Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #20: Atheists

17 Mar

Oh no, he’s not really going to go there, is he?

Yes. Yes he is.

I’m sure this is going to spur a lot of angry emails, but you can all fuck off.  Atheists are fucking annoying, and we all know it.

Before we begin, I’m going to drawn an important distinction: I’m not talking about atheists.  Lowercase ‘a’ atheists are just fine.  They choose not to believe in God, and that’s their decision.  I would never criticize someone for the religious or non-religious group to which they choose to belong (unless they’re Scientologists, in which case I hope they get hit by a bus made of cancer).  Despite what you may think, we’re actually fairly tolerant people here at Dick of the Week: we just hate people and groups of people who behave like dicks.  And capital ‘A’ Atheists are among the biggest bunch of cuntflaps I’ve ever met in my life.

What do I mean by Atheists?  I have always called them Evangelical Atheists, because that’s essentially what they are.  We have all met people like this.  If you went to college, chances are there were seventeen of them living on your dorm floor your freshman year.  They’re not hard to spot.  In fact, you don’t even really need to hear them speak to identify them.  They all look and act more or less the same.  My brother came home for Christmas during his first year of college and made an offhand comment about how his roommate was “not a big fan of religion.”

Me: “Really? Are we talking, aggressively anti-religion?”

My brother: “Yeah.”

Me: “And let me guess: he listens to a lot of bands you’ve never heard of.”

My brother: “…yeah?”

Me: “Wears a lot of flanel.”

My brother: “How…? Yeah.”

Me: “Thick rimmed glasses?”

My brother: “Have you met this kid? How the fuck do you know all this?”

Weirdly, that exchange took place before I ever saw this picture. I know it's tongue-in-cheek, but it's...it's shockingly accurate. (via RustyLime)


Atheists are basically religious hipsters, but they like to fashion themselves as brave fighters about the oppressive and crushing weight of our religious society.  But religion hasn’t been truly oppressive since the fucking puritans.  I grew up in New England, the WASP capital of the world, and never once did I feel the intense pressure to be religious that Atheists claim.  Fuck man, my church even had a gay pastor for about three years, and everyone in the congregation loved him.  For Atheists to claim that they are “brave rebels” against organized religion’s iron fist is akin to me claiming to be a “brave rebel” against the mole people.  In reality, Atheists are kids who never quite grew out of the need to rebel that most of us felt in high school.  I chose to dye my hair a couple times, Atheists chose to look down on the “sheeple” who “blindly” follow organized religion.

The notion that anyone who follows organized religion does so blindly is a particularly insulting one to me.  They simply are unable to accept the fact that many people like to take some things on faith (actually, I never understood that either, because every time an Atheist spends an hour lecturing me on what a blind fool I am, they are taking it on faith that I’m not going to punch them in the head).  I happen to like the doctrine of Christianity; I’ve been a Protestant since an early age.  Sure, I could leave the Church.  But why?  I may not be a particularly devout Christian, but it is something that has given me comfort during difficult times in my life, and that is certainly worth something to me and others like me.  If believing that there is no God is comforting for atheists (or even Atheists), then I can certainly find no fault with that.  But I would not ask them to alter the support system in their life that works for them.  I wish I could expect similar courtesy in return.

The trouble with Atheists is the fact that they care too much.  They will spend hours and hours lecturing you on the reasons that you should not belong to an organized religion.  Given the chance, they will tell you how reading Richard Dawkins changed their lives, how Christopher Hitchens (who, as a side note, is actually worth reading) is the greatest thinker of our time, and how if you don’t know who they are it’s because your brain has been indoctrinated by years and years of Christian propaganda.

But as I said, they are entitled to their beliefs (or lack thereof).  And them trying to convert others to their way of thinking doesn’t necessarily bother me on the surface.  I’m a republican, and I spend a lot of time trying to convince other people that I’m right.  I think Ke$ha should be eaten by wolves, and I spend a lot of time trying to convince people of that as well.

"I smell...glitter..."

So really, my problem with this “evangelical Atheism,” as I like to call it, is the fact that the very crux of their anti-religious argument almost always involves arrogant Christians trying to force their beliefs on others!

Cue the angry emails, but fuck off, Atheists.  I know you’re going to tell me how “different” it is when you do it, and how Christians (and it’s ALWAYS Christians.  I’ve never heard any Atheists talk about, say, Muslims, who hail from a far more restrictive and demanding religion–you might as well change your name from “Atheist” to “Antichristian,” because it’s much more accurate) indoctrinate you from a young age and corrupt you.  In fact, arguing with an Atheist is often always an exercise in futility, because they will conveniently dismiss any counter-argument as “propaganda” that you have “sadly” been “indoctrinated” with your entire life.  They will sadly shake their heads at your pitiable faith and walk away satisfied in their own superiority.  Having had literally dozens of these conversations (yep, I’m a moron), I can say confidently that it is enough to make you want to violate a few key Commandments.

“We don’t care about religion,” Atheists will say.  “We don’t care.  We’re happy without religion and you could be too.”  Well Atheists, here’s the thing.  Contrary to what you think, you’re actually happy with religion.  And it breaks my heart to have to tell you this.  It becomes, in reality, the defining difference between atheists and Atheists.  The atheists are happy without religion.  It isn’t something that they’ve chosen to make a part of their life, and, as such, they give it no thought outside of how it directly affects them.  The Atheists, on the other hand, have made religion their life.  They have literally defined their entire existence in relation to religion.  They aren’t just people who are not religions: they are people who are anti-religious.  Atheists are to religion as al-Qaeda is to the United States, while atheists are to religion as gophers are to the United States.  Yeah, I just compared Atheists to al-Qaeda, but if you don’t comprehend that it was just a metaphor, you’re ever worse than I thought.

In all honestly, the problem is that Atheists are hypocrites, and aggressive hypocrites at that.  They complain the Christians try to force their values down peoples’ throats, then spend two hours lecturing religious folks about how stupid they are.  They profess to not care about religion, then devote their lives to talking about it.  Many colleges even have atheist support groups.  Atheist support groups?  Why would an atheist need a support group?  A true atheist wouldn’t waste a minute of their time on religion.  In reality, these groups are little more than Atheist circle jerks, where smug, self-satisfied Atheists can congratulate each other on being so much smarter than the rest of the sheep.  Nothing like a little self-congratulation to get you through the day.

In conclusion, Atheists are literally the most annoying people on earth.  They’re like stealth evangelists: at least you can usually see it coming when a religious evangelist comes your way.  Atheists profess to hate those evangelists, and in doing so lull you into a false sense of security.  They’re the smug, hypocritical boa constrictors of faith.  Assured of their own superiority, they blast it in the face of everyone they see.  They’re dicks, plain and simple, and, frankly, I’m surprised it took us this long to get to them.

Thanks, xkcd! This should set the tone for the hate mail.


3 Responses to “Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #20: Atheists”

  1. Gregary October 15, 2012 at 9:50 pm #

    This is the best article that I have ever read…….. THANK YOU!

  2. Chase May 17, 2013 at 1:07 am #

    I laughed so hard at this because it’s so true. BEST READ EVER

  3. Devin Urbisci October 3, 2013 at 10:56 pm #

    Religion hasn’t been oppressive since the puritans? Even if you’re specifically referring to christianity in America, and i think you are, religion has been and continues to be oppressive.

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