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A Bunch of Dicks including the Kardashians

21 Jul

Greetings once again to all of our loyal dick of the week followers.  We are so sorry that we neglect all of you for whatever reason that we do.  If you were a pet or house plant, you most certainly would have died.  I want to construct this post by building up to the dick I wanted to profile by inserting some stories that have recently been bothering me.

Our bad

Angry Birds reaches 300 million players.  Does anyone see the problem with this?  Every time I see a cut of hours spent of Facebook and Gmail and Google+ and angry birds…I question how much lost work time that is.  Seriously, I know way too many people who keep spare phone chargers at work just so they can keep those wonderful 2 hour battery life full screen wonders working.  Plus, it’s not like your gaining anything from this.  It’s a game of angles that allows you to knock things over….what is this?  pong, tetris, DXBall (classic 90s time waster). At least read some news, do something constructive.  But playing a crappy game that requires little to no skill really does nothing but waste your time with no benefit.  Just imagine how you’ll feel if your high score ever got deleted!  If you answer that question with anything even remotely close to despair, you are playing the game too much.


Over the weekend, a group of 5 Clemson students managed to get arrested for stealing breakfast cereal from the school cafeteria after hours.  This story was troubling for two reasons.  The first being the fact that college students went as far as to steal cereal…at night.  Seriously, cafeterias are tailor-made for little swipes here and there.  Loaf of bread here, ketchup bottle here, tub of ice cream once in a while (Panini Press?).  Are half of my plates and bowls from MY college cafeteria?  Maybe, but those luxuries are expensive and these ones were made for heavy-duty washing (Translation: Never buying new ones).  I also get all of my glasses from free giveaways at bars, but that is another story.  Going out of your way to steal something like cereal just puts you in needless legal trouble and honestly it’s more effort than it’s probably worth.  If you’re going to get busted, get busted stealing a whole pig or a bunch of steaks…..Not something like ramen.

After loans, this is all you can afford

The second (bigger) problem is that the bail for this crime was set at 5,407 dollars.  The crime involved 5 kids and bags of Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks, Captain Crunch and Cocoa Puffs.  I don’t care if 5,407 STUDENTS raided the cafeteria after hours, these are college students.  The amount of money doesn’t matter in this case, it’s more the fact that it IS money.  Think about it, you just got robbed by 5 people who clearly could not afford cereal…I bet if bail was set at 20 dollars they would show up for court.  No need to flip out over a few dollars worth of cereal.

How dare you take things you paid for with your tuition!

And finally, our winner this day.  Kim Kardashian sues Old Navy over lookalike in ads.  Listen, I usually don’t pick on people who have intellects that rival a 4th grader, but this was just too ridiculous.  This lawsuit says that Kardashian “has invested substantial time, energy, finances and entrepreneurial effort in developing her considerable professional and commercial achievements and success, as well as in developing her popularity, fame, and prominence in the public eye.”  Here’s the thing, these commercials at no point reference Ms. Kardashian, they really only infringe on her by having someone who looks exactly like her.  In fact, this person might surpass her because, as far as I can tell, she can sing, which would be a step up.

Hold on, this is a tough one...

This is funny because usually lookalikes are a joke, good-natured humor about two people who happen to look strikingly similar.  However, most celebrities provide some talent that can’t just be visually mimicked.  Like the Obama double, you can’t really copy Obama.  You couldn’t copy Tom Brady because Tom Brady has a discernible set of skills that would make the difference between the two readily apparent.  Singer, writers, musicians, athletes all have a skill that really can’t be copied, which is exactly why Kim Kardashian got so very angry over this doppelgänger (No WAY she knows what this means) stealing her skill of….wearing clothes?  Smiling?  Oh, I’ve got it!  Being tan.  Seriously, if your only skill is being a rich airhead, you can’t get too angry when someone new and younger comes and takes your place in this market.  Right Paris?  Just because Jersey Shore and The Kardashians have taken all of your attention, you can still get by on your talents.  Have your dad pay to make you another album!  Or do another sex tape, those seem to go over well!  The sky is the limit….kinda.  Editor’s note: We are very sad that a class of people such as this exists.  So, Kim, we are sad this took so long but you win this dick of the week.

BREAKING NEWS: Being alive increases chances of death

27 Jun

Greetings loyal readers!  It is time for me to explain my extremely cryptic title.  Sorry, unfortunately this is not a joke….By being alive, you increase your chances of dying.   This is my attempt to digest the alarming trend in health related news that I have noticed and my attempt to explain it.  Now these stories spark the interest of the average reader because they seem simple enough, person X didn’t know what that swelling in the back of their throat was.  Oh it’s nothing, just let it go.  Get’s larger, cold drugs don’t work.  They decide to see a doctor and BAM cockroach in the throat!..Wait that was an urban legend?  But it didn’t stop the news media from writing about it, did it?

For you see, this area of news reporting is very easy to mistake for completely legitimate.  They consult with doctors, they bring real cases, and they can do some real good by alerting people to take better care of themselves.  Hell we only need to glance at the obesity rate to realize that we are killing ourselves with food.  But just because Sanjay Gupta sounds legitimate every time, it doesn’t mean he’s not trying to serve you up a nice steaming pile of sensationalist crap (Not to pick on Dr. Gupta persay, he just happens to be a figure I’d assume you’d all recognize).  But let’s get started, shall we?

Not Sanjay Gupta

Dr. Gupta wrote an article praising a study about how to live to 100.  Very interesting tag line “Live to 100 years old.”  Who wouldn’t want to do that?  Well, me for one…but that has more to do with a fear of adult diapers and a hatred of needles, which seem impossible to avoid at that age.  But the article points out all the little things that we can do to increase our lifespan.  Flossing adds a year, a 5-day work week adds a year and a half,  and I will say I tried really hard to complete this survey thing but I am suspicious of anything that asks for my zip code.  I did take a look at the framework and its pretty simple (+1/-1).

Subtract 4 years from life expectancy

So you can add yourself up a pretty nice lifespan or you could end up dead.  Phrasing things this way can make people think that something such as life expectancy is so easy to control.  If go on a +30 years vegetarian diet and get hit by a bus, well shit that was a waste of time.  Not to be crass but this ultimately is a method to gauge your overall health and you shouldn’t try to sensationalize it by making it seem so concrete.  Do I think making some of the changes would be beneficial to the average person?  Yes.  Do I think you’re going to be able to pin point that flossing was the reason you checked out at 87 instead of 85?  Probably not.  But we can’t phrase it in general terms can we?  That’s not interesting!  Let’s go for another fun one.

This guy is clearly anxious

Sitting. Television.  For those of you rubes who were unaware, you are 18% more likely to die early if you watch a lot of television and 40% more likely to die prematurely if you sit a lot versus not sitting a lot.  Holy shit we are pretty much fucked, right?  I mean these are the big changes.  Yeah you could floss but your job has you sit 8 hours a day! Not to mention going home and sitting watching television.  We call that the death double team.  Now you have to choose either dying from sitting on your fat ass all day or living and starving to death standing around to be unemployed.  Quite the dilemma.  And as you read on, the author mentions heart disease and other obesity related maladies.  Hmm it couldn’t be that people who lead largely sedentary lifestyles are more likely to develop health problems that could lead to their premature death, could it?  The guy sitting on his couch 8 hours after 8 at work is probably also the guy who orders an entire pizza for dinner, but, no….that sounds reasonable.  No one would bother to read that.  Oh and thanks for just tossing in the whole “men are 20% more likely to die than women.”  Which happens to be a running theme of these articles.

What's the betting this has something to do with it?

Yes, many of these writers correctly ascertain that men are not the normal demographic of these pieces.  Clearly, they realize we just don’t care if that fourth beer is signing our own death warrant, you’re not going to change us.  But what if you scared the women around us into putting pressure on us?  For you see, these articles all ways refer to us as “men” or “your man”; while women are addressed as “you.”  And here is what women are being told about us.  Just take a minute to drink it all in.  It’s quite fantastic.  You can’t be tired, because you have sleep apnea!  Pain in your stomach?  Kidney stone or tumor.  Shitting blood?  It’s wasn’t those 35 hot wings you ate; you’ve got bladder cancer….or tumors.  In fact, that seems to be the running theme of this article: If its not 100% functioning, go to the doctor because you might be dying from cancer and/or tumors.  You turned a well intentioned article about getting persistent medical problems checked out into HOLY FUCKING SHIT GET TO YOUR DOCTOR DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED YOU ARE!??!?!?!!?  And we take a moment to ask, why?  Because it sounds more interesting when you do it that way, and god forbid the author didn’t get any attention.  And when authors do this, they tend to create panic and make people worry about things that are really in their heads.

It’s like the guy who goes on WebMD and diagnosis himself correctly.  For every one of those, I bet there are at least 10 hypochondriacs climbing up the wall for no reason.  Take the 10PM news caster that leads in with, “There’s a rapist in your area are you safe?”  Yeah, it might be scary, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the normal precautions that you usually do for your safety.  The world’s a scary place but you don’t need to freak out about every little terrible thing that is occurring or that COULD occur.  I wouldn’t need to get agitated about it if stories like this weren’t posted ALL.  OVER.  THE. WEB.  To be fair this list of things killing men is actually wrong.  It should read 5. Beer 4.Beef and Bacon 3. Women 2. Unexpected cleavage 1. and sensationalist reporters who could barely pass as high school “journalists.”  But I digress.

These medical journalists can probably help a lot of people out by passing along information about eating right and exercising.  That’s good.  But if you’re going to start blowing things our of proportion to get our attention about how we live our lives, well that just makes you a dick.

Dick of the Week, Mar. 7-Mar. 13: Massimo Busacca

13 Mar

Why hello all you happy viewers, welcome to this weeks dick of the week.  Having thought about this very fairly (?), I have decided to make Massimo Busacca our newest dick of the week.  Referees tend to be a subject that we shy away from attacking for several reasons.  1.  They are only human therefore it is always possible for anyone to find fault with them.  2.  Referees tend to make many mistakes and given the long list of evidence anyone can compile googling “Referee” and “Screw Up.”  3.  Everyone else does it so why would we follow everyone else?  We actually had 2 dandy examples this week when an entire officiating crew decided to not call an out of bounds play and traveling with 1.7 seconds left.  This was bad because it essentially gave Rutgers zero chance to come back after they called the game and a win for St. John’s.  However, the refs were back on the sideline and in action after withdrawing from the tournament.  Hey, refs are just part of the game right?  They, at least, admitted they were wrong and decided to withdraw from the tournament.

In soccer, or football or however you refer to that game where you kick the ball around on the ground and can’t touch it with your hands, the referees are given a lot of room to make judgment calls and impact the flow of the game.  Having refereed soccer games, one can never know when a player is faking, fell on his own, etc.  You have to rely on your own opinion and do the best to NOT change the game. Again, you don’t change the game and you don’t let it get out of hand.  The 85-year-old grandmother brandishing her walker and swearing might disagree, but what the hell, its your job and someone has to do it.

What Mr. Massimo did was the unforgivable crime of changing a game at the end of the game by giving one team a huge tactical advantage.  If you didn’t see, Massimo sent off Robin Van Persie in the 55th minute for shooting a ball 1 second after the whistle blew for being off sides.  1 second.  There were 35 MINUTES left.  You send the guy off for time-wasting with half an hour left in a game?  I suppose he forgot that referees add-on extra time to compensate for the time lost during the run of play because the clock doesn’t stop.

Who would have thought that this decision would actually look reasonable?

Yes, I’ll say it.  If the referee didn’t see this play as it happened, it’s OK to only give the guy a yellow.  If a guy had to be sent off for every player laying on the ground, the sides would never be 11 on 11.  As a referee, the last thing you want to do is ruin a match by sending off a player for little or no reason.  This is why time-wasting is generally only called in the waning minutes of a closer game when one side is attempting to kill precious few seconds.  Now, I understand that the stats are not in favor of Arsenal making a case the they were really going for the game….but I will refute that by saying NO ONE tries to out-play Barcelona at HOME.  Chelsea, Inter, Manchester United, and the Netherlands (which applies because most Barcelona play for Spain).  What is the common thread of all of these matches?  The away team goes to Camp Nou (or the World Cup Final) and either keeps it close or digs in for a DRAW in order to either steal the game late and/or take it to Barcelona at home.  You don’t usually attack Barca because you know they won’t let you control the game.  Arsenal wasn’t playing attacking football because that hasn’t proven to be an effective way to beat this Barcelona team.  Sorry, they weren’t playing anti-football because they wanted to, they were doing it because it made the most tactical sense being up 2-1 after the first leg.

But hey if they want to play with numbers, 2 goals and a good 10 shots (at least) followed Van Persie’s ejection, so let’s not lose our heads saying this didn’t change the match.  When you lose a man, it completely kills your team. Especially, if you are playing an up-tempo passing team such as Barcelona because they will run you into the ground if you can’t properly defend them.

The main point was that Busacca didn’t technically do anything wrong according to the laws of the game.  But according to the laws of the game, any player who lies on the ground in pain and gets up 2 seconds after a foul is given should PROBABLY be carded.  Any person who takes A STEP inside the 10 yard barrier of a free kick should be whistled and the kick should be retaken.  Shit, half of the insults that are said in other languages should be carded.  And EVERY player who wasted 1 second should have been shown a yellow if that was the way Busacca was calling the game.  If I were an Arsenal fan, I would  re-watch EVERY SINGLE GAME this guy referees and compile a list of every incident that matches Van Persie’s cardable offense.  I may be vindictive enough to do this, but it’s not my team and I don’t have enough time to attempt it.  It’s just bad gamesmanship, maybe he was looking for a red card after giving out so many to Arsenal in the first half, I don’t know.  But now we are all talking about this referee and not giving full credit to Barcelona, which is usually what referees try to avoid.  So, my congratulations to Massimo Busacca for ruining a really good football match by kicking a player out for an offense that most referees choose to ignore under similar circumstances.


All referees actually work for

At least it nothing has happened to the players or coaches yet after they literally called the referee a joke.

Dick of the Week, Feb. 28 – March 6: Natalie Williamson

10 Mar

After a week and a half of hardcore Charlie Sheen coverage, it is a little refreshing to be able to take a step back and appreciate some of the simpler things.  I always enjoy writing Dick of the Week articles, even more than I enjoy writing Hall of Fame articles.  While the Hall of Fame articles can usually be longer because of the greater depth of material from which to draw, the Dick of the Week allows us to channel the intense reaction that we have to a given dick’s actions quickly, before that passion has the chance to dissipate.  While Dick Hall of Fame articles are more meticulously crafted, I think Dick of the Week ones are where our creativity is really allowed to shine.

With that said, I would like to introduce your most recent Dick of the Week, Natalie Williamson.  This is a prime example of how this blog can take us in directions that we never planned.  Natalie Williamson’s situation is as follows: she boarded a VirginBlue plane with her husband and 17-month-old son.  Her husband and her son may or may not have been playing a “peek-a-boo” type game.  A flight attendant took it upon himself to join in on the game, and placed the child in one of the overhead compartments.  Natalie, shocked, instructed the flight attendant to remove her son from the compartment and return him to her, which he did.  The incident was reported, the flight attendant was fired, and Natalie was given a number of free flights to make up for the unfortunate incident.


As I said, sometimes this blog will end up going a completely different direction than we thought it would, and this is one of those times.  When I first read about the incident, I prepared myself to write a Dick of the Week entry on the flight attendant.  I mean, honestly.  He put a kid in an overhead bin.  Whether they were playing peek-a-boo or not, that’s just not the best decision–you don’t manhandle toddlers that don’t belong to you.  The flight attendant is clearly and idiot, and we’ll give him the distinction of calling him a dick, as well.

But when you read more about the incident, it quickly becomes apparent that it is Natalie, the mother, who is the real dick in this situation.  She should, frankly, have taken the free flights, thanked the airline for firing the flight attendant (who deserved to be fired), and been on her merry fucking way.

But no.

Natalie Williamson is a Goddamn martyr, and she wants the rest of you to know it.

Buckle your seatbelts, because you can almost smell the multi-million dollar lawsuit coming around the corner here.  Let’s look at a few of the comments that Natalie made to the Sunday Herald Sun about what happened:

“My husband, Shayne, was standing one metre behind my son, Riley, when the air steward picked him up and placed him in the overhead compartment.  I stood up and there were people laughing and then I said ‘Get my son out of there now.'”

First of all, if your name is Shane and you spell it with a ‘y,’ you are an asshole.  Simple as that.  But that’s not the point.  That account sounds reasonable, right?  A pretty matter-of-fact account of what happened.  I would probably fire the flight attendant based on that description alone.  Has she left it at that, the flight attendant would have been our Dick of the Week.  I’m pretty sure that’s where she should have stopped talking.

“I was devastated. I was absolutely devastated.”

“I was crying. My husband was in shock. For days on end I was crying.”



Look, the flight attendant fucked up.  There’s no arguing that.  Probably enough to even deserve that firing.  But you may have some issues lady.  You were crying for days because your son was put in an overhead compartment?  I mean Jesus, did we miss something?  Did the flight attendant refuse to remove the kid?  Was he in there for an hour or what?

The baby had been reportedly locked in the compartment for 10 seconds.


Judgment Cat thinks you're an idiot.

Let me share something with you.  When I was a little kid, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into tight spaces.  Behind the couch, under the bed, in the back of the closet, in kitchen cabinets, it didn’t matter.  If it was a tight space, I wanted to hang out there.  If I could have been put in an overhead compartment as a little kid, that would have been, quite literally, the best day of my life.  I can’t imagine the kid suffered too much.  But Natalie has other ideas!  Another excerpt:

Ms Williamson said Riley, now 20 months, had seen various specialists since the incident after suffering from anxiety and withdrawal.

“He won’t leave my sight now. He sleeps with me. If I’m not in the same room as him, he will scream and yell ‘Mum, mum, mum’,” she said.

Lady, the kid is just pissed off that you didn’t let him stay up there.  And can we take a moment here to appreciate how breathtakingly stupid it is for her to say the kid has been to “several specialists?” Anxiety and withdrawal?  How the hell would you even know if a 17-month-old was suffering from those things?  If anything, you’ve fucked him up more, because now he thinks something is wrong with him.  Sometimes it’s best to just cut your losses.  Yeah, a shitty thing happened to you, and now it’s time to move on.  Your kid doesn’t sleep through the night?  Welcome to motherhood, bitch.  Don’t blame VirginBlue because you’re a shitty parent.

I strongly urge you to consider these next time.

Mel Gibson Celebrates Charlie Sheen Week

1 Mar

Among the more interesting facts to come out of the past few days is the fact that Charlie Sheen claims to have received messages of support from Mel Gibson, Sean Penn, and Colin Farrell, otherwise known as the Holy Trinity of Psychotic Actors.

“Sean Penn was over the other night and we had a few laughs,” Charlie told Piers Morgan.  And look, it’s not that Charlie Sheen isn’t a funny guy.  Shit, I can imagine I’d be laughing my tits off if I got to spend five minutes with the guy.  It’s just that…look, Sean, is this really the time to be knocking back a few beers with your pal Charlie?  It’s not as though Penn hasn’t had issues of his own in this realm.

But really, I think the most important thing to come out of this was the following statement:

“[Mel Gibson] was just great. Not calling with any advice. [He said] ‘Just thought you might like to hear a friendly voice.  He was a stone cold dude, I was impressed.”

We’ve minced no words about our love for Mel Gibson here. The man has made a science out of being a dick.  But we can only imagine what his conversation with Charlie Sheen must have been like…


CHARLIE SHEEN: Man am I WINNING.  It’s only a matter of time before CBS sees the light and lets me come back to work.  Who cares if I do a little cocaine–it helps me remember my lines.  I wouldn’t be HALF the actor I am today without cocaine.

[phone rings]

CS: Now who the hell could that be?  Some other loser reporter jealous of my gnarly and bitchin’ life?


CS: MEL! Good to hear from you, buddy! What have you been up to?

MG: Well, to tell you the truth Charlie, been reading a lot about you.

CS: Oh man, that’s good to hear, Mel. I’m sure you of all people get how fuckin’ awesome my life is. You and me, we’re the same, bro.

MG: Well, Charlie, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.  You know, my life used to be great.  I was on top of the world.  I was Mad Max, man, I was Braveheart.  But I made some mistakes, Charlie.  I threatened my ex-girlfriend.  I’m not proud of it.  I made some hateful comments.  All that started my life in a downward spiral, Charlie.

CS: Shit Mel, are you for real?


CS: HA! I knew it!  Seriously though Mel, I do need some help.


CS: Well you know how pissed off I am at this bitchy little punk Chuck Lorre.


CS: I wanted to really dig deep, so I called him Chaim Levine–you know, to let people know that he’s really Jewish.


CS: Fuckin’ right.  But these fucking losers didn’t get it.  I need advice from the master on how to insult some frickin’ Jews.


CS: Way ahead of you.


CS: Gonna be tough since those CBS fucks won’t let me work, but I’m with you.


CS: You’re a fuckin’ genius, Mel!


CS: So that clears up the Jews thing.  Any other advice, Mel?


CS: Damn right I do.  What do you think I should tell them?


CS: That was beautiful, Mel.


CS: Enjoy!


We love you, Mel.

My life fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories. I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called “Max”. To understand who he was, you have to go back to another time. When the world was powered by the black fuel. And the desert sprouted great cities of pipe and steel. Gone now, swept away. For reasons long forgotten, two mighty warrior tribes went to war and touched off a blaze which engulfed them all. Without fuel, they were nothing. They built a house of straw. The thundering machines sputtered and stopped. Their leaders talked and talked and talked. But nothing could stem the avalanche. Their world crumbled. The cities exploded. A whirlwind of looting, a firestorm of fear. Men began to feed on men. On the roads it was a white line nightmare. Only those mobile enough to scavenge, brutal enough to pillage would survive. The gangs took over the highways, ready to wage war for a tank of juice. And in this maelstrom of decay, ordinary men were battered and smashed. Men like Max. The warrior Max. In the roar of an engine, he lost everything. And became a shell of a man, a burnt out, desolate man, a man haunted by the demons of his past, a man who wandered out into the wasteland. And it was here, in this blighted place, that he learned to live again…

Fictional Dicks: Military Subordinates

10 Feb

Fictional Dicks is a feature that I have wanted to implement for some time, but I have just never been properly inspired to so.  However, while watching television today, I was struck by something that I’ve seen a million times before but never bothered to think about: military subordinates are dicks with no idea how to communicate with their superior officers.

When I say “subordinates,” I mean that in a completely relative sense.  Here’s the real problem.  How many times have you watched a tv show or movie where the following exchange has taken place:

Subordinate: “General, do you read me?”
General: “I read you. What’s the situation?”
Subordinate: “You’d better get up here.” [alternately: “You’re going to want to see this.”]

Yeah, Private.  Because God knows the General doesn’t have more important things to do than report to you with literally no explanation about what’s going on.  Do military leaders never do or see anything important unless some random subordinate tells them first?    I mean Jesus, how useless is that general if he is willing to come running at the beck and call of some random subordinate with absolutely no explanation?

“You’re going to want to see this.”  What the fuck does that mean?  I want to see a lot of things.  Is there a pony on a unicycle in the command center?  I’d sure as fuck want to see that, but it probably doesn’t help much with the fight situation.  Has some sort of superweapon appeared that will help us win the battle?  That seems unlikely, but it also seems to happen more often than not in sci-fi situations.  But if that were the case, would said subordinate not be better off simply saying “General, a superweapon has arrived that will almost certainly win us the battle!”  I’d sure as FUCK come running then!

"I'm going to want to see this?" Yeah, no, don't worry. I wasn't busy saving the planet or anything.

But I honestly think that “you’d better get up here” is even worse.  Really, Private? I’d “better” get up here?  Who the fuck do you think you are demanding my presence for (apparently) no reason whatsoever?  Did HQ call?  Am I being relieved of command?  Has the enemy broken though our lines?  Hell, it doesn’t even give any indication whether it’s positive or a negative.  It is EQUALLY LIKELY to mean that victory is imminent, that defeat is imminent, OR THAT SOMEONE DROPPED THE GENERAL’S BURRITO ON THE FLOOR.  I know it’s a little thing, but it grates on me, it really does.

Maybe what’s worse is that I have never seen a show in which a subordinate delivered one of those two lines, and the superior officer responded appropriately.  The APPROPRIATE response in this situation has to be something along the lines of “IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME A GOOD GODDAMN REASON FOR WHY YOU JUST CONTACTED ME, I WILL COME UP THERE, AND IT’LL BE TO STAB YOU IN THE HEART WITH MY FUCKING BAYONET.”  Or something along those lines, I’m really just paraphrasing.  Honestly, nothing drives me crazy like lazy dialogue, and those two lines are the epitome of it.  Throwaway lines designed to increase suspense for a few seconds, lazily written and reused in every military or science fiction thriller ever.

It’s stupid and I hope I never hear it again.  Any writer who has ever written those lines is a dick, and every fictional character who has delivered them should be drawn and quartered.

Dick of the Week, Jan. 17-23: Jeff Pearlman and Sofia Black D’Elia

1 Feb

Yeah, I’m late. A week late, in fact.  But fuck you, I can be late once in a while.  It’s been a long week.

Usually it’s not that difficult to choose a Dick of the Week.  Oh, there are tough calls, for sure, but usually one dick of another rises to the top and demonstrates that they are, in fact, the Dick of the Week.  Not so for last week.  No, there were two candidates for the title last week, each incredibly deserving of the award.  In the end, I elected to forgo the difficult and certainly arduous task of choosing between them, instead electing to allow them to share the award.  Would they be pissed if they knew?  Probably.  Which makes it all the better for me.  Let’s start with Mr. Pearlman, shall we?

Jeff Pearlman is a writer for Sports Illustrated.  Yes, Sports Illustrated still exists.  I was surprised, too!  Since I was surprised that SI is still in publication at all, it should not surprise you that I have never read any of Mr. Pearlman’s writing.  He may be a fantastic writer (probably not, since ESPN hasn’t hired him away–just kidding!); I simply can’t say one way or the other.  But one thing that I can say for sure about him is that he has exceptionally thin skin.

But he looks so professional.

Jeff Pearlman apparently discovered that the internet is not a land of civility where everyone says nice things about one another.  When a few of Mr. Pearlman’s Twitter followers said some not very nice things about him, Pearlman decided to, in true serial killer form, track them down and call them at home. Just like any reasonable person would do.

Obviously Jeff was unhappy with being insulted.  Which is understandable.  Not everyone thrives on abuse like we do here.  However, here is one exceprt from the article:

When I later noted to Matt, via Twitter, that my 7-year-old daughter happened to be next to me when I clicked on the picture, he wrote: “lmao. You’re so full of —-.”

Now, that’s not all that unreasonable.  Except that the NEXT LINE IN THE ARTICLE is: “Normally, this sort of thing doesn’t faze me. Write sports for a living (especially online, as I do for, insults come with the turf.”

Let me get this straight, Jeff.  You are fully aware of the fact that people insult each other on the internet, and also understand that you, as a sports writer for a major publication, often come directly in the line of fire of foul mouthed people who want to make you feel bad.  And, while understanding both of these things (I cannot emphasize that enough), you STILL chose to look at what people were saying about you on Twitter with your 7-year-old daughter on your lap.  Okay, while “Matt” may be an asshole, YOU sir are an idiot.

And the worst part is…well, the fact that that isn’t even the worst part.  Pearlman really did track down two of his “haters” and phone them at their homes.  “I wanted to bash him,” Pearlman says. “I wanted to plaster his name, address and personal information atop a column on, so that when someone Googled his name for future employment, they’d find the words “Sent me a link to pornographic material.” What’s worse, that Pearlman was overcome with total rage over being sent porn (something that every single person in the world, famous or not, has had happen to them) or that he thinks that a potential employer would really care?  How does Pearlman think that exchange would go down?

Potential Employer 1: “Well, I like this Matt guy a lot.”
Potential Employer 2: “Yes, I agree. Seems like a perfect candida—-wait, WAIT A MINUTE.  JEFF PEARLMAN SAYS THIS MAN LIKES PORN.”
Potential Employer 1: “How does Jeff Pearlman even know this man?  No no, never mind. Just banish him!”

"Sure he's an expert in the field, but PORN."

Pearlman notes that, in the end, he actually liked the individuals that he called.  He uses this as a lesson on how even the best of people lose their civility when they take to the internet, attempting to teach all of us that we really should behave online.  And while this may be a worthwhile lesson, the fact that Pearlman thinks that we can learn anything from his experience tells me that he has absolutely no idea that his behavior is really much closer to “insane psychopath” than “teacher.”  Pearlman, you’re a huge dick.  And please, PLEASE call me at home and I will explain why.  You probably will not like me as much as “Matt.”

Sofia Black D’Elia is another story altogether, though she, too, had exhibited as severe a case of being out of touch with reality as I have ever seen.

Sofia is an actress in the new MTV show Skins, which has come under fire recently due to the fact that it, you know, appears to violate those pesky child pornography laws.  In fairness though, how was MTV supposed to know that portraying children having sex on screen would be considered “child porn?”  There was really just no way for them to prepare themselves for that.  The show is apparently on the verge of cancellation now, but that hasn’t stopped Sofia from stepping out and defending the show.

Let’s start with the obvious.  Look, MTV. We know you think you’re “racy.”  We know you’re really, REALLY stretching for quality programming.  We know you need a hit show to get back on top.  BUT YOU CAN’T FUCKING HAVE KIDS HAVING SEX ON SCREEN. YOU JUST CAN’T.  I know it’s a hard concept.  I know.  But sometimes you actually CAN’T do things you want to do.

Snooki: legal. Skins cast: not legal. Wow, I just made myself sad.

But MTV’s stupidity does not trump that of it’s star(?) actress Sofia, who firmly believes that she has her finger on the pulse of America.  “All I can say is that as an actor on the show I’m proud of everything that we’ve done,” she says. “We created something that we really care about. We feel the show has so much heart and so much potential and can impact so many teenagers.” And while it’s certainly understandable to be proud of a show that you are a part of, the idea that she is CHANGING THE LIVES of teens across the globe simply by having lesbian sex on screen is arrogant, to say the least.  Hell, if having hot, hot sex on screen was enough to change world, I would happily lead the philanthropy parade.

Addressing concerns about the show’s impact on kids, she goes on to say, “we’re not raising America’s children, parents are!  If you’re nervous about it, watch it with them. Maybe it will be a great conversation starter on topics they normally aren’t comfortable talking about with their kids, like sex and drugs.”

Now, this tells me that Sofia Black D’Elia simply does not have parents.  She must not.  Because anyone with parents would know that, between the ages of 3 years old and, I don’t know, DEATH, the LAST things that anyone wants to talk about with their parents are sex and drugs.  Oh, and by the way, if it takes an alcohol-induced lesbian cheerleader sex scene on MTV to get you to broach those subjects with your kids, YOU’RE A REALLY SHITTY PARENT.

Worst of all, though, was this comment from Sofia:  “Everyone in our cast is under 20 so that immediately, I think, kind of puts people on edge ‘cause these are real teenagers doing these things. It’s what teens are doing, the way teenagers behave…drugs all of that and the sex they’re vices and that’s what teenagers have.”

Pictured: vices.

Look, Sofia.  Maybe some people would give you the benefit of the doubt on this, but give me a fucking break.  You are a (barely) 19-year-old Hollywood starlet.  The idea that you know what “real teenagers” are doing would be laughable if it weren’t so Goddamn insulting.  To imply that your alcoholic, sex-crazed, popular cheerleader lesbian character represents what you would have us believe to be common teen issues is just…just stupid.  You’re stupid.

The fact is that Hollywood actors have been trying to tell us how to behave for ages, making us believe that they know what’s happening in the “real world” better than we do.  And it’s always insulting.  But a 19-year-old telling parents that they have “serious trust issues” because they won’t let their kids watch what is apparently legally child porn probably crosses a line that would make even George Clooney say, “jeez, that’s a little pretentious.”

So Sofia, shut the fuck up.  Jeff, you too.  These two were such dicks last week that we have our first joint award, and damned if they don’t both deserve it.

Honorable Mentions:

Jermaine Pennant: Most of you have probably never heard of Jermaine Pennant.  He is a soccer player for the English Premier League club Stoke City.  Although Stoke are a terrible team, Jermaine clearly is not wanting for cash, as he recently forgot that he owned a Porsche.  He parked the car at a Spanish train station, and there it sat for over a month, accumulating tickets, until it registered with someone that the Porsche with the license plate that read “P33NNT” might belong to Pennant.  Yeah, Pennant forgot he owned a car that costs more money than most of us make in a year.


Dick of the Week Special Comment

24 Jan

Today, as promised, a Special Comment on the firing of Keith Olbermann.  A mere two and a half months ago, we selected Keith Olbermann as our very first Dick of the Week.  With his unique blend of unapologetic hypocrisy and overwhelming egotism, Olbermann has always stood out to us as one of America’s most precious partisan commodities, and we have valued his almost constant presence near the top of the Dick of the Week list each and every week.  Yes, Olbermann has been at the top of our list week in and week out.  No one else.  Not Glenn Beck or Sarah Palin.  Not Brett Favre or Rex Ryan.  Not Ben Affleck, and not Charlie Sheen.

Just Keith.

And we believe that level of consistency has to be admired.  Few have been able to maintain such a constant lack of integrity.  Of course, those in charge at MSNBC shouldn’t admire him.  Granted, Countdown with Keith Olbermann had the highest ratings of any show on MSNBC, though that’s really akin to being the fastest sprinter at the Special Olympics.  We’re proud of Comcast, NBC’s new owners, in a way.

If I bought NBC, firing Keith Olbermann would be the first thing I would do, too.

Hope you weren't too attached to that office, Keith.

Two days have passed since Keith announced that he was leaving the network.  They were kind enough to allow him the time to sign off on his own terms.  But Keith couldn’t even let that go in a pleasant manner, using some of his time to instead throw his former employers, ESPN, under the bus for not allowing him a similar luxury when he left that network.

Indeed, I do believe that Keith…that Keith…

Okay, you know what, no.  I was going to do this entire post in the style of Keith Olbermann’s Special Comments, but I just couldn’t bring myself to finish.  Do you know how hard it is to sound that Goddamn pompous while maintaining a nonstop slew of hypocrisy?  It’s hard fucking work!  I threw up seven times just writing the intro to this post.  Olbermann has a strong stomach and (evidently) no mirror.

So we’re just going to go ahead and celebrate that our very first Dick of the Week has bitten the proverbial dust.  Maybe the title of this post is rubbing it in a little bit, but…well, yeah, it is.  And I love it.


Dick of the Week, Jan. 10-16: Eric Fuller

18 Jan

Regular readers will no doubt remember my last two posts and understand that the Arizona shooting tragedy was an event that affected me deeply.  Those who attempted to capitalize politically off of the tragedy should be ashamed of themselves, from Paul Krugman to Jonathan Alter to Sarah Palin for using the term “blood libel” to those who attacked Sarah Palin for using the term “blood libel.”  All dicks, every one of them.  And while Alter and Krugman were probably the most egregious violators of Wheaton’s Law, there were a few others who managed to separate themselves from the pack.  Eric Fuller is one such person.

Mr. Fuller not only demonstrated his dickishness, he did it a week later, allowing us to stretch this tragedy out even further and giving Godawful cable news networks even more material to run with.  You see, Eric Fuller was a survivor of the original shooting which left Rep. Gabrielle Giffords hospitalized and six others dead.  Fuller was hit by one of Jared Loughner’s bullets that day, but was thankfully able to drive himself to the hospital to receive treatment.  How did Mr. Fuller choose to celebrate his release from the hospital?  Perhaps he went off to celebrate life and reflect on how lucky he was?

Perhaps he went where we go to celebrate life.

None of the above, I’m afraid.  Instead, this past Saturday, Mr. Fuller elected to go to an event hosted by Tea Party spokesman Trent Humphries and Republican State Rep. Terri Proud.  There, Mr. Fuller did what we expect anyone who just went through a near death experience would do: he began to heckle and boo the speakers, causing a general disruption.  Naturally when you’ve just lived through a public massacre perpetrated by an unbalanced-looking gentleman with a gun, the first thing you want to do is disrupt a public forum while appearing to be unbalanced.

Amazingly, that appeared to be Mr. Fuller’s thought, as his next move was the more insidious one.  After the speakers had made some comments that he disagreed with, Mr. Fuller stood up, took a picture of Mr. Humphries with his camera, and announced, “you’re dead.”

Kind of seems like not much more needs to be said on that score.  Having just had his life threatened by a gun-toting maniac, Mr. Fuller decided to make death threats against those he, apparently, disagreed with politically.  Not the smartest of moves, but we’ll give him credit for having balls of steel.  Not surprisingly, Mr. Fuller was escorted from the premises by deputies immediately and “involuntarily” checked into a mental institution for psychiatric evaluation.
Naturally, Fuller drew praise from some left-wing sources, such as Eric Boehlert, of Media Matters.  Boehlert mockingly states that unjust smearing of Fuller would begin immediately.  Of course, this must have been before a little bit of evidence showed up that Fuller might just be as crazy as he seems.  The Tucson Citizen turned up a host of radical and inappropriate comments from Fuller.  Let’s look at a few of them:

“It looks like Palin, Beck, Sharron Angle and the rest got their first target,” Fuller said. (Democracy Now interview)

Mr. Fuller spoke dismissively of Republicans during the interview. “They appeal to simple-minded rednecks,” he said. (New York Times interview, via RedState)

In the interview, he repeatedly denounced the “Tea Party crime syndicate[.] ” (New York Times interview, via RedState)

The Tea Party, maybe.

Does it seem hypocritical for anyone to defend Fuller after the barrage of hatred and blame placing that followed the Arizona shootings?  And even after all the calls for unity and peace, are we surprised that someone would do something like this?  Speaking personally, I can’t say I am.

Is there a silver lining?  Perhaps.  Mr. Fuller saved a little face by apologizing a few days later, saying that he deeply regrets the incident and really wishes that he could take it all back.  Well of course.  Fuller demonstrated that he isn’t very self-aware, but it would take a Palin-esque lack of self-awareness to not realize that he seriously fucked up.  Still, we do give him a minutia of credit for apologizing.  However grudging it may have been, it’s still a major step up on a lot of other Dicks of the Week.  But for turning massive public goodwill on its head just for the sake of threatening a minor Tea Party operative, Eric Fuller is, hands down, your Dick of the Week.

Honorable Mentions:

Anyone Who Gives A Shit About The Zodiac Changes: Yes, I know our friend Shenanigans already did a Hall of Fame post on a similar topic, but honestly.  It’s pretty crucial to note that it’s not as though the Earth shifted positions last night.  This “change” has been true for hundreds (if not thousands) of years, it’s just that someone now decided to point it out on (GOD FORBID) the internet.  Oh, and anyone who didn’t notice the part about how none of this matters unless you were born after 2009 is also a fucking moron.  Of course, none of this matters anyway because if you believe in astrology you are already a colossal fucktard and we do not want you reading our blog. Seriously. Click the X, assholes.

Rex Ryan: GOOOOOOOO TOOOOOOOOO HELLLLLLLLL. And that’s all I have to say about that. At least until you die of heart failure and I can dance on your grave, you gigantic fat fuck.


Midweek Dicks: Jonathan Alter

13 Jan

Alright, I’m not going to lie to you. I’m not comfortable making Jonathan Alter our Dick of the Week this week for two reasons.  First, I just did a Dick Hall of Fame post on Pundits as a whole, and since Mr. Alter falls squarely into that category, it would be unnecessarily redundant.  Second, Alter’s Newsweek article following the Arizona shooting tragedy was so unbelievably out of line that I’m almost hesitant to call him a dick.  The flippancy of “dick” almost cheapens the fact that Alter demonstrated himself to be, really, just an awful fucking human being.

But, then again, if I merely ignore him, many of our readers many never know what a complete fucking dickbag Jonathan Alter is, and that would be a greater tragedy.

Alter, preparing to eat this old woman (citation needed).

Compared to Jonathan Alter, Paul Krugman looks like Walter Cronkite.  In fact, I would rather read every Paul Krugman article than read one more Jonathan Alter article.  The many of you who read my previous article dealing with Krugman, will understand how much spite it would take for me to say that.  Let’s examine some of what Mr. Alter said:

“Conservatives like to argue that these are isolated incidents carried out by lunatics and therefore carry no big lessons (unless the perpetrator is Muslim, in which case it’s terrorism); liberals view them as opportunities to address various social ills. Obama is in the latter category and should act accordingly. “You never want a serious crisis to go to waste,” Rahm Emanuel famously said in 2008. The same goes for a shooting spree that gravely wounds a beloved congresswoman.”

If just reading those words doesn’t make your skin crawl, allow me to spell out their meaning a little more clearly.  Republicans, according to Mr. Alter, are fools for believing that this incident was carried out by one insane individual (which it was).  Furthermore, they are racist for believing that Islamic terrorist strikes are a symptom of a larger terror threat (which they are).  To Mr. Alter, the tragic shooting of Rep. Giffords and, lest we forget, the death of six others (including a nine-year-old girl) is little more than an opportunity to advance a political agenda.  Alter references the gun control laws that were passed in the wake of the Martin Luther King, Jr. shooting, and laments the fact that similar opportunistic legislation won’t be passed.

But you think I’m exaggerating, no doubt.  “Yeah, that paragraph sounds bad, but it’s not like Alter is seriously advocating blatantly politicizing the tragedy for political gain.”  And I would like to agree with you, I really would.  But Alter chooses to close his article with this:

“Sad to say, if Giffords had died, she would have been mourned and soon the conversation would have moved on. But Giffords lives, thank God, which offers other possibilities. We won’t know for weeks or months whether she can function in public. If she can, she will prove a powerful referee of the boundaries of public discourse[.]”

Now THAT should make your skin crawl.  Jesus Christ!  James Taranto puts it best in the Wall Street Journal when he says “‘Thank God’ she lived, he says, because he has the rest of her life planned out for her. This is such an obscenity that Newsweek should be delivered in a plain brown wrapper.”  Alter’s desire to parade the victim of this tragedy to promote an political agenda is as shameful an act of yellow journalism as we have ever seen.  And when I say “yellow journalism,” I don’t mean the yellow journalism you learned about in history class.  I mean Alter is a coward.  If Newsweek had any decency, they would fire him.

On right, Newsweek.  The people that published this shameful excuse for an article.  Let’s not pretend even for a moment that Alter acted alone.  Alter’s editors are equally if not more responsible for his terrible rhetoric, as they had the power to stop or moderate him at any point in the editorial process.  Yet they allowed his article to stand.  Perhaps they did edit some things out–wouldn’t that be scary?

Newsweek's editorial process.

Taranto links to a Fox News video in which even Rahm Emanuel was horrified that Alter invoked his words in the article: “First of all, what I said was: Never allow a good crisis to go to waste when it’s an opportunity to do things that you had never considered or that you didn’t think were possible. That’s not intended for this moment, [nor] does it apply to this moment.”  When even Rahm “I Send Dead Fish To My Political Detractors” Emanuel calls you out, you’ve got to be one serious dick.

Fuck Jonathan Alter.  Fuck him for trying to politicize this national tragedy.  Fuck him for not even having the courtesy to hide behind pretext, as even Paul Krugman did.  Fuck him for thinking that his words were in ANY WAY appropriate.  He has faced backlash, as he should.  Hopefully Newsweek will face similar repercussions.  But those who criticize the right for making baseless claims that incite violence should take care to consider the fact that Alter’s article should make any man with common sense want to punch a wall.