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A Bunch of Dicks including the Kardashians

21 Jul

Greetings once again to all of our loyal dick of the week followers.  We are so sorry that we neglect all of you for whatever reason that we do.  If you were a pet or house plant, you most certainly would have died.  I want to construct this post by building up to the dick I wanted to profile by inserting some stories that have recently been bothering me.

Our bad

Angry Birds reaches 300 million players.  Does anyone see the problem with this?  Every time I see a cut of hours spent of Facebook and Gmail and Google+ and angry birds…I question how much lost work time that is.  Seriously, I know way too many people who keep spare phone chargers at work just so they can keep those wonderful 2 hour battery life full screen wonders working.  Plus, it’s not like your gaining anything from this.  It’s a game of angles that allows you to knock things over….what is this?  pong, tetris, DXBall (classic 90s time waster). At least read some news, do something constructive.  But playing a crappy game that requires little to no skill really does nothing but waste your time with no benefit.  Just imagine how you’ll feel if your high score ever got deleted!  If you answer that question with anything even remotely close to despair, you are playing the game too much.

DX BALL

Over the weekend, a group of 5 Clemson students managed to get arrested for stealing breakfast cereal from the school cafeteria after hours.  This story was troubling for two reasons.  The first being the fact that college students went as far as to steal cereal…at night.  Seriously, cafeterias are tailor-made for little swipes here and there.  Loaf of bread here, ketchup bottle here, tub of ice cream once in a while (Panini Press?).  Are half of my plates and bowls from MY college cafeteria?  Maybe, but those luxuries are expensive and these ones were made for heavy-duty washing (Translation: Never buying new ones).  I also get all of my glasses from free giveaways at bars, but that is another story.  Going out of your way to steal something like cereal just puts you in needless legal trouble and honestly it’s more effort than it’s probably worth.  If you’re going to get busted, get busted stealing a whole pig or a bunch of steaks…..Not something like ramen.

After loans, this is all you can afford

The second (bigger) problem is that the bail for this crime was set at 5,407 dollars.  The crime involved 5 kids and bags of Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks, Captain Crunch and Cocoa Puffs.  I don’t care if 5,407 STUDENTS raided the cafeteria after hours, these are college students.  The amount of money doesn’t matter in this case, it’s more the fact that it IS money.  Think about it, you just got robbed by 5 people who clearly could not afford cereal…I bet if bail was set at 20 dollars they would show up for court.  No need to flip out over a few dollars worth of cereal.

How dare you take things you paid for with your tuition!

And finally, our winner this day.  Kim Kardashian sues Old Navy over lookalike in ads.  Listen, I usually don’t pick on people who have intellects that rival a 4th grader, but this was just too ridiculous.  This lawsuit says that Kardashian “has invested substantial time, energy, finances and entrepreneurial effort in developing her considerable professional and commercial achievements and success, as well as in developing her popularity, fame, and prominence in the public eye.”  Here’s the thing, these commercials at no point reference Ms. Kardashian, they really only infringe on her by having someone who looks exactly like her.  In fact, this person might surpass her because, as far as I can tell, she can sing, which would be a step up.

Hold on, this is a tough one...

This is funny because usually lookalikes are a joke, good-natured humor about two people who happen to look strikingly similar.  However, most celebrities provide some talent that can’t just be visually mimicked.  Like the Obama double, you can’t really copy Obama.  You couldn’t copy Tom Brady because Tom Brady has a discernible set of skills that would make the difference between the two readily apparent.  Singer, writers, musicians, athletes all have a skill that really can’t be copied, which is exactly why Kim Kardashian got so very angry over this doppelgänger (No WAY she knows what this means) stealing her skill of….wearing clothes?  Smiling?  Oh, I’ve got it!  Being tan.  Seriously, if your only skill is being a rich airhead, you can’t get too angry when someone new and younger comes and takes your place in this market.  Right Paris?  Just because Jersey Shore and The Kardashians have taken all of your attention, you can still get by on your talents.  Have your dad pay to make you another album!  Or do another sex tape, those seem to go over well!  The sky is the limit….kinda.  Editor’s note: We are very sad that a class of people such as this exists.  So, Kim, we are sad this took so long but you win this dick of the week.
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BREAKING NEWS: Being alive increases chances of death

27 Jun

Greetings loyal readers!  It is time for me to explain my extremely cryptic title.  Sorry, unfortunately this is not a joke….By being alive, you increase your chances of dying.   This is my attempt to digest the alarming trend in health related news that I have noticed and my attempt to explain it.  Now these stories spark the interest of the average reader because they seem simple enough, person X didn’t know what that swelling in the back of their throat was.  Oh it’s nothing, just let it go.  Get’s larger, cold drugs don’t work.  They decide to see a doctor and BAM cockroach in the throat!..Wait that was an urban legend?  But it didn’t stop the news media from writing about it, did it?

For you see, this area of news reporting is very easy to mistake for completely legitimate.  They consult with doctors, they bring real cases, and they can do some real good by alerting people to take better care of themselves.  Hell we only need to glance at the obesity rate to realize that we are killing ourselves with food.  But just because Sanjay Gupta sounds legitimate every time, it doesn’t mean he’s not trying to serve you up a nice steaming pile of sensationalist crap (Not to pick on Dr. Gupta persay, he just happens to be a figure I’d assume you’d all recognize).  But let’s get started, shall we?

Not Sanjay Gupta

Dr. Gupta wrote an article praising a study about how to live to 100.  Very interesting tag line “Live to 100 years old.”  Who wouldn’t want to do that?  Well, me for one…but that has more to do with a fear of adult diapers and a hatred of needles, which seem impossible to avoid at that age.  But the article points out all the little things that we can do to increase our lifespan.  Flossing adds a year, a 5-day work week adds a year and a half,  and I will say I tried really hard to complete this survey thing but I am suspicious of anything that asks for my zip code.  I did take a look at the framework and its pretty simple (+1/-1).

Subtract 4 years from life expectancy

So you can add yourself up a pretty nice lifespan or you could end up dead.  Phrasing things this way can make people think that something such as life expectancy is so easy to control.  If go on a +30 years vegetarian diet and get hit by a bus, well shit that was a waste of time.  Not to be crass but this ultimately is a method to gauge your overall health and you shouldn’t try to sensationalize it by making it seem so concrete.  Do I think making some of the changes would be beneficial to the average person?  Yes.  Do I think you’re going to be able to pin point that flossing was the reason you checked out at 87 instead of 85?  Probably not.  But we can’t phrase it in general terms can we?  That’s not interesting!  Let’s go for another fun one.

This guy is clearly anxious

Sitting. Television.  For those of you rubes who were unaware, you are 18% more likely to die early if you watch a lot of television and 40% more likely to die prematurely if you sit a lot versus not sitting a lot.  Holy shit we are pretty much fucked, right?  I mean these are the big changes.  Yeah you could floss but your job has you sit 8 hours a day! Not to mention going home and sitting watching television.  We call that the death double team.  Now you have to choose either dying from sitting on your fat ass all day or living and starving to death standing around to be unemployed.  Quite the dilemma.  And as you read on, the author mentions heart disease and other obesity related maladies.  Hmm it couldn’t be that people who lead largely sedentary lifestyles are more likely to develop health problems that could lead to their premature death, could it?  The guy sitting on his couch 8 hours after 8 at work is probably also the guy who orders an entire pizza for dinner, but, no….that sounds reasonable.  No one would bother to read that.  Oh and thanks for just tossing in the whole “men are 20% more likely to die than women.”  Which happens to be a running theme of these articles.

What's the betting this has something to do with it?

Yes, many of these writers correctly ascertain that men are not the normal demographic of these pieces.  Clearly, they realize we just don’t care if that fourth beer is signing our own death warrant, you’re not going to change us.  But what if you scared the women around us into putting pressure on us?  For you see, these articles all ways refer to us as “men” or “your man”; while women are addressed as “you.”  And here is what women are being told about us.  Just take a minute to drink it all in.  It’s quite fantastic.  You can’t be tired, because you have sleep apnea!  Pain in your stomach?  Kidney stone or tumor.  Shitting blood?  It’s wasn’t those 35 hot wings you ate; you’ve got bladder cancer….or tumors.  In fact, that seems to be the running theme of this article: If its not 100% functioning, go to the doctor because you might be dying from cancer and/or tumors.  You turned a well intentioned article about getting persistent medical problems checked out into HOLY FUCKING SHIT GET TO YOUR DOCTOR DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED YOU ARE!??!?!?!!?  And we take a moment to ask, why?  Because it sounds more interesting when you do it that way, and god forbid the author didn’t get any attention.  And when authors do this, they tend to create panic and make people worry about things that are really in their heads.

It’s like the guy who goes on WebMD and diagnosis himself correctly.  For every one of those, I bet there are at least 10 hypochondriacs climbing up the wall for no reason.  Take the 10PM news caster that leads in with, “There’s a rapist in your area are you safe?”  Yeah, it might be scary, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the normal precautions that you usually do for your safety.  The world’s a scary place but you don’t need to freak out about every little terrible thing that is occurring or that COULD occur.  I wouldn’t need to get agitated about it if stories like this weren’t posted ALL.  OVER.  THE. WEB.  To be fair this list of things killing men is actually wrong.  It should read 5. Beer 4.Beef and Bacon 3. Women 2. Unexpected cleavage 1. and sensationalist reporters who could barely pass as high school “journalists.”  But I digress.

These medical journalists can probably help a lot of people out by passing along information about eating right and exercising.  That’s good.  But if you’re going to start blowing things our of proportion to get our attention about how we live our lives, well that just makes you a dick.

Charlie Sheen Week Wrap-Up

9 Mar

Yes, Charlie Sheen Week has been over for a few days, and we admit that we fell a little behind.  But it is fucking EXHAUSTING keeping up with that man!  To wrap up the week, I thought I’d put together a little timeline of some of the highlights of Charlie’s recent meltdown.

February 24: Charlie’s initial interview on the Alex Jones show.  This is the interview that started the downward spiral.  At first, I was going to urge you all once again to listen to it in its entirety.  But having again done so myself, this interview, which was the craziest thing I had ever heard at the time, is now completely dwarfed by the immensity of craziness and dickishness that Charlie has since thrown at us.

February 28: Charlie begins his media blitz, appearing on The Today Show.  It’s more of the same from his Alex Jones interview, where he once again expresses his profound hatred for his bosses and brags about his “bitchin'” life.  It is from this interview that the “Adonis DNA” and “Tiger Blood” quotes that have become such an integral part of our national consciousness originated.

February 28: Following his appearance on The Today Show, Charlie’s longtime publicist abruptly resigns.

February 28: Alex Jones appears on The View to defend Charlie Sheen, and proceeds to make a complete ass of himself.  I know Charlie doesn’t have the best judgment in the world, but I have to think that even Charlie probably wanted Alex Jones to calm the fuck down after watching this clip.  This “9/11 Truther” asshole can’t talk about anything other than himself and his fucking insane conspiracy theories.  I think if I sat too close to Alex Jones, I might become mentally handicapped.  In fact, I think just typing about Alex Jones has rendered me half retarded.  If you think Alex Jones is anything less than a complete lunatic, stop reading this blog right now.  Just stop.  I hate you.  I hate you with the fire of a million of Charlie Sheen’s flaming fists.  Kill yourself.

February 28: Ahem, moving on.  Charlie experiments with his first live stream, spending nearly an hour talking to TMZ “reporter” Mike Walters from the backyard of his home.  More hilarity ensues (which we were kind enough to live-blog).

February 28: Concluding a busy day of public appearances, Charlie stops by Piers Morgan Tonight. Actually, this was probably the most lucid of his interviews, so we’re hesitant to make too much fun of it.  Except, wait…“Then I start hearing stories about they’re going to hire John Stamos,” he said. “You guys do that, you deserve everything that happens later.” I do believe Charlie Sheen just dissed John Stamos.  You, sir, are back out of our good graces.

March 1: Charlie Sheen joins Twitter (@CharlieSheen, follow it right now).  Not surprisingly, he set a world record by topping a million followers in just over 24 hours (he has since added more than a million additional followers).

March 1: Charlie’s now-infamous 20/20 interview premiers.  Charlie issues more rambling diatribes and announces that he IS on a drug: “it’s called–CHARLIE SHEEN!”

March 1: Brook Mueller, Charlie’s ex-wife, successfully has Charlie’s custody of their children taken away.  Charlie goes into something of a minor tailspin, and quotes like “I don’t know where my kids are right now” begin to surface.

March 5: The debut of “Sheen’s Korner,” Charlie’s latest live stream adventure.  Charlie essentially rambled for more than 45 minutes, making little (and often no) sense.  Many media outlets tore into Sheen for the webcast, which the New York Post called “pointless” and “sad,” though the article also featured this image:

We'll call it a draw.

March 6: Time reveals that Charlie joined Twitter essentially to make money.  Charlie signs with the advertising firm Ad.ly, an agency that reported pays Kim Kardashian (for instance) upwards of $10,000 per tweet.  Are we holding it against him?  How could we? Look at that picture. There’s a fucking foot-high dollar sign on his shirt.  I don’t think he’s deceived us.

March 6: Sheen’s Korner, Episode 2 premiers.  Stripped of the trappings of the previous installment, this episode simply featured Charlie recording a lengthy phone call with a friend, during which he made, again, absolutely no sense at all.  Charlie announces that he feels no pain because “pain is a myth.”  Oh, did we mention that he appears to have aged roughly 700 years in the last two weeks?

March 7: Charlie is officially fired by Warner Bros.  Was anyone really surprised?  For a little while, we believed that Charlie would come back to the show, which would (without a doubt) get higher ratings than any show in the history of time for the week or two following his return.  Hell, we even entertained the notion that CBS might have planned the whole thing.  But after a while, it became clear that Charlie is…well…not well. We almost feel bad laughing at him at this point.  Almost.

March 7: Charlie wants an intern.  Yep, Charlie sheen announces that #TeamSheen wants to hire an intern with #TigerBlood who can #PlanBetter than anyone for the summer of 2011.  Fuck, man.  We’re both employed, but the thought of getting to have unlimited free sex with porn stars at Charlie Sheen’s private villa is enough to make us drop anything.

March 7: Sheen’s Korner, Episode 3 runs.  Neon Tommy characterized the display as “rang[ing] from bombastic to alarming to deeply depressing,” which seems pretty much par for the Charlie Sheen course.

March 8: A.J. Daulerio, one of our personal heroes here at Dick of the Week, publishes Charlie’s phone number.  Frankly, it’s a bit of a dick move on A.J.’s part.  In fact, we would feel bad about this, but one Jezebel reporter called him pretending to be interested in auditioning to be one of his “Goddesses,” and immediately received a callback and request for a photo.  So, Charlie clearly didn’t care all that much as long as it meant hot girls were calling him.  And really, it’s things like that that pull Charlie from the realm of “pitiable character” and back into the category of “colossal dick” where he belongs.

So you see, it’s difficult to keep up with this fellow, but at least our coverage ends with him squarely back in the Dick Hall of Fame where he belongs.  And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Mel Gibson Celebrates Charlie Sheen Week

1 Mar

Among the more interesting facts to come out of the past few days is the fact that Charlie Sheen claims to have received messages of support from Mel Gibson, Sean Penn, and Colin Farrell, otherwise known as the Holy Trinity of Psychotic Actors.

“Sean Penn was over the other night and we had a few laughs,” Charlie told Piers Morgan.  And look, it’s not that Charlie Sheen isn’t a funny guy.  Shit, I can imagine I’d be laughing my tits off if I got to spend five minutes with the guy.  It’s just that…look, Sean, is this really the time to be knocking back a few beers with your pal Charlie?  It’s not as though Penn hasn’t had issues of his own in this realm.

But really, I think the most important thing to come out of this was the following statement:

“[Mel Gibson] was just great. Not calling with any advice. [He said] ‘Just thought you might like to hear a friendly voice.  He was a stone cold dude, I was impressed.”

We’ve minced no words about our love for Mel Gibson here. The man has made a science out of being a dick.  But we can only imagine what his conversation with Charlie Sheen must have been like…

DREAM SEQUENCE!

CHARLIE SHEEN: Man am I WINNING.  It’s only a matter of time before CBS sees the light and lets me come back to work.  Who cares if I do a little cocaine–it helps me remember my lines.  I wouldn’t be HALF the actor I am today without cocaine.

[phone rings]

CS: Now who the hell could that be?  Some other loser reporter jealous of my gnarly and bitchin’ life?

MEL GIBSON: WELL HIIIIIIIDEE HO THERE, CHARLIE!

CS: MEL! Good to hear from you, buddy! What have you been up to?

MG: Well, to tell you the truth Charlie, been reading a lot about you.

CS: Oh man, that’s good to hear, Mel. I’m sure you of all people get how fuckin’ awesome my life is. You and me, we’re the same, bro.

MG: Well, Charlie, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.  You know, my life used to be great.  I was on top of the world.  I was Mad Max, man, I was Braveheart.  But I made some mistakes, Charlie.  I threatened my ex-girlfriend.  I’m not proud of it.  I made some hateful comments.  All that started my life in a downward spiral, Charlie.

CS: Shit Mel, are you for real?

MG: NAAAHHHH! JUST FUCKIN’ WITH YOU CHARLIE!  FUCK BITCHES, GET MONEY!  YEEEAAAAAHHHHH!

CS: HA! I knew it!  Seriously though Mel, I do need some help.

MG: WHAT THE FUCK CAN I DO FOR YOU, MY MAN?

CS: Well you know how pissed off I am at this bitchy little punk Chuck Lorre.

MG: FUCK YEAH I DO.

CS: I wanted to really dig deep, so I called him Chaim Levine–you know, to let people know that he’s really Jewish.

MG: FUCK THAT NOISE.

CS: Fuckin’ right.  But these fucking losers didn’t get it.  I need advice from the master on how to insult some frickin’ Jews.

MG: WELL THAT’S EASY SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER.  FIRST, YOU GET REALLY FUCKIN’ DRUNK.

CS: Way ahead of you.

MG: THEN, YOU MAKE A MOTHERFUCKIN’ MOVIE ABOUT HOW EVIL JEWS ARE.

CS: Gonna be tough since those CBS fucks won’t let me work, but I’m with you.

MG: THEN YOU JUST GOTTA ASSAULT A COP OR SOME SHIT AND GET CAUGHT ON TAPE YELLING ABOUT HOW THE JEWS RUN THE WORLD AND ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR 9/11 AND PEARL HARBOR AND SNOOKI AND SHIT. THAT SHIT’LL GET SPREAD AROUND THE INTERNET LIKE FUCKIN’ CRAZY AND THEN EVERYONE WILL KNOW THE TRUTH.

CS: You’re a fuckin’ genius, Mel!

MG: GODDAMN RIGHT I AM, I’M MEL MOTHERFUCKIN’ GIBSON.

CS: So that clears up the Jews thing.  Any other advice, Mel?

MG: YOU GOTTA TELL ‘EM WHO YOU REALLY ARE. YOU GOTTA MAKE THE PEOPLE SEE THE LIGHT.  YOU GOT POETRY IN YOUR FINGERTIPS BOY, YOU GOTTA USE IT.

CS: Damn right I do.  What do you think I should tell them?

MG: TELL THEM WHAT THEY’VE DONE TO YOU.  BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, TELL THEM WHAT THEY’VE DONE TO THEMSELVES. TO THEIR SHOW. TWO AND A HALF MEN DIMS.  ALL THAT REMAINS ARE MEMORIES. I REMEMBER A TIME OF CHAOS. RUINED DREAMS. THIS WASTED LAND. BUT MOST OF ALL, I REMEMBER THE WARRIOR. THE MAN WE CALLED “CHARLIE SHEEN.” TO UNDERSTAND WHO HE WAS, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO ANOTHER TIME. WHEN THE WORLD WAS POWERED BY THE JEWS.  AND HOLLYWOOD SPROUTED GREAT CITIES OF SCREEN AND REEL.  GONE NOW, SWEPT AWAY. FOR REASONS LONG FORGOTTEN, TO MIGHTY WARRIOR TRIBES WENT TO WAR AND TOUCHED OFF A BLAZE WHICH ENGULFED THEM ALL.  WITHOUT FUEL, THEY WERE NOTHING. THEY BUILD A HOUSE OF STRAW.  THE THUNDERING MACHINES SPUTTERED AND STOPPED.  THE PRODUCERS TALKED AND TALKED AND TALKED.  BUT NOTHING COULD STEM THE AVALANCHE.  THE AVALANCHE THAT IS CHARLIE SHEEN.  THEIR WORLD CRUMBLED.  THE CITIES EXPLODED.  ON THE SCREENS IT WAS A FORGOTTEN LINE NIGHTMARE.  ONLY THOSE STONED ENOUGH TO STUDY, BRUTAL ENOUGH TO STAND UP TO THE JEWS WOULD SURVIVE.  AND IN THIS MAELSTROM OF DECAY, ORDINARY MEN WERE BATTERED AND SMASHED.  MEN LIKE CHARLIE SHEEN.  THE WARRIOR CHARLIE SHEEN.  IN THE ROAR OF CHUCK LORRE, HE LOST EVERYTHING.  AND BECAME A SHELL OF A MAN, A BURNT OUT, DESOLATE MAN, A MAN HAUNTED BY THE DEMONS OF HIS PAST, A MAN WHO WANDERED INTO THE WASTELAND.  AND IT WAS HERE, IN THIS BLIGHTED PLACE, THAT HE LEARNED TO LIVE AGAIN.

CS: That was beautiful, Mel.

MG: FUCK YEAH! I’D LOVE TO CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION, BUT I’VE GOT TO GO SIT IN THE BUSHES OUTSIDE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND’S HOUSE WITH A RICHARD NIXON MASK AND A KNIFE!

CS: Enjoy!

MG: PEACE OUT, MOTHERFUCKER.

We love you, Mel.

My life fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories. I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called “Max”. To understand who he was, you have to go back to another time. When the world was powered by the black fuel. And the desert sprouted great cities of pipe and steel. Gone now, swept away. For reasons long forgotten, two mighty warrior tribes went to war and touched off a blaze which engulfed them all. Without fuel, they were nothing. They built a house of straw. The thundering machines sputtered and stopped. Their leaders talked and talked and talked. But nothing could stem the avalanche. Their world crumbled. The cities exploded. A whirlwind of looting, a firestorm of fear. Men began to feed on men. On the roads it was a white line nightmare. Only those mobile enough to scavenge, brutal enough to pillage would survive. The gangs took over the highways, ready to wage war for a tank of juice. And in this maelstrom of decay, ordinary men were battered and smashed. Men like Max. The warrior Max. In the roar of an engine, he lost everything. And became a shell of a man, a burnt out, desolate man, a man haunted by the demons of his past, a man who wandered out into the wasteland. And it was here, in this blighted place, that he learned to live again…

Charlie Sheen Week Kick-Off (Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #18)

27 Feb

This is an exciting time for us at Dick of the Week.  We make no secret of the fact that Mel Gibson is our hero.  Every story that has come out about Mel Gibson is the greatest story every told.  In the summer of 2010, when recordings of Mel Gibson’s insane phone calls with his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva were leaked, we had an absolute field day listening to them.  They became instant Dick of the Week classics.  We made ringtones of them.  A good 50% of the words we said became Gibson quotes.  In short, it was a revolution of sorts, because Mel Gibson had set a new standard for Dickishness in the world.  We told ourselves that if Gibson ever came before a public trial, we would host a Mel Gibson Week.

Well, Mel has yet to be publicly strung up, and Mel Gibson Week has been put on hold.  We were disappointed.

Then, Charlie Sheen happened.

Thank you, Charlie. Thank you.

We’ve always known that Charlie Sheen is crazy.  That really isn’t the issue here.  His history with drugs, porn stars, and other poor life choices is well documented, and as the week progresses we will walk you through a blow-by-blow history of Charlie Sheen’s lifetime of debauchery.  So without further ado, I would like to take this opportunity to announce the commencement of Charlie Sheen Week.

We’ll save the walkthrough for later in the week, because right now I want to direct your attention to the events of the past few days, in which Charlie provided us with enough material for a lifetime of Dick of the Week articles.  Let’s start with this past Thursday, when Sheen made an appearance on Alex Jones‘ radio show.  Production had been halted on Sheen’s television show, Two and a Half Men, because of Sheen’s recent hospitalization following a 36-hour cocaine and sex bender.  Sheen insisted that he was ready to return to work, but the show’s producers declined to invite him back to filming until they were satisfied that he was not going to continue to cause problems.  Unfortunately, Sheen was not okay with this.  Rather than simply accept that the production stoppage was due to the mistakes that he had made, Charlie took to the media to plead his case.

Alex Jones, of course, is a well known radical right-wing radio host.  An avowed 9/11 conspiracy theorist, Jones is clearly a massive dick in his own right.  But even Jones is simply along for the ride when Sheen begins his rant.  The fifteen minute rant makes Mel Gibson look positively sane.  I recommend listening to Sheen’s rant from beginning to end.  I have attached the file below:

Seriously, I’m begging you. Listen to the whole thing.

Because I know that not everyone will have time to listen to it, I will share some of the best quotes below.  Yeah.  There are a LOT.

“Let me just say this about the goddesses. I don’t think the term is good enough. But when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions you must use the best choice available.  So if you think about it dude, I’m oh-for-three with marriage with nary an excuse. Like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn’t lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the heart—of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract I will leave to the amateurs and the bible-grippers.”

“Where there were four, there are now three. Good-bye, Brooke, and good luck in your travels; you’re going to need it. Badly … She’s not there now and we are and I don’t know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn’t make the rules. Oops.””

“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time – and this includes naps – I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”

“My motto now is you must either love or you hate. And you must do so violently. And you have to hate everybody who is not in your family because they will destroy your family, and they will come at you in all forms and shapes. And therefore there’s nothing in the middle. Don’t live in the middle because that’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen. And within that is tremendous focus and tremendous clarity and tremendous peace because you have absolute and total resolve about your decisions.  If you love with violence and hate with violence there is nothing that can be questioned. And people say ‘oh, you’ve got to work through your resentment. Yeah, no. I’m going to hang onto them and they’re going to fuel my attack. And they’re going to fuel the battle cry of my secret and silent soldiers. Because they’re all around you. Anyway, you thought you were just messing with one dude? Sorry: Winning!”

Pictured: Winning.

“I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”

“I think it was Nails that said, and I was really flattered that he got it right, he might be Nails, but I’m bayonets. I’m battle tested bayonets.”

“I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’”

“I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself… It’s the work of sissies. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent.”

“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and just winning every second, and I’m not just perfect and bitching and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn.”

I’m sorry, that was rather lengthy.  And it’s really just the tip of the iceberg–please, I again urge you to listen to the rant in its entirety.  As you can see, Sheen has a little bit of pent up anger against his producer, Chuck Lorre.  Why Sheen hates Lorre so much is never quite clear, but one can assume it probably has something to do with Lorre disapproving of Sheen’s lifestyle and the fact that Sheen has presumably made his life hell for much of the past 8 years.

Before moving on, Charlie also called into Pat O’Brien’s radio show.  He said many of the same things that I’ve already covered above, but it was on O’Brien’s show that he shared perhaps my favorite quote of the whole tirade:

“I put a billion dollars in the studio’s pockets and I put half a billion dollars in Chuck’s pocket. I should of been walking in to massages and hand jobs. Yeah, I said it!”

Sheen’s overestimation of his own self-worth aside, wow.  I will give Charlie Sheen this much: any place that lists massages and hand jobs as a benefit is a place that I want to work.

Come to think of it, isn’t Two and a Half Men about two immature men raising a kid?  Doesn’t that mean there’s a kid on the set?  It’s not like Sheen’s behavior has come out of nowhere.  Sure, that kid is a little older now, but doesn’t that mean that at one point a young, impressionable child was allowed to spend hours in Charlie Sheen’s presence every single day?  Even as it is, the kid is only 17.  Poor form all around, I have to say.

No, I'm sure he'll be fine though.

Following Sheen’s radio rant, CBS halted production on Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season.  Since Sheen is paid by the episode, this essentially ensured that CBS would not have to pay him any more until they could be satisfied that his life was in order, and resume filming.  Unfortunately, it also means that the remainder of the Two and a Half Men cast and crew will not be working (or getting paid) for the remainder of the season.  Thanks, Charlie.  Because he couldn’t keep his fucking mouth shut, good, hard-working people will now struggle to make ends meet this year.  Do you think Assistant Key Grip #2 really cares about how awesome Charlie Sheen thinks it is to have sex with porn stars?  Sheen’s rant itself is, in reality, less dickish than the consequences that it had on others.

When Sheen was informed that he would not be working for the remainder of the season, what did he do?  Did he issue an apology?  Did he step back for a second for some healthy self-examination?  Perhaps he began to recognize the destructive effect that his actions were beginning to have on his career and those of his colleagues?  No.  Because it worked so well the first time, Charlie instead chose to turn to his WORDS again!  He issued a strongly worded open letter to his producers (really, just to Lorre) which contained even more gems.  Let’s take a look, shall we?

“What does this say about Chaim Levine [anti-Semitic term referring to Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me.  I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows. I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth.”

“I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon.”

“Clearly, I have defeated this earthworm with my words; imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.”

Actually, the fire-breathing fists part intrigues me.  If Charlie Sheen’s fists really do breathe fire, I take back everything negative that I said about him, because that would be fucking awesome.  Evolutionarily questionable, but awesome nonetheless.

And what has Charlie done since?  Well, several things.  He invited a journalist to his house to watch him pee in a cup and take a drug test.  Which, I should note, he passed.  Which you would think would be a good thing, but I honestly just find concerning.  If you listened to Sheen’s rant, you know he sounded strung out on something.  If he WASN’T on any drugs, then that implies that that is Sheen’s actual sober personality, which I consider to be a far more frightening prospect.  I don’t want to call Charlie Sheen insane, but when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions…

"Now watch me pee, so you know it's legit. I SAID WATCH ME PEE."

He also talked to TMZ, where he strung further insults at Chuck Lorre:

“I violently hate Chaim Levine. He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a … punk that I’d never want to be like.”

“That piece of shit [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family’s pocket and most importantly, my second family–my crew’s–pocket.”

Yes, Charlie.  Your crew is your “second family.”  Would this be the same crew that you left out of work simply because you refused to properly rehab and end your feud with your producers?  I suppose that’s fair.  I think most people would agree that petty grievances between multi-millionaires are more important than family.

As it stands, Sheen’s rant has been classified as “career-killing,” but, as he has yet to be fired, we’ll wait and see.  Sheen told RadarOnline that he wants to leave the show and that he has been in talks to host a show on HBO called Sheen’s Corner, which would pay him $5 million per episode.  Which would be great for Charlie, if it was true.  Which it is not.  At all.  Why anyone would believe that HBO would want anyone to do with the most self-destructive man in America (sorry Mel, the torch has been passed) remains unclear, but honestly: if Sheen already thinks he’s king of the world making $1.2 million an episode on CBS, why in the WORLD would HBO stroke his ego even more?  I may not know much, but I know that’s a recipe for creating a monster.

Anyway, Sheen capped off a busy few days by filming a 20/20 episode for ABC, in which Charlie clears things up for all of us:

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Indeed, Charlie.  Indeed.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #17/Everyday Dicks: The Condescending Vegetarian

23 Feb

Well I feel like this hybrid post requires some explaining to all of you.  See the two of us had been talking about a few things; mostly that we just hated judgmental vegetarians, how much we LOVED meat, and how I have been quite lazy and owe our loyal viewers another post or two.  Am I being a little lazy combining two posts I normally do?  Oddly not.  For you see, we had discussed how to bring this topic to the front, but we weren’t sure how to classify it.  I think we all know an irritating vegetarian as much as we have heard of a celebrity or two who just loves to report about how terrible it is to eat meat.  So, I didn’t think I could keep this to a short post, and I didn’t want to lose the Everyday Dick aspect of this.  Spoiler: I am sitting here drinking whiskey next to a slab of bacon just like any Red Blooded American. So, I think we really need to set this topic up with some clarifications.

First, I have to clarify that I have no problem with people who are vegetarians.  Honestly, I don’t care what you eat, it doesn’t bother me.  It’s like my opinion of gay people: do I care if men have sex with men?  No, just don’t do it in front of me.  I don’t want to see some 75-year old politician having sex anymore than I want to see gays having sex.  I think this is one of the main topics of this blog; we don’t care what you do with your life, we just care if you insist on shoving it in our faces.  So, to the point, we don’t care that people are vegetarians (for the most part) What we do care about… people who like to make carnivores feel guilty.  You all know this person, you don’t see someone (College, Job, Etc.) for a while or someone moves away and they come back to inform you, “Oh, I decided to become a vegetarian, and stopped eating all meat.”  Fine, something going on in your life that you decided to inform me of, but they just can’t help themselves.

“I just stopped eating meat, I realized it was murder.”

“Can you believe that people still eat meat, no one I know does that anymore.”

“I don’t understand how anyone can eat meat.”

Ok, that’s enough.  It’s nice that you have made a change to your life that you see as positive, but thank you for laboring under the assumption that I have done the same.  Guess what, I haven’t.  And I have no plan to do so.  Because you found some new age religion, met a girlfriend who made you do this, or did this because you thought it was cool, I have decided to stop giving you the benefit of the doubt.  Now you get to know what I think.

I am going to shamelessly plug Epic Meal Time right here.  It is out of context, but I think they have some of the coolest videos I have ever seen.

Speaks for itself.

Moving on, meat is awesome.  I love bacon.  Bacon is one of the greatest gifts man has received.  And there are some interesting things that you will hear from these vegetarians (besides them calling you murders for you actions).  Because they don’t eat meat, they will freak out if they don’t get enough protein because they cannot get what they need from vegetables.  My favorite example of this was a friend who kept a jar of peanut butter next to his bed because he loved peanut butter.  Which was funny and gross until he became allergic to peanuts.  Meat is part of a basic diet, so you need to compensate for taking it out.  As humans, we climbed to the top of the food chain for a reason.

Nature

I don’t think there is anything wrong with eating meat, I just don’t want to have to think about my diet in terms of math.  I don’t want to think about the plant that is going to give me enough protein to survive a simple day of work.  Most people choose to eat meat because it tastes good and it’s easy.  And I will remind you vegetarians that the one thing that you CAN’T replicate with tofu is bacon.  Bacon may be the silver bullet to bring you to our side, I don’t see vegetables doing that to us carnivores.

But what do the celebrities think?  What do the people think?  Adam Richmond is the star of a food show called Man v. Food where he consumes copious amounts of fat laden food..especially piles of meat.  This show has become such a niche classic I’m tempted to call it the Crocodile Hunter of this decade (RIP Steve Irwin).

Ironic death: Starvation

Celebrities, as we have pointed out, have unique opportunities to garner public attention and raise awareness of issues.  Fair enough, we simply don’t have the microphone that these people do.  But its when they make videos that our vegetarian friends like to inform us of such as this.  This is a deeply graphic and disturbing video that most people would not like to see.  It is footage of meat plants and how animals are treated when they are slaughtered.  Again back to our original point, we derive no pleasure from the slaughter of these animals, it is simply our food source and we enjoy it for a number of reasons.  Do you think this is funny, does this amuse you showing people what happens to animals because you think it will change us?  I agree that these animals should be treated more humanely but there are 300 million people to feed in this country and these ranchers don’t always have the time and space to treat these animals as humanely as we would like.  And I’m not sure how animals would react to the choice of a painful death or pleasant death.  They would probably just say, “You’re going to do WHAT to me?!?!”  Ok, you want to play this game? Let’s play.

There are over 300 million people in this country and over 7 billion people in the world, how do you expect to feed them all? With 1.6 billion people living in poverty and over 16,000 kids starving to death every year, I don’t think these people have the time to be picky eaters.   At the end of the day it costs a lot more to be a vegetarian.  Salads are more expensive than those dollar cheeseburgers McDonald’s likes to sell.  And, as we have said, most people don’t have the time and energy to go and buy vegetables to engineer their diets (or they just can’t afford it).  So maybe you should think about it next time you try to tell someone they are a terrible person for eating meat. Oh god, seriously don’t click on that link, I’m not sure what it is but I wasn’t going to stick around long enough to find out.

Am I defending carnivores? Yes, as long as it takes for these overzealous vegetarians to chill out.  I just think that most people want to live their lives, and there are more factors in their life than whether or not they eat vegetables.  Now to show that there are no hurt feelings…for the vegetarians.

Dick of the Week Super Bowl Special: Christina Aguilera and the Black Eyed Peas

7 Feb

I hadn’t originally planned to write a post on the Super Bowl, but after watching the game, I quickly realized that it was inevitable.  If you didn’t see the halftime show, this primer will sum it up for you.  The halftime show was probably one of the worst 20 minutes of my life, but it was like watching a train wreck.  And, God help me, I could not turn away.  Maybe it was the fact that Fergie appeared to be wearing football pads.  Maybe it was because will.i.am seemed to have walked off the set of JJ Abrams’ next Star Trek movie.  Maybe because The Other Guy (who cares what his name is) appeared to have a Lite-Brite™ duct taped to himself.  Truth be told, I don’t know why I decided to subject myself to watching the halftime show, but once I started there was clearly no way I was going to be able to look away.

Amazingly though, the halftime show was not the worst part of the night.  Christina Aguilera, who time has apparently not been kind to, made sure that we started off on the worst possible foot by actually forgetting the lyrics to the national anthem.

Look, the national anthem is tough.  I’m pretty sure I know all of the words, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I missed one here or there.  But listen.  If you’ve agreed to sing the national anthem for the Super Bowl, with 46 million people watching across the United States, YOU’D BETTER BE PRETTY DAMN SURE YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS.  It’s a huge honor to be able to sing before the Super Bowl, okay?  And if you can’t even be bothered to learn the Goddamn words, maybe you should LET SOMEONE ELSE SING IT.  It’s pathetic.  And by the way, the articles that are cropping up today asking if it’s fair to criticize Aguilera are almost EQUALLY shameful.  Really, CNN?  “I’m sure she’s beating herself up pretty good today about it.”  I’d hope so!  She deserves it!

I hope she OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT KILL IT WITH FIRE (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

I hold that Aguilera’s flub was the most shameful part of the Super Bowl, but it is a testament to how bad the halftime show was that the Black Eyed Peas managed to make most of us forget that it ever happened.

As I noted, the Black Eyed Peas came on stage dressed like the cast of Starship Troopers preparing for the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics.  Was that the worst part?  I’m really not sure.  There are so many things to choose from.  My personal favorite writer, Deadspin’s Drew Magary, walks us through a comprehensive breakdown.  Either that or a hilarious rant.  Either way, it’s quite useful.  Maybe the worst part was the fact that their giant LED “LOVE” failed to light up correctly, leaving us with what appeared to be “LOI’E,” which I’m assuming is a kind of cake.

No, no.  Maybe the worst part was when Slash emerged from the stage and participated in the systematic destruction of Sweet Child o’ Mine, a classic song which I will never be able to listen to again.  Not since I lost my taste for Tom Petty after my beloved Patriots lost Super Bowl XLII has a song been so ruined for me by a single sporting event.  Why Slash decided it was a good idea to perform with the Black Eyed Peas in the first place is beyond me.  Why he decided it was a good idea to do so while dressed in a sequined top hat is, well, probably beyond anyone’s comprehension.

Fergie and Slash. Yeah. #2 on the list of Things I Had Hoped Never To See, right behind Cris Collinsworth going down on Michael Moore.

It got so bad that I was actually THRILLED when Usher was lowered from the jumbotron.  To me, Usher was a HERO, because every second that Usher was singing was a second that the Black Eyed Peas were NOT singing.  Maybe this goes without saying, but I think that any halftime show in which Usher is the best part…is probably the worst halftime show of all time.

In the end, though, I can say with almost complete confidence that the single worst part of the halftime show was the fact that NOT ONE OF THE BLACK EYED PEAS HELD AN INSTRUMENT AT ANY POINT.  Seriously.  Not one of them.  It took a second to even register with me that none of them held an instrument, and I don’t remember a lot after that point because I was totally blinded with rage.  They literally could have put in a Black Eyed Peas CD and played a laser show, and the halftime show would have been exactly the same.  No, that’s not even true.  The halftime show actually would have been BETTER, because we wouldn’t have had to listen to Fergie’s pathetic warbling.  Fergie, I’m sorry, but you are the reason that autotune was invented.

When the Black Eyed Peas finally left the stage, I felt as though a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I felt, if you’ll pardon the analogy, like Moses finally emerging from the desert; for though it had been a mere 20 minutes, I felt as though it had been 40 years.  I may never understand why the NFL departed from the classic rock halftime show formula.  Frankly, I found the Black Eyed Peas performance to be more shocking and offensive than any wardrobe malfunction possibly could be.  In fact, literally the only GOOD thing about the halftime show was the fact that, with the Black Eyed Peas, Slash, and Usher all in the same place, the odds of them all dying at the same time skyrocketed.

Sadly, it didn’t happen, and instead of that happy memory we will forever be left with the sad sounds of Christina Aguilera forgetting the words to her own national anthem and Fergie howling at the moon.

Groundhog Day

2 Feb

I was about to write a post about how stupid the concept of “Groundhog Day” is, but then I remembered:

The greatest movie of all time.

Happy Groundhog Day, everyone.

Dick of the Week Special Comment

24 Jan

Today, as promised, a Special Comment on the firing of Keith Olbermann.  A mere two and a half months ago, we selected Keith Olbermann as our very first Dick of the Week.  With his unique blend of unapologetic hypocrisy and overwhelming egotism, Olbermann has always stood out to us as one of America’s most precious partisan commodities, and we have valued his almost constant presence near the top of the Dick of the Week list each and every week.  Yes, Olbermann has been at the top of our list week in and week out.  No one else.  Not Glenn Beck or Sarah Palin.  Not Brett Favre or Rex Ryan.  Not Ben Affleck, and not Charlie Sheen.

Just Keith.

And we believe that level of consistency has to be admired.  Few have been able to maintain such a constant lack of integrity.  Of course, those in charge at MSNBC shouldn’t admire him.  Granted, Countdown with Keith Olbermann had the highest ratings of any show on MSNBC, though that’s really akin to being the fastest sprinter at the Special Olympics.  We’re proud of Comcast, NBC’s new owners, in a way.

If I bought NBC, firing Keith Olbermann would be the first thing I would do, too.

Hope you weren't too attached to that office, Keith.

Two days have passed since Keith announced that he was leaving the network.  They were kind enough to allow him the time to sign off on his own terms.  But Keith couldn’t even let that go in a pleasant manner, using some of his time to instead throw his former employers, ESPN, under the bus for not allowing him a similar luxury when he left that network.

Indeed, I do believe that Keith…that Keith…

Okay, you know what, no.  I was going to do this entire post in the style of Keith Olbermann’s Special Comments, but I just couldn’t bring myself to finish.  Do you know how hard it is to sound that Goddamn pompous while maintaining a nonstop slew of hypocrisy?  It’s hard fucking work!  I threw up seven times just writing the intro to this post.  Olbermann has a strong stomach and (evidently) no mirror.

So we’re just going to go ahead and celebrate that our very first Dick of the Week has bitten the proverbial dust.  Maybe the title of this post is rubbing it in a little bit, but…well, yeah, it is.  And I love it.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Holiday Special: Christmas Exhibitionists

28 Dec

For years, we have been complaining about the fact that Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year.  We at Dick of the Week share you annoyance at the fact that we have to see Christmas decorations while we look for Halloween costumes in early October each year, but we’d like to take a moment to recognize an even more insidious foe.  As bad as it is too see Christmas decorations way too early, it is even more annoying to see Christmas decorations way too late.  That is why your Dick of the Week Holiday Special comes to you today in honor of those Christmas exhibitionists who so want you to appreciate the job they have done decorating their house that they leave their decorations up until Goddamn July.

Before you get offended, let’s be fair: we at Dick of the Week love Christmas lights.  There is nothing better than driving down a snowy road at night, when out of the darkness on the left you see softly glowing red and green lights illuminating a house with decorations carefully arranged to as to fill even the coldest heart with joy and warmth.  We love that, we really do.   But honest to God, as happy as seeing that house in December makes us, seeing that same house in May makes us exactly as furious.  It’s a good thing we don’t have kids, because it’s enough to make a man want to punch a baby.

Happy fucking Memorial Day, you cunts.

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