Dick Hall of Fame, Entry # 19: Ludwig Roselius

This is a very important entry for me.  It involves an issue very near and dear to my heart because my discovery of this substance at the age of six made me the man I am today (and helped me get through school).  This issue does not involve the fact that Mr. Roselius had a slightly positive opinion of National Socialism during the Third Reich (he may or may not have had a falling out with Hitler before his death).  We are not here to discuss any sympathies for unforgivable crimes that Mr. Roselius may or may not have had.  We are not here to debate the consequences of living in Germany and whether or not you could move against the hive mind that was created in the state.  And we are not going to debate whether or not his name makes him sound like a 12th century composer.  We are going to chastise this deceased individual for the creation that defines his legacy. DECAF COFFEE.

No one smiled in the 1920’s

Ludwig Roselius is the German inventor who created a process to remove the caffeine by superheating the green coffee beans with steam and then flooding them with the solvent benzol, a process he patented in 1906.  He did it because apparently he believed his father died from caffeine.  You son of a bitch.  To clarify with more source material: Ludwig is credited with the development of commercial decaffeination of coffee.  This may in fact be one of the most useless inventions since the creation of non-alcoholic beer or those jackets people put on pets.

If it can't survive with the fur it has, God didn't want it to live

Seriously people, coffee serves a purpose: keeps you awake.  Like beer it was supposed to be a singular function.  If you can’t stand the taste, you can’t drink it.  But, since people can’t let things just be, they created Smirnoff Ices and Starbucks.  And let me be clear, coffee tastes terrible.  It’s bitter, chalky and is barely palatable when you mix in cream or sugar.  So, why would this German inventor decide to take out the singular benefit of this brown elixir?  Shaddenfreude?  Why would anyone want such a product?  The only people whom this product could possibly cater to are old people, pregnant women, and people who have medical conditions that don’t allow them to drink coffee.  Ok.  That’s a rather small demographic.  I can’t imagine people missing the bitter morning ritual of pouring this steaming liquid down your gullet.  This is why smokers smoke.  When they quit they start drinking coffee until they give that up to start smoking again.  It’s cyclical  It’s called having variety in your life.

While I think I have made my point in this short space, I feel I should drive it home by pointing out the many health benefits of coffee.  Coffee has been known to reduce certain cancers, heart rhythm problems, strokes, diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, and dementia.  And while there may be no solid proof that its the caffeine that causes these things, we ask why you wouldn’t take the safe route?  It’s like letting your cousin fix your brakes instead of a mechanic.  You pay more for the security of knowing the job was done right.  And given the alternatives, I think I speak for everyone here at Dick of the Week when I say, “I’ll hang out with the constipated people with brown teeth who yell at each other about their headaches at 4am.”  There, I think I go the bulk of the negatives out.

All of this ranting about decaf coffee who be unnecessary if this man hadn’t bothered to invent it.  And, I know, if it wasn’t him it would have been someone else.  Well I don’t give two shits about that.  He’s still the guy who invented it and if it wasn’t him, I would be writing about some other dick.  The point is, this is a substance that really has helped a lot of people get through tough patches of their lives when sleeping was not a luxury.  You gotta do what you gotta do, and it’s crazy to try to trivialize the importance of something that is so important.  If we didn’t have coffee, night watchmen might not stay awake, crab fisherman couldn’t get through the rough times, and we probably wouldn’t have as many lawyers (which actually might not be the worst thing in the world, but I digress).  Also, we have made the point before that people need to be responsible for how they use certain products, but pulling the old switcharoo won’t work in this situation.  But at least this can’t get any worse.

Wow, just when you thought it couldn't get worse.

Ok, I can kind of accept someone saying they love the smell of coffee and are stuck on the ritual of making it every morning, but if you’re going to try to drink instant decaf…just buy a diet Coke.  Seriously.  Instant coffee is even worse in taste and is really just there when you need something quick to drink.  I’m still not sure why Starbucks thinks you’ll pay 1$ a pouch for their decaf instant coffee.  Actually, I’m kind of glad that this guy lost rights to his brand of instant coffee after WWI.  So, there you have it, this German inventor who may have had Nazi sympathies is your new Hall of Famer for inventing the useless product: Decaf Coffee.

Charlie Sheen Week Kick-Off (Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #18)

This is an exciting time for us at Dick of the Week.  We make no secret of the fact that Mel Gibson is our hero.  Every story that has come out about Mel Gibson is the greatest story every told.  In the summer of 2010, when recordings of Mel Gibson’s insane phone calls with his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva were leaked, we had an absolute field day listening to them.  They became instant Dick of the Week classics.  We made ringtones of them.  A good 50% of the words we said became Gibson quotes.  In short, it was a revolution of sorts, because Mel Gibson had set a new standard for Dickishness in the world.  We told ourselves that if Gibson ever came before a public trial, we would host a Mel Gibson Week.

Well, Mel has yet to be publicly strung up, and Mel Gibson Week has been put on hold.  We were disappointed.

Then, Charlie Sheen happened.

Thank you, Charlie. Thank you.

We’ve always known that Charlie Sheen is crazy.  That really isn’t the issue here.  His history with drugs, porn stars, and other poor life choices is well documented, and as the week progresses we will walk you through a blow-by-blow history of Charlie Sheen’s lifetime of debauchery.  So without further ado, I would like to take this opportunity to announce the commencement of Charlie Sheen Week.

We’ll save the walkthrough for later in the week, because right now I want to direct your attention to the events of the past few days, in which Charlie provided us with enough material for a lifetime of Dick of the Week articles.  Let’s start with this past Thursday, when Sheen made an appearance on Alex Jones‘ radio show.  Production had been halted on Sheen’s television show, Two and a Half Men, because of Sheen’s recent hospitalization following a 36-hour cocaine and sex bender.  Sheen insisted that he was ready to return to work, but the show’s producers declined to invite him back to filming until they were satisfied that he was not going to continue to cause problems.  Unfortunately, Sheen was not okay with this.  Rather than simply accept that the production stoppage was due to the mistakes that he had made, Charlie took to the media to plead his case.

Alex Jones, of course, is a well known radical right-wing radio host.  An avowed 9/11 conspiracy theorist, Jones is clearly a massive dick in his own right.  But even Jones is simply along for the ride when Sheen begins his rant.  The fifteen minute rant makes Mel Gibson look positively sane.  I recommend listening to Sheen’s rant from beginning to end.  I have attached the file below:

Seriously, I’m begging you. Listen to the whole thing.

Because I know that not everyone will have time to listen to it, I will share some of the best quotes below.  Yeah.  There are a LOT.

“Let me just say this about the goddesses. I don’t think the term is good enough. But when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions you must use the best choice available.  So if you think about it dude, I’m oh-for-three with marriage with nary an excuse. Like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn’t lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the heart—of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract I will leave to the amateurs and the bible-grippers.”

“Where there were four, there are now three. Good-bye, Brooke, and good luck in your travels; you’re going to need it. Badly … She’s not there now and we are and I don’t know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn’t make the rules. Oops.””

“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time – and this includes naps – I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”

“My motto now is you must either love or you hate. And you must do so violently. And you have to hate everybody who is not in your family because they will destroy your family, and they will come at you in all forms and shapes. And therefore there’s nothing in the middle. Don’t live in the middle because that’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen. And within that is tremendous focus and tremendous clarity and tremendous peace because you have absolute and total resolve about your decisions.  If you love with violence and hate with violence there is nothing that can be questioned. And people say ‘oh, you’ve got to work through your resentment. Yeah, no. I’m going to hang onto them and they’re going to fuel my attack. And they’re going to fuel the battle cry of my secret and silent soldiers. Because they’re all around you. Anyway, you thought you were just messing with one dude? Sorry: Winning!”

Pictured: Winning.

“I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”

“I think it was Nails that said, and I was really flattered that he got it right, he might be Nails, but I’m bayonets. I’m battle tested bayonets.”

“I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’”

“I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself… It’s the work of sissies. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent.”

“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and just winning every second, and I’m not just perfect and bitching and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn.”

I’m sorry, that was rather lengthy.  And it’s really just the tip of the iceberg–please, I again urge you to listen to the rant in its entirety.  As you can see, Sheen has a little bit of pent up anger against his producer, Chuck Lorre.  Why Sheen hates Lorre so much is never quite clear, but one can assume it probably has something to do with Lorre disapproving of Sheen’s lifestyle and the fact that Sheen has presumably made his life hell for much of the past 8 years.

Before moving on, Charlie also called into Pat O’Brien’s radio show.  He said many of the same things that I’ve already covered above, but it was on O’Brien’s show that he shared perhaps my favorite quote of the whole tirade:

“I put a billion dollars in the studio’s pockets and I put half a billion dollars in Chuck’s pocket. I should of been walking in to massages and hand jobs. Yeah, I said it!”

Sheen’s overestimation of his own self-worth aside, wow.  I will give Charlie Sheen this much: any place that lists massages and hand jobs as a benefit is a place that I want to work.

Come to think of it, isn’t Two and a Half Men about two immature men raising a kid?  Doesn’t that mean there’s a kid on the set?  It’s not like Sheen’s behavior has come out of nowhere.  Sure, that kid is a little older now, but doesn’t that mean that at one point a young, impressionable child was allowed to spend hours in Charlie Sheen’s presence every single day?  Even as it is, the kid is only 17.  Poor form all around, I have to say.

No, I'm sure he'll be fine though.

Following Sheen’s radio rant, CBS halted production on Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season.  Since Sheen is paid by the episode, this essentially ensured that CBS would not have to pay him any more until they could be satisfied that his life was in order, and resume filming.  Unfortunately, it also means that the remainder of the Two and a Half Men cast and crew will not be working (or getting paid) for the remainder of the season.  Thanks, Charlie.  Because he couldn’t keep his fucking mouth shut, good, hard-working people will now struggle to make ends meet this year.  Do you think Assistant Key Grip #2 really cares about how awesome Charlie Sheen thinks it is to have sex with porn stars?  Sheen’s rant itself is, in reality, less dickish than the consequences that it had on others.

When Sheen was informed that he would not be working for the remainder of the season, what did he do?  Did he issue an apology?  Did he step back for a second for some healthy self-examination?  Perhaps he began to recognize the destructive effect that his actions were beginning to have on his career and those of his colleagues?  No.  Because it worked so well the first time, Charlie instead chose to turn to his WORDS again!  He issued a strongly worded open letter to his producers (really, just to Lorre) which contained even more gems.  Let’s take a look, shall we?

“What does this say about Chaim Levine [anti-Semitic term referring to Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me.  I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows. I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth.”

“I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon.”

“Clearly, I have defeated this earthworm with my words; imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.”

Actually, the fire-breathing fists part intrigues me.  If Charlie Sheen’s fists really do breathe fire, I take back everything negative that I said about him, because that would be fucking awesome.  Evolutionarily questionable, but awesome nonetheless.

And what has Charlie done since?  Well, several things.  He invited a journalist to his house to watch him pee in a cup and take a drug test.  Which, I should note, he passed.  Which you would think would be a good thing, but I honestly just find concerning.  If you listened to Sheen’s rant, you know he sounded strung out on something.  If he WASN’T on any drugs, then that implies that that is Sheen’s actual sober personality, which I consider to be a far more frightening prospect.  I don’t want to call Charlie Sheen insane, but when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions…

"Now watch me pee, so you know it's legit. I SAID WATCH ME PEE."

He also talked to TMZ, where he strung further insults at Chuck Lorre:

“I violently hate Chaim Levine. He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a … punk that I’d never want to be like.”

“That piece of shit [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family’s pocket and most importantly, my second family–my crew’s–pocket.”

Yes, Charlie.  Your crew is your “second family.”  Would this be the same crew that you left out of work simply because you refused to properly rehab and end your feud with your producers?  I suppose that’s fair.  I think most people would agree that petty grievances between multi-millionaires are more important than family.

As it stands, Sheen’s rant has been classified as “career-killing,” but, as he has yet to be fired, we’ll wait and see.  Sheen told RadarOnline that he wants to leave the show and that he has been in talks to host a show on HBO called Sheen’s Corner, which would pay him $5 million per episode.  Which would be great for Charlie, if it was true.  Which it is not.  At all.  Why anyone would believe that HBO would want anyone to do with the most self-destructive man in America (sorry Mel, the torch has been passed) remains unclear, but honestly: if Sheen already thinks he’s king of the world making $1.2 million an episode on CBS, why in the WORLD would HBO stroke his ego even more?  I may not know much, but I know that’s a recipe for creating a monster.

Anyway, Sheen capped off a busy few days by filming a 20/20 episode for ABC, in which Charlie clears things up for all of us:

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Indeed, Charlie.  Indeed.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #17/Everyday Dicks: The Condescending Vegetarian

Well I feel like this hybrid post requires some explaining to all of you.  See the two of us had been talking about a few things; mostly that we just hated judgmental vegetarians, how much we LOVED meat, and how I have been quite lazy and owe our loyal viewers another post or two.  Am I being a little lazy combining two posts I normally do?  Oddly not.  For you see, we had discussed how to bring this topic to the front, but we weren’t sure how to classify it.  I think we all know an irritating vegetarian as much as we have heard of a celebrity or two who just loves to report about how terrible it is to eat meat.  So, I didn’t think I could keep this to a short post, and I didn’t want to lose the Everyday Dick aspect of this.  Spoiler: I am sitting here drinking whiskey next to a slab of bacon just like any Red Blooded American. So, I think we really need to set this topic up with some clarifications.

First, I have to clarify that I have no problem with people who are vegetarians.  Honestly, I don’t care what you eat, it doesn’t bother me.  It’s like my opinion of gay people: do I care if men have sex with men?  No, just don’t do it in front of me.  I don’t want to see some 75-year old politician having sex anymore than I want to see gays having sex.  I think this is one of the main topics of this blog; we don’t care what you do with your life, we just care if you insist on shoving it in our faces.  So, to the point, we don’t care that people are vegetarians (for the most part) What we do care about… people who like to make carnivores feel guilty.  You all know this person, you don’t see someone (College, Job, Etc.) for a while or someone moves away and they come back to inform you, “Oh, I decided to become a vegetarian, and stopped eating all meat.”  Fine, something going on in your life that you decided to inform me of, but they just can’t help themselves.

“I just stopped eating meat, I realized it was murder.”

“Can you believe that people still eat meat, no one I know does that anymore.”

“I don’t understand how anyone can eat meat.”

Ok, that’s enough.  It’s nice that you have made a change to your life that you see as positive, but thank you for laboring under the assumption that I have done the same.  Guess what, I haven’t.  And I have no plan to do so.  Because you found some new age religion, met a girlfriend who made you do this, or did this because you thought it was cool, I have decided to stop giving you the benefit of the doubt.  Now you get to know what I think.

I am going to shamelessly plug Epic Meal Time right here.  It is out of context, but I think they have some of the coolest videos I have ever seen.

Speaks for itself.

Moving on, meat is awesome.  I love bacon.  Bacon is one of the greatest gifts man has received.  And there are some interesting things that you will hear from these vegetarians (besides them calling you murders for you actions).  Because they don’t eat meat, they will freak out if they don’t get enough protein because they cannot get what they need from vegetables.  My favorite example of this was a friend who kept a jar of peanut butter next to his bed because he loved peanut butter.  Which was funny and gross until he became allergic to peanuts.  Meat is part of a basic diet, so you need to compensate for taking it out.  As humans, we climbed to the top of the food chain for a reason.

Nature

I don’t think there is anything wrong with eating meat, I just don’t want to have to think about my diet in terms of math.  I don’t want to think about the plant that is going to give me enough protein to survive a simple day of work.  Most people choose to eat meat because it tastes good and it’s easy.  And I will remind you vegetarians that the one thing that you CAN’T replicate with tofu is bacon.  Bacon may be the silver bullet to bring you to our side, I don’t see vegetables doing that to us carnivores.

But what do the celebrities think?  What do the people think?  Adam Richmond is the star of a food show called Man v. Food where he consumes copious amounts of fat laden food..especially piles of meat.  This show has become such a niche classic I’m tempted to call it the Crocodile Hunter of this decade (RIP Steve Irwin).

Ironic death: Starvation

Celebrities, as we have pointed out, have unique opportunities to garner public attention and raise awareness of issues.  Fair enough, we simply don’t have the microphone that these people do.  But its when they make videos that our vegetarian friends like to inform us of such as this.  This is a deeply graphic and disturbing video that most people would not like to see.  It is footage of meat plants and how animals are treated when they are slaughtered.  Again back to our original point, we derive no pleasure from the slaughter of these animals, it is simply our food source and we enjoy it for a number of reasons.  Do you think this is funny, does this amuse you showing people what happens to animals because you think it will change us?  I agree that these animals should be treated more humanely but there are 300 million people to feed in this country and these ranchers don’t always have the time and space to treat these animals as humanely as we would like.  And I’m not sure how animals would react to the choice of a painful death or pleasant death.  They would probably just say, “You’re going to do WHAT to me?!?!”  Ok, you want to play this game? Let’s play.

There are over 300 million people in this country and over 7 billion people in the world, how do you expect to feed them all? With 1.6 billion people living in poverty and over 16,000 kids starving to death every year, I don’t think these people have the time to be picky eaters.   At the end of the day it costs a lot more to be a vegetarian.  Salads are more expensive than those dollar cheeseburgers McDonald’s likes to sell.  And, as we have said, most people don’t have the time and energy to go and buy vegetables to engineer their diets (or they just can’t afford it).  So maybe you should think about it next time you try to tell someone they are a terrible person for eating meat. Oh god, seriously don’t click on that link, I’m not sure what it is but I wasn’t going to stick around long enough to find out.

Am I defending carnivores? Yes, as long as it takes for these overzealous vegetarians to chill out.  I just think that most people want to live their lives, and there are more factors in their life than whether or not they eat vegetables.  Now to show that there are no hurt feelings…for the vegetarians.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #16: Mikhail Prokhorov

In an attempt to include all of the sports, I would like to present you with a massive dick from the land of professional basketball.  Now, are most basketball players ego driven and selfish ergo “dicks” to begin with?  Yeah, kinda.  Will I be overly disappointed if the NBA locks out because the players want more money when the owners are, in fact, losing large amounts of money?  Probably won’t lose sleep over it  But this entry brings a lot more to the table.  Specifically money.  He is not a man like the rest of the mortals.  He is the one thing more powerful than Superman AND Wolverine…combined.  He is…a Russian Billionaire.

Because owners of New Jersey Franchises get to meet with the Mayor of New York all the time.

Yes, the New Jersey Nets were purchased by a Russian billionaire who seems hell-bent on making them a force in the NBA.  Fair enough.  This is the natural progression of global commerce and a free market.  The interesting side of this story began not THAT the Nets were sold, but the awesome stories surrounding the new owner.  To be fair, I’m not sure how you begin to build a global brand from New Jersey to Brooklyn to Moscow.  Mikhail Prokhorov has assumed great personal wealth to the tune of $9.5 Billion or $13.4 billion (I’m not going to quibble over billions) at 6’8”, he is an avid athlete who loves competition as much as the next man.

This one really hasn’t sunk in yet, but fear not!  This is not the story, this is merely background information to set up the grandiose person who lurks beneath this drab/seemingly stereotypically stoic appearance.  While this man has billions of dollars he has also lost 10 billion dollars and doesn’t care if you read his magazine (which may not have the most “legitimate” finances).  How much money can you have that you don’t care about losing money on one of your assets?  What kind of life do you lead?

Sure, every rich person tries to do this

Well he has also been known all over for his daredevil stunts including jet skiing, not to mention the fact that he has played basketball and is an avid workout nut. He is also considered to be controversial by a Nets web site. Models, financial questions, and a notably extremist mentality when dealing with people and business. I think we have something to work with.  Oh and there was a little issue where he was throwing parties where he was buying prostitutes for people.  He has done the amazing magic act of making the Nets appear legitimate. Though he did have to eat about 100 million dollars in debt from the team (which kinda shows how fragile the NBA is, but I digress).  Let’s go with one of the biggest dick moves anyone has EVER pulled.

A middle finger would have been cheaper and more direct

This is a copy of a GIANT billboard that Prokhorov and his business partner Jay-Z put up in the Knicks backyard.  When I say backyard, I mean they put it in New York City.  When I say they put it in New York City, I mean they possibly put it in Manhattan.  When I say they put it in Manhattan, I mean the put the thing RIGHT THE FUCK ACROSS THE STREET FROM MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.  A 225’x95′ mural right across the street from your local rival.  I gotta say I respect the audacity but wow are you a dick.  The Nets, who have a minimal history mired by losing, had the balls to buy a mural mocking the Knicks.  That would be like the Pittsburgh Pirates coming to town to mock the Yankees.  Normal people just don’t try things like this.  Humility is not a word you will find in this article.  And he has changed the game in pursuing free agents (because why the hell not).

Remember the incessant Lebron decision?  Yeah that was a dick move too.  But he also got the Nets in the running for Lebron based on making him a global icon and a billionaire.  Lebron, who famously said he wanted to win now, was tempted to go to a team that got the 3rd overall pick and was in danger of setting a record for the most losses to begin a season.  Why would he want to go there?  Because when a guy says I’m going to make you a billion dollars, you listen.  If you’re a free agent, you can be sure that you’ll get the opportunity to sit and have a vodka with this guy.

And, with a current example, Carmelo Anthony was also being courted by the Nets.  Again, we ask why he would want to go there  But, I see something deeper in this based on what the Nets were offering for Carmelo.  As we know, Carmelo wanted and got to go to the Knicks.  But look to what the Nets offered.  4 first round picks and 2 players that WERE first round picks.  Think about this for two seconds, a team in line for a lottery pick trading 4 of its next picks and 2 of it’s decent players just for one player (basically).  That doesn’t look like a situation for winning basketball, but what it does look like is a guy upping the ante just to screw over his rival team.  Did the Knicks give up too much? Maybe, but they sure as hell were not going to get a steal on this one.

While it’s not for us to say anything about how this man may make his finances or the legitimacy of his businesses, we do know he is an all-time dick when it comes to how he runs his team.  And we love it. I see no signs of the relentless taunting coming to an end with the Nets moving to Brooklyn.  Hey, I guess you’re allowed to talk back when your rival has made such brilliant business moves.  What is it about New York sports franchises and creative business moves (see Carl Pavano, Alexei Yashin, Rick DiPietro, I should stop).  See, we went an entire post without saying anything stereotypical about rich, successful Russians.

I couldn't help myself.

Hey, at least I didn’t call them the Nyets.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #15: Michael Moore

Anyone who has watched the news in the past 10 years probably already knows that Michael Moore is a dick.  Moore is a “documentary” director who spends his time exposing the evils of the Republican party.  And while some might consider this a service (there are certainly plenty of Republican hypocrisies worth exposing), it is the manner in which Mr. Moore goes about producing these exposés that ruffles a few feathers, including ours.  To tell you the truth, it’s mostly about the facts…namely, the lack of them in Moore’s movies.

As I said, it’s not as though there is a shortage of problems with the GOP.  As a Republican myself, I am well aware of the myriad issues plaguing my party’s policies.  And it would not be difficult for someone to make an engaging and informative documentary exposing any number of those issues.  Instead, however, Mr. Moore has chosen to take a route more akin to sensationalism.  Rather than allowing facts to get in the way of a good movie, Moore has embellished, misrepresented, straight-up lied about a fantastic number of things in each of his movies.

Come on Uncouth, what does Peter Griffin have to do with anything?

Let’s take a look at a few of his movies, shall we?  We can start with Roger and Me, Moore’s first documentary.  Moore fans will often admit that he has misrepresented facts in some of his other movies, but will almost always fall back on Roger and Me as an example of an honest and effective documentary.  Roger and Me does succeed in some ways.  The film is designed to document that effect that the closing of a General Motors plant had on Moore’s hometown of Flint, Michigan.  Certainly an interesting topic, but Moore paints General Motors to be an evil, faceless corporation whose CEO (the title “Roger”) refuses to meet with him and doesn’t care at all about the damage that he has caused Flint.

Here’s the thing.  That’s what makes him a good businessman.  It sucks that closing a plant has negative repercussions on people living in that town, but if businessmen were paralyzed by not wanting to cause anyone harm, they would never make any money.  If I’m an investor in GM, I want to know full well that my CEO is going to make the decision that is best for the company, not the decision that is best for the people of some podunk town that I could care less about.  I. Do not care. About Flint, Michigan.  And by the way, that’s no reflection on Flint.  I’m sure it’s a very nice town.  It just so happens that I do not live in that town, and therefore what happens to it is of absolutely no consequence to me.

Of course, Moore also blatantly misrepresents what has happened to the town.  Pauline Kael offers some insight in her review; here are a couple of excerpts:

“[T]he eleven plant closings announced in 1986 were in four states; the thirty thousand jobs were lost in Flint over a period of a dozen years; and the tourist attractions were constructed and failed well before the 1986 shutdowns that they are said to be a response to.”

“We’re told that Ronald Reagan visited the devastated city, and we hear about what we assume is the President’s response to the crisis. He had a pizza with twelve unemployed workers and advised them to move to Texas; we’re told that during lunch the cash register was lifted from the pizza parlor. That’s good for a few more laughs. But Reagan visited the city in 1980, when he wasn’t yet President–he was a candidate. And the cash register had been taken two days earlier.”

But the movie that made Moore famous was Bowling for Columbine, a movie about gun culture in America.  I have to admit, there were a few parts of Bowling that even I enjoyed.  In particular, there is one scene, designed to demonstrate how easy it is to conceal a weapon, in which an individual in baggy jeans and a sweatshirt pulls literally dozens of guns, including a full-sized shotgun(!), out of his clothes.  That said, the movie is also filled with lies.

For one thing, there wasn't a minute of bowling in the whole movie.

Moore uses a variety of tricks, including splicing together different election ads to discredit Republicans, demonizing the NRA’s response to the Columbine shootings (despite the group’s largely sympathetic response), including splicing together different Charlton Heston speeches to make it appear as though he was callously dismissive of the tragedy.  Moore even attacked the NRA’s response to a different shooting in Michigan by making it appear that the group had rushed to town to hold a pro-gun rally, when in fact Heston happened to be in Michigan for a get out the vote rally at the same time as George W. Bush, Al Gore, Lee Iacocca, and other prominent political figures.  Far from the pro-school-shooting stance that Moore would have his viewers believe the NRA takes.  Moore even attempts to imply that the NRA was founded by the members of the disbanded KKK, and that its mission is parallel to the former Klan.  Extreme, even by Moore’s standards.  He takes great pains to make Heston and the other NRA members appear to be racist, a favorite tactic of liberal extremists everywhere.  The claims are blatant nonsense, which can plainly be seen in this study.

But perhaps Moore’s most controversial work would be Fahrenheit 9/11, a film about the September 11th tragedy which borders on accusing the United States government of being complicit in the attacks.  Essentially, Moore explores the theme of how the US government took advantage of the attacks to build support for an unrelated war in Iraq.  The response to the movie was mass outrage.  It’s not that the administration didn’t use 9/11 to justify many things–it’s that Moore continued to stretch the truth far beyond its limits.  Filmmakers have created movies solely focused on the lies in Fahrenheit 9/11.  Books have been written about it.  Vast numbers of websites have been created to expose those lies.  My personal favorite writer, Christopher Hitchens, was one of the first to react.

"And if you look closely, you can see President Bush driving Hurricane Katrina, too."

We’ll take a look at a couple misrepresentations from Fahrenheit 9/11, just to get a taste.  This excerpt comes from this Free Republic article:

National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice is depicted in the movie telling a reporter, “Oh, indeed there is a tie between Iraq and what happened on 9/11.”

The actual full quote?

“Oh, indeed there is a tie between Iraq and what happened on 9/11. It’s not that Saddam Hussein was somehow himself and his regime involved in 9/11. But if you think about what caused 9/11, it is the rise of ideologies of hatred that led people to drive airplanes into buildings in New York.”

Well…that’s certainly less…you know…wrong.  How about another?

Not revealing relevant facts is dishonest enough. But to paint the Bush Administration as sympathetic and friendly to the Taliban prior to September 11, is not only dishonest, but maliciously so. ü Moore shows film of a March 2001 visit to the United States by a Taliban delegation, claiming that the Administration “welcomed” the Taliban official, Sayed Hashemi, “to tour the United States to help improve the image of the Taliban.” But the Administration did not welcome the Taliban with open arms. In fact, the State Department rejected the Taliban’s claim that it had complied with U.S. requests to isolate bin Laden. To demonstrate even further the Administration’s contempt for the Taliban and its illegitimacy, State Department spokesman Richard Boucher – on the day of the terrorist regime’s visit – said, “We don’t recognize any government in Afghanistan.”

…huh.

Even readily available figures are exaggerated for effect in Fahrenheit 9/11. The claims have a basis in reality, making them believable, but are false nonetheless. ü In the film, Moore asks Craig Unger, author of House of Bush, House of Saud, “How much money do the Saudis have invested in America, roughly?” to which Unger responds, “Uh, I’ve heard figures as high as $860 billion.”  The Institute for Research: Middle Eastern Policy reports that worldwide Saudi investment approximated $700 billion – a figure much lower than Unger alleges the Saudi government to have invested in the U.S.  The Institute reports that 60 percent of that $700 billion – roughly $420 billion, less than half of what Unger “heard” – was actually invested in the United States by the Saudi government.

OKAY, OKAY, we get it. Michael Moore is a lying sack of shit.  Thanks again to the Free Republic for providing some juicy quotes here.  Again, there is more where that came from–go here to read the full article.  In essence, it isn’t difficult to prove that Michael Moore has a political agenda, and to call Fahrenheit 9/11 a documentary is almost laughable.  Unfortunately, Moore apparently basked in the critical acclaim that Bowling for Columbine had earned him and took it as a mandate to make even more outrageous claims to support his radical agenda.  I’ll say it again–there is no shortage of things to attack the Republican party about, including the issues of gun control and 9/11 exploitation.  But Moore got greedy, and rather than stick to the facts, juicy as they already are, he elected instead to dramatize and sensationalize every aspect of his films until the facts upon which they are based are scarcely recognizable.  Moore threw away what was certainly a promising career as a documentary filmmaker and chose instead to serve as a political lightning rod for the left.  It seems to suit him, so it is difficult for me to criticize.  But the fact remains that he is one of the biggest lying dicks in the history of filmmaking.

Hear no, see no, speak no truth.

Oh and, by the way…Michael Moore, the man who has spent his entire career railing against “fat cat” capitalists…is suing his partners from Fahrenheit 9/11 for millions of dollars in profit from his film.  Shine on, you crazy, hypocritical diamond.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #13: Religious Celebrities

Hello, I can see you have noticed that my Hall of Fame post was egregiously late.  Seriously, Thursday?  I should be chastised simply for us swapping topics in our clearly thought out rotation.  Wait.  You didn’t notice?  You did! fantastic, I’m not even mad anymore, I just can’t wait to focus on our next topic!  Religious celebrities.  I know what you’re thinking..Religion is kind of a huge can of worms by itself.  And celebrities?  Haven’t you jackwads said enough about them already?  True.  We have mocked both categories BUT there is a special blend of dickishness that permeates this topic.  For you see, celebrities cannot seem to do the whole “religion” thing normally.  No, they can’t be the raging alcoholic pontificating about how they hate people who are different.

We cannot WAIT for that trial

No No.  You celebrities transcend racist bigots.  Here is my problem with your religious devotion; you seem to make sure that you can be just as exclusive in death as you were in life.  For you see, as is common with all humans, we consider our mortality and realize that we will not live forever.  We just have to do our best to make an impression on this world as we can.  You are of a group of people who have become wildly successful and can reap the benefits of your labor (Congrats).  And one of the things that can give normal people solace is the fact that we will all rot in the ground one day (you in a much more expensive ground than us, but in the ground nonetheless).  However, you all have managed to find a spiritual afterlife that is so exclusive that none of us could ever even attain entry.

Clearly something tripped in your mind where you had to root around to find that one niche in life that you can lord over us to say “hey” I’m going to be just finnnnne in rich man’s heaven. Religion was one of the last bastions of activity that didn’t require excessive monetary devotion to gain favor with god (or dog or whatever).  As much as religions can be exclusionary and backwards, they generally preach a set of values and discipline attuned to being a good helpful member of society.  While they accept donations, they do not require them.  They are just as happy accepting anyone’s time, devotion and effort.  While they may ask richer members for charity to help those less fortunate, the less fortunate are not seen as negative because of it.  And there is certainly no way to pay your way into the afterlife (in fact most of the religious books make a point of mentioning that little factoid).  I think this where normal religion has lost you.  The fact that you don’t receive the favor you do in THIS life.  Your no more special than the schlump sitting next to you in his 30 dollar suit.

Quick! See if you can toss a coin in his mouth!

To be fair, I am not mocking those who attend church or temple of any other historic denomination of religion.  And if those people have to attend more exclusive churches; it is probably because they do not want to be gawked at while they are trying to be humble.  I am not mocking those who find solace in teachings or have seen some light to propel them to greater good.  I am mocking those who seek to flaunt their religious “devotion” to attempt to seem more interesting to the general populace.

Totally Kabbalah

Madonna is Kabbalah…Right.  See the thing is, she might actually be very devout.  Perhaps she has found some enlightenment from the teachings.  But this is all we see.  A brief overview and WHO is also a member?  You don’t join a religion because so and so is part of it  Wait Wayne Gretzky is Episcopalian?  We’ll talk later.  Religion is not a fashion accessory.  You don’t go around bragging about the fact that you are a catholic (or at least most catholics don’t).  So Madonna is a new age buddhist or whatever.  Who cares.  We don’t hear her saying WHAT it’s about, just the fact that its TOTALLY AWESOME to be one.  We honestly believe that you are making a mockery of people’s real devotions and heartfelt beliefs much the way we are mocking these celebrities right now.  If you are doing this because you believe in it, fine.  But if you’re doing it because it’s the new in thing to do and you just want the press…you’re doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Then we get to our muse, our love, our gift of comedy from a maniac.  Scientology.  Yes, to sum it all up if you have not read our previous post…“You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.” Oh yes.  This whole concept of alien souls between Mormonism and scientology really really frustrate you.  Whether it is some alien overlord named Xenu or the fact that South Park was able to sum up the entire religion in half an hour (with commercials) we cannot take it seriously.  Though if you have a fun joke to make on someone, you too can hire a scientologist to visit a friend of yours to make things frankly uncomfortable. * I don’t want to actually give you a link to do this.  I can just say I have seen it before and don’t wish to overtly antagonize scientologists with their propensity to sue people. Smiley face. But again we are back at square one with listing of the names of people who are part of the religion as opposed to expounding its true values and meaning.

In the end, we live in a society with many different religious options so many will not always trumpet their membership in the open.  We don’t hear things like, “Hey Dale where my Protestant at?  What What!”  Yeah definitely don’t do that.  And many celebrities have managed to turn religion into an “I’m better than you are” thing.  Which really becomes a problem because the scriptures basically do that already.  Most people are just decent enough to not flaunt that fact using the media.  While many celebrities are good enough to worship in silence, there are some that just can’t help being colassal dicks.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #12: Poor Attempts To Change Astrology

Well hello there.  Welcome to another dick hall of fame entry that I’m sure you are ready to ask so many questions about.  Astrology?  Really?  Any sort of attempt to study planets, the sun and the stars?  Doesn’t sound like something you would pay any attention to.  Very true  We don’t usually follow such ridiculous forms of study.  Hell we don’t usually follow NASA unless they screw up.  But this week, we got some news that really broke us.  We have had enough veiled attempts to make federal agencies relevant, and this was much worse.  We have already pointed out that some federal agencies will publish news to seem like they have accomplished something.  And, any attempts to make astrology relevant were really going to put us over the top.   So, lets lead in with the story from the week.

For those who did not see, the Earth’ alignment has apparently shifted in such a way that everyone’s sign has changed.  Or has it?  Apparently not, but it has.  A new sign called Ophiuchus has been created making a thirteenth sign.  I, for one, do not really care but the people who bother to get their zodiac sign printed on their body do.

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

So, for some people this is a really big deal, but for others…eh we really don’t care that much.  What we DO care about is the line, “zodiac changes don’t count if you were born before 2009.”  So, why are we changing this?  I thought we were changing this because we had to.  If the planet shifts (supposedly) the planet shifts.  Are we going to print all horoscopes with an asterisk?  At the end of the day, people are not really that curious about their horoscope.  If it has to change, it has to change.  We accept this because we honestly don’t care/know that much about it.  If I check my horoscope, it is because I am stuck in the train or at the doctor’s office with nothing to occupy my time but a newspaper.  The unfortunate thing is that you have managed to rile up the small portion of the world that actually cares about this to the point that this HAD to be in the news.  Astrology, please keep yourself relegated to the hidden part of the lifestyle section.  To say that this is irrelevant is actually a waste of OUR time let alone the space in a newspaper (stay tuned for our opinions on how relevant those are).  Horoscopes are basically as bad as a palm reader who puts up a sign that says “walk-ins welcome” (Who has to make an appointment to see a palm reader?).  You are a novelty like a fortune cookie (You will find great success in bed); fun facts that most of us will sample if it is convenient.  But hey this isn’t the first time something celestial has changed on us.

One of these things is not like the other, one of these things is not like the other

Oh yeah, scientists decided that Pluto is no longer a planet.  Well that’s messed up.  There were many factors going into the decision, one of which was they discovered another object roughly the same size and diameter as Pluto.  At a glance I can see several problems with this classification.  One, it is based on diameter.  I could see if the planet was, in fact, revolving around another planet.  That’s a good reason to change the classification.  And two, you just made millions of high school textbooks irrelevant based on a TECHNICALITY.  Listen, if you find something new to honestly make the change or have discovered a new planet..that’s fine.  We won’t question your judgment.  But if you’re just going to change the requirement for how BIG something has to be..well you’ve strayed into our territory.

Most kids don’t have current history textbooks let ALONE science ones.  We have enough problems getting over talking points in GOVERNMENT texts.  We have enough problems in most states just taking the time to interpret the damn Declaration of Independence, we don’t need scientists poking their noses in to make another pointless debate.  So, let me say congratulations for forcing countless school districts to find new textbooks that don’t include Pluto as a planet.  Some of our best scientists reached for the stars when our county made it to the moon; clearly, now we are just comfortable trying to change what other people have already done.

As fake as the female orgasm

To sum this up, please don’t change something about the stars for pointless reasons.  Many of us look to the stars for inspiration, and we don’t need people to tell us that things have changed because they say so.  We don’t care.  And the people who do care would probably prefer the time spent on this be directed towards something more important…let’s say getting people to Mars.  Do that and then we will talk about adding a new zodiac sign.  Any overzealous attempt at self-importance just serves to show us how dickish some scientists really can be.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #11: Pundits

Listen, we know. It’s a broad category.  But we really couldn’t decide on just one.

Usually we try to steer away from Dick Hall of Fame inductees that reflect things that are happening right now–that’s Dick of the Week territory.  But we’ve got to say, pundits as a whole are LONG overdue for some sort of lifetime achievement award.  And the horrible, tragic events of this weekend have served as a sad reminder about the state of television “journalism” in this country and our need as Americans to find someone to blame for even the most senseless of acts.  Let us be clear, and serious, for a moment: we would like to express our most heartfelt condolences to the families of Judge John Roll, Gabe Zimmerman, pastor Dorwin Stoddard, Dorthy Murray, Phyllis Scheck, and nine-year-old Christina Greene, as well as to Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and the others wounded in the attack.  We express our condolences, because the dicks in the media, those pundits whom we have come to “trust” so much, have neglected to do so in favor of searching for a way to blame individuals, ideologies, political movements, and, in some cases, each other.

We’re going to start at the top here.  We’re not going to mince words: Paul Krugman is an idiot.  An idiot, idiot, idiot.  Paul Krugman makes our blog look like Pulitzer Prize-winning reporting.  Paul Krugman grasps at straws so hard he’s going to break his hand.  Paul Krugman’s momma so fat, when she goes on a diet the US economy crashes.  Okay, maybe we leave his momma out of it, but keep in mind she did give birth to one of the biggest wastes of oxygen on this planet.  On Sunday, Krugman had the guts to release this article, essentially blaming the republican party as a whole for the shooting.  That’s really not an exaggeration, either.  We’ll share with you a couple of excerpts from the article.  And we’ll translate:

“It’s true that the shooter in Arizona appears to have been mentally troubled. But that doesn’t mean that his act can or should be treated as an isolated event, having nothing to do with the national climate.” [“Okay, so the shooter was insane. But if you think about it, didn’t the republicans MAKE him insane?”]

“As Clarence Dupnik, the sheriff responsible for dealing with the Arizona shootings, put it, it’s “the vitriolic rhetoric that we hear day in and day out from people in the radio business and some people in the TV business.” The vast majority of those who listen to that toxic rhetoric stop short of actual violence, but some, inevitably, cross that line.” [“Everyone in America watches TV. And SOME people in America commit acts of violence. Therefore, TV causes violence. Also, I never let my kids play Grand Theft Auto.”]

“Where’s that toxic rhetoric coming from? Let’s not make a false pretense of balance: it’s coming, overwhelmingly, from the right.” [“I have never watched Keith Olbermann.”]

“Listen to Rachel Maddow or Keith Olbermann, and you’ll hear a lot of caustic remarks and mockery aimed at Republicans. But you won’t hear jokes about shooting government officials or beheading a journalist at The Washington Post. Listen to Glenn Beck or Bill O’Reilly, and you will.” [“Caustic remarks and mockery are essential to our political process. Are you implying that Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly are allowed to make jokes too? I WILL BEHEAD YOU, SIR.”  We might also note here that Olbermann once said that Democrats’ solution to Hillary Clinton was ‘somebody who can take her into a room and only he comes out,’ but Krugman conveniently forgets these things.]

“So will the Arizona massacre make our discourse less toxic? It’s really up to G.O.P. leaders.” [“When will Sarah Palin stop shooting people?”]

Paul Krugman has every right to his opinion, but in this case his opinion makes him an unbelievable dick. The entire article is one long diatribe searching to find a way to blame the GOP for an atrocity committed by one insane man.  It’s not unreasonable to search for answers in the wake of a tragedy, but it is pretty unreasonable to write an article filled with the same sort of vitriolic, blame-gaming, hate-filled language that he supposedly condemns the GOP for.  But here’s the good news: we guess if someone goes nuts and shoots a journalist now, we can totally blame Paul Krugman for it.  Nice going, dick.  This article essentially sums up everything that is wrong with American journalism.

You're an asshole, Krugman. We really can't put it any more delicately than that.

Of course, Paul Krugman isn’t the only one.  We’re going to take a minute to take Sarah Palin to task.  Is she responsible for the shootings?  Of course not.  Is she still an idiot?  Yes. Yes she is.

One thing that the media chose to jump on immediately after the shootings was the “target map” that Palin put up on her website not long before the attack took place.  The map was a graphic showing the districts that the GOP had carried in 2008 which now hosted Congressmen who voted for the health care overhaul.  Palin listed them as GOP targets and aimed to have them voted out of Congress.  However…the symbol that Palin’s people chose to place over the districts in question happened to be crosshairs.  Since Rep. Giffords happened to be one of the Congresswomen targeted by Palin’s campaign, this gave a much more sinister meaning to the map than it was intended to have.

Like there was any way this was ever going to be in good taste.

You can see the map above.  Obviously Sarah Palin was hardly advocating the assassination of the Representatives in question.  But seriously, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING.  Doesn’t the Tea Party use enough threatening rhetoric already?  Did she not expect people to jump on this regardless of whether or not someone had taken a shot at a Congresswoman?  This is just poor form all around.  As much as we think the media are dicks for jumping on the bandwagon to blame Sarah Palin for this horrible tragedy, Palin herself is equally at fault for providing them with this unbelievably stupid ammunition.  So Sarah, you are also a dick.

Of course, we’d be remiss is we  didn’t further address that hypocrite of all hypocrites, Keith Olbermann.  Olbermann devoted Monday’s “special comment” to calling out right wing commentators for their supposed “hate speech” and instigation of violence.  He even went so far as to demanded apologies from Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly.  Yes, Keith Olbermann suggested that Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly should apologize for someone else committing murder.  And his main argument was the target imagery on Palin’s map.  Honestly, that was basically it.  As Krugman and Olbermann point out, you never see imagery like that or hear threatening messages from left wing politicians or commentators.

Except, you know, that time President Obama talked about bringing a gun to a political knife fight.

Or that time Chris Matthews said someone should jam a CO2 pellet in Rush Limbaugh’s head and kill him.

Just a couple of examples that various bloggers have pulled from the woodwork this week.  Certainly though, this vitriol is coming only from the right.

But let’s give these left-wing commentators their due: Jared Loughner, the shooter, may have been insane, but he was pretty obviously an Tea Party member.  That has to count for something, right?  Wait, wait.  You mean Jared Loughner wasn’t a Tea Partier?  You mean he wasn’t even a republican?  You mean his own former classmate described him as a “left-wing pot head“?  Oh yeah.  Those who knew Mr. Loughner described him as a “left-wing political radical,” which sounds an awful lot like, we don’t know, not someone likely to be influenced by Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, or any other supposedly hate-filled right-wing commentator.  In fact it sounds like someone a lot more likely to be influenced by…we don’t know…

But we would never hold him responsible, because we're not fucking idiots.

So yeah, sorry Keith, but you’re a huge dick, too.

This is already getting lengthy, but there is one more important point to touch on that makes pretty much everyone involved a dick.  Does everyone remember the Fort Hood shooting?  Feel free to brush up here: 13 killed, 30 wounded on a military base by an Islamic man yelling “Allahu Akbar” while he shot.  The guy had some issues, yeah.  But the media repeatedly urged us to avoid jumping to conclusions about Nidal Malik Hasan, the shooter, and his motives.  We were urged to exercise caution by just about everyone.  The Washington Examiner was kind enough to compile a number of these quotes for us here.  Let’s take a look, shall we?

“I would caution against jumping to conclusions until we have all the facts.” -President Obama

“We have to make sure that we do not jump to any conclusions whatsoever.” -CNN’s Jane Velez-Mitchell

“The important thing is for everyone not to jump to conclusions.” –Gen. Wesley Clark, on CNN

“Now, President Obama has asked people to be very cautious here and to not jump to conclusions. By saying that you believe this is an act of terror, are you jumping to a conclusion?” -CNN’s John Roberts to Rep. Pete Hoekstra, when Hoekstra suggested the shooting was an act of terrorism

That last one is particularly interesting to us, especially since some liberal commentators have already taken to calling Loughner a “domestic terrorist.”  We’re hesitant to attack this article too much, because it says a lot of smart things about not indicting commentators for rhetoric that you don’t like.  We like seeing that.  But this particular blogger also leaps headfirst into calling Loughner a terrorist and accusing the Tea Party and those with similar ideologies of (essentially) being racist for assuming that all terrorists are middle eastern.  He makes a big deal of complaining that people like Loughner are labelled as “mentally unstable” rather than “terrorists.”

Okay. Look. Maybe that’s because the “mentally unstable” part is the important part here?  In our language today, terrorism implies a wider threat, not one crazy guy.  And while a lot of terrorists may be idiots, most of them are not actually insane.  Calm down, Peter Beinart.  It’s just a word.  And as your own fellow left-wing commentators have said, it’s important that we avoid jumping to any conclusions here.

There you have it.  A tragic indictment of commentators as a whole.  Some will say this is heavily skewed towards the right.  We say…sorry.  It’s important to remember that Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and others are, usually, just as bad, just as biased, and just as factually inaccurate.  It’s too bad for the left-wingers reading this that people like Olbermann, Krugman, and the left-wing blogosphere all managed to drop the ball at the exact same time this week.  We again reiterate our condolences to all affected by this tragedy, and also reiterate how everyone in the media associated with covering, commentating on, analyzing, or otherwise discussing this event is a complete and utter dick.

Dick Hall of Fame Entry #10: Charlie Parsons

Who?  Not sure who that is?  It’s a new year and this is the best that you can do?  This man cannot be a hall of famer.  Hold your horses.  This man may toil in anonymity but his work speaks for itself.  This is the man who originally created the show known as Survivor.  He is the man who helped the resurgence of reality television to the point where it dominates pretty much every channel.  Yes, reality television.  The drivel that involves fighting and ridiciulous stereotypes.  To be clear I am NOT blaming him for the creation of reality television.  I am blaming him for creating a show that changed the definition of “reality” television.  The success of this genre which has watered down our programming and minds.  The reason that we have people known as the Situation and Snooki.  The reason that superficial stupidity can be a path to celebrity.

First, we need clear up what reality television was and is.  It  originally started with a show called Candid Camera back in the 1940’s.  The show’s purpose was to create an odd situation to secretly record “candid” reactions from real people.  The format was simple.  Create an unusual situation to record the real reactions that people would have.  On face value this seems like a great idea.  Many of us would like to see how we would react to being put in a house with people from different backgrounds or in a dealership where they break our car and try to tell you it’s fixed.  The Real World has shown us real people and raised attention to many overarching social issues.  But then the formula started to move more towards drama.

Like forced Gilligan's Island

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #9: Donald Sterling

Donald Sterling was mentioned in our last Dick of the Week update as a runner up for just that award.  In truth, Donald Sterling may very well have been worthy of being last week’s Dick of the Week, but we made the executive decision to demote him to an honorable mention simply because we couldn’t wait to do a Dick Hall of Fame entry for him this week.

Since Donald Sterling is not exactly a household name,  we will give you a little background information on who this tremendous dick really is.  A quick perusal of his Wikipedia page will tell you that Mr. Sterling rose to fame and fortune as an attorney and a real estate mogul.  He quickly amassed a fortune in real estate and, in 1981, decided to purchase an NBA team.  Los Angeles Clippers fans rue this day, for it was their team that he purchased and it was their team that he has been busy running into the ground ever since.

To be fair, it is not exactly right to say that Sterling ran the team into the ground.  The Clippers have never won more than 49 games in a season, and even that record was established when the team was still known as the Buffalo Braves.  47 wins is the Clippers record since moving to California, and that was accomplished under Sterling.  And while that might seem like a step in the right direction, Clippers fans will take it as little comfort as they must, year after year, watch the owner of their team shell out millions of dollars for the corpses of players like Baron Davis and Elton Brand, hand out massive extensions to people like Mike Dunleavy Sr., probably simultaneously the worst GM and coach in the league, and wait way, WAY too long to fire people, like the aforementioned Dunleavy.

The average Clippers fan.