Softball on the National Mall

12 Jun

Greetings to all.  Yes, we have returned from a brief hiatus to inform you of the people that we think are dicks in this world.  In the coming weeks we will continue to point out the most abhorrent people out there (famous and lesser known);  while at the same time, pushing to further explore the depths of meaning in the word “dick”.  We will not be doing the traditional “Dick of the Week” or “Dick Hall of Fame”.  Those titles can be rather restricting, so we are just going to inform you of a dick and give you as much information as we can at that time.  Now, let me draw your attention to a new phenomena which has drawn our ire lately.

Can you spot the American pastime?

For those who are unaware, the national mall is listed as having 15 softball fields on its premises.  15?  Really?  Where do they happen to partake in this activity?  On the grass in the middle of the mall.  Oh, that seems a little odd but let’s go further to explore this topic.  For the record, we are not against beer league softball.  If anyone needs THAT much of an excuse to sit around and drink with a bunch of people, more power to you.  Softball is the sport for you.  But the problem lies more with the type of people and location.  From experience, this environment is ripe for exerting dickish qualities.  The first example is the mutual circle jerk of past accomplishments.  Many of these participants are quick to point out that they were the MAN when they were in high school.  They were great athletes at every sport, and that makes them the best slow-pitch softball player around.  Phrases such as: Dude I was such a good baseball player back in the day or I was really good at baseball but decided to focus on other things.   Yeah, no. We totally believe you.  This completely explains why you are on a co-ed softball team and not playing on a major league baseball team right now.  And I am sure that you were the man on your Division 3C state championship team back in Delaware.  Next there is that element of taking the game just too damn seriously.

Even Kramer says that's a dick move

These are the guys you played flag football with back in college who took the time to draw up a play book and would actually call out plays instead of pointing at someone and saying “Run over there.”  Seriously, you have to accept that your athletic dream just didn’t happen, and the slow-pitch softball league is just not the place to let out your pent-up frustration.

But no, some players take the time to cut the sleeves off their 10 dollar team shirt with a terrible pun on it (Seriously why?).  You can also tell exactly who plays in these leagues because they are the ones who walk on the metro with their old bat bags from high school.  We get it, you play in a softball league, we don’t care.  And there is absolutely no chance of us engaging you to talk about it.  Though these are the guys you have to watch out for on the field because once they get those guts moving, Newton’s laws of motion allow them to put a bit of power into those fluttering pitches.  And those metal bats—wait, metal bats?  You guys use metal bats on the mall?  What is this, Tee Ball?  The mall is a tenth of a mile wide.  You need a metal bat to help you get that little bit of extra power to hit a larger ball thrown to you underhand?  Clearly that girl you’ve been hitting on is going to have to rethink your gallant sports stories from high school.  This is one of the few times that I will say safety is a slight issue.  The National Mall is a very high traffic area, and if you foul off a pitch (doesn’t seem that unlikely) you take the head off of anyone because honestly, it’s not a setting that one should be expecting to be struck by a ball.  By no means am I advocating for the safety tourists, in fact, I find the masses of color coordinated shirts to be rather terrifying.  And it should be legal to put your shoulder into the couple standing on both sides of the escalator when you’re trying to catch your train.  But I digress…

Playing these leagues on the mall really tears up the grass and ruins it for the rest other people because of cleats and those bases shoved into the ground.   Are we that worried that the integrity of this game will be tarnished if you home plate moves around? Because it’s not like the fees for the mall are covering the costs to regrow the grass.

The receding hairline of our nation

And at the end of the day, this is just an excuse to go out and drink away the dregs of the day, and it doubles as a shallow attempt to meet women.  Which I would not have a problem with if it wasn’t in such a public area.  A bunch of sweaty overweight congressional workers is not what our country wants to see.  Just go to the bars, please.  It’s just cutting out the middle man at this point, and we can stop the fake competitiveness.  This is just a poor attempt at socialization and half the time the teams are barely able to field full lineups.  Overall, things will be a lot better if they either stop playing these leagues on the mall or find somewhere else to play them.  And, if you’re going to drive around the mall screaming to your team that you JUST need to find parking, chances are we have labeled you a dick.

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