Archive by Author

Mark Halperin

30 Jun

Most people probably missed it, and the media probably won’t cover it because it really isn’t that big of a deal, but the fact remains that Mark Halperin, a TIME political analyst, called President Obama a dick on live television today.

Look Mark. I agree with you. I do. President Obama is kind of a dick a lot of the time. But this is our turf, and we’d appreciate it if you’d back the fuck off. You think you can just stumble your way into the calling people dicks field? We’re professionals, Mark, and we’re not just going to let this shit slide. Don’t try to bust in on our territory again.  And definitely don’t spend the next 20 minutes apologizing like you and the rest of the Morning Joe crew did after your little slip up. It’s embarrassing and degrading to those of us in the field.

We’re on the front lines here, Mark. If you’re going to try to muscle in on our turf, do it like a man.

UPDATE: Mark Halperin has been suspended indefinitely from his analyst role at MSNBC. See Mark? This is what happens when you stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.

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Women

22 Jun

Calm down. I know, I know–the title. But hear me out here, I have very specific reasons for this post.  Regular readers will know that yours truly is a huge Boston sports fan, so naturally I couldn’t have been happier when Zdeno Chara lifted the Stanley Cup approximately 80 feet in the air.

Despite some urging to do an entry on the Vancouver Canucks for their behavior during the Finals and an overwhelming urge to write one about the assholes who bring their children to victory parades (did I mention I attended the parade? Because I definitely flew up for the parade), I held off.  However, the Bruins’ championship has sparked a realization in me: women have it too easy.

Think about this for a moment. I’m sure may of you have seen the pictures of Bruins players celebrating after the win.  The Dallas Mavericks were the same way.  For those less informed, I’ll share a couple below:

Brad Marchand, killing it as usual.

Dirk Nowitzki killing it...ironically.

Tyler Seguin, just...I don't...God DAMN.

These guys are partying as hard as physically possible, and GOOD FOR THEM!  Lets’ take a look at that last picture in particular, though.  Look at the quality of tail that Tyler Sequin is rolling in.  And you know the other Mavs and Bruins players aren’t any different.  Just look at those women.  Tyler Seguin can, for all intents and purposes, have his pick of them.

And therein lies the problem.  Male athletes are hot.  It’s just a fact. They’re sex symbols, and rightly so.  And when men win championships, what do they do?  They go out and get BLASTED.  And what do they do when they get blasted? They have sex with any number of random women.

I know what you’re thinking. “What’s the problem with that?” you ask.  I’ll tell you what the problem is.  There’s no reciprocity!

Think about it.  Realistically, any woman in AMERICA could theoretically fuck an elite athlete and sex symbol just by being in the right place at the right time.  Ladies, you heard me right.  You see those pictures up there?  If you were in that bar, you had a chance to fuck Tyler Seguin.  And that’s just a fact.

But women?  First of all, female athletes are rarely hot.  The best of them typically hover around the Venus and Serena Williams level.  And Williamses, I love you, but you’re not sex symbols.

No matter how hard Sports Illustrated may try.

The second issue lies in the fact that elite female athletes rarely play team sports.  Think about the top female athletes from the past decade. The Williamses? Anna Kournikova?  Annika Sörenstam?  Fuck, I don’t know…Tara Lipinski?   I’m stretching, aren’t I?  The point is, none of them played team sports that would make them run out and celebrate afterwords.  Hell, I wouldn’t be complaining if, after the Olympics, Misty May and whatever her teammate’s name was went out and got hammered and had gold medal sex with a bunch of guys.  But they just don’t.

And the sad fact is that even women who play team sports don’t celebrate this way.  Remember when the US Women’s National Soccer Team won the women’s World Cup?

Trust me, you remember.

If Brandi Chastain went out and fucked the whole stadium after that, that’d be one thing.  But she didn’t.  They celebrated all classy-like.  And Mia Hamm, the hottest, most high profile female athlete of them all, what did she do?  She married Nomar Garciaparra.  Another athlete.  Didn’t fuck him–married him.  Not a regular guy, not a bar rat–another athlete. It’s not right.

And you...fuck you.

We men will just have to accept the fact that, while any bar skank can have an opportunity to fuck a top shelf guy, Natalie Portman will never go on a blowjob spree after winning an Oscar.

It’s a fundamental disparity, and it’s a damn shame.

Another Keith Olbermann Update

20 Jun

We’ve made no secret of the fact that Keith Olbermann is one of the reasons that this blog was founded.  It’s not even that we hate Keith.  We kind of like him, in what I imagine is the same sort of inexplicable way that old people like small dogs that bark nonstop and pee on the carpet.  Keith reminds us that there will never be a shortage of dicks to write about, and, even better, proves time and again that even if we DID run out of dicks, we could always just write a post a day about him.  When Keith was fired from left MSNBC, we gloated a little.  After all, he was our inaugural Dick of the Week.  And even though we have retired the award, Keith’s achievement is still important.  Did we hope he would be gone forever? Maybe. Did we think he would actually disappear? Sadly, no.

Has Keith let unemployment get to him? You be the judge. (Photo courtesy of WEBN-TV)

In any case, Keith’s new show, creatively named “Countdown with Keith Olbermann,” will premier on the Current TV network tonight.  Current TV, you ask?  Despite Keith referring to it as a “start-up” network, this little Al Gore owned station has been around for six years now, and by our estimation is up to perhaps as many as a dozen subscribers!

We were hoping Keith would be off the airwaves for good, but, the way we see it, a show on Current TV might be a fate worse than death.

Of course, the real question remains: if Keith Olbermann rants and no one is tuned in to hear it, does he make a sound?

Get Ready…

8 Jun

A new job and a terrible case of the LSATs have put Dick of the Week on the blocks for a little while.

Expect regular posting to resume soon.

 

 

 

Fuck yeah, we’re back, baby.

 

 

 

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #20: Atheists

17 Mar

Oh no, he’s not really going to go there, is he?

Yes. Yes he is.

I’m sure this is going to spur a lot of angry emails, but you can all fuck off.  Atheists are fucking annoying, and we all know it.

Before we begin, I’m going to drawn an important distinction: I’m not talking about atheists.  Lowercase ‘a’ atheists are just fine.  They choose not to believe in God, and that’s their decision.  I would never criticize someone for the religious or non-religious group to which they choose to belong (unless they’re Scientologists, in which case I hope they get hit by a bus made of cancer).  Despite what you may think, we’re actually fairly tolerant people here at Dick of the Week: we just hate people and groups of people who behave like dicks.  And capital ‘A’ Atheists are among the biggest bunch of cuntflaps I’ve ever met in my life.

What do I mean by Atheists?  I have always called them Evangelical Atheists, because that’s essentially what they are.  We have all met people like this.  If you went to college, chances are there were seventeen of them living on your dorm floor your freshman year.  They’re not hard to spot.  In fact, you don’t even really need to hear them speak to identify them.  They all look and act more or less the same.  My brother came home for Christmas during his first year of college and made an offhand comment about how his roommate was “not a big fan of religion.”

Me: “Really? Are we talking, aggressively anti-religion?”

My brother: “Yeah.”

Me: “And let me guess: he listens to a lot of bands you’ve never heard of.”

My brother: “…yeah?”

Me: “Wears a lot of flanel.”

My brother: “How…? Yeah.”

Me: “Thick rimmed glasses?”

My brother: “Have you met this kid? How the fuck do you know all this?”

Weirdly, that exchange took place before I ever saw this picture. I know it's tongue-in-cheek, but it's...it's shockingly accurate. (via RustyLime)

 

Atheists are basically religious hipsters, but they like to fashion themselves as brave fighters about the oppressive and crushing weight of our religious society.  But religion hasn’t been truly oppressive since the fucking puritans.  I grew up in New England, the WASP capital of the world, and never once did I feel the intense pressure to be religious that Atheists claim.  Fuck man, my church even had a gay pastor for about three years, and everyone in the congregation loved him.  For Atheists to claim that they are “brave rebels” against organized religion’s iron fist is akin to me claiming to be a “brave rebel” against the mole people.  In reality, Atheists are kids who never quite grew out of the need to rebel that most of us felt in high school.  I chose to dye my hair a couple times, Atheists chose to look down on the “sheeple” who “blindly” follow organized religion.

The notion that anyone who follows organized religion does so blindly is a particularly insulting one to me.  They simply are unable to accept the fact that many people like to take some things on faith (actually, I never understood that either, because every time an Atheist spends an hour lecturing me on what a blind fool I am, they are taking it on faith that I’m not going to punch them in the head).  I happen to like the doctrine of Christianity; I’ve been a Protestant since an early age.  Sure, I could leave the Church.  But why?  I may not be a particularly devout Christian, but it is something that has given me comfort during difficult times in my life, and that is certainly worth something to me and others like me.  If believing that there is no God is comforting for atheists (or even Atheists), then I can certainly find no fault with that.  But I would not ask them to alter the support system in their life that works for them.  I wish I could expect similar courtesy in return.

The trouble with Atheists is the fact that they care too much.  They will spend hours and hours lecturing you on the reasons that you should not belong to an organized religion.  Given the chance, they will tell you how reading Richard Dawkins changed their lives, how Christopher Hitchens (who, as a side note, is actually worth reading) is the greatest thinker of our time, and how if you don’t know who they are it’s because your brain has been indoctrinated by years and years of Christian propaganda.

But as I said, they are entitled to their beliefs (or lack thereof).  And them trying to convert others to their way of thinking doesn’t necessarily bother me on the surface.  I’m a republican, and I spend a lot of time trying to convince other people that I’m right.  I think Ke$ha should be eaten by wolves, and I spend a lot of time trying to convince people of that as well.

"I smell...glitter..."

So really, my problem with this “evangelical Atheism,” as I like to call it, is the fact that the very crux of their anti-religious argument almost always involves arrogant Christians trying to force their beliefs on others!

Cue the angry emails, but fuck off, Atheists.  I know you’re going to tell me how “different” it is when you do it, and how Christians (and it’s ALWAYS Christians.  I’ve never heard any Atheists talk about, say, Muslims, who hail from a far more restrictive and demanding religion–you might as well change your name from “Atheist” to “Antichristian,” because it’s much more accurate) indoctrinate you from a young age and corrupt you.  In fact, arguing with an Atheist is often always an exercise in futility, because they will conveniently dismiss any counter-argument as “propaganda” that you have “sadly” been “indoctrinated” with your entire life.  They will sadly shake their heads at your pitiable faith and walk away satisfied in their own superiority.  Having had literally dozens of these conversations (yep, I’m a moron), I can say confidently that it is enough to make you want to violate a few key Commandments.

“We don’t care about religion,” Atheists will say.  “We don’t care.  We’re happy without religion and you could be too.”  Well Atheists, here’s the thing.  Contrary to what you think, you’re actually happy with religion.  And it breaks my heart to have to tell you this.  It becomes, in reality, the defining difference between atheists and Atheists.  The atheists are happy without religion.  It isn’t something that they’ve chosen to make a part of their life, and, as such, they give it no thought outside of how it directly affects them.  The Atheists, on the other hand, have made religion their life.  They have literally defined their entire existence in relation to religion.  They aren’t just people who are not religions: they are people who are anti-religious.  Atheists are to religion as al-Qaeda is to the United States, while atheists are to religion as gophers are to the United States.  Yeah, I just compared Atheists to al-Qaeda, but if you don’t comprehend that it was just a metaphor, you’re ever worse than I thought.

In all honestly, the problem is that Atheists are hypocrites, and aggressive hypocrites at that.  They complain the Christians try to force their values down peoples’ throats, then spend two hours lecturing religious folks about how stupid they are.  They profess to not care about religion, then devote their lives to talking about it.  Many colleges even have atheist support groups.  Atheist support groups?  Why would an atheist need a support group?  A true atheist wouldn’t waste a minute of their time on religion.  In reality, these groups are little more than Atheist circle jerks, where smug, self-satisfied Atheists can congratulate each other on being so much smarter than the rest of the sheep.  Nothing like a little self-congratulation to get you through the day.

In conclusion, Atheists are literally the most annoying people on earth.  They’re like stealth evangelists: at least you can usually see it coming when a religious evangelist comes your way.  Atheists profess to hate those evangelists, and in doing so lull you into a false sense of security.  They’re the smug, hypocritical boa constrictors of faith.  Assured of their own superiority, they blast it in the face of everyone they see.  They’re dicks, plain and simple, and, frankly, I’m surprised it took us this long to get to them.

Thanks, xkcd! This should set the tone for the hate mail.

Hero of the Week: The People of Japan (Retroactive Dick of the Week: The Hurricane Katrina Looters)

15 Mar

This page is all about humor.  We make fun of assholes and idiots, or, sometimes, people who just weren’t thinking very clearly at the time.  The point is, the point of this blog is not to honor GOOD people.  No one would read it if that were the case–mockery sells, praise doesn’t.

The people of Japan deserve massive amounts of praise for their perseverance in the face of extreme adversity, but that alone was not enough to inspire me to write about them.  We all already know that Japan got (I’ll just say it) fucked.  One of the strongest earthquakes ever recorded just off their coast would have been bad enough, but we all know what comes next: tsunamis.  No one was surprised by the devastation wrought by the tsunami, but devastated we all were to see it.  And that might have been it: we might have opened our coffers, sent in the military and the Red Cross, expressed our feelings of solidarity, and been on our merry way.

Ed West, of the UK daily newspaper The Telegraph, however, raises the best point that I have heard yet:

Why is there no looting?

Countless pictures of the devastation have been released.  Dozens of amateur videos have been released chronicling the destruction as it happened.  Stories are appearing by the hundreds of inspirational rescues and miraculous reunions.  Soldiers and civilians work hand in hand to free those trapped beneath the rubble.  It’s a story of solidarity that I, frankly, would never have believed if I weren’t seeing it with my own eyes all over every media outlet.

The Twitterverse exploded in outrage when a few idiots tried to compare the tsunami with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.  And they were right to, as the disasters are not remotely the same.  For instance, the people of Katrina had days and days of warning during which to escape the city whereas the people of Japan had no such hope.  Oh, and then there’s the fact that Japan was prepared for a disaster (which only emphasizes the magnitude of this one) while New Orleans’ local government had allowed its safeguards to degenerate over the course of decades (despite the city residing well below sea level).  I think the point here is that I could have given a flying fuck whether the Saints won the Super Bowl “for New Orleans.” New Orleans is a stupid city.  There, I said it.

Fuck off, Brees.

But there is at least one area in which the people of Japan and the people of New Orleans found themselves in an exceedingly similar position: the opportunity for looting.  New Orleans, homeland of we oh-so-cultured Americans, experienced looting on an apocalyptic level.  Those who stayed behind in the city have been portrayed as innocent victims of a horrible tragedy, and, while many no doubt were, those who took advantage of the opportunity to loot stores and make themselves rich on the backs of others do not deserve the courtesy of simply being forgotten.

I do not know if it is the culture of Japan that has allowed them to remain so united in this, but it certainly doesn’t speak well of the people of New Orleans.  Nor the people of the UK, as West rightly points out, who looted their asses off during the 2007 floods.  Nor does it speak well of the Australians, nor the Chileans, nor the Haitians, nor, as far as I can even remember, the people of any other population who has suffered a major disaster.  Looters, one and all.

So here’s to you, Japan, for managing to not resort to complete barbarism like the rest of us.  I, for one, salute you, and award a retroactive Dick of the Week to the New Orleans looters.

Dick of the Week, Feb. 28 – March 6: Natalie Williamson

10 Mar

After a week and a half of hardcore Charlie Sheen coverage, it is a little refreshing to be able to take a step back and appreciate some of the simpler things.  I always enjoy writing Dick of the Week articles, even more than I enjoy writing Hall of Fame articles.  While the Hall of Fame articles can usually be longer because of the greater depth of material from which to draw, the Dick of the Week allows us to channel the intense reaction that we have to a given dick’s actions quickly, before that passion has the chance to dissipate.  While Dick Hall of Fame articles are more meticulously crafted, I think Dick of the Week ones are where our creativity is really allowed to shine.

With that said, I would like to introduce your most recent Dick of the Week, Natalie Williamson.  This is a prime example of how this blog can take us in directions that we never planned.  Natalie Williamson’s situation is as follows: she boarded a VirginBlue plane with her husband and 17-month-old son.  Her husband and her son may or may not have been playing a “peek-a-boo” type game.  A flight attendant took it upon himself to join in on the game, and placed the child in one of the overhead compartments.  Natalie, shocked, instructed the flight attendant to remove her son from the compartment and return him to her, which he did.  The incident was reported, the flight attendant was fired, and Natalie was given a number of free flights to make up for the unfortunate incident.

Terrifying!

As I said, sometimes this blog will end up going a completely different direction than we thought it would, and this is one of those times.  When I first read about the incident, I prepared myself to write a Dick of the Week entry on the flight attendant.  I mean, honestly.  He put a kid in an overhead bin.  Whether they were playing peek-a-boo or not, that’s just not the best decision–you don’t manhandle toddlers that don’t belong to you.  The flight attendant is clearly and idiot, and we’ll give him the distinction of calling him a dick, as well.

But when you read more about the incident, it quickly becomes apparent that it is Natalie, the mother, who is the real dick in this situation.  She should, frankly, have taken the free flights, thanked the airline for firing the flight attendant (who deserved to be fired), and been on her merry fucking way.

But no.

Natalie Williamson is a Goddamn martyr, and she wants the rest of you to know it.

Buckle your seatbelts, because you can almost smell the multi-million dollar lawsuit coming around the corner here.  Let’s look at a few of the comments that Natalie made to the Sunday Herald Sun about what happened:

“My husband, Shayne, was standing one metre behind my son, Riley, when the air steward picked him up and placed him in the overhead compartment.  I stood up and there were people laughing and then I said ‘Get my son out of there now.'”

First of all, if your name is Shane and you spell it with a ‘y,’ you are an asshole.  Simple as that.  But that’s not the point.  That account sounds reasonable, right?  A pretty matter-of-fact account of what happened.  I would probably fire the flight attendant based on that description alone.  Has she left it at that, the flight attendant would have been our Dick of the Week.  I’m pretty sure that’s where she should have stopped talking.

“I was devastated. I was absolutely devastated.”

“I was crying. My husband was in shock. For days on end I was crying.”

Really.

REALLY.

Look, the flight attendant fucked up.  There’s no arguing that.  Probably enough to even deserve that firing.  But you may have some issues lady.  You were crying for days because your son was put in an overhead compartment?  I mean Jesus, did we miss something?  Did the flight attendant refuse to remove the kid?  Was he in there for an hour or what?

The baby had been reportedly locked in the compartment for 10 seconds.

Oh.

Judgment Cat thinks you're an idiot.

Let me share something with you.  When I was a little kid, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into tight spaces.  Behind the couch, under the bed, in the back of the closet, in kitchen cabinets, it didn’t matter.  If it was a tight space, I wanted to hang out there.  If I could have been put in an overhead compartment as a little kid, that would have been, quite literally, the best day of my life.  I can’t imagine the kid suffered too much.  But Natalie has other ideas!  Another excerpt:

Ms Williamson said Riley, now 20 months, had seen various specialists since the incident after suffering from anxiety and withdrawal.

“He won’t leave my sight now. He sleeps with me. If I’m not in the same room as him, he will scream and yell ‘Mum, mum, mum’,” she said.

Lady, the kid is just pissed off that you didn’t let him stay up there.  And can we take a moment here to appreciate how breathtakingly stupid it is for her to say the kid has been to “several specialists?” Anxiety and withdrawal?  How the hell would you even know if a 17-month-old was suffering from those things?  If anything, you’ve fucked him up more, because now he thinks something is wrong with him.  Sometimes it’s best to just cut your losses.  Yeah, a shitty thing happened to you, and now it’s time to move on.  Your kid doesn’t sleep through the night?  Welcome to motherhood, bitch.  Don’t blame VirginBlue because you’re a shitty parent.

I strongly urge you to consider these next time.

Charlie Sheen Week Wrap-Up

9 Mar

Yes, Charlie Sheen Week has been over for a few days, and we admit that we fell a little behind.  But it is fucking EXHAUSTING keeping up with that man!  To wrap up the week, I thought I’d put together a little timeline of some of the highlights of Charlie’s recent meltdown.

February 24: Charlie’s initial interview on the Alex Jones show.  This is the interview that started the downward spiral.  At first, I was going to urge you all once again to listen to it in its entirety.  But having again done so myself, this interview, which was the craziest thing I had ever heard at the time, is now completely dwarfed by the immensity of craziness and dickishness that Charlie has since thrown at us.

February 28: Charlie begins his media blitz, appearing on The Today Show.  It’s more of the same from his Alex Jones interview, where he once again expresses his profound hatred for his bosses and brags about his “bitchin'” life.  It is from this interview that the “Adonis DNA” and “Tiger Blood” quotes that have become such an integral part of our national consciousness originated.

February 28: Following his appearance on The Today Show, Charlie’s longtime publicist abruptly resigns.

February 28: Alex Jones appears on The View to defend Charlie Sheen, and proceeds to make a complete ass of himself.  I know Charlie doesn’t have the best judgment in the world, but I have to think that even Charlie probably wanted Alex Jones to calm the fuck down after watching this clip.  This “9/11 Truther” asshole can’t talk about anything other than himself and his fucking insane conspiracy theories.  I think if I sat too close to Alex Jones, I might become mentally handicapped.  In fact, I think just typing about Alex Jones has rendered me half retarded.  If you think Alex Jones is anything less than a complete lunatic, stop reading this blog right now.  Just stop.  I hate you.  I hate you with the fire of a million of Charlie Sheen’s flaming fists.  Kill yourself.

February 28: Ahem, moving on.  Charlie experiments with his first live stream, spending nearly an hour talking to TMZ “reporter” Mike Walters from the backyard of his home.  More hilarity ensues (which we were kind enough to live-blog).

February 28: Concluding a busy day of public appearances, Charlie stops by Piers Morgan Tonight. Actually, this was probably the most lucid of his interviews, so we’re hesitant to make too much fun of it.  Except, wait…“Then I start hearing stories about they’re going to hire John Stamos,” he said. “You guys do that, you deserve everything that happens later.” I do believe Charlie Sheen just dissed John Stamos.  You, sir, are back out of our good graces.

March 1: Charlie Sheen joins Twitter (@CharlieSheen, follow it right now).  Not surprisingly, he set a world record by topping a million followers in just over 24 hours (he has since added more than a million additional followers).

March 1: Charlie’s now-infamous 20/20 interview premiers.  Charlie issues more rambling diatribes and announces that he IS on a drug: “it’s called–CHARLIE SHEEN!”

March 1: Brook Mueller, Charlie’s ex-wife, successfully has Charlie’s custody of their children taken away.  Charlie goes into something of a minor tailspin, and quotes like “I don’t know where my kids are right now” begin to surface.

March 5: The debut of “Sheen’s Korner,” Charlie’s latest live stream adventure.  Charlie essentially rambled for more than 45 minutes, making little (and often no) sense.  Many media outlets tore into Sheen for the webcast, which the New York Post called “pointless” and “sad,” though the article also featured this image:

We'll call it a draw.

March 6: Time reveals that Charlie joined Twitter essentially to make money.  Charlie signs with the advertising firm Ad.ly, an agency that reported pays Kim Kardashian (for instance) upwards of $10,000 per tweet.  Are we holding it against him?  How could we? Look at that picture. There’s a fucking foot-high dollar sign on his shirt.  I don’t think he’s deceived us.

March 6: Sheen’s Korner, Episode 2 premiers.  Stripped of the trappings of the previous installment, this episode simply featured Charlie recording a lengthy phone call with a friend, during which he made, again, absolutely no sense at all.  Charlie announces that he feels no pain because “pain is a myth.”  Oh, did we mention that he appears to have aged roughly 700 years in the last two weeks?

March 7: Charlie is officially fired by Warner Bros.  Was anyone really surprised?  For a little while, we believed that Charlie would come back to the show, which would (without a doubt) get higher ratings than any show in the history of time for the week or two following his return.  Hell, we even entertained the notion that CBS might have planned the whole thing.  But after a while, it became clear that Charlie is…well…not well. We almost feel bad laughing at him at this point.  Almost.

March 7: Charlie wants an intern.  Yep, Charlie sheen announces that #TeamSheen wants to hire an intern with #TigerBlood who can #PlanBetter than anyone for the summer of 2011.  Fuck, man.  We’re both employed, but the thought of getting to have unlimited free sex with porn stars at Charlie Sheen’s private villa is enough to make us drop anything.

March 7: Sheen’s Korner, Episode 3 runs.  Neon Tommy characterized the display as “rang[ing] from bombastic to alarming to deeply depressing,” which seems pretty much par for the Charlie Sheen course.

March 8: A.J. Daulerio, one of our personal heroes here at Dick of the Week, publishes Charlie’s phone number.  Frankly, it’s a bit of a dick move on A.J.’s part.  In fact, we would feel bad about this, but one Jezebel reporter called him pretending to be interested in auditioning to be one of his “Goddesses,” and immediately received a callback and request for a photo.  So, Charlie clearly didn’t care all that much as long as it meant hot girls were calling him.  And really, it’s things like that that pull Charlie from the realm of “pitiable character” and back into the category of “colossal dick” where he belongs.

So you see, it’s difficult to keep up with this fellow, but at least our coverage ends with him squarely back in the Dick Hall of Fame where he belongs.  And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Best Charlie Sheen Meme Yet

3 Mar

Emilio Estevez Is Slightly Less Gnarly Than Charlie Sheen (via Filmdrunk)

Does not get better than that.

Okay, one more.

Charlie Sheen vs. The Internet

2 Mar

Unless you live under a rock, you are probably aware of the media blitz that Charlie Sheen has been on for the past week or so.  Starting with his rant on Alex Jones’ show, followed by his strongly worded letter to CBS, moving on to his interviews with ABC News, Piers Morgan, and others, further expanding his media empire with a TMZ live feed, and recently culminating with his exciting addition to Twitter (@CharlieSheen, follow it RIGHT NOW), it has been an exciting Charlie Sheen Week for us.  Really, we couldn’t have asked for more (unless Charlie had hijacked the final launch of the space shuttle Discovery and taken it for a joyride–although, if that had happened, we would have just had to end the blog, because, really, where do you go from there?).

But in any case, in honor of Charlie Sheen Week, I thought I would share a few of our favorite internet sites, features, and memes to crop up as a direct result of Charlie Sheen’s festival of crazy.

Enjoy.

I Can Haz Rehab: Cats Quote Charlie Sheen

There's a cat for every occasion, we always say.

The Washington Post’s Charlie Sheen Quote Randomizer

This is like a sober acid trip.
— Sheen on winning best actor in a comedy series at the Golden Globes. Jan. 21, 2002
Vanity Fair’s Quote Quiz: Who Said It, Charlie Sheen or Muammar Qaddafi?

2. “…maybe they should let their women and their daughters go out.”
3. “We won’t lose victory from these greasy rats and cats…”
4. “Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words—imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

The “Leaked” Two and a Half Men Finale

The Sheen Family Circus (my personal favorite)

Far and away funnier than the real Family Circus. How is that even still a thing?

The Charlie Sheen Disembodied Head Quote Randomizer

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen."

Jimmy Kimmel’s Charlie Brown and Charlie Sheen Video

Charlie Sheen Quotes as New Yorker Cartoons (continuing the tradition of turning unfunny things into hilarious things)

GODDAMMIT NEW YORKER, YOU ARE PAINFULLY UNFUNNY

Urlesque’s Clean Charlie Sheen Meme

Teehee.

Clearly everyone else on the internet has been enjoying this wild ride as much as we have.  Keep checking Dick of the Week for posts–we’ll have some original content up later today, but this should keep you occupied for a little while.

[clicks quote randomizer again]

[giggles]

UPDATE: An awesome new one has been brought to my attention.

Charlie Sheen vs. Ultimate Warrior Quote Quiz

WINNING!