, TELL THEM WHAT THEY’VE DONE TO THEMSELVES. TO THEIR SHOW. TWO AND A HALF MEN DIMS.  ALL THAT REMAINS ARE MEMORIES. I REMEMBER A TIME OF CHAOS. RUINED DREAMS. THIS WASTED LAND. BUT MOST OF ALL, I REMEMBER THE WARRIOR. THE MAN WE CALLED “CHARLIE SHEEN.” TO UNDERSTAND WHO HE WAS, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO ANOTHER TIME. WHEN THE WORLD WAS POWERED BY THE JEWS.  AND HOLLYWOOD SPROUTED GREAT CITIES OF SCREEN AND REEL.  GONE NOW, SWEPT AWAY. FOR REASONS LONG FORGOTTEN, TO MIGHTY WARRIOR TRIBES WENT TO WAR AND TOUCHED OFF A BLAZE WHICH ENGULFED THEM ALL.  WITHOUT FUEL, THEY WERE NOTHING. THEY BUILD A HOUSE OF STRAW.  THE THUNDERING MACHINES SPUTTERED AND STOPPED.  THE PRODUCERS TALKED AND TALKED AND TALKED.  BUT NOTHING COULD STEM THE AVALANCHE.  THE AVALANCHE THAT IS CHARLIE SHEEN.  THEIR WORLD CRUMBLED.  THE CITIES EXPLODED.  ON THE SCREENS IT WAS A FORGOTTEN LINE NIGHTMARE.  ONLY THOSE STONED ENOUGH TO STUDY, BRUTAL ENOUGH TO STAND UP TO THE JEWS WOULD SURVIVE.  AND IN THIS MAELSTROM OF DECAY, ORDINARY MEN WERE BATTERED AND SMASHED.  MEN LIKE CHARLIE SHEEN.  THE WARRIOR CHARLIE SHEEN.  IN THE ROAR OF CHUCK LORRE, HE LOST EVERYTHING.  AND BECAME A SHELL OF A MAN, A BURNT OUT, DESOLATE MAN, A MAN HAUNTED BY THE DEMONS OF HIS PAST, A MAN WHO WANDERED INTO THE WASTELAND.  AND IT WAS HERE, IN THIS BLIGHTED PLACE, THAT HE LEARNED TO LIVE AGAIN.

CS: That was beautiful, Mel.

MG: FUCK YEAH! I’D LOVE TO CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION, BUT I’VE GOT TO GO SIT IN THE BUSHES OUTSIDE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND’S HOUSE WITH A RICHARD NIXON MASK AND A KNIFE!

CS: Enjoy!

MG: PEACE OUT, MOTHERFUCKER.

We love you, Mel.

My life fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories. I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called “Max”. To understand who he was, you have to go back to another time. When the world was powered by the black fuel. And the desert sprouted great cities of pipe and steel. Gone now, swept away. For reasons long forgotten, two mighty warrior tribes went to war and touched off a blaze which engulfed them all. Without fuel, they were nothing. They built a house of straw. The thundering machines sputtered and stopped. Their leaders talked and talked and talked. But nothing could stem the avalanche. Their world crumbled. The cities exploded. A whirlwind of looting, a firestorm of fear. Men began to feed on men. On the roads it was a white line nightmare. Only those mobile enough to scavenge, brutal enough to pillage would survive. The gangs took over the highways, ready to wage war for a tank of juice. And in this maelstrom of decay, ordinary men were battered and smashed. Men like Max. The warrior Max. In the roar of an engine, he lost everything. And became a shell of a man, a burnt out, desolate man, a man haunted by the demons of his past, a man who wandered out into the wasteland. And it was here, in this blighted place, that he learned to live again…
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: