Charlie Sheen Week Wrap-Up

9 Mar

Yes, Charlie Sheen Week has been over for a few days, and we admit that we fell a little behind.  But it is fucking EXHAUSTING keeping up with that man!  To wrap up the week, I thought I’d put together a little timeline of some of the highlights of Charlie’s recent meltdown.

February 24: Charlie’s initial interview on the Alex Jones show.  This is the interview that started the downward spiral.  At first, I was going to urge you all once again to listen to it in its entirety.  But having again done so myself, this interview, which was the craziest thing I had ever heard at the time, is now completely dwarfed by the immensity of craziness and dickishness that Charlie has since thrown at us.

February 28: Charlie begins his media blitz, appearing on The Today Show.  It’s more of the same from his Alex Jones interview, where he once again expresses his profound hatred for his bosses and brags about his “bitchin'” life.  It is from this interview that the “Adonis DNA” and “Tiger Blood” quotes that have become such an integral part of our national consciousness originated.

February 28: Following his appearance on The Today Show, Charlie’s longtime publicist abruptly resigns.

February 28: Alex Jones appears on The View to defend Charlie Sheen, and proceeds to make a complete ass of himself.  I know Charlie doesn’t have the best judgment in the world, but I have to think that even Charlie probably wanted Alex Jones to calm the fuck down after watching this clip.  This “9/11 Truther” asshole can’t talk about anything other than himself and his fucking insane conspiracy theories.  I think if I sat too close to Alex Jones, I might become mentally handicapped.  In fact, I think just typing about Alex Jones has rendered me half retarded.  If you think Alex Jones is anything less than a complete lunatic, stop reading this blog right now.  Just stop.  I hate you.  I hate you with the fire of a million of Charlie Sheen’s flaming fists.  Kill yourself.

February 28: Ahem, moving on.  Charlie experiments with his first live stream, spending nearly an hour talking to TMZ “reporter” Mike Walters from the backyard of his home.  More hilarity ensues (which we were kind enough to live-blog).

February 28: Concluding a busy day of public appearances, Charlie stops by Piers Morgan Tonight. Actually, this was probably the most lucid of his interviews, so we’re hesitant to make too much fun of it.  Except, wait…“Then I start hearing stories about they’re going to hire John Stamos,” he said. “You guys do that, you deserve everything that happens later.” I do believe Charlie Sheen just dissed John Stamos.  You, sir, are back out of our good graces.

March 1: Charlie Sheen joins Twitter (@CharlieSheen, follow it right now).  Not surprisingly, he set a world record by topping a million followers in just over 24 hours (he has since added more than a million additional followers).

March 1: Charlie’s now-infamous 20/20 interview premiers.  Charlie issues more rambling diatribes and announces that he IS on a drug: “it’s called–CHARLIE SHEEN!”

March 1: Brook Mueller, Charlie’s ex-wife, successfully has Charlie’s custody of their children taken away.  Charlie goes into something of a minor tailspin, and quotes like “I don’t know where my kids are right now” begin to surface.

March 5: The debut of “Sheen’s Korner,” Charlie’s latest live stream adventure.  Charlie essentially rambled for more than 45 minutes, making little (and often no) sense.  Many media outlets tore into Sheen for the webcast, which the New York Post called “pointless” and “sad,” though the article also featured this image:

We'll call it a draw.

March 6: Time reveals that Charlie joined Twitter essentially to make money.  Charlie signs with the advertising firm Ad.ly, an agency that reported pays Kim Kardashian (for instance) upwards of $10,000 per tweet.  Are we holding it against him?  How could we? Look at that picture. There’s a fucking foot-high dollar sign on his shirt.  I don’t think he’s deceived us.

March 6: Sheen’s Korner, Episode 2 premiers.  Stripped of the trappings of the previous installment, this episode simply featured Charlie recording a lengthy phone call with a friend, during which he made, again, absolutely no sense at all.  Charlie announces that he feels no pain because “pain is a myth.”  Oh, did we mention that he appears to have aged roughly 700 years in the last two weeks?

March 7: Charlie is officially fired by Warner Bros.  Was anyone really surprised?  For a little while, we believed that Charlie would come back to the show, which would (without a doubt) get higher ratings than any show in the history of time for the week or two following his return.  Hell, we even entertained the notion that CBS might have planned the whole thing.  But after a while, it became clear that Charlie is…well…not well. We almost feel bad laughing at him at this point.  Almost.

March 7: Charlie wants an intern.  Yep, Charlie sheen announces that #TeamSheen wants to hire an intern with #TigerBlood who can #PlanBetter than anyone for the summer of 2011.  Fuck, man.  We’re both employed, but the thought of getting to have unlimited free sex with porn stars at Charlie Sheen’s private villa is enough to make us drop anything.

March 7: Sheen’s Korner, Episode 3 runs.  Neon Tommy characterized the display as “rang[ing] from bombastic to alarming to deeply depressing,” which seems pretty much par for the Charlie Sheen course.

March 8: A.J. Daulerio, one of our personal heroes here at Dick of the Week, publishes Charlie’s phone number.  Frankly, it’s a bit of a dick move on A.J.’s part.  In fact, we would feel bad about this, but one Jezebel reporter called him pretending to be interested in auditioning to be one of his “Goddesses,” and immediately received a callback and request for a photo.  So, Charlie clearly didn’t care all that much as long as it meant hot girls were calling him.  And really, it’s things like that that pull Charlie from the realm of “pitiable character” and back into the category of “colossal dick” where he belongs.

So you see, it’s difficult to keep up with this fellow, but at least our coverage ends with him squarely back in the Dick Hall of Fame where he belongs.  And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

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