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A Bunch of Dicks including the Kardashians

21 Jul

Greetings once again to all of our loyal dick of the week followers.  We are so sorry that we neglect all of you for whatever reason that we do.  If you were a pet or house plant, you most certainly would have died.  I want to construct this post by building up to the dick I wanted to profile by inserting some stories that have recently been bothering me.

Our bad

Angry Birds reaches 300 million players.  Does anyone see the problem with this?  Every time I see a cut of hours spent of Facebook and Gmail and Google+ and angry birds…I question how much lost work time that is.  Seriously, I know way too many people who keep spare phone chargers at work just so they can keep those wonderful 2 hour battery life full screen wonders working.  Plus, it’s not like your gaining anything from this.  It’s a game of angles that allows you to knock things over….what is this?  pong, tetris, DXBall (classic 90s time waster). At least read some news, do something constructive.  But playing a crappy game that requires little to no skill really does nothing but waste your time with no benefit.  Just imagine how you’ll feel if your high score ever got deleted!  If you answer that question with anything even remotely close to despair, you are playing the game too much.

DX BALL

Over the weekend, a group of 5 Clemson students managed to get arrested for stealing breakfast cereal from the school cafeteria after hours.  This story was troubling for two reasons.  The first being the fact that college students went as far as to steal cereal…at night.  Seriously, cafeterias are tailor-made for little swipes here and there.  Loaf of bread here, ketchup bottle here, tub of ice cream once in a while (Panini Press?).  Are half of my plates and bowls from MY college cafeteria?  Maybe, but those luxuries are expensive and these ones were made for heavy-duty washing (Translation: Never buying new ones).  I also get all of my glasses from free giveaways at bars, but that is another story.  Going out of your way to steal something like cereal just puts you in needless legal trouble and honestly it’s more effort than it’s probably worth.  If you’re going to get busted, get busted stealing a whole pig or a bunch of steaks…..Not something like ramen.

After loans, this is all you can afford

The second (bigger) problem is that the bail for this crime was set at 5,407 dollars.  The crime involved 5 kids and bags of Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks, Captain Crunch and Cocoa Puffs.  I don’t care if 5,407 STUDENTS raided the cafeteria after hours, these are college students.  The amount of money doesn’t matter in this case, it’s more the fact that it IS money.  Think about it, you just got robbed by 5 people who clearly could not afford cereal…I bet if bail was set at 20 dollars they would show up for court.  No need to flip out over a few dollars worth of cereal.

How dare you take things you paid for with your tuition!

And finally, our winner this day.  Kim Kardashian sues Old Navy over lookalike in ads.  Listen, I usually don’t pick on people who have intellects that rival a 4th grader, but this was just too ridiculous.  This lawsuit says that Kardashian “has invested substantial time, energy, finances and entrepreneurial effort in developing her considerable professional and commercial achievements and success, as well as in developing her popularity, fame, and prominence in the public eye.”  Here’s the thing, these commercials at no point reference Ms. Kardashian, they really only infringe on her by having someone who looks exactly like her.  In fact, this person might surpass her because, as far as I can tell, she can sing, which would be a step up.

Hold on, this is a tough one...

This is funny because usually lookalikes are a joke, good-natured humor about two people who happen to look strikingly similar.  However, most celebrities provide some talent that can’t just be visually mimicked.  Like the Obama double, you can’t really copy Obama.  You couldn’t copy Tom Brady because Tom Brady has a discernible set of skills that would make the difference between the two readily apparent.  Singer, writers, musicians, athletes all have a skill that really can’t be copied, which is exactly why Kim Kardashian got so very angry over this doppelgänger (No WAY she knows what this means) stealing her skill of….wearing clothes?  Smiling?  Oh, I’ve got it!  Being tan.  Seriously, if your only skill is being a rich airhead, you can’t get too angry when someone new and younger comes and takes your place in this market.  Right Paris?  Just because Jersey Shore and The Kardashians have taken all of your attention, you can still get by on your talents.  Have your dad pay to make you another album!  Or do another sex tape, those seem to go over well!  The sky is the limit….kinda.  Editor’s note: We are very sad that a class of people such as this exists.  So, Kim, we are sad this took so long but you win this dick of the week.
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Dick of the Week, Mar. 7-Mar. 13: Massimo Busacca

13 Mar

Why hello all you happy viewers, welcome to this weeks dick of the week.  Having thought about this very fairly (?), I have decided to make Massimo Busacca our newest dick of the week.  Referees tend to be a subject that we shy away from attacking for several reasons.  1.  They are only human therefore it is always possible for anyone to find fault with them.  2.  Referees tend to make many mistakes and given the long list of evidence anyone can compile googling “Referee” and “Screw Up.”  3.  Everyone else does it so why would we follow everyone else?  We actually had 2 dandy examples this week when an entire officiating crew decided to not call an out of bounds play and traveling with 1.7 seconds left.  This was bad because it essentially gave Rutgers zero chance to come back after they called the game and a win for St. John’s.  However, the refs were back on the sideline and in action after withdrawing from the tournament.  Hey, refs are just part of the game right?  They, at least, admitted they were wrong and decided to withdraw from the tournament.

In soccer, or football or however you refer to that game where you kick the ball around on the ground and can’t touch it with your hands, the referees are given a lot of room to make judgment calls and impact the flow of the game.  Having refereed soccer games, one can never know when a player is faking, fell on his own, etc.  You have to rely on your own opinion and do the best to NOT change the game. Again, you don’t change the game and you don’t let it get out of hand.  The 85-year-old grandmother brandishing her walker and swearing might disagree, but what the hell, its your job and someone has to do it.

What Mr. Massimo did was the unforgivable crime of changing a game at the end of the game by giving one team a huge tactical advantage.  If you didn’t see, Massimo sent off Robin Van Persie in the 55th minute for shooting a ball 1 second after the whistle blew for being off sides.  1 second.  There were 35 MINUTES left.  You send the guy off for time-wasting with half an hour left in a game?  I suppose he forgot that referees add-on extra time to compensate for the time lost during the run of play because the clock doesn’t stop.

Who would have thought that this decision would actually look reasonable?

Yes, I’ll say it.  If the referee didn’t see this play as it happened, it’s OK to only give the guy a yellow.  If a guy had to be sent off for every player laying on the ground, the sides would never be 11 on 11.  As a referee, the last thing you want to do is ruin a match by sending off a player for little or no reason.  This is why time-wasting is generally only called in the waning minutes of a closer game when one side is attempting to kill precious few seconds.  Now, I understand that the stats are not in favor of Arsenal making a case the they were really going for the game….but I will refute that by saying NO ONE tries to out-play Barcelona at HOME.  Chelsea, Inter, Manchester United, and the Netherlands (which applies because most Barcelona play for Spain).  What is the common thread of all of these matches?  The away team goes to Camp Nou (or the World Cup Final) and either keeps it close or digs in for a DRAW in order to either steal the game late and/or take it to Barcelona at home.  You don’t usually attack Barca because you know they won’t let you control the game.  Arsenal wasn’t playing attacking football because that hasn’t proven to be an effective way to beat this Barcelona team.  Sorry, they weren’t playing anti-football because they wanted to, they were doing it because it made the most tactical sense being up 2-1 after the first leg.

But hey if they want to play with numbers, 2 goals and a good 10 shots (at least) followed Van Persie’s ejection, so let’s not lose our heads saying this didn’t change the match.  When you lose a man, it completely kills your team. Especially, if you are playing an up-tempo passing team such as Barcelona because they will run you into the ground if you can’t properly defend them.

The main point was that Busacca didn’t technically do anything wrong according to the laws of the game.  But according to the laws of the game, any player who lies on the ground in pain and gets up 2 seconds after a foul is given should PROBABLY be carded.  Any person who takes A STEP inside the 10 yard barrier of a free kick should be whistled and the kick should be retaken.  Shit, half of the insults that are said in other languages should be carded.  And EVERY player who wasted 1 second should have been shown a yellow if that was the way Busacca was calling the game.  If I were an Arsenal fan, I would  re-watch EVERY SINGLE GAME this guy referees and compile a list of every incident that matches Van Persie’s cardable offense.  I may be vindictive enough to do this, but it’s not my team and I don’t have enough time to attempt it.  It’s just bad gamesmanship, maybe he was looking for a red card after giving out so many to Arsenal in the first half, I don’t know.  But now we are all talking about this referee and not giving full credit to Barcelona, which is usually what referees try to avoid.  So, my congratulations to Massimo Busacca for ruining a really good football match by kicking a player out for an offense that most referees choose to ignore under similar circumstances.

 

All referees actually work for Match.com

At least it nothing has happened to the players or coaches yet after they literally called the referee a joke.

Dick of the Week, Feb. 28 – March 6: Natalie Williamson

10 Mar

After a week and a half of hardcore Charlie Sheen coverage, it is a little refreshing to be able to take a step back and appreciate some of the simpler things.  I always enjoy writing Dick of the Week articles, even more than I enjoy writing Hall of Fame articles.  While the Hall of Fame articles can usually be longer because of the greater depth of material from which to draw, the Dick of the Week allows us to channel the intense reaction that we have to a given dick’s actions quickly, before that passion has the chance to dissipate.  While Dick Hall of Fame articles are more meticulously crafted, I think Dick of the Week ones are where our creativity is really allowed to shine.

With that said, I would like to introduce your most recent Dick of the Week, Natalie Williamson.  This is a prime example of how this blog can take us in directions that we never planned.  Natalie Williamson’s situation is as follows: she boarded a VirginBlue plane with her husband and 17-month-old son.  Her husband and her son may or may not have been playing a “peek-a-boo” type game.  A flight attendant took it upon himself to join in on the game, and placed the child in one of the overhead compartments.  Natalie, shocked, instructed the flight attendant to remove her son from the compartment and return him to her, which he did.  The incident was reported, the flight attendant was fired, and Natalie was given a number of free flights to make up for the unfortunate incident.

Terrifying!

As I said, sometimes this blog will end up going a completely different direction than we thought it would, and this is one of those times.  When I first read about the incident, I prepared myself to write a Dick of the Week entry on the flight attendant.  I mean, honestly.  He put a kid in an overhead bin.  Whether they were playing peek-a-boo or not, that’s just not the best decision–you don’t manhandle toddlers that don’t belong to you.  The flight attendant is clearly and idiot, and we’ll give him the distinction of calling him a dick, as well.

But when you read more about the incident, it quickly becomes apparent that it is Natalie, the mother, who is the real dick in this situation.  She should, frankly, have taken the free flights, thanked the airline for firing the flight attendant (who deserved to be fired), and been on her merry fucking way.

But no.

Natalie Williamson is a Goddamn martyr, and she wants the rest of you to know it.

Buckle your seatbelts, because you can almost smell the multi-million dollar lawsuit coming around the corner here.  Let’s look at a few of the comments that Natalie made to the Sunday Herald Sun about what happened:

“My husband, Shayne, was standing one metre behind my son, Riley, when the air steward picked him up and placed him in the overhead compartment.  I stood up and there were people laughing and then I said ‘Get my son out of there now.'”

First of all, if your name is Shane and you spell it with a ‘y,’ you are an asshole.  Simple as that.  But that’s not the point.  That account sounds reasonable, right?  A pretty matter-of-fact account of what happened.  I would probably fire the flight attendant based on that description alone.  Has she left it at that, the flight attendant would have been our Dick of the Week.  I’m pretty sure that’s where she should have stopped talking.

“I was devastated. I was absolutely devastated.”

“I was crying. My husband was in shock. For days on end I was crying.”

Really.

REALLY.

Look, the flight attendant fucked up.  There’s no arguing that.  Probably enough to even deserve that firing.  But you may have some issues lady.  You were crying for days because your son was put in an overhead compartment?  I mean Jesus, did we miss something?  Did the flight attendant refuse to remove the kid?  Was he in there for an hour or what?

The baby had been reportedly locked in the compartment for 10 seconds.

Oh.

Judgment Cat thinks you're an idiot.

Let me share something with you.  When I was a little kid, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into tight spaces.  Behind the couch, under the bed, in the back of the closet, in kitchen cabinets, it didn’t matter.  If it was a tight space, I wanted to hang out there.  If I could have been put in an overhead compartment as a little kid, that would have been, quite literally, the best day of my life.  I can’t imagine the kid suffered too much.  But Natalie has other ideas!  Another excerpt:

Ms Williamson said Riley, now 20 months, had seen various specialists since the incident after suffering from anxiety and withdrawal.

“He won’t leave my sight now. He sleeps with me. If I’m not in the same room as him, he will scream and yell ‘Mum, mum, mum’,” she said.

Lady, the kid is just pissed off that you didn’t let him stay up there.  And can we take a moment here to appreciate how breathtakingly stupid it is for her to say the kid has been to “several specialists?” Anxiety and withdrawal?  How the hell would you even know if a 17-month-old was suffering from those things?  If anything, you’ve fucked him up more, because now he thinks something is wrong with him.  Sometimes it’s best to just cut your losses.  Yeah, a shitty thing happened to you, and now it’s time to move on.  Your kid doesn’t sleep through the night?  Welcome to motherhood, bitch.  Don’t blame VirginBlue because you’re a shitty parent.

I strongly urge you to consider these next time.

Dick of the Week, Feb. 21-27: NOT Moammar Gaddafi

27 Feb

Well here we are once again, another week and another dick to choose.  I have thought about this one long and hard, and I cannot declare another tyrannical executive to be the Dick of the Week.  I can’t do it.  Granted this man has been oppressing his people and is preparing to fight them in an increasingly bloody exchange.  This man has criticized the UN and even torn up a copy of the charter before the Security Council.  Any man is willing to order military action against his own people is an absolutely deplorable individual not worthy of our satire. The saddest story was when a plane full of soldiers crashed because they REFUSED to bomb their own people.   I don’t know anything more telling than that.  You military has refused an order because they are even beginning to question your leadership.

The dumbest statement of all has been that Gaddafi mentioned that he would become a martyr after this conflict was over.  I realize he has been a fixture of the past revolutions and as leader he has a certain image within the nation.  But really, it’s not for you to say whether you will become a martyr.  In fact, it’s really just insulting to the memories of people that ARE martyrs.  You don’t get to say that people will remember you; not really your call.  And I’m not really sure you’re going to be an admirable fixture for the people you’re bombing.  They probably won’t all say, “well at least he fought for a cause.”  Clearly this man is insane and the events that have transpired aren’t something I really want to comment on any further.  SO let’s try this again, Take 2.

Dick of the Week, Feb. 21-27: Zachary Adam Chesser

This is going to a different situation because this was an incident that happened long ago, but I am very excited about the precedent set by the result.  Zachary Adam Chesser was the man who encouraged violent retaliation against South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone after they depicted the prophet Mohammed in a bear suit.  It was a joke, as stupid as it may have been, it was a satire of the fact that it is wrong in their religion to create a picture of the Prophet.  They didn’t actually show him, no one should take too much offense to it.  They are not the first ones to push this envelope and they probably won’t be the last.  What I liked was the fact that this man got 35 years in prison for such a threat.  I think civilized discourse is an important thing to have in our society, and one of our most redeeming qualities is that we can (for the most part) respectfully disagree with each other (at least normal people can).  If you found the South Park joke offensive, you are free to call the creators idiots or uninformed or just respectfully say that you found it offensive.  But what you cannot do is threaten violence against them.  Don’t watch the show or just don’t pay attention to it.  If it becomes ok to say that, then it’s ok to say it back, and that’s a very slippery slope.  So, I am very happy that the price is so high when you try to threaten someone for using their free speech.

Now, to the ones who came close.

Sent from My Congressional BlackBerry

(Former) Congressman Christopher Lee (R-NY): Hey, I thought he was already a runner-up, you can make the list more than once?  Yes, sure why not? If you keep being a dick, you are always in the running.  See, his prompt resignation not too long ago was understandable but seemed a little over the top.  Did he have a little something to explain to his wife?  Yes, he did.  But as we reported, he was not necessarily taking part in an activity that is uncommon in the world.  What we DIDN’T know was that he wasn’t only looking for women.  Apparently he was a classy guy looking for passable transsexual to spoil.  My first reaction is that I never ever ever want to find out how one spoils a transsexual, and, suddenly, we know why he was so quick to leave.  Womanizing is one thing, seeking sexual encounters with “people in transition” is something entirely different.  I would have liked to see him stay in Congress just to see the questions that people would ask him on the floor.  CSPAN would have gotten a lot more interesting, I’m just saying.  Having to explain marital infidelity, tough.  Having to explain marital infidelity involving women who were men, uhhh good luck with that.  

Polygamist leader Warren Jeffs: This guy is standing trial for polygamy, marrying underage people, you know the usual crimes involved with these whacky religious cults.  Then, he ousted 45 members in his church because they were a threat to his leadership, which he was still active in from jail.  My first reaction is to say way to snitch on your friends and take more people away from their families…wait, you thought that 45 of your high-ranking members were a threat to your leadership.  How big is your church?  10,000.  Wow, 10,000 polygamists.  That’s a little creepy that there are so many of these people out there.  I’m going to keep this one on the list because this guy helped reveal that there are more than 2 other people like him, and that just freaks me out.

Dick of the Week, Feb. 14-20: Nir Rosen

22 Feb

A lot of weeks, I enjoy writing Honorable Mentions.  In fact, there was even one week where it was so difficult to decide who should hold the Dick of the Week title that I went ahead and let the two leading candidates share it.  Sometimes it’s very hard to decide who the biggest dick is.

This was not one of those weeks.

In fact, Nir Rosen is the Dick of the Week by such a wide margin that I’m not even going to entertain secondary dicks right now.  Head and shoulders above the competition, Rosen stood up this week and announced to the world, “You may not have heard of me, but I am the biggest asshole alive!”

This picture is his Twitter background. I shit you not. I shit. You not.

We at Dick of the Week were both saddened and angered to hear about the tragic attack on CBS reporter Lara Logan this week.  For those who haven’t heard, Lara Logan was brutally attacked and sexually assaulted while covering the Egyptian protests last week.  The news reached the states and was met with an inspiring upwelling of support for Logan and condemnation of her assailants.  Thank God she was rescued by a group of Egyptian women and soldiers, or the story might have ended even more tragically.  But as we all recoiled in horror at what had happened, Rosen stood up for rape apologists everywhere and shouted the equivalent of “yeah, but she was asking for it.”

Rosen isn’t well know, but he does have a reputation as a staunchly anti-war leftist commentator and serves as a fellow at the NYU Center for Law and Security.  When Rosen heard about the Lara Logan assault, his first reaction was to go on Twitter and let everyone know what an attention seeking bitch he felt Logan was.

I’d love to talk about what Rosen said, but I think it might be more effective to…well, to just go ahead and tell you exactly what Rosen said.

“Lara Logan had to outdo Anderson. Where was her buddy McCrystal.”

“Yes yes its wrong what happened to her. Of course. I don’t support that. But, it would have been funny if it happened to Anderson too.”

“Jesus Christ, at a moment when she is going to become a martyr and glorified we should at least remember her role as a major war monger”

“Look, she was probably groped like thousands of other women, which is still wrong, but if it was worse than [sic] I’m sorry.”

Wow.

Actually, I’m at a loss for what to say beyond that.

I guess…I guess let’s just start at the top.  Not one, but TWO tweets implying that Lara Logan wanted to be sexually assaulted so that she could beat Anderson Cooper in (drumroll please) the ratings battle.  Which, if you think about it makes sense.  I mean all a woman has to do is have her body completely violated and she gets a slight bump in ratings?  Sounds like a fair deal to me!  Who WOULDN’T make that trade?

And really, what’s worse about the Anderson Cooper comments?  The fact that Rosen is comparing the minor assault that Cooper suffered while covering the protests to Logan’s sexual assault or the fact that Rosen is implying that if Anderson Cooper were sexually assaulted in a similar manner, it would be “funny”?  We joke about a lot of things here, but rape isn’t one of them…and I have no desire to see Anderson Cooper raped (for a variety of reasons).

Why is it always the pretty ones.

I really wish that was the end of Rosen’s crimes.  Amazingly though, Rosen was only getting warmed up.  It’s his apologies that really set the standard.  Rosen made several attempts at an “apology” that range from whining and petulant to flippant and dismissive.  It becomes very clear very quickly that Rosen feels absolutely no remorse whatsoever for his inappropriate, insulting tweets.  Why don’t we take a few moments to look at Rosen’s various explanations/apologies:

“Ah fuck it, I apologize for being insensitive, its always wrong, that’s obvious, but I’m rolling my eyes at all the attention she will get.” [posted on Twitter. Rosen’s first attempt at an apology. Really tugs on the old heartstrings, doesn’t it?]

“No matter what I say, I look like a jerk.” [said on the Anderson Cooper show. A whiny attempt to paint himself as the victim.  Also…maybe just a little awkward since Rosen wished rape on Cooper.]

“When you’re in war zones you develop a black humor and make jokes about your death, other people’s deaths, other terrible things, writers and photographers do it, as of course do Bosnians, Iraqis, Somalis and others as a coping mechanism. But taken out of context this can be deeply hurtful, especially when made by a man.” [said in an interview with Media Bistro.  Hate to say it, Mr. Rosen, but you weren’t tweeting from a war zone.  And while black humor might be appropriate between two close friends, Twitter is…not between two close friends.]

“How 480 characters unraveled my career.” [title of an essay written by Rosen to, in the words of New York Magazine, “paint a picture of himself as a progressive martyr.”]

“I have been frustrated by the ideological opportunists who have used this ordeal for their personal gain.” [from the aforementioned essay. Yeah, you’re quite the victim, Nir.]

“I felt she was a terrible journalist who supported wars that I had covered….I point it out now only to explain my thinking.” [from the same essay.  And oooooooh, yep. That’s a step in the wrong direction.]

“Had I been a right-wing writer I doubt this would have happened to me.” [maybe the most ridiculous statement of all.  Not only is it petulant, does he really think that Republicans don’t suffer backlash for inappropriate comments?]

There’s a whole lot to work with there, but I can’t improve on perfection.  No, Terry Glavin of the National Post says it best:

“The evidence he submits in his own defence: Exhibit A. At least you can’t accuse me of saying bad things about Julian Assange. Exhibit B. I’m probably not as stupid as Anne Coulter. Exhibit C: I was only joking, “and an entire mob turns on me.”

Objection: Actually, the mob turned on Lara Logan. You weren’t even there.”

Sharp rebukes don’t get much better than that.  It’s amazing that Rosen managed to get even MORE offensive while trying to apologize for his INITIAL offensive comments.

But why?  Why is Rosen like this?  I’d have to say that the evidence points to him being little more than a colossal attention whore.  Aside from the myriad interviews he has given since his comments went public, from the essay he wrote to give as many excuses as possible, to the insincere public statements he released, Rosen AMAZINGLY turned back to TWITTER to gain more attention.  On the 16th, shortly after the controversy began, Rosen SWORE OFF TWITTER!

“but there is no point following me, i am done tweeting. too ashamed of how i have hurt others and the false impression i gave of who i am”

Immediately after that, he made a follow-up statement.  This was an apology to Lara Logan, and, to his credit, this one at least sounded sincere:

“I feel I should make one last statement. I offer my deepest apologies to Ms. Logan, her friends and her family. I never meant to hurt anyone”

He then…continued to tweet for the next few days.  And Rosen wonders why nobody seems to believe that he actually feels bad for this.  When a guy can’t even be sincere about something as simple as whether or not he’s going to continue tweeting…I’d have to say it’s probably not much of a surprise that no one thinks his apologies are sincere either.

The real happy ending here is the fact that the Rosen, at the very least, had the good sense to tender his resignation from NYU.  News articles announced the NYU “accepted” Rosen’s resignation, but, really, come on.  What were they going to do, fight to keep the man who made jokes about the rape of a female reporter?  What a great headline that would be.

No, Rosen “ruined his own career.”  When Rosen said those words, it was in an attempt to paint himself as a victim.  When I say those words, it is as a solemn thank you that there is some justice in the world, after all.

Well done, avenging angel of Twitter.

Dick of the Week, Feb 7-Feb 13: (Former) Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak

15 Feb

While I feel this weeks winner doesn’t need much explaining, I feel we would be forfeiting our duties if we didn’t talk about this man a LITTLE bit.  While, this may make us all sound like redundant talking heads who missed the boat in trying to comment on this all-encompassing story; I feel like I can give you some reasons that weren’t in the headlines that can further explain why this man is a complete dick.  Now, I may not be stretching the truth to make the claim that a man who has stayed in power for 30 years through numerous failed elections and countless corruption claims.  It is blatantly clear when your country rates a 3.1 on a scale to 10 for trust and transparency in government.  Perhaps claims of voter fraud and tampering are not that far off when you live in a country with that kind of rating.

But the guy finally started to do the right thing by saying that he would no longer stand for election in September which would in effect end his 30 year rule.  Apparently that didn’t sit well with the people of Egypt.  They denounced this as a trick and took to the streets to see that the leader would be ousted immediately.  If you needed further confirmation about how much of a dick this guy was, just look to the fact that people were no longer willing to wait until September to kick this guy out of office.  To give you some context, this would be like having your friend crashing on your couch telling you he’s going to move out at the end of the month, and your first reaction is to carry his free-loading ass out of the apartment.  Clearly there was some pent up emotion.

This clash of supporters and protestors inevitably turned bloody given the passion and change that people wanted to see from their government.  While we as Americans stood in awe of these people’s sacrifice for their government, it is also important note that we don’t have to suffer through the same ruler for 30 years (we just get stuck with representatives that just won’t go away).

He just. Won't. Stop.

So, many watched with anticipation as to what was about to occur.  Would this man decide to relinquish power that he had held for 30 years?  Would he use his military on his own people?  Would he graciously bow out?  No, that would be too easy.  Defiance is a much nicer song to sing.  Listen, we get it.  You’ve been in power for a long time and its not something you want to give up. But seriously, most of your ALLIES were saying that you should step down.  Are you just a stubborn child who won’t accept when your time is up?  Seriously, these people were willing to die to stand in defiance of you, what makes you think this will make things any better for you in the long run?  Oh.  There you go.  Finally, you resign to give your people the opportunity to pursue elections for themselves.  They are moving so quickly that they were clearly starved for this opportunity.   And while I understand that a new government may not be the most friendly toward the USA; if they act like dicks, we will have no problem calling them on it.  But it was more important to get the biggest dick out of the way before passing judgment on dicks to be named later.  Thirty years in power and you got taken down by Mark Zuckerberg. We might want to cool it with these correlations.

Random out of order dick things that confuse me:

(Former) Congressman Christopher Lee (R-NY): Hey we have a theme going!  Well this one is almost too easy and less fun given the fact that this guy was a relatively low level representative.  Was it his insisting that he didn’t have a wife?  Was it that emails of him bragging about his fitness?  How about the fact that this even came out in the first place.  Seriously, this is DC life, they pretty much have things to ENCOURAGE THIS.  How about TigerText that deletes text messages after they are READ.  Listen I don’t condone this or anything but it clearly wasn’t that difficult for this woman to figure this out.  I’m honestly surprised the contact address wasn’t christopher.lee@mail.house.gov.  For every Chris Lee there is an Eliot Spitzer.  To be fair this would have been much less embarrassing in England.

NBA All-Star Uniforms:

Please tell me those things go UNDER the uniforms

Now I realize that All-Star games are hollow exhibition games that fail to draw most fan attention.  Even baseball’s attempt to put home field advantage on the line for the World Series hasn’t been the greatest.  The NHL had marginal success drafting the All-Star teams, and these two leagues do compete for success amongst viewers.  As much as fans will gripe, baseball and football will always be the largest sports and these niche sports will be competing for 3/4 in the rank.  But these uniforms are a poor attempt to spice up a dull exhibition game.  From what I can tell, these uniforms are there to whore out NBA players by replacing the normally baggy uniforms with the exact opposite.  The biggest travesty is that they will discriminate against some of their fans that may not be able to purchase these uniforms.

I'm sorry, we don't have a sausage skin in your size

Dick of the Week, Jan. 31 – Feb. 6: Daniel Snyder

8 Feb

This week’s Dick of the Week is Daniel Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins.  Now, I’m not a Redskins fan (thank God), but as a resident of the good city of DC, I can say that it’s difficult to escape the disdain in which Dan Snyder is held by most Washington fans.  Since Snyder purchased the team, the Redskins’ record is a mere 86-106, with only two seasons in which the ‘Skins finished above .500, a futile stretch by any definition.  And while Lions and Bills fans may shake their heads and point to their own teams’ futility, it is important to consider that not only has Snyder failed to bring success to the Redskins’ franchise, he has done so while drastically overspending for overrated free agents like DeAngelo Hall or Albert Haynesworth, only to see these greedy and immature athletes (surprise!) stop giving a shit about football once they start cashing their paychecks.  With 2010’s trade for Donovan McNabb, Redskins fans finally thought that perhaps Snyder had done something right and gotten them the franchise quarterback they so desperately needed; however, McNabb’s subsequent benching demonstrated that, hey, maybe the Eagles knew what they were doing when they traded their starting quarterback within the division.

Snyder’s history of incompetence is well documented, but I’m afraid I don’t want to delve into it here because I don’t want Snyder to, well, sue me.  Besides, the Washington media has covered Snyder for a solid decade now, and they can almost certainly do a better job than I can.  In fact, in November, Washington City Paper writer Dave McKenna wrote an article titled “The Cranky Redskins Fan’s Guide To Dan Snyder.”  The beginning of the article contains the following passage:

“So before we welcome the New Dan Snyder, let’s look back at the one we know. That’s the Dan Snyder who left his mark, or stain, on more than just a football team. That’s the Dan Snyder who got caught forging names as a telemarketer with Snyder Communications, made a great view of the Potomac River for himself by going all Agent Orange on federally protected lands, and lost over $121 million of Bill Gates’ money while selling an “official mattress” while in charge of Six Flags. That’s the Dan Snyder I’ve found to be the most fascinating and consistent man on the planet, responsible for the hilarious and/or heinous deeds outlined in the following pages.”

Yeah, it pretty much goes downhill from there.

Oh, Redskins fans. You are a silly bunch.

One would expect Snyder to take the article for what it is: a tortured Redskins fan expressing his frustration at the team’s lack of success by taking a few potshots at the owner.  Is the article malicious?  Certainly not.  It was almost certainly designed to give unhappy Redskins fans a few laughs, so as to momentarily forget that their multi-million dollar quarterback was sitting on the bench, their starting running back was out for the year, and their record-setting free agent defensive tackle was in a never-ending feud with, oh yes, their overrated coach.  Of course, that isn’t all Dan Snyder’s fault–but can you really fault Redskins fans for taking out a little anger with some (very funny) creative writing?

Dan Snyder sure can!

Indeed, Snyder’s attorney wrote a letter to the Washington City Paper essentially demanding that Dave McKenna be fired, or else legal action would be taken.  If you’d like a few laughs, you can read the letter itself here.

If you didn’t read the letter, Snyder’s attorney essentially states that McKenna made false allegations regarding Snyder’s alleged past transgressions (such as allegedly forging names as a telemarketer–Snyder really seemed to have a problem with that one), and that he has a history of negative coverage of the Redskins (which should be understandable since the Redskins’ record has been…you know…negative).  But the most laughable part of the letter comes when the lawyer essentially accuses McKenna of being “anti-Semitic.”  What evidence, you ask, do Snyder’s people produce to back up this claim?

This picture:

I...uh...no offense, but that accusation itself might reflect some anti-Semitism.

Is…is that picture anti-Semitic?  It’s certainly not flattering…but (and I’m just GUESSING, here) it looks to me like McKenna is, I don’t know, saying that Dan Snyder is the DEVIL.  Which I guess says something about our society that individuals like Dan Snyder are more worried about being portrayed as “stereotypical” Jews than they are about being portrayed as THE FUCKING DEVIL.  Granted, I’m not Jewish, so my grasp of Jewish persecution is tenuous at best, but…come on, it seems pretty Goddamn cut and dry in this case.

So, Dan Snyder has unbelievably thin skin.  We get that.  He also clearly has a tremendous lack of self-awareness, or he would realize the Dave McKenna’s article perfectly reflects how the majority of Redskins fans feel.  That lack of self-awareness has led many to point out that, by threatening a lawsuit, Snyder has entered a public relations battle that he has absolutely NO hope of winning.  In fact, one Washington Post writer even points out that the lawsuit may have even more damaging unintended consequences: the Redskins, who had been hoping to move their team offices back into DC, may find themselves continuing to be stranded outside the city.  Is it the end of the world?  No.  But it’s just one more inconvenience unwittingly foisted on the Redskins by their owner.

Oh, wait a minute.  Have I been saying that Snyder was threatening to sue?  My mistake!  As of February 2nd, Dan Snyder actually sued the Washington City Paper, digging himself even deeper into a hole of his own creation.  The media outrage has been swift and, in a word, hilarious.  The good people at Deadspin have started a feature called “We Are All Dave McKenna,” which will run every day until, in their words, “Snyder’s dumbass lawsuit gets thrown out of court.” We’ve got to respect that.  And while we don’t have the readership to make a daily feature worthwhile, we will follow their example and direct you to the Washington City Paper Legal Defense Fund, where readers can make a donation to the legal defense of the Washington City Paper.  Because I think we can all agree that our right to criticize the idiots in charge of our favorite sports teams is INALIENABLE!  Also, “freedom of the press,” or something.

Bill of Rights whatever, just shut up and let me criticize Jeremy Jacobs.

Snyder is a fool.  I say that not as a football fan criticizing his performance as owner, but as a human being criticizing whatever thought process went into this lawsuit.  When your team performs as badly as the Redskins have for the last ten years, the owner of the team is almost certainly going to take heat.  The fact that Daniel Snyder has made himself a public figure as a result of his aggressive personality and nonstop meddling in Redskins personnel decisions makes it even more certain that he will find himself in the line of fire, and often.

The story of Dan Snyder honestly makes me sad, because Snyder seems like one of us.  He made his fortune relatively young and decided to buy a football team, something that any of us would love to do.  The man has lived the dream.  But for Redskins fans, Dan Snyder’s dream has turned into their nightmare, as their rich, young, optimistic owner has turned into a hypersensitive bully, unable or unwilling to hear a negative word about his performance.  Snyder’s lawsuit will almost certainly be thrown out, but it has already told us more about how big of a dick Dan Snyder is than we honestly would have cared to know.

Honorable Mention:

Charlie Sheen: Honestly, I’m giving Charlie Sheen an honorable mention for no particular reason this week.  None at all.  It’s just…we haven’t really mentioned Charlie Sheen yet, and that is wrong.  Charlie Sheen is one of the biggest dicks in the entire world, and he manages to live a life that the rest of us would bomb a children’s hospital to live.  A short time ago, the man was hospitalized after a two-day coke bender spent partying with five porn stars.  That doesn’t even make him a dick, that just…Goddammit, Sheen!  We might just have to give him an honorary Mel Gibson Lifetime Achievement Award.

Hero of the Week:

This is a feature that I have not done before, but I’ll be damned if I’m not giving it out this week to a real, true hero.

Paul Haggis: No doubt none of you have ever heard of Paul Haggis.  Haggis was a top level Scientologist who became disenchanted with the “Church.”  He left Scientology and helped the New Yorker write a lengthy and comprehensive exposé on its devious practices.  That exposé is now available for all to read, and we recommend that you do.  Our distaste for Scientology is well documented in previous posts, and we firmly believe in the notion that the more you know about cults, the less likely you are to be brainwashed by them.  Enjoy the article; you probably have only a limited time in which to do so before the Church of Scientology sues them and forces its removal.

Dick of the Week, Jan. 24-Jan. 31: Robert Burton

7 Feb

Well we are all late this week so we have to start with something that makes sense.  Money.  Money makes the world go round.  In America, in Europe, and in all of our colleges.  And, money apparently does have a very big impact on college athletics (Supposedly).  Oh wait, I didn’t go to a big name school, sorry.  But apparently most big name schools will have big name donors fund their athletic departments for things such as scholarships, facilities, trips, and to sign players.  The argument for all this expense is that it brings positive attention to the college and much of the benefit will trickle down to the entire student body.  Fair point, I suppose.  We aren’t going to get into the cloak and dagger of the BCS or the whistle blowing of Death to the BCS, which happened to report that Florida made $47,000 total winning a national championship (That’s like 2 AND A HALF scholarships).  The NCAA yanks schools around but what most of us don’t see is what the donors do to the schools.

Robert Burton is an exceedingly wealthy man who clearly is very passionate about football.  He has, until now, graciously donated millions of dollars to The University of Connecticut (UConn)’s budding football program, which recently enjoyed its best season ever.  However, as does happen in life, the football coach saw a greater opportunity and decided to depart for another university; leaving UConn with the task of replacing him.  Fair enough.  And one can reasonably expect that many people were consulted in the decision to hire a new coach.  Robert Burton felt his voice fell, shall we say, on deaf ears.  He felt so disrepected that he has taken the liberty of severing all financial ties with the university and demanding the return of over 3 Million dollars.

YOINK!

He has even gone as far as to salt the earth by giving up his pricey box seats, ceasing all of his company’s training at the university and stopping all of his ad buys for UConn.  At first glance, yes this man is a massive dick.  Anyone who would take the time to curse a university that they once loved has to reconsider their priorities.  And secondly, we can guess the new coach and athletic directors’ days are numbered. But the thing that shocks me the most is how this information is being received by the masses.

“I think that Bob Burton is passionate,” said state Rep. Livvy Floren, R-149th District, a friend of the Burtons. “He’s passionate about his family. He’s passionate about his business and he’s very passionate about football.”  Umm ok, lets focus more on the fact that this man is taking away money from an educational institution, right?  I mean can we talk about how this will hurt UConn academically, let alone the football team?  This was such a damn emergency that the GOVERNOR had to get involved.  Wow, no public outrage?  Does this not seem petty to anyone else?  I guess the state of Connecticut is more worried about the death of its football funding than it is about the university as a whole.  They decided it was better to try and pander to him.

Guess who's going to foot the bill?

This is a classic case of the inmates running the asylum.  Universities have to cater to donors, but it has gotten to the point where the donors can get away with dictating to them.  Well they just didn’t talk to him enough, he’s just really passionate about football.  Yeah yeah, we get that.  But if he doesn’t have a say in your program’s final decision, you’ll lose his money?  And this is just Connecticut, I can’t imagine what the pull of these donors can be in Texas and Ohio.  At the end of the day, this just shows how much of a farce the “scholar athlete” is.  It’s all about catering to these people to play well for your school so you can get more money.  It’s not as much about making sure these athletes are properly prepared for the real world.  I mean 78% of them go bankrupt a short time after retiring from the pros, so clearly they learned how to manage their lives at these institutions.  But what can we expect when we put cameras on these kids when they just SIGN A LETTER OF INTENT. They aren’t there to learn, they are there to play.

The point is, this man is a dick for yanking the university around for not getting what he wants.  He may or may not have been consulted but clearly he wasn’t going to be happy unless they hired THE guy he wanted.  But also, the university is right behind because they are allowing this to occur.  Is it a broken system?  Maybe.  But it would be nice to see someone stand up.  It’s not like we are going to see a stem in the tide of impropriety that happens with a lot of these athletes because they feel entitled.  The students will end up being the ones to suffer the most because I don’t see college tuition going down any time soon.

Commendable Dick-tion: Matt Hasselbeck:Ha! a pun.  Yes, I will usually mock those who use puns, but for now this will be the exception that proves the rule.  “Somebody ask Cromartie if he knows what CBA stands for.” I give Matt props for calling a spade a spade.  While Cromartie might have made some good points about how the strike could impact players who have surgery because they can’t rehab if the strike happens, it’s just hilarious that Matt would make that joke.  I mean realistically, if his comments were off base, he would not have gotten so angry when it happened, right?

Tim Hardaway: Ok.  Athletes are bad with money. I get it.  But then we hear this.  Well good for you.  You got a bail out.  46.6 Millions dollars during your playing career, and you need a bail out for the house you can’t afford.  Nice.  I’m sure most American’s would agree you deserve it after you wisely spent your money.

Dick of the Week, Jan. 17-23: Jeff Pearlman and Sofia Black D’Elia

1 Feb

Yeah, I’m late. A week late, in fact.  But fuck you, I can be late once in a while.  It’s been a long week.

Usually it’s not that difficult to choose a Dick of the Week.  Oh, there are tough calls, for sure, but usually one dick of another rises to the top and demonstrates that they are, in fact, the Dick of the Week.  Not so for last week.  No, there were two candidates for the title last week, each incredibly deserving of the award.  In the end, I elected to forgo the difficult and certainly arduous task of choosing between them, instead electing to allow them to share the award.  Would they be pissed if they knew?  Probably.  Which makes it all the better for me.  Let’s start with Mr. Pearlman, shall we?

Jeff Pearlman is a writer for Sports Illustrated.  Yes, Sports Illustrated still exists.  I was surprised, too!  Since I was surprised that SI is still in publication at all, it should not surprise you that I have never read any of Mr. Pearlman’s writing.  He may be a fantastic writer (probably not, since ESPN hasn’t hired him away–just kidding!); I simply can’t say one way or the other.  But one thing that I can say for sure about him is that he has exceptionally thin skin.

But he looks so professional.

Jeff Pearlman apparently discovered that the internet is not a land of civility where everyone says nice things about one another.  When a few of Mr. Pearlman’s Twitter followers said some not very nice things about him, Pearlman decided to, in true serial killer form, track them down and call them at home. Just like any reasonable person would do.

Obviously Jeff was unhappy with being insulted.  Which is understandable.  Not everyone thrives on abuse like we do here.  However, here is one exceprt from the article:

When I later noted to Matt, via Twitter, that my 7-year-old daughter happened to be next to me when I clicked on the picture, he wrote: “lmao. You’re so full of —-.”

Now, that’s not all that unreasonable.  Except that the NEXT LINE IN THE ARTICLE is: “Normally, this sort of thing doesn’t faze me. Write sports for a living (especially online, as I do for SI.com), insults come with the turf.”

Let me get this straight, Jeff.  You are fully aware of the fact that people insult each other on the internet, and also understand that you, as a sports writer for a major publication, often come directly in the line of fire of foul mouthed people who want to make you feel bad.  And, while understanding both of these things (I cannot emphasize that enough), you STILL chose to look at what people were saying about you on Twitter with your 7-year-old daughter on your lap.  Okay, while “Matt” may be an asshole, YOU sir are an idiot.

And the worst part is…well, the fact that that isn’t even the worst part.  Pearlman really did track down two of his “haters” and phone them at their homes.  “I wanted to bash him,” Pearlman says. “I wanted to plaster his name, address and personal information atop a column on CNN.com, so that when someone Googled his name for future employment, they’d find the words “Sent me a link to pornographic material.” What’s worse, that Pearlman was overcome with total rage over being sent porn (something that every single person in the world, famous or not, has had happen to them) or that he thinks that a potential employer would really care?  How does Pearlman think that exchange would go down?

Potential Employer 1: “Well, I like this Matt guy a lot.”
Potential Employer 2: “Yes, I agree. Seems like a perfect candida—-wait, WAIT A MINUTE.  JEFF PEARLMAN SAYS THIS MAN LIKES PORN.”
Potential Employer 1: “How does Jeff Pearlman even know this man?  No no, never mind. Just banish him!”

"Sure he's an expert in the field, but PORN."

Pearlman notes that, in the end, he actually liked the individuals that he called.  He uses this as a lesson on how even the best of people lose their civility when they take to the internet, attempting to teach all of us that we really should behave online.  And while this may be a worthwhile lesson, the fact that Pearlman thinks that we can learn anything from his experience tells me that he has absolutely no idea that his behavior is really much closer to “insane psychopath” than “teacher.”  Pearlman, you’re a huge dick.  And please, PLEASE call me at home and I will explain why.  You probably will not like me as much as “Matt.”

Sofia Black D’Elia is another story altogether, though she, too, had exhibited as severe a case of being out of touch with reality as I have ever seen.

Sofia is an actress in the new MTV show Skins, which has come under fire recently due to the fact that it, you know, appears to violate those pesky child pornography laws.  In fairness though, how was MTV supposed to know that portraying children having sex on screen would be considered “child porn?”  There was really just no way for them to prepare themselves for that.  The show is apparently on the verge of cancellation now, but that hasn’t stopped Sofia from stepping out and defending the show.

Let’s start with the obvious.  Look, MTV. We know you think you’re “racy.”  We know you’re really, REALLY stretching for quality programming.  We know you need a hit show to get back on top.  BUT YOU CAN’T FUCKING HAVE KIDS HAVING SEX ON SCREEN. YOU JUST CAN’T.  I know it’s a hard concept.  I know.  But sometimes you actually CAN’T do things you want to do.

Snooki: legal. Skins cast: not legal. Wow, I just made myself sad.

But MTV’s stupidity does not trump that of it’s star(?) actress Sofia, who firmly believes that she has her finger on the pulse of America.  “All I can say is that as an actor on the show I’m proud of everything that we’ve done,” she says. “We created something that we really care about. We feel the show has so much heart and so much potential and can impact so many teenagers.” And while it’s certainly understandable to be proud of a show that you are a part of, the idea that she is CHANGING THE LIVES of teens across the globe simply by having lesbian sex on screen is arrogant, to say the least.  Hell, if having hot, hot sex on screen was enough to change world, I would happily lead the philanthropy parade.

Addressing concerns about the show’s impact on kids, she goes on to say, “we’re not raising America’s children, parents are!  If you’re nervous about it, watch it with them. Maybe it will be a great conversation starter on topics they normally aren’t comfortable talking about with their kids, like sex and drugs.”

Now, this tells me that Sofia Black D’Elia simply does not have parents.  She must not.  Because anyone with parents would know that, between the ages of 3 years old and, I don’t know, DEATH, the LAST things that anyone wants to talk about with their parents are sex and drugs.  Oh, and by the way, if it takes an alcohol-induced lesbian cheerleader sex scene on MTV to get you to broach those subjects with your kids, YOU’RE A REALLY SHITTY PARENT.

Worst of all, though, was this comment from Sofia:  “Everyone in our cast is under 20 so that immediately, I think, kind of puts people on edge ‘cause these are real teenagers doing these things. It’s what teens are doing, the way teenagers behave…drugs all of that and the sex they’re vices and that’s what teenagers have.”

Pictured: vices.

Look, Sofia.  Maybe some people would give you the benefit of the doubt on this, but give me a fucking break.  You are a (barely) 19-year-old Hollywood starlet.  The idea that you know what “real teenagers” are doing would be laughable if it weren’t so Goddamn insulting.  To imply that your alcoholic, sex-crazed, popular cheerleader lesbian character represents what you would have us believe to be common teen issues is just…just stupid.  You’re stupid.

The fact is that Hollywood actors have been trying to tell us how to behave for ages, making us believe that they know what’s happening in the “real world” better than we do.  And it’s always insulting.  But a 19-year-old telling parents that they have “serious trust issues” because they won’t let their kids watch what is apparently legally child porn probably crosses a line that would make even George Clooney say, “jeez, that’s a little pretentious.”

So Sofia, shut the fuck up.  Jeff, you too.  These two were such dicks last week that we have our first joint award, and damned if they don’t both deserve it.

Honorable Mentions:

Jermaine Pennant: Most of you have probably never heard of Jermaine Pennant.  He is a soccer player for the English Premier League club Stoke City.  Although Stoke are a terrible team, Jermaine clearly is not wanting for cash, as he recently forgot that he owned a Porsche.  He parked the car at a Spanish train station, and there it sat for over a month, accumulating tickets, until it registered with someone that the Porsche with the license plate that read “P33NNT” might belong to Pennant.  Yeah, Pennant forgot he owned a car that costs more money than most of us make in a year.

 

Dick of the Week, Jan. 10-16: Eric Fuller

18 Jan

Regular readers will no doubt remember my last two posts and understand that the Arizona shooting tragedy was an event that affected me deeply.  Those who attempted to capitalize politically off of the tragedy should be ashamed of themselves, from Paul Krugman to Jonathan Alter to Sarah Palin for using the term “blood libel” to those who attacked Sarah Palin for using the term “blood libel.”  All dicks, every one of them.  And while Alter and Krugman were probably the most egregious violators of Wheaton’s Law, there were a few others who managed to separate themselves from the pack.  Eric Fuller is one such person.

Mr. Fuller not only demonstrated his dickishness, he did it a week later, allowing us to stretch this tragedy out even further and giving Godawful cable news networks even more material to run with.  You see, Eric Fuller was a survivor of the original shooting which left Rep. Gabrielle Giffords hospitalized and six others dead.  Fuller was hit by one of Jared Loughner’s bullets that day, but was thankfully able to drive himself to the hospital to receive treatment.  How did Mr. Fuller choose to celebrate his release from the hospital?  Perhaps he went off to celebrate life and reflect on how lucky he was?

Perhaps he went where we go to celebrate life.

None of the above, I’m afraid.  Instead, this past Saturday, Mr. Fuller elected to go to an event hosted by Tea Party spokesman Trent Humphries and Republican State Rep. Terri Proud.  There, Mr. Fuller did what we expect anyone who just went through a near death experience would do: he began to heckle and boo the speakers, causing a general disruption.  Naturally when you’ve just lived through a public massacre perpetrated by an unbalanced-looking gentleman with a gun, the first thing you want to do is disrupt a public forum while appearing to be unbalanced.

Amazingly, that appeared to be Mr. Fuller’s thought, as his next move was the more insidious one.  After the speakers had made some comments that he disagreed with, Mr. Fuller stood up, took a picture of Mr. Humphries with his camera, and announced, “you’re dead.”

Kind of seems like not much more needs to be said on that score.  Having just had his life threatened by a gun-toting maniac, Mr. Fuller decided to make death threats against those he, apparently, disagreed with politically.  Not the smartest of moves, but we’ll give him credit for having balls of steel.  Not surprisingly, Mr. Fuller was escorted from the premises by deputies immediately and “involuntarily” checked into a mental institution for psychiatric evaluation.
Naturally, Fuller drew praise from some left-wing sources, such as Eric Boehlert, of Media Matters.  Boehlert mockingly states that unjust smearing of Fuller would begin immediately.  Of course, this must have been before a little bit of evidence showed up that Fuller might just be as crazy as he seems.  The Tucson Citizen turned up a host of radical and inappropriate comments from Fuller.  Let’s look at a few of them:

“It looks like Palin, Beck, Sharron Angle and the rest got their first target,” Fuller said. (Democracy Now interview)

Mr. Fuller spoke dismissively of Republicans during the interview. “They appeal to simple-minded rednecks,” he said. (New York Times interview, via RedState)

In the interview, he repeatedly denounced the “Tea Party crime syndicate[.] ” (New York Times interview, via RedState)

The Tea Party, maybe.

Does it seem hypocritical for anyone to defend Fuller after the barrage of hatred and blame placing that followed the Arizona shootings?  And even after all the calls for unity and peace, are we surprised that someone would do something like this?  Speaking personally, I can’t say I am.

Is there a silver lining?  Perhaps.  Mr. Fuller saved a little face by apologizing a few days later, saying that he deeply regrets the incident and really wishes that he could take it all back.  Well of course.  Fuller demonstrated that he isn’t very self-aware, but it would take a Palin-esque lack of self-awareness to not realize that he seriously fucked up.  Still, we do give him a minutia of credit for apologizing.  However grudging it may have been, it’s still a major step up on a lot of other Dicks of the Week.  But for turning massive public goodwill on its head just for the sake of threatening a minor Tea Party operative, Eric Fuller is, hands down, your Dick of the Week.

Honorable Mentions:

Anyone Who Gives A Shit About The Zodiac Changes: Yes, I know our friend Shenanigans already did a Hall of Fame post on a similar topic, but honestly.  It’s pretty crucial to note that it’s not as though the Earth shifted positions last night.  This “change” has been true for hundreds (if not thousands) of years, it’s just that someone now decided to point it out on (GOD FORBID) the internet.  Oh, and anyone who didn’t notice the part about how none of this matters unless you were born after 2009 is also a fucking moron.  Of course, none of this matters anyway because if you believe in astrology you are already a colossal fucktard and we do not want you reading our blog. Seriously. Click the X, assholes.

Rex Ryan: GOOOOOOOO TOOOOOOOOO HELLLLLLLLL. And that’s all I have to say about that. At least until you die of heart failure and I can dance on your grave, you gigantic fat fuck.