A Bunch of Dicks including the Kardashians

21 Jul

Greetings once again to all of our loyal dick of the week followers.  We are so sorry that we neglect all of you for whatever reason that we do.  If you were a pet or house plant, you most certainly would have died.  I want to construct this post by building up to the dick I wanted to profile by inserting some stories that have recently been bothering me.

Our bad

Angry Birds reaches 300 million players.  Does anyone see the problem with this?  Every time I see a cut of hours spent of Facebook and Gmail and Google+ and angry birds…I question how much lost work time that is.  Seriously, I know way too many people who keep spare phone chargers at work just so they can keep those wonderful 2 hour battery life full screen wonders working.  Plus, it’s not like your gaining anything from this.  It’s a game of angles that allows you to knock things over….what is this?  pong, tetris, DXBall (classic 90s time waster). At least read some news, do something constructive.  But playing a crappy game that requires little to no skill really does nothing but waste your time with no benefit.  Just imagine how you’ll feel if your high score ever got deleted!  If you answer that question with anything even remotely close to despair, you are playing the game too much.

DX BALL

Over the weekend, a group of 5 Clemson students managed to get arrested for stealing breakfast cereal from the school cafeteria after hours.  This story was troubling for two reasons.  The first being the fact that college students went as far as to steal cereal…at night.  Seriously, cafeterias are tailor-made for little swipes here and there.  Loaf of bread here, ketchup bottle here, tub of ice cream once in a while (Panini Press?).  Are half of my plates and bowls from MY college cafeteria?  Maybe, but those luxuries are expensive and these ones were made for heavy-duty washing (Translation: Never buying new ones).  I also get all of my glasses from free giveaways at bars, but that is another story.  Going out of your way to steal something like cereal just puts you in needless legal trouble and honestly it’s more effort than it’s probably worth.  If you’re going to get busted, get busted stealing a whole pig or a bunch of steaks…..Not something like ramen.

After loans, this is all you can afford

The second (bigger) problem is that the bail for this crime was set at 5,407 dollars.  The crime involved 5 kids and bags of Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks, Captain Crunch and Cocoa Puffs.  I don’t care if 5,407 STUDENTS raided the cafeteria after hours, these are college students.  The amount of money doesn’t matter in this case, it’s more the fact that it IS money.  Think about it, you just got robbed by 5 people who clearly could not afford cereal…I bet if bail was set at 20 dollars they would show up for court.  No need to flip out over a few dollars worth of cereal.

How dare you take things you paid for with your tuition!

And finally, our winner this day.  Kim Kardashian sues Old Navy over lookalike in ads.  Listen, I usually don’t pick on people who have intellects that rival a 4th grader, but this was just too ridiculous.  This lawsuit says that Kardashian “has invested substantial time, energy, finances and entrepreneurial effort in developing her considerable professional and commercial achievements and success, as well as in developing her popularity, fame, and prominence in the public eye.”  Here’s the thing, these commercials at no point reference Ms. Kardashian, they really only infringe on her by having someone who looks exactly like her.  In fact, this person might surpass her because, as far as I can tell, she can sing, which would be a step up.

Hold on, this is a tough one...

This is funny because usually lookalikes are a joke, good-natured humor about two people who happen to look strikingly similar.  However, most celebrities provide some talent that can’t just be visually mimicked.  Like the Obama double, you can’t really copy Obama.  You couldn’t copy Tom Brady because Tom Brady has a discernible set of skills that would make the difference between the two readily apparent.  Singer, writers, musicians, athletes all have a skill that really can’t be copied, which is exactly why Kim Kardashian got so very angry over this doppelgänger (No WAY she knows what this means) stealing her skill of….wearing clothes?  Smiling?  Oh, I’ve got it!  Being tan.  Seriously, if your only skill is being a rich airhead, you can’t get too angry when someone new and younger comes and takes your place in this market.  Right Paris?  Just because Jersey Shore and The Kardashians have taken all of your attention, you can still get by on your talents.  Have your dad pay to make you another album!  Or do another sex tape, those seem to go over well!  The sky is the limit….kinda.  Editor’s note: We are very sad that a class of people such as this exists.  So, Kim, we are sad this took so long but you win this dick of the week.
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