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A Bunch of Dicks including the Kardashians

21 Jul

Greetings once again to all of our loyal dick of the week followers.  We are so sorry that we neglect all of you for whatever reason that we do.  If you were a pet or house plant, you most certainly would have died.  I want to construct this post by building up to the dick I wanted to profile by inserting some stories that have recently been bothering me.

Our bad

Angry Birds reaches 300 million players.  Does anyone see the problem with this?  Every time I see a cut of hours spent of Facebook and Gmail and Google+ and angry birds…I question how much lost work time that is.  Seriously, I know way too many people who keep spare phone chargers at work just so they can keep those wonderful 2 hour battery life full screen wonders working.  Plus, it’s not like your gaining anything from this.  It’s a game of angles that allows you to knock things over….what is this?  pong, tetris, DXBall (classic 90s time waster). At least read some news, do something constructive.  But playing a crappy game that requires little to no skill really does nothing but waste your time with no benefit.  Just imagine how you’ll feel if your high score ever got deleted!  If you answer that question with anything even remotely close to despair, you are playing the game too much.


Over the weekend, a group of 5 Clemson students managed to get arrested for stealing breakfast cereal from the school cafeteria after hours.  This story was troubling for two reasons.  The first being the fact that college students went as far as to steal cereal…at night.  Seriously, cafeterias are tailor-made for little swipes here and there.  Loaf of bread here, ketchup bottle here, tub of ice cream once in a while (Panini Press?).  Are half of my plates and bowls from MY college cafeteria?  Maybe, but those luxuries are expensive and these ones were made for heavy-duty washing (Translation: Never buying new ones).  I also get all of my glasses from free giveaways at bars, but that is another story.  Going out of your way to steal something like cereal just puts you in needless legal trouble and honestly it’s more effort than it’s probably worth.  If you’re going to get busted, get busted stealing a whole pig or a bunch of steaks…..Not something like ramen.

After loans, this is all you can afford

The second (bigger) problem is that the bail for this crime was set at 5,407 dollars.  The crime involved 5 kids and bags of Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks, Captain Crunch and Cocoa Puffs.  I don’t care if 5,407 STUDENTS raided the cafeteria after hours, these are college students.  The amount of money doesn’t matter in this case, it’s more the fact that it IS money.  Think about it, you just got robbed by 5 people who clearly could not afford cereal…I bet if bail was set at 20 dollars they would show up for court.  No need to flip out over a few dollars worth of cereal.

How dare you take things you paid for with your tuition!

And finally, our winner this day.  Kim Kardashian sues Old Navy over lookalike in ads.  Listen, I usually don’t pick on people who have intellects that rival a 4th grader, but this was just too ridiculous.  This lawsuit says that Kardashian “has invested substantial time, energy, finances and entrepreneurial effort in developing her considerable professional and commercial achievements and success, as well as in developing her popularity, fame, and prominence in the public eye.”  Here’s the thing, these commercials at no point reference Ms. Kardashian, they really only infringe on her by having someone who looks exactly like her.  In fact, this person might surpass her because, as far as I can tell, she can sing, which would be a step up.

Hold on, this is a tough one...

This is funny because usually lookalikes are a joke, good-natured humor about two people who happen to look strikingly similar.  However, most celebrities provide some talent that can’t just be visually mimicked.  Like the Obama double, you can’t really copy Obama.  You couldn’t copy Tom Brady because Tom Brady has a discernible set of skills that would make the difference between the two readily apparent.  Singer, writers, musicians, athletes all have a skill that really can’t be copied, which is exactly why Kim Kardashian got so very angry over this doppelgänger (No WAY she knows what this means) stealing her skill of….wearing clothes?  Smiling?  Oh, I’ve got it!  Being tan.  Seriously, if your only skill is being a rich airhead, you can’t get too angry when someone new and younger comes and takes your place in this market.  Right Paris?  Just because Jersey Shore and The Kardashians have taken all of your attention, you can still get by on your talents.  Have your dad pay to make you another album!  Or do another sex tape, those seem to go over well!  The sky is the limit….kinda.  Editor’s note: We are very sad that a class of people such as this exists.  So, Kim, we are sad this took so long but you win this dick of the week.

Dick Hall of Fame Entry #10: Charlie Parsons

2 Jan

Who?  Not sure who that is?  It’s a new year and this is the best that you can do?  This man cannot be a hall of famer.  Hold your horses.  This man may toil in anonymity but his work speaks for itself.  This is the man who originally created the show known as Survivor.  He is the man who helped the resurgence of reality television to the point where it dominates pretty much every channel.  Yes, reality television.  The drivel that involves fighting and ridiciulous stereotypes.  To be clear I am NOT blaming him for the creation of reality television.  I am blaming him for creating a show that changed the definition of “reality” television.  The success of this genre which has watered down our programming and minds.  The reason that we have people known as the Situation and Snooki.  The reason that superficial stupidity can be a path to celebrity.

First, we need clear up what reality television was and is.  It  originally started with a show called Candid Camera back in the 1940’s.  The show’s purpose was to create an odd situation to secretly record “candid” reactions from real people.  The format was simple.  Create an unusual situation to record the real reactions that people would have.  On face value this seems like a great idea.  Many of us would like to see how we would react to being put in a house with people from different backgrounds or in a dealership where they break our car and try to tell you it’s fixed.  The Real World has shown us real people and raised attention to many overarching social issues.  But then the formula started to move more towards drama.

Like forced Gilligan's Island

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Everyday Dicks: The Early Shopper

29 Dec

Because it happens to be the holidays, we wanted to keep you up on exactly who we thought were dicks in this world (and nothing brings out the dick in people more than the holidays).  So, being that the major holidays are over, it is time to reflect with friends and kin about people and actions that we all find objectionable.  Some people talk about the bowl games that happened, some people talk about all the food they ate/the weight they need to lose weight, and some people just won’t shut the hell up about the fantastic job they did shopping this holiday season.  I think you see where I am going with this one.  That is your everyday dick.

Holiday shopping is a rough time of the year.   Seemingly decent people will rain blows upon each other to obtain trinkets to appease their friends and family.  Many of us “say” we are going to accomplish all of these tasks at a reasonable hour, but few are able to do so.  There are usually many people on our lists, we all have busy schedules, we are only human.  But some people do have the foresight to plan ahead and get all of their shopping done, and that’s commendable.  But they just can’t keep their mouths shut, can they?

Look! They even existed in the 1920s!

These are the people who always like to rattle off the names and gifts for EVERYONE in their family.  From little Johnny with the skateboard to elderly grandmother who gets the records of the slightly racist swing music she adored SO much.  What makes it worse; you don’t tell us this information on the 20th or the 15th.  No, you’re the prick who tells us the day after Thanksgiving that you had already been shopping FOR A MONTH.  You were so preoccupied with getting gifts that you started before Thanksgiving?  What is wrong with you people?  And this vicious cycle aways leads us to feel guilty and run out on December 23rd to attempt to finish all of our shopping even if we know we are trying to pass off a collander as a cool gift for a 9 year-old (It was supposed to be a helmet, ok?).  What’s worse?  While we are all fighting tooth and nail to get our gifts and get out, these pricks are AT THE STORE.  These people seem to love shopping so much that they want to be there just to get in on all the last minute deals.

We all need to take a minute and ask why?  But there is no answer.  These people seem hell bent on proving their societal worth based solely upon their abilities to provide amazing gifts for everyone around them.  We wouldn’t have a problem with this if they didn’t feel the need to brag about it.  It’s one thing to try to make someone happy.  That’s commendable and deserving of gratification from your peers.  But to use that accomplishment to lord over the people around you because they didn’t put in the 800 hours shopping that you did?  Well that just sounds like a dick.

Black Friday: The Gauntlet of Superficial Consumerism

25 Nov

Reader: Wait, what is this?  It’s Thursday?  I expect all of the Dick of the Week and Dick Hall of Fame posts to come on Sunday/Monday or Tuesday if you’ve been lazy.

I am well aware of this and usually enjoy the arduous task of “catching up” on all of the past and present dicks in the world.  However, some yearly occasions require extra detail.  Some occasions are so saturated in dickishness (screw you spell check)  that I would be remiss if I didn’t provide you with some insight into these occasions.  And so, we are pleased to present the Dick of the Week Special Something.  I did not want to seem pretentious and did not know what else to call this.  So, let us begin.

Black (politically correct?) Friday: The Gauntlet of Superficial Consumerism

The day where normally sane Americans will rise from their turkey soaked dreams at 3 or 4 in the morning and line up in front of stores to reap the benefits of a 6 am discounted shopping spree.  Good.  Lord.  I will not provide you with any examples for this, as I am sure your easy access televisions, email inboxes, web sites, mail, billboards and sandwich men will have caught you up.

Think of it as a "Pop Up" in the 1920s

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