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BREAKING NEWS: Being alive increases chances of death

27 Jun

Greetings loyal readers!  It is time for me to explain my extremely cryptic title.  Sorry, unfortunately this is not a joke….By being alive, you increase your chances of dying.   This is my attempt to digest the alarming trend in health related news that I have noticed and my attempt to explain it.  Now these stories spark the interest of the average reader because they seem simple enough, person X didn’t know what that swelling in the back of their throat was.  Oh it’s nothing, just let it go.  Get’s larger, cold drugs don’t work.  They decide to see a doctor and BAM cockroach in the throat!..Wait that was an urban legend?  But it didn’t stop the news media from writing about it, did it?

For you see, this area of news reporting is very easy to mistake for completely legitimate.  They consult with doctors, they bring real cases, and they can do some real good by alerting people to take better care of themselves.  Hell we only need to glance at the obesity rate to realize that we are killing ourselves with food.  But just because Sanjay Gupta sounds legitimate every time, it doesn’t mean he’s not trying to serve you up a nice steaming pile of sensationalist crap (Not to pick on Dr. Gupta persay, he just happens to be a figure I’d assume you’d all recognize).  But let’s get started, shall we?

Not Sanjay Gupta

Dr. Gupta wrote an article praising a study about how to live to 100.  Very interesting tag line “Live to 100 years old.”  Who wouldn’t want to do that?  Well, me for one…but that has more to do with a fear of adult diapers and a hatred of needles, which seem impossible to avoid at that age.  But the article points out all the little things that we can do to increase our lifespan.  Flossing adds a year, a 5-day work week adds a year and a half,  and I will say I tried really hard to complete this survey thing but I am suspicious of anything that asks for my zip code.  I did take a look at the framework and its pretty simple (+1/-1).

Subtract 4 years from life expectancy

So you can add yourself up a pretty nice lifespan or you could end up dead.  Phrasing things this way can make people think that something such as life expectancy is so easy to control.  If go on a +30 years vegetarian diet and get hit by a bus, well shit that was a waste of time.  Not to be crass but this ultimately is a method to gauge your overall health and you shouldn’t try to sensationalize it by making it seem so concrete.  Do I think making some of the changes would be beneficial to the average person?  Yes.  Do I think you’re going to be able to pin point that flossing was the reason you checked out at 87 instead of 85?  Probably not.  But we can’t phrase it in general terms can we?  That’s not interesting!  Let’s go for another fun one.

This guy is clearly anxious

Sitting. Television.  For those of you rubes who were unaware, you are 18% more likely to die early if you watch a lot of television and 40% more likely to die prematurely if you sit a lot versus not sitting a lot.  Holy shit we are pretty much fucked, right?  I mean these are the big changes.  Yeah you could floss but your job has you sit 8 hours a day! Not to mention going home and sitting watching television.  We call that the death double team.  Now you have to choose either dying from sitting on your fat ass all day or living and starving to death standing around to be unemployed.  Quite the dilemma.  And as you read on, the author mentions heart disease and other obesity related maladies.  Hmm it couldn’t be that people who lead largely sedentary lifestyles are more likely to develop health problems that could lead to their premature death, could it?  The guy sitting on his couch 8 hours after 8 at work is probably also the guy who orders an entire pizza for dinner, but, no….that sounds reasonable.  No one would bother to read that.  Oh and thanks for just tossing in the whole “men are 20% more likely to die than women.”  Which happens to be a running theme of these articles.

What's the betting this has something to do with it?

Yes, many of these writers correctly ascertain that men are not the normal demographic of these pieces.  Clearly, they realize we just don’t care if that fourth beer is signing our own death warrant, you’re not going to change us.  But what if you scared the women around us into putting pressure on us?  For you see, these articles all ways refer to us as “men” or “your man”; while women are addressed as “you.”  And here is what women are being told about us.  Just take a minute to drink it all in.  It’s quite fantastic.  You can’t be tired, because you have sleep apnea!  Pain in your stomach?  Kidney stone or tumor.  Shitting blood?  It’s wasn’t those 35 hot wings you ate; you’ve got bladder cancer….or tumors.  In fact, that seems to be the running theme of this article: If its not 100% functioning, go to the doctor because you might be dying from cancer and/or tumors.  You turned a well intentioned article about getting persistent medical problems checked out into HOLY FUCKING SHIT GET TO YOUR DOCTOR DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED YOU ARE!??!?!?!!?  And we take a moment to ask, why?  Because it sounds more interesting when you do it that way, and god forbid the author didn’t get any attention.  And when authors do this, they tend to create panic and make people worry about things that are really in their heads.

It’s like the guy who goes on WebMD and diagnosis himself correctly.  For every one of those, I bet there are at least 10 hypochondriacs climbing up the wall for no reason.  Take the 10PM news caster that leads in with, “There’s a rapist in your area are you safe?”  Yeah, it might be scary, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the normal precautions that you usually do for your safety.  The world’s a scary place but you don’t need to freak out about every little terrible thing that is occurring or that COULD occur.  I wouldn’t need to get agitated about it if stories like this weren’t posted ALL.  OVER.  THE. WEB.  To be fair this list of things killing men is actually wrong.  It should read 5. Beer 4.Beef and Bacon 3. Women 2. Unexpected cleavage 1. and sensationalist reporters who could barely pass as high school “journalists.”  But I digress.

These medical journalists can probably help a lot of people out by passing along information about eating right and exercising.  That’s good.  But if you’re going to start blowing things our of proportion to get our attention about how we live our lives, well that just makes you a dick.


Charlie Sheen Week Wrap-Up

9 Mar

Yes, Charlie Sheen Week has been over for a few days, and we admit that we fell a little behind.  But it is fucking EXHAUSTING keeping up with that man!  To wrap up the week, I thought I’d put together a little timeline of some of the highlights of Charlie’s recent meltdown.

February 24: Charlie’s initial interview on the Alex Jones show.  This is the interview that started the downward spiral.  At first, I was going to urge you all once again to listen to it in its entirety.  But having again done so myself, this interview, which was the craziest thing I had ever heard at the time, is now completely dwarfed by the immensity of craziness and dickishness that Charlie has since thrown at us.

February 28: Charlie begins his media blitz, appearing on The Today Show.  It’s more of the same from his Alex Jones interview, where he once again expresses his profound hatred for his bosses and brags about his “bitchin'” life.  It is from this interview that the “Adonis DNA” and “Tiger Blood” quotes that have become such an integral part of our national consciousness originated.

February 28: Following his appearance on The Today Show, Charlie’s longtime publicist abruptly resigns.

February 28: Alex Jones appears on The View to defend Charlie Sheen, and proceeds to make a complete ass of himself.  I know Charlie doesn’t have the best judgment in the world, but I have to think that even Charlie probably wanted Alex Jones to calm the fuck down after watching this clip.  This “9/11 Truther” asshole can’t talk about anything other than himself and his fucking insane conspiracy theories.  I think if I sat too close to Alex Jones, I might become mentally handicapped.  In fact, I think just typing about Alex Jones has rendered me half retarded.  If you think Alex Jones is anything less than a complete lunatic, stop reading this blog right now.  Just stop.  I hate you.  I hate you with the fire of a million of Charlie Sheen’s flaming fists.  Kill yourself.

February 28: Ahem, moving on.  Charlie experiments with his first live stream, spending nearly an hour talking to TMZ “reporter” Mike Walters from the backyard of his home.  More hilarity ensues (which we were kind enough to live-blog).

February 28: Concluding a busy day of public appearances, Charlie stops by Piers Morgan Tonight. Actually, this was probably the most lucid of his interviews, so we’re hesitant to make too much fun of it.  Except, wait…“Then I start hearing stories about they’re going to hire John Stamos,” he said. “You guys do that, you deserve everything that happens later.” I do believe Charlie Sheen just dissed John Stamos.  You, sir, are back out of our good graces.

March 1: Charlie Sheen joins Twitter (@CharlieSheen, follow it right now).  Not surprisingly, he set a world record by topping a million followers in just over 24 hours (he has since added more than a million additional followers).

March 1: Charlie’s now-infamous 20/20 interview premiers.  Charlie issues more rambling diatribes and announces that he IS on a drug: “it’s called–CHARLIE SHEEN!”

March 1: Brook Mueller, Charlie’s ex-wife, successfully has Charlie’s custody of their children taken away.  Charlie goes into something of a minor tailspin, and quotes like “I don’t know where my kids are right now” begin to surface.

March 5: The debut of “Sheen’s Korner,” Charlie’s latest live stream adventure.  Charlie essentially rambled for more than 45 minutes, making little (and often no) sense.  Many media outlets tore into Sheen for the webcast, which the New York Post called “pointless” and “sad,” though the article also featured this image:

We'll call it a draw.

March 6: Time reveals that Charlie joined Twitter essentially to make money.  Charlie signs with the advertising firm, an agency that reported pays Kim Kardashian (for instance) upwards of $10,000 per tweet.  Are we holding it against him?  How could we? Look at that picture. There’s a fucking foot-high dollar sign on his shirt.  I don’t think he’s deceived us.

March 6: Sheen’s Korner, Episode 2 premiers.  Stripped of the trappings of the previous installment, this episode simply featured Charlie recording a lengthy phone call with a friend, during which he made, again, absolutely no sense at all.  Charlie announces that he feels no pain because “pain is a myth.”  Oh, did we mention that he appears to have aged roughly 700 years in the last two weeks?

March 7: Charlie is officially fired by Warner Bros.  Was anyone really surprised?  For a little while, we believed that Charlie would come back to the show, which would (without a doubt) get higher ratings than any show in the history of time for the week or two following his return.  Hell, we even entertained the notion that CBS might have planned the whole thing.  But after a while, it became clear that Charlie is…well…not well. We almost feel bad laughing at him at this point.  Almost.

March 7: Charlie wants an intern.  Yep, Charlie sheen announces that #TeamSheen wants to hire an intern with #TigerBlood who can #PlanBetter than anyone for the summer of 2011.  Fuck, man.  We’re both employed, but the thought of getting to have unlimited free sex with porn stars at Charlie Sheen’s private villa is enough to make us drop anything.

March 7: Sheen’s Korner, Episode 3 runs.  Neon Tommy characterized the display as “rang[ing] from bombastic to alarming to deeply depressing,” which seems pretty much par for the Charlie Sheen course.

March 8: A.J. Daulerio, one of our personal heroes here at Dick of the Week, publishes Charlie’s phone number.  Frankly, it’s a bit of a dick move on A.J.’s part.  In fact, we would feel bad about this, but one Jezebel reporter called him pretending to be interested in auditioning to be one of his “Goddesses,” and immediately received a callback and request for a photo.  So, Charlie clearly didn’t care all that much as long as it meant hot girls were calling him.  And really, it’s things like that that pull Charlie from the realm of “pitiable character” and back into the category of “colossal dick” where he belongs.

So you see, it’s difficult to keep up with this fellow, but at least our coverage ends with him squarely back in the Dick Hall of Fame where he belongs.  And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Charlie Sheen vs. The Internet

2 Mar

Unless you live under a rock, you are probably aware of the media blitz that Charlie Sheen has been on for the past week or so.  Starting with his rant on Alex Jones’ show, followed by his strongly worded letter to CBS, moving on to his interviews with ABC News, Piers Morgan, and others, further expanding his media empire with a TMZ live feed, and recently culminating with his exciting addition to Twitter (@CharlieSheen, follow it RIGHT NOW), it has been an exciting Charlie Sheen Week for us.  Really, we couldn’t have asked for more (unless Charlie had hijacked the final launch of the space shuttle Discovery and taken it for a joyride–although, if that had happened, we would have just had to end the blog, because, really, where do you go from there?).

But in any case, in honor of Charlie Sheen Week, I thought I would share a few of our favorite internet sites, features, and memes to crop up as a direct result of Charlie Sheen’s festival of crazy.


I Can Haz Rehab: Cats Quote Charlie Sheen

There's a cat for every occasion, we always say.

The Washington Post’s Charlie Sheen Quote Randomizer

This is like a sober acid trip.
— Sheen on winning best actor in a comedy series at the Golden Globes. Jan. 21, 2002
Vanity Fair’s Quote Quiz: Who Said It, Charlie Sheen or Muammar Qaddafi?

2. “…maybe they should let their women and their daughters go out.”
3. “We won’t lose victory from these greasy rats and cats…”
4. “Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words—imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

The “Leaked” Two and a Half Men Finale

The Sheen Family Circus (my personal favorite)

Far and away funnier than the real Family Circus. How is that even still a thing?

The Charlie Sheen Disembodied Head Quote Randomizer

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen."

Jimmy Kimmel’s Charlie Brown and Charlie Sheen Video

Charlie Sheen Quotes as New Yorker Cartoons (continuing the tradition of turning unfunny things into hilarious things)


Urlesque’s Clean Charlie Sheen Meme


Clearly everyone else on the internet has been enjoying this wild ride as much as we have.  Keep checking Dick of the Week for posts–we’ll have some original content up later today, but this should keep you occupied for a little while.

[clicks quote randomizer again]


UPDATE: An awesome new one has been brought to my attention.

Charlie Sheen vs. Ultimate Warrior Quote Quiz


Charlie Sheen Week Update: Charlie Sheen Is Now On Twitter

1 Mar

Yes, you read that correctly.  Charlie Sheen has just created a Twitter account, @CharlieSheen.  He has yet to tweet anything, and we are absolutely breathless with anticipation.

Charlie already has over 42,000 followers, despite having yet to tweet a thing.

UPDATE: Five minutes later (5:38pm), over 66,000 followers.

UPDATE: 5:51. 88,000.

UPDATE: 6:02. 106,000.

UPDATE: 6:30. 140,000.

UPDATE: We have Charlie Sheen’s first tweet.

In all its glory.

What was the picture, you ask?

Dick of the Week, Jan. 17-23: Jeff Pearlman and Sofia Black D’Elia

1 Feb

Yeah, I’m late. A week late, in fact.  But fuck you, I can be late once in a while.  It’s been a long week.

Usually it’s not that difficult to choose a Dick of the Week.  Oh, there are tough calls, for sure, but usually one dick of another rises to the top and demonstrates that they are, in fact, the Dick of the Week.  Not so for last week.  No, there were two candidates for the title last week, each incredibly deserving of the award.  In the end, I elected to forgo the difficult and certainly arduous task of choosing between them, instead electing to allow them to share the award.  Would they be pissed if they knew?  Probably.  Which makes it all the better for me.  Let’s start with Mr. Pearlman, shall we?

Jeff Pearlman is a writer for Sports Illustrated.  Yes, Sports Illustrated still exists.  I was surprised, too!  Since I was surprised that SI is still in publication at all, it should not surprise you that I have never read any of Mr. Pearlman’s writing.  He may be a fantastic writer (probably not, since ESPN hasn’t hired him away–just kidding!); I simply can’t say one way or the other.  But one thing that I can say for sure about him is that he has exceptionally thin skin.

But he looks so professional.

Jeff Pearlman apparently discovered that the internet is not a land of civility where everyone says nice things about one another.  When a few of Mr. Pearlman’s Twitter followers said some not very nice things about him, Pearlman decided to, in true serial killer form, track them down and call them at home. Just like any reasonable person would do.

Obviously Jeff was unhappy with being insulted.  Which is understandable.  Not everyone thrives on abuse like we do here.  However, here is one exceprt from the article:

When I later noted to Matt, via Twitter, that my 7-year-old daughter happened to be next to me when I clicked on the picture, he wrote: “lmao. You’re so full of —-.”

Now, that’s not all that unreasonable.  Except that the NEXT LINE IN THE ARTICLE is: “Normally, this sort of thing doesn’t faze me. Write sports for a living (especially online, as I do for, insults come with the turf.”

Let me get this straight, Jeff.  You are fully aware of the fact that people insult each other on the internet, and also understand that you, as a sports writer for a major publication, often come directly in the line of fire of foul mouthed people who want to make you feel bad.  And, while understanding both of these things (I cannot emphasize that enough), you STILL chose to look at what people were saying about you on Twitter with your 7-year-old daughter on your lap.  Okay, while “Matt” may be an asshole, YOU sir are an idiot.

And the worst part is…well, the fact that that isn’t even the worst part.  Pearlman really did track down two of his “haters” and phone them at their homes.  “I wanted to bash him,” Pearlman says. “I wanted to plaster his name, address and personal information atop a column on, so that when someone Googled his name for future employment, they’d find the words “Sent me a link to pornographic material.” What’s worse, that Pearlman was overcome with total rage over being sent porn (something that every single person in the world, famous or not, has had happen to them) or that he thinks that a potential employer would really care?  How does Pearlman think that exchange would go down?

Potential Employer 1: “Well, I like this Matt guy a lot.”
Potential Employer 2: “Yes, I agree. Seems like a perfect candida—-wait, WAIT A MINUTE.  JEFF PEARLMAN SAYS THIS MAN LIKES PORN.”
Potential Employer 1: “How does Jeff Pearlman even know this man?  No no, never mind. Just banish him!”

"Sure he's an expert in the field, but PORN."

Pearlman notes that, in the end, he actually liked the individuals that he called.  He uses this as a lesson on how even the best of people lose their civility when they take to the internet, attempting to teach all of us that we really should behave online.  And while this may be a worthwhile lesson, the fact that Pearlman thinks that we can learn anything from his experience tells me that he has absolutely no idea that his behavior is really much closer to “insane psychopath” than “teacher.”  Pearlman, you’re a huge dick.  And please, PLEASE call me at home and I will explain why.  You probably will not like me as much as “Matt.”

Sofia Black D’Elia is another story altogether, though she, too, had exhibited as severe a case of being out of touch with reality as I have ever seen.

Sofia is an actress in the new MTV show Skins, which has come under fire recently due to the fact that it, you know, appears to violate those pesky child pornography laws.  In fairness though, how was MTV supposed to know that portraying children having sex on screen would be considered “child porn?”  There was really just no way for them to prepare themselves for that.  The show is apparently on the verge of cancellation now, but that hasn’t stopped Sofia from stepping out and defending the show.

Let’s start with the obvious.  Look, MTV. We know you think you’re “racy.”  We know you’re really, REALLY stretching for quality programming.  We know you need a hit show to get back on top.  BUT YOU CAN’T FUCKING HAVE KIDS HAVING SEX ON SCREEN. YOU JUST CAN’T.  I know it’s a hard concept.  I know.  But sometimes you actually CAN’T do things you want to do.

Snooki: legal. Skins cast: not legal. Wow, I just made myself sad.

But MTV’s stupidity does not trump that of it’s star(?) actress Sofia, who firmly believes that she has her finger on the pulse of America.  “All I can say is that as an actor on the show I’m proud of everything that we’ve done,” she says. “We created something that we really care about. We feel the show has so much heart and so much potential and can impact so many teenagers.” And while it’s certainly understandable to be proud of a show that you are a part of, the idea that she is CHANGING THE LIVES of teens across the globe simply by having lesbian sex on screen is arrogant, to say the least.  Hell, if having hot, hot sex on screen was enough to change world, I would happily lead the philanthropy parade.

Addressing concerns about the show’s impact on kids, she goes on to say, “we’re not raising America’s children, parents are!  If you’re nervous about it, watch it with them. Maybe it will be a great conversation starter on topics they normally aren’t comfortable talking about with their kids, like sex and drugs.”

Now, this tells me that Sofia Black D’Elia simply does not have parents.  She must not.  Because anyone with parents would know that, between the ages of 3 years old and, I don’t know, DEATH, the LAST things that anyone wants to talk about with their parents are sex and drugs.  Oh, and by the way, if it takes an alcohol-induced lesbian cheerleader sex scene on MTV to get you to broach those subjects with your kids, YOU’RE A REALLY SHITTY PARENT.

Worst of all, though, was this comment from Sofia:  “Everyone in our cast is under 20 so that immediately, I think, kind of puts people on edge ‘cause these are real teenagers doing these things. It’s what teens are doing, the way teenagers behave…drugs all of that and the sex they’re vices and that’s what teenagers have.”

Pictured: vices.

Look, Sofia.  Maybe some people would give you the benefit of the doubt on this, but give me a fucking break.  You are a (barely) 19-year-old Hollywood starlet.  The idea that you know what “real teenagers” are doing would be laughable if it weren’t so Goddamn insulting.  To imply that your alcoholic, sex-crazed, popular cheerleader lesbian character represents what you would have us believe to be common teen issues is just…just stupid.  You’re stupid.

The fact is that Hollywood actors have been trying to tell us how to behave for ages, making us believe that they know what’s happening in the “real world” better than we do.  And it’s always insulting.  But a 19-year-old telling parents that they have “serious trust issues” because they won’t let their kids watch what is apparently legally child porn probably crosses a line that would make even George Clooney say, “jeez, that’s a little pretentious.”

So Sofia, shut the fuck up.  Jeff, you too.  These two were such dicks last week that we have our first joint award, and damned if they don’t both deserve it.

Honorable Mentions:

Jermaine Pennant: Most of you have probably never heard of Jermaine Pennant.  He is a soccer player for the English Premier League club Stoke City.  Although Stoke are a terrible team, Jermaine clearly is not wanting for cash, as he recently forgot that he owned a Porsche.  He parked the car at a Spanish train station, and there it sat for over a month, accumulating tickets, until it registered with someone that the Porsche with the license plate that read “P33NNT” might belong to Pennant.  Yeah, Pennant forgot he owned a car that costs more money than most of us make in a year.


Dick of the Week, Dec. 27 – Jan. 2: The United States Navy

5 Jan

Yes, the entire United States Navy.  Most of you have no doubt heard by now about the scandal that has been rocking the news for the past week or so about Owen Honors, the (until yesterday) captain of the USS Enterprise.  Now, frankly, the very fact that Capt. Honors was captain of a ship called the USS Enterprise makes us want to squeal like fanboys and debate whether or not he was more badass than Captain Kirk; however, we note with some disappointment that the USS Enterprise is merely an aircraft carrier and that, when we say the entire US Navy are dicks, Capt. Honors is most definitely included in that.

For those who do not follow the news as closely as we do (read: at all), some videos from Capt. Honors past were recently uncovered in which he makes a variety of lewd and homophobic comments, pretends to masturbate, and creates a variety of arguably inappropriate situations with humorous intent.  The videos were made when Honors was second in command aboard the Enterprise, and with his recent promotion to captain, the videos were seized upon by the media and created a public controversy.  Never mind that, according to absolutely everyone involved, the videos were simply supposed to be “humorous skits” to boost morale during long deployments, the media set about making Capt. Honors appear to be the homophobic devil himself.

This is the face of intolerance? Really?

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Dick of the Week: Nov 8-Nov 14….

15 Nov

Greetings and salutations, and welcome to another edition of the popular(?) blog Dick of the Week.  Now, much like a college student, I forgot to do my post on Sunday.  So, I am hoping that I can turn it in to you now and still receive full credit for my senseless ranting.  Is that ok?  Yes?  Fantastic, glad to see nothing has changed.  I must confess that I found myself torn this week.  It was an odd week where much of the focus was on people who would qualify as Dick Hall of Famers who just weren’t setting the bar high enough.  Honestly, if Mel Gibson had another tape released where he created another robust line of quotable “life lessons”, we would all yawn and say AND?  Therefore, we had to dig deeper.  And then I saw this.  NOOOOOO Not Google.  The epitome of laid back successful 21st century companies.  How could they fire someone for leaking such benign information to the public?  This is the company who famously fought China on the grounds of censorship, and gives us such cheeky homepage updates (like PACMAN).

Responsible for 80 million lost work hours

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