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Softball on the National Mall

12 Jun

Greetings to all.  Yes, we have returned from a brief hiatus to inform you of the people that we think are dicks in this world.  In the coming weeks we will continue to point out the most abhorrent people out there (famous and lesser known);  while at the same time, pushing to further explore the depths of meaning in the word “dick”.  We will not be doing the traditional “Dick of the Week” or “Dick Hall of Fame”.  Those titles can be rather restricting, so we are just going to inform you of a dick and give you as much information as we can at that time.  Now, let me draw your attention to a new phenomena which has drawn our ire lately.

Can you spot the American pastime?

For those who are unaware, the national mall is listed as having 15 softball fields on its premises.  15?  Really?  Where do they happen to partake in this activity?  On the grass in the middle of the mall.  Oh, that seems a little odd but let’s go further to explore this topic.  For the record, we are not against beer league softball.  If anyone needs THAT much of an excuse to sit around and drink with a bunch of people, more power to you.  Softball is the sport for you.  But the problem lies more with the type of people and location.  From experience, this environment is ripe for exerting dickish qualities.  The first example is the mutual circle jerk of past accomplishments.  Many of these participants are quick to point out that they were the MAN when they were in high school.  They were great athletes at every sport, and that makes them the best slow-pitch softball player around.  Phrases such as: Dude I was such a good baseball player back in the day or I was really good at baseball but decided to focus on other things.   Yeah, no. We totally believe you.  This completely explains why you are on a co-ed softball team and not playing on a major league baseball team right now.  And I am sure that you were the man on your Division 3C state championship team back in Delaware.  Next there is that element of taking the game just too damn seriously.

Even Kramer says that's a dick move

These are the guys you played flag football with back in college who took the time to draw up a play book and would actually call out plays instead of pointing at someone and saying “Run over there.”  Seriously, you have to accept that your athletic dream just didn’t happen, and the slow-pitch softball league is just not the place to let out your pent-up frustration.

But no, some players take the time to cut the sleeves off their 10 dollar team shirt with a terrible pun on it (Seriously why?).  You can also tell exactly who plays in these leagues because they are the ones who walk on the metro with their old bat bags from high school.  We get it, you play in a softball league, we don’t care.  And there is absolutely no chance of us engaging you to talk about it.  Though these are the guys you have to watch out for on the field because once they get those guts moving, Newton’s laws of motion allow them to put a bit of power into those fluttering pitches.  And those metal bats—wait, metal bats?  You guys use metal bats on the mall?  What is this, Tee Ball?  The mall is a tenth of a mile wide.  You need a metal bat to help you get that little bit of extra power to hit a larger ball thrown to you underhand?  Clearly that girl you’ve been hitting on is going to have to rethink your gallant sports stories from high school.  This is one of the few times that I will say safety is a slight issue.  The National Mall is a very high traffic area, and if you foul off a pitch (doesn’t seem that unlikely) you take the head off of anyone because honestly, it’s not a setting that one should be expecting to be struck by a ball.  By no means am I advocating for the safety tourists, in fact, I find the masses of color coordinated shirts to be rather terrifying.  And it should be legal to put your shoulder into the couple standing on both sides of the escalator when you’re trying to catch your train.  But I digress…

Playing these leagues on the mall really tears up the grass and ruins it for the rest other people because of cleats and those bases shoved into the ground.   Are we that worried that the integrity of this game will be tarnished if you home plate moves around? Because it’s not like the fees for the mall are covering the costs to regrow the grass.

The receding hairline of our nation

And at the end of the day, this is just an excuse to go out and drink away the dregs of the day, and it doubles as a shallow attempt to meet women.  Which I would not have a problem with if it wasn’t in such a public area.  A bunch of sweaty overweight congressional workers is not what our country wants to see.  Just go to the bars, please.  It’s just cutting out the middle man at this point, and we can stop the fake competitiveness.  This is just a poor attempt at socialization and half the time the teams are barely able to field full lineups.  Overall, things will be a lot better if they either stop playing these leagues on the mall or find somewhere else to play them.  And, if you’re going to drive around the mall screaming to your team that you JUST need to find parking, chances are we have labeled you a dick.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #17/Everyday Dicks: The Condescending Vegetarian

23 Feb

Well I feel like this hybrid post requires some explaining to all of you.  See the two of us had been talking about a few things; mostly that we just hated judgmental vegetarians, how much we LOVED meat, and how I have been quite lazy and owe our loyal viewers another post or two.  Am I being a little lazy combining two posts I normally do?  Oddly not.  For you see, we had discussed how to bring this topic to the front, but we weren’t sure how to classify it.  I think we all know an irritating vegetarian as much as we have heard of a celebrity or two who just loves to report about how terrible it is to eat meat.  So, I didn’t think I could keep this to a short post, and I didn’t want to lose the Everyday Dick aspect of this.  Spoiler: I am sitting here drinking whiskey next to a slab of bacon just like any Red Blooded American. So, I think we really need to set this topic up with some clarifications.

First, I have to clarify that I have no problem with people who are vegetarians.  Honestly, I don’t care what you eat, it doesn’t bother me.  It’s like my opinion of gay people: do I care if men have sex with men?  No, just don’t do it in front of me.  I don’t want to see some 75-year old politician having sex anymore than I want to see gays having sex.  I think this is one of the main topics of this blog; we don’t care what you do with your life, we just care if you insist on shoving it in our faces.  So, to the point, we don’t care that people are vegetarians (for the most part) What we do care about… people who like to make carnivores feel guilty.  You all know this person, you don’t see someone (College, Job, Etc.) for a while or someone moves away and they come back to inform you, “Oh, I decided to become a vegetarian, and stopped eating all meat.”  Fine, something going on in your life that you decided to inform me of, but they just can’t help themselves.

“I just stopped eating meat, I realized it was murder.”

“Can you believe that people still eat meat, no one I know does that anymore.”

“I don’t understand how anyone can eat meat.”

Ok, that’s enough.  It’s nice that you have made a change to your life that you see as positive, but thank you for laboring under the assumption that I have done the same.  Guess what, I haven’t.  And I have no plan to do so.  Because you found some new age religion, met a girlfriend who made you do this, or did this because you thought it was cool, I have decided to stop giving you the benefit of the doubt.  Now you get to know what I think.

I am going to shamelessly plug Epic Meal Time right here.  It is out of context, but I think they have some of the coolest videos I have ever seen.

Speaks for itself.

Moving on, meat is awesome.  I love bacon.  Bacon is one of the greatest gifts man has received.  And there are some interesting things that you will hear from these vegetarians (besides them calling you murders for you actions).  Because they don’t eat meat, they will freak out if they don’t get enough protein because they cannot get what they need from vegetables.  My favorite example of this was a friend who kept a jar of peanut butter next to his bed because he loved peanut butter.  Which was funny and gross until he became allergic to peanuts.  Meat is part of a basic diet, so you need to compensate for taking it out.  As humans, we climbed to the top of the food chain for a reason.

Nature

I don’t think there is anything wrong with eating meat, I just don’t want to have to think about my diet in terms of math.  I don’t want to think about the plant that is going to give me enough protein to survive a simple day of work.  Most people choose to eat meat because it tastes good and it’s easy.  And I will remind you vegetarians that the one thing that you CAN’T replicate with tofu is bacon.  Bacon may be the silver bullet to bring you to our side, I don’t see vegetables doing that to us carnivores.

But what do the celebrities think?  What do the people think?  Adam Richmond is the star of a food show called Man v. Food where he consumes copious amounts of fat laden food..especially piles of meat.  This show has become such a niche classic I’m tempted to call it the Crocodile Hunter of this decade (RIP Steve Irwin).

Ironic death: Starvation

Celebrities, as we have pointed out, have unique opportunities to garner public attention and raise awareness of issues.  Fair enough, we simply don’t have the microphone that these people do.  But its when they make videos that our vegetarian friends like to inform us of such as this.  This is a deeply graphic and disturbing video that most people would not like to see.  It is footage of meat plants and how animals are treated when they are slaughtered.  Again back to our original point, we derive no pleasure from the slaughter of these animals, it is simply our food source and we enjoy it for a number of reasons.  Do you think this is funny, does this amuse you showing people what happens to animals because you think it will change us?  I agree that these animals should be treated more humanely but there are 300 million people to feed in this country and these ranchers don’t always have the time and space to treat these animals as humanely as we would like.  And I’m not sure how animals would react to the choice of a painful death or pleasant death.  They would probably just say, “You’re going to do WHAT to me?!?!”  Ok, you want to play this game? Let’s play.

There are over 300 million people in this country and over 7 billion people in the world, how do you expect to feed them all? With 1.6 billion people living in poverty and over 16,000 kids starving to death every year, I don’t think these people have the time to be picky eaters.   At the end of the day it costs a lot more to be a vegetarian.  Salads are more expensive than those dollar cheeseburgers McDonald’s likes to sell.  And, as we have said, most people don’t have the time and energy to go and buy vegetables to engineer their diets (or they just can’t afford it).  So maybe you should think about it next time you try to tell someone they are a terrible person for eating meat. Oh god, seriously don’t click on that link, I’m not sure what it is but I wasn’t going to stick around long enough to find out.

Am I defending carnivores? Yes, as long as it takes for these overzealous vegetarians to chill out.  I just think that most people want to live their lives, and there are more factors in their life than whether or not they eat vegetables.  Now to show that there are no hurt feelings…for the vegetarians.

Everyday Dick: The Elderly Motorist

8 Feb

Hey there loyal followers, we wanted to keep you mildly entertained by trying to post semi-frenquently this week.  And this week is bursting with people who take little to no consideration of others and/or self promoting themselves for inane reasons (i.e. dicks.  I went with a vague definition instead of making up a word).  Anyhoo, the whole lack of consideration for others ties very well into this topic because I cannot tell you how much old people driving pisses me off.  If it were up to me I would mandate everyone over 65 to take a driving test to prove that they can reach/maintain at least 65 (well that’s irony) miles per hour while driving.

No! Don't Look at ME! Merge! Merge! MERGE DAMN YOU!

Now I know what you’re all thinking: Isn’t speeding the biggest reason people die while driving?  I won’t disagree, people are dicks.  They like to get into there overpriced cars and burn rubber which leads to people dying.  But at the same point that doesn’t make GOING TOO SLOW that much safer.  You see these little old grandmothers who can’t see over the damn steering wheel putt-putting along at 35 mph on I-95.  What, that’s safe?  If you get stuck behind that car you’re going to die trying to merge with traffic going 65+.  And to be honest, most of us have to speed just to merge into the damn lanes.  What happens if you get lost behind one of these dinosaurs?

The point is, many of these people have led fulfilling lives (Maybe).  And the last things they want to cling to are there vestibules of independence; whether it be cars, homes, and shopping.  I am not trying to take 2 of those things from you.  But seriously, if you have to get out of your car to get ticket to enter a parking lot when you can’t even realize that the damn entry gate is open because Saturdays are free…WE HAVE A PROBLEM.  God forbid someone cuts you off.  The truth is you simply cannot process information quickly enough to stay on the road.  You either a) irritate the crap out of anyone who ends up behind you at a light making a left turn or b) put many of us at risk because you drive so much slower than the rest of us.  And you simply act like dicks every time you persuade your kids to let you keep driving.  It’s all I’ve got left to live for. Nice try but I am not convinced.  But hey it can’t be that bad, right?  Older drivers are more likely than younger ones to be involved in multi-vehicle crashes, particularly at intersections.  WHAT!  God DAMN IT!   I know what can fix this.

Euthanize, who doesn't want to be younger?-Harvey Birdman

I don’t care who you are, that joke’s a scream.  Good thing the vast majority of the people who fit this profile probably don’t have internet access.

Everyday Dick: The Resolution Topper

4 Jan

What, What 2011.  Yet another year has started and we are always asked the same questions.  Did you make a New Year’s Resolution?  Are you going to stick to it?  What are you going to aspire to? I like to answer these questions with “No”, “No” and “Bill Clinton”  But I digress.  Most people like to begin this year with setting out simple goals for personal improvement.  We here at Dick of the Week don’t like to chastise those who have sincere goals of self-improvement.  Finally applying to grad school, only drinking one cup of coffee a day, going for a walk in the morning.  All of these are realistic/attainable goals.  We don’t begrudge those who want to make two maybe three goals a year.  Have at it.  I’m certainly not going to change, but you have every right to.

3! 2! 1! Shit, time to lose weight

Our point is…Maybe we didn’t want to make a resolution because we don’t need some arbitrary date to tell us to drop a few pounds.  Maybe we didnt’t need prompting from a calendar to motivate ourselves to do something.  This “Resolution” phenomenon is irritating because it starts the same way EVERY YEAR.  People get hammered on New Years and wake up hungover determined to change their lives (probably from the social sting of all the crap they did the night before).  Instead of accepting this, they take off on these unrealistic goals to a) inflate their egos because they are taking part in such outlandish goals b) pander for acceptance from their actions.

They have to draw a line for what is an "exercise" machine

Am I a little cynical? Absofuckinglutely.  But am I so cynical that I imagine the 45 people in the gym that used to average 5 people?  Am I cynical when I have to try to shove my lunch into a communal fridge stuffed with WHOLE cabbages?  No.  Cabbages, honestly.  It’s not the person who cuts something out of their diet to lose weight; it’s the person who decides to go on a fresh vegetable diet which requires them to basically eat half a produce section every day.  It’s the person who boldly declares that they will be going to the gym instead of going to their lunch hour.  They care that much only to simply walk on the treadmill.  Really?   If you want to lose weight, WALK HOME.  And in the end, I wouldn’t have to get this angry at you people if you just STUCK TO YOUR RESOLUTIONS.

But, do you know why I knew there were only about 5 people in the gym at a time?  Because that’s the damn average 10-11 months out of the year.  Every year, February hits and we see a dramatic drop-off in attendance.  Suddenly, the guy who was eating a salad every day brought in a burger from home.  Oh it was leftovers and I didn’t want it to go bad. Uh huh.  Yeah, sure.  We believe you.  Stick to your resolutions people.  If it’s going to be something you don’t think you can maintain…why are you setting the bar so high?  Don’t lose 50 pounds, lose 5.  Instead of driving the quarter-mile to the train, walk.  And if you’re going to make a resolution about your life, don’t stand on a pedestal to make the rest of us feel that we should have done the same.  Many of us just don’t care what you’re doing.

Everyday Dicks: The Early Shopper

29 Dec

Because it happens to be the holidays, we wanted to keep you up on exactly who we thought were dicks in this world (and nothing brings out the dick in people more than the holidays).  So, being that the major holidays are over, it is time to reflect with friends and kin about people and actions that we all find objectionable.  Some people talk about the bowl games that happened, some people talk about all the food they ate/the weight they need to lose weight, and some people just won’t shut the hell up about the fantastic job they did shopping this holiday season.  I think you see where I am going with this one.  That is your everyday dick.

Holiday shopping is a rough time of the year.   Seemingly decent people will rain blows upon each other to obtain trinkets to appease their friends and family.  Many of us “say” we are going to accomplish all of these tasks at a reasonable hour, but few are able to do so.  There are usually many people on our lists, we all have busy schedules, we are only human.  But some people do have the foresight to plan ahead and get all of their shopping done, and that’s commendable.  But they just can’t keep their mouths shut, can they?

Look! They even existed in the 1920s!

These are the people who always like to rattle off the names and gifts for EVERYONE in their family.  From little Johnny with the skateboard to elderly grandmother who gets the records of the slightly racist swing music she adored SO much.  What makes it worse; you don’t tell us this information on the 20th or the 15th.  No, you’re the prick who tells us the day after Thanksgiving that you had already been shopping FOR A MONTH.  You were so preoccupied with getting gifts that you started before Thanksgiving?  What is wrong with you people?  And this vicious cycle aways leads us to feel guilty and run out on December 23rd to attempt to finish all of our shopping even if we know we are trying to pass off a collander as a cool gift for a 9 year-old (It was supposed to be a helmet, ok?).  What’s worse?  While we are all fighting tooth and nail to get our gifts and get out, these pricks are AT THE STORE.  These people seem to love shopping so much that they want to be there just to get in on all the last minute deals.

We all need to take a minute and ask why?  But there is no answer.  These people seem hell bent on proving their societal worth based solely upon their abilities to provide amazing gifts for everyone around them.  We wouldn’t have a problem with this if they didn’t feel the need to brag about it.  It’s one thing to try to make someone happy.  That’s commendable and deserving of gratification from your peers.  But to use that accomplishment to lord over the people around you because they didn’t put in the 800 hours shopping that you did?  Well that just sounds like a dick.

Everyday Dicks: Tupperware Co-worker

19 Dec

Greetings all on this holiday season.  I would like to give you all an early gift of a new posting category we will be doing periodically to keep you all interested.  Our normal sections deal expressly with the grandiose actions that public figures can make.  While these people will usually be the Dicks of the Week because of their resources and attention to do so;  that does not mean that an everyday person’s actions can and/or should go un-noticed.   Regular people can certainly be dicks too.  While you may not KNOW this person, you certainly know someone like them.  And without further ado, I give you the Tupperware Co-Worker.

This particular dick sinks up well with the holidays because many people are taking the time to make cookies, brownies and other eatables to share with the office.  Very nice, we have no problem with these people even if they might make us feel a little guilty about not doing the same.  And we certainly will not fault the person who takes 2 or 3 cookies back to their desk to enjoy.  It’s only natural.

If it keeps them from going postal

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