Women

Calm down. I know, I know–the title. But hear me out here, I have very specific reasons for this post.  Regular readers will know that yours truly is a huge Boston sports fan, so naturally I couldn’t have been happier when Zdeno Chara lifted the Stanley Cup approximately 80 feet in the air.

Despite some urging to do an entry on the Vancouver Canucks for their behavior during the Finals and an overwhelming urge to write one about the assholes who bring their children to victory parades (did I mention I attended the parade? Because I definitely flew up for the parade), I held off.  However, the Bruins’ championship has sparked a realization in me: women have it too easy.

Think about this for a moment. I’m sure may of you have seen the pictures of Bruins players celebrating after the win.  The Dallas Mavericks were the same way.  For those less informed, I’ll share a couple below:

Brad Marchand, killing it as usual.

Dirk Nowitzki killing it...ironically.

Tyler Seguin, just...I don't...God DAMN.

These guys are partying as hard as physically possible, and GOOD FOR THEM!  Lets’ take a look at that last picture in particular, though.  Look at the quality of tail that Tyler Sequin is rolling in.  And you know the other Mavs and Bruins players aren’t any different.  Just look at those women.  Tyler Seguin can, for all intents and purposes, have his pick of them.

And therein lies the problem.  Male athletes are hot.  It’s just a fact. They’re sex symbols, and rightly so.  And when men win championships, what do they do?  They go out and get BLASTED.  And what do they do when they get blasted? They have sex with any number of random women.

I know what you’re thinking. “What’s the problem with that?” you ask.  I’ll tell you what the problem is.  There’s no reciprocity!

Think about it.  Realistically, any woman in AMERICA could theoretically fuck an elite athlete and sex symbol just by being in the right place at the right time.  Ladies, you heard me right.  You see those pictures up there?  If you were in that bar, you had a chance to fuck Tyler Seguin.  And that’s just a fact.

But women?  First of all, female athletes are rarely hot.  The best of them typically hover around the Venus and Serena Williams level.  And Williamses, I love you, but you’re not sex symbols.

No matter how hard Sports Illustrated may try.

The second issue lies in the fact that elite female athletes rarely play team sports.  Think about the top female athletes from the past decade. The Williamses? Anna Kournikova?  Annika Sörenstam?  Fuck, I don’t know…Tara Lipinski?   I’m stretching, aren’t I?  The point is, none of them played team sports that would make them run out and celebrate afterwords.  Hell, I wouldn’t be complaining if, after the Olympics, Misty May and whatever her teammate’s name was went out and got hammered and had gold medal sex with a bunch of guys.  But they just don’t.

And the sad fact is that even women who play team sports don’t celebrate this way.  Remember when the US Women’s National Soccer Team won the women’s World Cup?

Trust me, you remember.

If Brandi Chastain went out and fucked the whole stadium after that, that’d be one thing.  But she didn’t.  They celebrated all classy-like.  And Mia Hamm, the hottest, most high profile female athlete of them all, what did she do?  She married Nomar Garciaparra.  Another athlete.  Didn’t fuck him–married him.  Not a regular guy, not a bar rat–another athlete. It’s not right.

And you...fuck you.

We men will just have to accept the fact that, while any bar skank can have an opportunity to fuck a top shelf guy, Natalie Portman will never go on a blowjob spree after winning an Oscar.

It’s a fundamental disparity, and it’s a damn shame.