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A Bunch of Dicks including the Kardashians

21 Jul

Greetings once again to all of our loyal dick of the week followers.  We are so sorry that we neglect all of you for whatever reason that we do.  If you were a pet or house plant, you most certainly would have died.  I want to construct this post by building up to the dick I wanted to profile by inserting some stories that have recently been bothering me.

Our bad

Angry Birds reaches 300 million players.  Does anyone see the problem with this?  Every time I see a cut of hours spent of Facebook and Gmail and Google+ and angry birds…I question how much lost work time that is.  Seriously, I know way too many people who keep spare phone chargers at work just so they can keep those wonderful 2 hour battery life full screen wonders working.  Plus, it’s not like your gaining anything from this.  It’s a game of angles that allows you to knock things over….what is this?  pong, tetris, DXBall (classic 90s time waster). At least read some news, do something constructive.  But playing a crappy game that requires little to no skill really does nothing but waste your time with no benefit.  Just imagine how you’ll feel if your high score ever got deleted!  If you answer that question with anything even remotely close to despair, you are playing the game too much.

DX BALL

Over the weekend, a group of 5 Clemson students managed to get arrested for stealing breakfast cereal from the school cafeteria after hours.  This story was troubling for two reasons.  The first being the fact that college students went as far as to steal cereal…at night.  Seriously, cafeterias are tailor-made for little swipes here and there.  Loaf of bread here, ketchup bottle here, tub of ice cream once in a while (Panini Press?).  Are half of my plates and bowls from MY college cafeteria?  Maybe, but those luxuries are expensive and these ones were made for heavy-duty washing (Translation: Never buying new ones).  I also get all of my glasses from free giveaways at bars, but that is another story.  Going out of your way to steal something like cereal just puts you in needless legal trouble and honestly it’s more effort than it’s probably worth.  If you’re going to get busted, get busted stealing a whole pig or a bunch of steaks…..Not something like ramen.

After loans, this is all you can afford

The second (bigger) problem is that the bail for this crime was set at 5,407 dollars.  The crime involved 5 kids and bags of Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks, Captain Crunch and Cocoa Puffs.  I don’t care if 5,407 STUDENTS raided the cafeteria after hours, these are college students.  The amount of money doesn’t matter in this case, it’s more the fact that it IS money.  Think about it, you just got robbed by 5 people who clearly could not afford cereal…I bet if bail was set at 20 dollars they would show up for court.  No need to flip out over a few dollars worth of cereal.

How dare you take things you paid for with your tuition!

And finally, our winner this day.  Kim Kardashian sues Old Navy over lookalike in ads.  Listen, I usually don’t pick on people who have intellects that rival a 4th grader, but this was just too ridiculous.  This lawsuit says that Kardashian “has invested substantial time, energy, finances and entrepreneurial effort in developing her considerable professional and commercial achievements and success, as well as in developing her popularity, fame, and prominence in the public eye.”  Here’s the thing, these commercials at no point reference Ms. Kardashian, they really only infringe on her by having someone who looks exactly like her.  In fact, this person might surpass her because, as far as I can tell, she can sing, which would be a step up.

Hold on, this is a tough one...

This is funny because usually lookalikes are a joke, good-natured humor about two people who happen to look strikingly similar.  However, most celebrities provide some talent that can’t just be visually mimicked.  Like the Obama double, you can’t really copy Obama.  You couldn’t copy Tom Brady because Tom Brady has a discernible set of skills that would make the difference between the two readily apparent.  Singer, writers, musicians, athletes all have a skill that really can’t be copied, which is exactly why Kim Kardashian got so very angry over this doppelgänger (No WAY she knows what this means) stealing her skill of….wearing clothes?  Smiling?  Oh, I’ve got it!  Being tan.  Seriously, if your only skill is being a rich airhead, you can’t get too angry when someone new and younger comes and takes your place in this market.  Right Paris?  Just because Jersey Shore and The Kardashians have taken all of your attention, you can still get by on your talents.  Have your dad pay to make you another album!  Or do another sex tape, those seem to go over well!  The sky is the limit….kinda.  Editor’s note: We are very sad that a class of people such as this exists.  So, Kim, we are sad this took so long but you win this dick of the week.

Softball on the National Mall

12 Jun

Greetings to all.  Yes, we have returned from a brief hiatus to inform you of the people that we think are dicks in this world.  In the coming weeks we will continue to point out the most abhorrent people out there (famous and lesser known);  while at the same time, pushing to further explore the depths of meaning in the word “dick”.  We will not be doing the traditional “Dick of the Week” or “Dick Hall of Fame”.  Those titles can be rather restricting, so we are just going to inform you of a dick and give you as much information as we can at that time.  Now, let me draw your attention to a new phenomena which has drawn our ire lately.

Can you spot the American pastime?

For those who are unaware, the national mall is listed as having 15 softball fields on its premises.  15?  Really?  Where do they happen to partake in this activity?  On the grass in the middle of the mall.  Oh, that seems a little odd but let’s go further to explore this topic.  For the record, we are not against beer league softball.  If anyone needs THAT much of an excuse to sit around and drink with a bunch of people, more power to you.  Softball is the sport for you.  But the problem lies more with the type of people and location.  From experience, this environment is ripe for exerting dickish qualities.  The first example is the mutual circle jerk of past accomplishments.  Many of these participants are quick to point out that they were the MAN when they were in high school.  They were great athletes at every sport, and that makes them the best slow-pitch softball player around.  Phrases such as: Dude I was such a good baseball player back in the day or I was really good at baseball but decided to focus on other things.   Yeah, no. We totally believe you.  This completely explains why you are on a co-ed softball team and not playing on a major league baseball team right now.  And I am sure that you were the man on your Division 3C state championship team back in Delaware.  Next there is that element of taking the game just too damn seriously.

Even Kramer says that's a dick move

These are the guys you played flag football with back in college who took the time to draw up a play book and would actually call out plays instead of pointing at someone and saying “Run over there.”  Seriously, you have to accept that your athletic dream just didn’t happen, and the slow-pitch softball league is just not the place to let out your pent-up frustration.

But no, some players take the time to cut the sleeves off their 10 dollar team shirt with a terrible pun on it (Seriously why?).  You can also tell exactly who plays in these leagues because they are the ones who walk on the metro with their old bat bags from high school.  We get it, you play in a softball league, we don’t care.  And there is absolutely no chance of us engaging you to talk about it.  Though these are the guys you have to watch out for on the field because once they get those guts moving, Newton’s laws of motion allow them to put a bit of power into those fluttering pitches.  And those metal bats—wait, metal bats?  You guys use metal bats on the mall?  What is this, Tee Ball?  The mall is a tenth of a mile wide.  You need a metal bat to help you get that little bit of extra power to hit a larger ball thrown to you underhand?  Clearly that girl you’ve been hitting on is going to have to rethink your gallant sports stories from high school.  This is one of the few times that I will say safety is a slight issue.  The National Mall is a very high traffic area, and if you foul off a pitch (doesn’t seem that unlikely) you take the head off of anyone because honestly, it’s not a setting that one should be expecting to be struck by a ball.  By no means am I advocating for the safety tourists, in fact, I find the masses of color coordinated shirts to be rather terrifying.  And it should be legal to put your shoulder into the couple standing on both sides of the escalator when you’re trying to catch your train.  But I digress…

Playing these leagues on the mall really tears up the grass and ruins it for the rest other people because of cleats and those bases shoved into the ground.   Are we that worried that the integrity of this game will be tarnished if you home plate moves around? Because it’s not like the fees for the mall are covering the costs to regrow the grass.

The receding hairline of our nation

And at the end of the day, this is just an excuse to go out and drink away the dregs of the day, and it doubles as a shallow attempt to meet women.  Which I would not have a problem with if it wasn’t in such a public area.  A bunch of sweaty overweight congressional workers is not what our country wants to see.  Just go to the bars, please.  It’s just cutting out the middle man at this point, and we can stop the fake competitiveness.  This is just a poor attempt at socialization and half the time the teams are barely able to field full lineups.  Overall, things will be a lot better if they either stop playing these leagues on the mall or find somewhere else to play them.  And, if you’re going to drive around the mall screaming to your team that you JUST need to find parking, chances are we have labeled you a dick.

Dick of the Week, Mar. 7-Mar. 13: Massimo Busacca

13 Mar

Why hello all you happy viewers, welcome to this weeks dick of the week.  Having thought about this very fairly (?), I have decided to make Massimo Busacca our newest dick of the week.  Referees tend to be a subject that we shy away from attacking for several reasons.  1.  They are only human therefore it is always possible for anyone to find fault with them.  2.  Referees tend to make many mistakes and given the long list of evidence anyone can compile googling “Referee” and “Screw Up.”  3.  Everyone else does it so why would we follow everyone else?  We actually had 2 dandy examples this week when an entire officiating crew decided to not call an out of bounds play and traveling with 1.7 seconds left.  This was bad because it essentially gave Rutgers zero chance to come back after they called the game and a win for St. John’s.  However, the refs were back on the sideline and in action after withdrawing from the tournament.  Hey, refs are just part of the game right?  They, at least, admitted they were wrong and decided to withdraw from the tournament.

In soccer, or football or however you refer to that game where you kick the ball around on the ground and can’t touch it with your hands, the referees are given a lot of room to make judgment calls and impact the flow of the game.  Having refereed soccer games, one can never know when a player is faking, fell on his own, etc.  You have to rely on your own opinion and do the best to NOT change the game. Again, you don’t change the game and you don’t let it get out of hand.  The 85-year-old grandmother brandishing her walker and swearing might disagree, but what the hell, its your job and someone has to do it.

What Mr. Massimo did was the unforgivable crime of changing a game at the end of the game by giving one team a huge tactical advantage.  If you didn’t see, Massimo sent off Robin Van Persie in the 55th minute for shooting a ball 1 second after the whistle blew for being off sides.  1 second.  There were 35 MINUTES left.  You send the guy off for time-wasting with half an hour left in a game?  I suppose he forgot that referees add-on extra time to compensate for the time lost during the run of play because the clock doesn’t stop.

Who would have thought that this decision would actually look reasonable?

Yes, I’ll say it.  If the referee didn’t see this play as it happened, it’s OK to only give the guy a yellow.  If a guy had to be sent off for every player laying on the ground, the sides would never be 11 on 11.  As a referee, the last thing you want to do is ruin a match by sending off a player for little or no reason.  This is why time-wasting is generally only called in the waning minutes of a closer game when one side is attempting to kill precious few seconds.  Now, I understand that the stats are not in favor of Arsenal making a case the they were really going for the game….but I will refute that by saying NO ONE tries to out-play Barcelona at HOME.  Chelsea, Inter, Manchester United, and the Netherlands (which applies because most Barcelona play for Spain).  What is the common thread of all of these matches?  The away team goes to Camp Nou (or the World Cup Final) and either keeps it close or digs in for a DRAW in order to either steal the game late and/or take it to Barcelona at home.  You don’t usually attack Barca because you know they won’t let you control the game.  Arsenal wasn’t playing attacking football because that hasn’t proven to be an effective way to beat this Barcelona team.  Sorry, they weren’t playing anti-football because they wanted to, they were doing it because it made the most tactical sense being up 2-1 after the first leg.

But hey if they want to play with numbers, 2 goals and a good 10 shots (at least) followed Van Persie’s ejection, so let’s not lose our heads saying this didn’t change the match.  When you lose a man, it completely kills your team. Especially, if you are playing an up-tempo passing team such as Barcelona because they will run you into the ground if you can’t properly defend them.

The main point was that Busacca didn’t technically do anything wrong according to the laws of the game.  But according to the laws of the game, any player who lies on the ground in pain and gets up 2 seconds after a foul is given should PROBABLY be carded.  Any person who takes A STEP inside the 10 yard barrier of a free kick should be whistled and the kick should be retaken.  Shit, half of the insults that are said in other languages should be carded.  And EVERY player who wasted 1 second should have been shown a yellow if that was the way Busacca was calling the game.  If I were an Arsenal fan, I would  re-watch EVERY SINGLE GAME this guy referees and compile a list of every incident that matches Van Persie’s cardable offense.  I may be vindictive enough to do this, but it’s not my team and I don’t have enough time to attempt it.  It’s just bad gamesmanship, maybe he was looking for a red card after giving out so many to Arsenal in the first half, I don’t know.  But now we are all talking about this referee and not giving full credit to Barcelona, which is usually what referees try to avoid.  So, my congratulations to Massimo Busacca for ruining a really good football match by kicking a player out for an offense that most referees choose to ignore under similar circumstances.

 

All referees actually work for Match.com

At least it nothing has happened to the players or coaches yet after they literally called the referee a joke.

Dick Analysis: Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez

1 Mar

Who?  I thought this was Charlie Sheen week.  You shmucks lied to me.

Wait, wait!  Hold on there!  This man is the FATHER of Carlos Irwin Estévez, you know…

This guy?

Actors, apparently, have these stage names to appear more “common”.  Ergo, these individuals changed their names to seem more like “average” Americans.  To avoid ethnic bias in hiring, he chose the first name Martin after a good friend, and Sheen after Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, who had a popular TV show in the 1950s.  See?  He and Charlie both changed their names.  Did you think Emilio Estévez was adopted?  Anyway, we are not here to discuss Americans’ opinions of foreign names or to discuss the cut throat nature of the film industry…we are here to find out where Charlie Sheen came from and why he is this way (Oh, if only it were so simple).  As the father of Charlie, one could reasonably infer that Martin Sheen is an awesome addict who has Adonis DNA or is half tiger (he’s not).

He WAS arrested for crossing a line in protests at a military base as part of over 70 (political) arrests.  As a long time liberal (so the character was not THAT off base), he has been a valuable political figure given the popularity of the show the West Wing. He has gone as far as to endorse political candidates and stump for them (for example, Howard Dean).  Wait a moment, wait a moment…January 2004, what happened during that campaign?  Dean didn’t win the nomination, but I remember some important event happening on that day!  What was it…

Ah yes, that's the one.

Welllll we can’t always get them all right, can we?  Pretending to be a sage political president who is both a savvy public speaker and highly educated doesn’t mean you can pick ’em, does it?  But being a democrat and being arrested for political activism doesn’t put one in the same league as his son or a bad American (Some would say it is MORE American).  He has been considered very religious, why hasn’t that translated to his children (i.e. Charlie)?  Ohhhh, Sheen is a reformed alcohol abuser. The heart attack he endured during the filming of Apocalypse Now in the Philippines led him on a four-year spiritual journey that culminated in his return to Catholicism.  Now, Charlie makes a little more sense considering his father’s, wait, Apocalypse Now?  That move is fucking cool.  But I digress.

Martin clearly has some demons in his past that he overcame by finding God.  Perhaps Charlie can find his way through religion to purge the “cancer” of addiction.  Oh no.  While he respects his father’s beliefs he does not think the jibberish of fools will be allowed inside his brain.  We here at DOTW sincerely wonder what IS allowed to penetrate his brain, but all things considered, “thanks but no thanks” is a lot nicer way to talk to your dad, right?  You won’t say something ba-“Jeez, dad… shut it!”  This would probably explain why Martin is considering having a conservatorship obtain control over how Charlie spends his money…  I’m sure that will create an interesting reaction.  However, Martin Sheen’s overcoming addiction and finding religion could serve as a valuable example to Charlie.  As they shared a similar problem, it is possibly that his son can find the same peace he did.

As we see it there are two ways to look at this relationship, as we see it from the countless interviews.  Charlie sees that his dad really cares and is trying to help him out.  He cares about his dad, hell he got a quote from Apocalypse Now on his chest.  But your dad’s advice probably sounds tired and overdone at the time you are 45.  And when you’re really not willing to accept help from anyone you like to remind your father of certain things…

“When I was 7 years old, I woke up on the school bus behind the last seat. The bus had been driven downtown somewhere I had never seen before parked where they park buses. I was 7 and had to find my way home. That was pretty gnarly. I woke up and went, ‘This ain’t Malibu.”

It’s that low blow that kids get to put on parents when a third-party says, “does your dad do anything funny?”  You can say he cut a tree limb that fell on his neighbor’s car, slipped on the ice, orrrrrr forgot to get you from the bus so you ended up miles away from where you live with no idea how to get back….Funny.

To sum it alllll up on this grand Sheen-tastic week.  Martin Sheen had an interesting past but it’s doubtful that his alcohol abuse or political activism can be seen as the cause of Charlie’s addiction.  Well, Charlie won’t even admit to being addicted so I guess he hasn’t done anything immoral so this post served as a giant waste of time.  That being said, Martin Sheen may have left the country to avoid the constant media barrage that is his son.  So, we expect little else to come from him on this topic.  Clearly he has voiced his opinion and has left it at that.

Hmm, while Charlie’s mother has been relatively active  and in unison with her husband; I wonder what some of his brothers think?  Perhaps, Emilio Estévez?  I could not find anything on Charlie’s brother, so, I was forced to make my opinion based on the beginning of The Mighty Ducks.

 

"Breathe, Blood or Urine?"

“No thanks, I’m full.”

What a line.

Too bad Charlie Sheen doesn’t have a peewee hockey team filled with endearing, rag-tag misfits like his brother, Gordon Bombay.  I guess we have no choice but to sit back and see what happens next.

Dick of the Week Super Bowl Special: Christina Aguilera and the Black Eyed Peas

7 Feb

I hadn’t originally planned to write a post on the Super Bowl, but after watching the game, I quickly realized that it was inevitable.  If you didn’t see the halftime show, this primer will sum it up for you.  The halftime show was probably one of the worst 20 minutes of my life, but it was like watching a train wreck.  And, God help me, I could not turn away.  Maybe it was the fact that Fergie appeared to be wearing football pads.  Maybe it was because will.i.am seemed to have walked off the set of JJ Abrams’ next Star Trek movie.  Maybe because The Other Guy (who cares what his name is) appeared to have a Lite-Brite™ duct taped to himself.  Truth be told, I don’t know why I decided to subject myself to watching the halftime show, but once I started there was clearly no way I was going to be able to look away.

Amazingly though, the halftime show was not the worst part of the night.  Christina Aguilera, who time has apparently not been kind to, made sure that we started off on the worst possible foot by actually forgetting the lyrics to the national anthem.

Look, the national anthem is tough.  I’m pretty sure I know all of the words, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I missed one here or there.  But listen.  If you’ve agreed to sing the national anthem for the Super Bowl, with 46 million people watching across the United States, YOU’D BETTER BE PRETTY DAMN SURE YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS.  It’s a huge honor to be able to sing before the Super Bowl, okay?  And if you can’t even be bothered to learn the Goddamn words, maybe you should LET SOMEONE ELSE SING IT.  It’s pathetic.  And by the way, the articles that are cropping up today asking if it’s fair to criticize Aguilera are almost EQUALLY shameful.  Really, CNN?  “I’m sure she’s beating herself up pretty good today about it.”  I’d hope so!  She deserves it!

I hope she OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT KILL IT WITH FIRE (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

I hold that Aguilera’s flub was the most shameful part of the Super Bowl, but it is a testament to how bad the halftime show was that the Black Eyed Peas managed to make most of us forget that it ever happened.

As I noted, the Black Eyed Peas came on stage dressed like the cast of Starship Troopers preparing for the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics.  Was that the worst part?  I’m really not sure.  There are so many things to choose from.  My personal favorite writer, Deadspin’s Drew Magary, walks us through a comprehensive breakdown.  Either that or a hilarious rant.  Either way, it’s quite useful.  Maybe the worst part was the fact that their giant LED “LOVE” failed to light up correctly, leaving us with what appeared to be “LOI’E,” which I’m assuming is a kind of cake.

No, no.  Maybe the worst part was when Slash emerged from the stage and participated in the systematic destruction of Sweet Child o’ Mine, a classic song which I will never be able to listen to again.  Not since I lost my taste for Tom Petty after my beloved Patriots lost Super Bowl XLII has a song been so ruined for me by a single sporting event.  Why Slash decided it was a good idea to perform with the Black Eyed Peas in the first place is beyond me.  Why he decided it was a good idea to do so while dressed in a sequined top hat is, well, probably beyond anyone’s comprehension.

Fergie and Slash. Yeah. #2 on the list of Things I Had Hoped Never To See, right behind Cris Collinsworth going down on Michael Moore.

It got so bad that I was actually THRILLED when Usher was lowered from the jumbotron.  To me, Usher was a HERO, because every second that Usher was singing was a second that the Black Eyed Peas were NOT singing.  Maybe this goes without saying, but I think that any halftime show in which Usher is the best part…is probably the worst halftime show of all time.

In the end, though, I can say with almost complete confidence that the single worst part of the halftime show was the fact that NOT ONE OF THE BLACK EYED PEAS HELD AN INSTRUMENT AT ANY POINT.  Seriously.  Not one of them.  It took a second to even register with me that none of them held an instrument, and I don’t remember a lot after that point because I was totally blinded with rage.  They literally could have put in a Black Eyed Peas CD and played a laser show, and the halftime show would have been exactly the same.  No, that’s not even true.  The halftime show actually would have been BETTER, because we wouldn’t have had to listen to Fergie’s pathetic warbling.  Fergie, I’m sorry, but you are the reason that autotune was invented.

When the Black Eyed Peas finally left the stage, I felt as though a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I felt, if you’ll pardon the analogy, like Moses finally emerging from the desert; for though it had been a mere 20 minutes, I felt as though it had been 40 years.  I may never understand why the NFL departed from the classic rock halftime show formula.  Frankly, I found the Black Eyed Peas performance to be more shocking and offensive than any wardrobe malfunction possibly could be.  In fact, literally the only GOOD thing about the halftime show was the fact that, with the Black Eyed Peas, Slash, and Usher all in the same place, the odds of them all dying at the same time skyrocketed.

Sadly, it didn’t happen, and instead of that happy memory we will forever be left with the sad sounds of Christina Aguilera forgetting the words to her own national anthem and Fergie howling at the moon.

Groundhog Day

2 Feb

I was about to write a post about how stupid the concept of “Groundhog Day” is, but then I remembered:

The greatest movie of all time.

Happy Groundhog Day, everyone.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #13: Religious Celebrities

27 Jan

Hello, I can see you have noticed that my Hall of Fame post was egregiously late.  Seriously, Thursday?  I should be chastised simply for us swapping topics in our clearly thought out rotation.  Wait.  You didn’t notice?  You did! fantastic, I’m not even mad anymore, I just can’t wait to focus on our next topic!  Religious celebrities.  I know what you’re thinking..Religion is kind of a huge can of worms by itself.  And celebrities?  Haven’t you jackwads said enough about them already?  True.  We have mocked both categories BUT there is a special blend of dickishness that permeates this topic.  For you see, celebrities cannot seem to do the whole “religion” thing normally.  No, they can’t be the raging alcoholic pontificating about how they hate people who are different.

We cannot WAIT for that trial

No No.  You celebrities transcend racist bigots.  Here is my problem with your religious devotion; you seem to make sure that you can be just as exclusive in death as you were in life.  For you see, as is common with all humans, we consider our mortality and realize that we will not live forever.  We just have to do our best to make an impression on this world as we can.  You are of a group of people who have become wildly successful and can reap the benefits of your labor (Congrats).  And one of the things that can give normal people solace is the fact that we will all rot in the ground one day (you in a much more expensive ground than us, but in the ground nonetheless).  However, you all have managed to find a spiritual afterlife that is so exclusive that none of us could ever even attain entry.

Clearly something tripped in your mind where you had to root around to find that one niche in life that you can lord over us to say “hey” I’m going to be just finnnnne in rich man’s heaven. Religion was one of the last bastions of activity that didn’t require excessive monetary devotion to gain favor with god (or dog or whatever).  As much as religions can be exclusionary and backwards, they generally preach a set of values and discipline attuned to being a good helpful member of society.  While they accept donations, they do not require them.  They are just as happy accepting anyone’s time, devotion and effort.  While they may ask richer members for charity to help those less fortunate, the less fortunate are not seen as negative because of it.  And there is certainly no way to pay your way into the afterlife (in fact most of the religious books make a point of mentioning that little factoid).  I think this where normal religion has lost you.  The fact that you don’t receive the favor you do in THIS life.  Your no more special than the schlump sitting next to you in his 30 dollar suit.

Quick! See if you can toss a coin in his mouth!

To be fair, I am not mocking those who attend church or temple of any other historic denomination of religion.  And if those people have to attend more exclusive churches; it is probably because they do not want to be gawked at while they are trying to be humble.  I am not mocking those who find solace in teachings or have seen some light to propel them to greater good.  I am mocking those who seek to flaunt their religious “devotion” to attempt to seem more interesting to the general populace.

Totally Kabbalah

Madonna is Kabbalah…Right.  See the thing is, she might actually be very devout.  Perhaps she has found some enlightenment from the teachings.  But this is all we see.  A brief overview and WHO is also a member?  You don’t join a religion because so and so is part of it  Wait Wayne Gretzky is Episcopalian?  We’ll talk later.  Religion is not a fashion accessory.  You don’t go around bragging about the fact that you are a catholic (or at least most catholics don’t).  So Madonna is a new age buddhist or whatever.  Who cares.  We don’t hear her saying WHAT it’s about, just the fact that its TOTALLY AWESOME to be one.  We honestly believe that you are making a mockery of people’s real devotions and heartfelt beliefs much the way we are mocking these celebrities right now.  If you are doing this because you believe in it, fine.  But if you’re doing it because it’s the new in thing to do and you just want the press…you’re doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Then we get to our muse, our love, our gift of comedy from a maniac.  Scientology.  Yes, to sum it all up if you have not read our previous post…“You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.” Oh yes.  This whole concept of alien souls between Mormonism and scientology really really frustrate you.  Whether it is some alien overlord named Xenu or the fact that South Park was able to sum up the entire religion in half an hour (with commercials) we cannot take it seriously.  Though if you have a fun joke to make on someone, you too can hire a scientologist to visit a friend of yours to make things frankly uncomfortable. * I don’t want to actually give you a link to do this.  I can just say I have seen it before and don’t wish to overtly antagonize scientologists with their propensity to sue people. Smiley face. But again we are back at square one with listing of the names of people who are part of the religion as opposed to expounding its true values and meaning.

In the end, we live in a society with many different religious options so many will not always trumpet their membership in the open.  We don’t hear things like, “Hey Dale where my Protestant at?  What What!”  Yeah definitely don’t do that.  And many celebrities have managed to turn religion into an “I’m better than you are” thing.  Which really becomes a problem because the scriptures basically do that already.  Most people are just decent enough to not flaunt that fact using the media.  While many celebrities are good enough to worship in silence, there are some that just can’t help being colassal dicks.

Announcements!

5 Jan

A quick note on some updates to the site.  We have added a contact page to the sidebar as well as a Twitter account, so you can get your fill of Dick of the Week on the go.  As you can see, our email address is weeklydick@gmail.com, and our Twitter handle is @weeklydick.  Follow away, dear readers.

Dick Hall of Fame Entry #10: Charlie Parsons

2 Jan

Who?  Not sure who that is?  It’s a new year and this is the best that you can do?  This man cannot be a hall of famer.  Hold your horses.  This man may toil in anonymity but his work speaks for itself.  This is the man who originally created the show known as Survivor.  He is the man who helped the resurgence of reality television to the point where it dominates pretty much every channel.  Yes, reality television.  The drivel that involves fighting and ridiciulous stereotypes.  To be clear I am NOT blaming him for the creation of reality television.  I am blaming him for creating a show that changed the definition of “reality” television.  The success of this genre which has watered down our programming and minds.  The reason that we have people known as the Situation and Snooki.  The reason that superficial stupidity can be a path to celebrity.

First, we need clear up what reality television was and is.  It  originally started with a show called Candid Camera back in the 1940’s.  The show’s purpose was to create an odd situation to secretly record “candid” reactions from real people.  The format was simple.  Create an unusual situation to record the real reactions that people would have.  On face value this seems like a great idea.  Many of us would like to see how we would react to being put in a house with people from different backgrounds or in a dealership where they break our car and try to tell you it’s fixed.  The Real World has shown us real people and raised attention to many overarching social issues.  But then the formula started to move more towards drama.

Like forced Gilligan's Island

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Black Friday: The Gauntlet of Superficial Consumerism

25 Nov

Reader: Wait, what is this?  It’s Thursday?  I expect all of the Dick of the Week and Dick Hall of Fame posts to come on Sunday/Monday or Tuesday if you’ve been lazy.

I am well aware of this and usually enjoy the arduous task of “catching up” on all of the past and present dicks in the world.  However, some yearly occasions require extra detail.  Some occasions are so saturated in dickishness (screw you spell check)  that I would be remiss if I didn’t provide you with some insight into these occasions.  And so, we are pleased to present the Dick of the Week Special Something.  I did not want to seem pretentious and did not know what else to call this.  So, let us begin.

Black (politically correct?) Friday: The Gauntlet of Superficial Consumerism

The day where normally sane Americans will rise from their turkey soaked dreams at 3 or 4 in the morning and line up in front of stores to reap the benefits of a 6 am discounted shopping spree.  Good.  Lord.  I will not provide you with any examples for this, as I am sure your easy access televisions, email inboxes, web sites, mail, billboards and sandwich men will have caught you up.

Think of it as a "Pop Up" in the 1920s

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