Archive | Turned in Late RSS feed for this section

The 5 Sports Fans who Actually Have a Right to Complain

22 Feb

Every town that has a losing team in some professional sport decides that their grief deserves the most attention.  NO ONE has it worse than they do, except for the other towns that do have it worse.   And who cares about those fans you’ve never met?   They just don’t understand!   Boston fans were like this for a long time, and we loved them for it.  They were the Chicken Little waiting for sky to fall, the bottom to drop out, the good times to end.  That attitude was tragic then, and after their success it just makes them unbearable bad sports. “We KNEW we were going to lose to the Giants, that game was always going to turn out like that.”  Please cry into your 3 Super Bowls in 4 years.   This list is different.  These sports fans have not seen a championship in decades and have been forced to endure countless turmoil on top of their losing seasons.  These are fans so cynical and dejected that they basically support their hometown team only because it gives them some sort of self-hating pleasure.  Or they are transfixed, as we all are, in the prospect of next year…

To add some context for this list:

We only selected towns that had multiple sports franchises and only took into account professional sports franchises in the 4 major sports of Football Baseball Basketball and Ice Hockey.  It is too hard to consider college teams and if you are a fan of some smaller sport it doesn’t qualify as mainstream in our eyes.   We also factored in how intense fans were about the sports in question.  I understand the Florida Panthers have never won a Stanley Cup, but somehow I don’t think that hockey resonates with the general public down there.  So lets jump in, shall we?

"Remember these guys?"

 

5. Seattle, WA:  Mariners, Seahawks, Sonics.

A quick glance, Seattle has been a part of major sports since the 1970’s and the city does have one championship in 1979 for Basketball to hold onto. Their fans are passionate given that their 12th man has been notorious for coaxing NFL Quarterbacks  into off-sides penalties. They also have managed to sync a lot of their jerseys with the same lime green color which speaks to the unity a lot of fans feel with their sports teams. However, they have failed in every attempt since 1979 to secure another title in a major sport.  The Seahawks made their magical run to the Super Bowl only to lose to Big Ben. The Mariners have been lucky enough to find talents and draft talents such as Ken Griffey Jr., Randy Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, and Ichiro Suzuki. However, the market was just too small for the owners to afford to keep all their great players. They have watched all but Ichiro walk away in free agency or a last minute deal due to pending free agency without attaining much major success. These issues are frustrating enough for any town to deal with but the major reason they make this list is because of the franchise they lost.

The Seattle Supersonics were sold to a group from Oklahoma City in 2006 to become the franchise now known as the Oklahoma City Thunder. The idea at first was not to move team but that keyed on a new arena deal which seems to be a standard demand for most franchises these days. The team had a lease but was having problems staying in their current facility which prompted them forcing a legal battle to escape their lease earlier than was planned. This eventually was successful and the team was moved to Oklahoma in 2008. To add salt in the wound, the team had been SO bad for so long that owners had accumulated a number of high lottery draft picks in players like Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. Now the Oklahoma City Thunder (I don’t get it either) are one of the top teams in the NBA and seem ready to compete for the title for many years.  All that pain and suffering of losing your team punctuated by seeming someone else bearing the fruit of your losing seasons…not exactly a good feeling. David Stern’s grin fucking won’t go really far to soothing Seattle.  I personally don’t see how a consolation franchise could make you feel better.  That team doesn’t always have the same feel as the one that got away.  Any new Seattle team would have a clean slate and lack the history of the team that left.  Later, we will get into that type of pain in a little more detail.

....sure you are

4. Cincinnati, OH Bengals and Reds

The city of Cincinnati has a strong baseball history with the Reds but their team’s success has started to fade into history. They have been shockingly mediocre since their last World Series in 1990, and seem to spend more time debating whether Pete Rose (a member of the Famed Big Red Machine) should be in the Hall of Fame and less about the success of the current roster. But many midwest franchises have fallen on hard times recently with the financial explosion of baseball.  You either have to be ready to spend more money than the Philadelphia’s and the St. Louis’s or hope to draft well and put together the right combination of home grown talent (i.e. Moneyball).  This team is at least more dignified than the calamity of the Bengals franchise that is also in the city.

The Bengals have never taken home a title to the town which, much like the rest of the Midwest, adores football. But the way the Bengals fail have really made sports fans cringe. The countless draft busts in supposed franchise saving players such as Akili Smith, David Klingler and Ki-Jana Carter have been poster boys for the losing seasons that made most fans go to the games wearing paper bags.  They have made some recent strides at success but those years have not come without turmoil. Least we forget this video. The team had a group of selfish players, many of whom have become the poster boys for “character risks”. We aren’t talking about Chad Ochojohnson, we are talking about Cedric Benson being arrested, the tragic career of Chris Henry, the recent folly of Jerome Simpson (you know, the guy whose flip was on ESPN Top Plays for like 4 months), and Adam Pacman Jones because the team thought they could handle them.  Every time we see the Bengals have some success they punctuate it with off the field problems that lead to suspensions, and unfortunately, after this playoff run, one can only hope it doesn’t happen again

Worst 0 for 4 EVER

3. Buffalo, NY  The Bills and the Sabres

Buffalo at first doesn’t seem that tragic. The Sabres are a fairly old franchise that hasn’t managed to get over the Stanley Cup hump but they have very committed fans and a new hope with the Pegula ownership group. The Bills Fans are constantly at the top of the “Best Tailgating list.” The fans seemed really energized with the early season success of the Bills this year, and you have to respect the passion of these fans considering it’s so god damn cold up there. We just have to ask, if these fans are such dedicated fun people, HOW CAN THEY KEEP GOING AFTER LOSING FOUR STRAIGHT SUPER BOWLS. FOUR. IN. A. ROW.  IN.  FOUR. YEARS.  Jim Kelly has to be one of the saddest people out there.  You’d think that they would get lucky once.  You honestly cannot make that one up.  Is this the town that “Any given Sunday” forgot?  They haven’t made the playoffs since the late 90’s!.    Losing is one thing but long term failure after 4 straight heartbreaking defeats in the biggest football game of the year….just feels too tragic.  Maybe one year Buffalo finally win one, but that’s got to be just as bad as some of the baseball curses.

D'awwwww

2. Cleveland, OH Browns and Cavaliers, Indians.

Sorry Lebron. This isn’t all about you.

This is about the Cleveland Browns. A team that had its glory days back in the 1960’s. Their last playoff appearance was in 2002 and they have their own recent history of draft busts such as Tim Couch and Courtney Brown. The real tragedy was how they ended up losing their franchise for a few years.

Relocation stories can be tragic but some have happy endings.  The Baltimore Colts moved to Indianapolis, but Baltimore got a franchise and both the Colts and Ravens have won Super Bowls and enjoyed many winning seasons in recent memory.  Baltimore happened to get its franchise by relocating Cleveland’s historic franchise to Baltimore, and Cleveland got….an expansion team.  Nice.  Not quite the same.  Having an established franchise versus building one from the ground up just sucks.  You KNOW your team is bad and that you are going to have to endure early failures for at least 2-3 years before hoping to compete.  The expansion team got to keep the Browns name and legacy but that didn’t change the fact that the fans didn’t have football for THREE YEARS. The fans were famously violent after their final home game and did a number on the stadium. The real stick in the eye was that the new Baltimore franchise would go on to win the Super Bowl 4 years after relocation, which can only make fans annoyed that their team could have had a long awaited Super Bowl. Instead they lost their team and got to start over while many players that they drafted got to hoist the trophy the Dawg Pound has is still waiting for.

The Cleveland Indians have also been fairly unsuccessful outside of losing the 1997 World Series to the Florida Marlins. They last brought a championship to Cleveland in 1948, which just increases the championship drought of this town. LeBron James energized the town when he was drafted because he was a local talent who was tabbed as the next Michael Jordan, which made the town feel that long awaited success was just around the corner. But in the end, a few failed playoff runs made James make an over-hyped “Decision” to play with another group of All Stars in Miami. But he was not the wound, he’s merely more salt poured in the wound. He might get booed when he goes to play there, but Art Modell (Browns/Ravens owner) basically had to choose not to return to Ohio (not the worst thing ever).

You know, this New York

1. New York, NY.  Specifically a fan who supports the Jets, Knicks, Islanders, Mets.

I must be abundantly clear about this choice: I AM NOT GIVING NEW YORKERS A LICENSE TO COMPLAIN. I just happen to know a lot of people who support these 4 teams, and recent events have made me pity their sports choices. If you are a New Yorker who happens to like 3 of these teams but like the Rangers, Yankees, Giants..you are not a championship starved fan and are just a dick.

A New York Jets, New York Mets, New York Islanders, and New York Knicks fan. New York is that town that every league has been trying to cram two(three) franchises in since the dawn of American Sports. The owners’ thirst for consistent revenue has torn many New Yorkers in different directions when considering who to support. While you can’t say EVERY New Yorker thinks like this, you can’t deny that some of these sad sacks do exist.

The New York Jets have been forced to endure 4 crosstown Super Bowls since their lowly triumph in Super Bowl III when many Americans were still not into the NFL. Fortune gifted them Rex Ryan whose lust for feet and overselling his team have made two bad near misses at the Super Bowl hurt even more when the Giants celebrated. This year, the Super Bowl could have been named the Rex Ryan bowl. A scenario where the Jets fan was forced to either watch the Giants gain their second Super Bowl under once hated Coach Coughlin and Quarterback Eli Manning OR watch Brady and Belichick walk away with their Fourth Super Bowl in recent memory.

The New York Mets. Meet the Mets, Meet the Mets, Come on out and please please buy the Mets. This team has had its share of bad losses and hard luck but many fans seemed to take the high road because the Yankees were the evil empire and they were the likeable brother by default. They had their uplifting World Series titles that they could cling on to. But recent failures have made it hard to remember 25 years ago; the team has slammed into rock bottom because of their involvement in Bernie Madoff’s elaborate ponzi scheme defrauding investors out of countless amounts of money. Trustees are seeking over 386 Million Dollars from the club alone and that’s not the only problem with this. Many of the lucrative contracts the Mets were handing out over the years involved future bonuses, which they decided to sink into (wait for it) Bernie Madoff accounts.  No one can be an optimist in this situation. The team is in a financial hole that has WAY too many zeros in it. You can already see the fallout from this: the team was forced to watch beloved homegrown shortstop Jose Reyes walk to Division Rival Miami (Florida) without so much as an offer, and they will most likely be forced to watch another organizational favorite in David Wright walk away unless someone can find a way to walk them out of their multi-million dollar debt.

The New York Islanders. No one can remember, with much detail, the 4 Stanley Cups. The Islanders have made bad business moves, bad financial moves, bad free agent moves, bad management moves, bad drafting moves, bad political moves….just bad. The team was recently denied a new arena by voters and has even had press when season ticket holders were trying to find ways of destroying their tickets. I will only give you a couple examples of their poor moves because frankly I do not have the patience. Alexi Yashin was, once, a huge point scoring machine for the Ottawa Senators. The Islanders made a blockbuster deal to trade for Yashin by dealing the Number 2 overall Selection in the 2001 draft, forward Bill Muckalt, and a lankly 6’9” player by the name of Zdeno Chara. The draft pick was used for Jason Spezza who has been a very productive NHL player and Chara would go on to captain the Stanley Cup winning Boston Bruins. Yashin was immediately signed to a 10 year contract, which, even after being bought out in 2007, was counted against the Islanders salary cap until 2011. Next, Rick DiPietro, the number one overall selection in the 2000 draft was supposed to be the next big thing in goaltending (I’ll gloss over Roberto Luongo being drafted a few years before by the Islanders). They took him over two highly touted forwards in Marian Gaborik and Dany Heatley, (both turned into are very productive NHLers) while Rick DiPietro has been a perennial unhealthy scratch since he signed a 15-year 67.5 million dollar deal. They are going to be paying this man until 2021. I don’t know many players I would want to commit to for 15 years but a goaltender with a history of (sometimes comical) injury problems is NOT one of them. Seriously, were other teams beating down the door trying to sign this guy? He’s had how many surgeries? Done! Sorry, I’m going to stop, I’m actually starting to feel bad.

The Knicks have not won a title in a very long time and even with the Jeremy Lin era starting, there is very little to hold onto. They had good players during the Jordan era which means they didnt win anything and they also have had their own Islanders-esque contracts in Allan Houston and have seem incapable of truly breaking up with Isaiah Thomas.

So there you have it! These are the top 5 tragic sports fans. Feel free to disagree, I just felt the financial woes of the New York teams pushed them just ahead of Cleveland, but feel free to comment.  One can only hope that one of these cities gets lucky enough to see another championship. Here is a short list of teams that are quite close to making this list in the near future:

Minnesota: The Twins success just keeps fading into history and the Wild have not done much of note.  Oh yeah that Brett Favre thing didn’t really work either.
Kansas City: Chiefs haven’t been great and the Royals have not been competitive for a while.
Oakland: Billy Bean era may have run it’s course and the Raiders are…the Raiders.

The redemption list:

When I was making this list, I thought about what it would have looked like 10-15 years ago and it is rather surprising to see the cities that have fallen off it. This makes me think that the 5 cities on the list are truly cursed.

Philadelphia: Thanks to the Phillies, no more 1980 talk. I know they would love a Super Bowl but you can’t really complain that much after a World Series (or you can).

New Orleans: What a change. No longer the Aint’s, few of us can even remember that era anymore.

Tampa Bay: Just like the Saints, we can put away the Yucks nickname thanks to the Buccaneers.

Boston: Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins. Wow we learned to hate this town really really quickly.

Softball on the National Mall

12 Jun

Greetings to all.  Yes, we have returned from a brief hiatus to inform you of the people that we think are dicks in this world.  In the coming weeks we will continue to point out the most abhorrent people out there (famous and lesser known);  while at the same time, pushing to further explore the depths of meaning in the word “dick”.  We will not be doing the traditional “Dick of the Week” or “Dick Hall of Fame”.  Those titles can be rather restricting, so we are just going to inform you of a dick and give you as much information as we can at that time.  Now, let me draw your attention to a new phenomena which has drawn our ire lately.

Can you spot the American pastime?

For those who are unaware, the national mall is listed as having 15 softball fields on its premises.  15?  Really?  Where do they happen to partake in this activity?  On the grass in the middle of the mall.  Oh, that seems a little odd but let’s go further to explore this topic.  For the record, we are not against beer league softball.  If anyone needs THAT much of an excuse to sit around and drink with a bunch of people, more power to you.  Softball is the sport for you.  But the problem lies more with the type of people and location.  From experience, this environment is ripe for exerting dickish qualities.  The first example is the mutual circle jerk of past accomplishments.  Many of these participants are quick to point out that they were the MAN when they were in high school.  They were great athletes at every sport, and that makes them the best slow-pitch softball player around.  Phrases such as: Dude I was such a good baseball player back in the day or I was really good at baseball but decided to focus on other things.   Yeah, no. We totally believe you.  This completely explains why you are on a co-ed softball team and not playing on a major league baseball team right now.  And I am sure that you were the man on your Division 3C state championship team back in Delaware.  Next there is that element of taking the game just too damn seriously.

Even Kramer says that's a dick move

These are the guys you played flag football with back in college who took the time to draw up a play book and would actually call out plays instead of pointing at someone and saying “Run over there.”  Seriously, you have to accept that your athletic dream just didn’t happen, and the slow-pitch softball league is just not the place to let out your pent-up frustration.

But no, some players take the time to cut the sleeves off their 10 dollar team shirt with a terrible pun on it (Seriously why?).  You can also tell exactly who plays in these leagues because they are the ones who walk on the metro with their old bat bags from high school.  We get it, you play in a softball league, we don’t care.  And there is absolutely no chance of us engaging you to talk about it.  Though these are the guys you have to watch out for on the field because once they get those guts moving, Newton’s laws of motion allow them to put a bit of power into those fluttering pitches.  And those metal bats—wait, metal bats?  You guys use metal bats on the mall?  What is this, Tee Ball?  The mall is a tenth of a mile wide.  You need a metal bat to help you get that little bit of extra power to hit a larger ball thrown to you underhand?  Clearly that girl you’ve been hitting on is going to have to rethink your gallant sports stories from high school.  This is one of the few times that I will say safety is a slight issue.  The National Mall is a very high traffic area, and if you foul off a pitch (doesn’t seem that unlikely) you take the head off of anyone because honestly, it’s not a setting that one should be expecting to be struck by a ball.  By no means am I advocating for the safety tourists, in fact, I find the masses of color coordinated shirts to be rather terrifying.  And it should be legal to put your shoulder into the couple standing on both sides of the escalator when you’re trying to catch your train.  But I digress…

Playing these leagues on the mall really tears up the grass and ruins it for the rest other people because of cleats and those bases shoved into the ground.   Are we that worried that the integrity of this game will be tarnished if you home plate moves around? Because it’s not like the fees for the mall are covering the costs to regrow the grass.

The receding hairline of our nation

And at the end of the day, this is just an excuse to go out and drink away the dregs of the day, and it doubles as a shallow attempt to meet women.  Which I would not have a problem with if it wasn’t in such a public area.  A bunch of sweaty overweight congressional workers is not what our country wants to see.  Just go to the bars, please.  It’s just cutting out the middle man at this point, and we can stop the fake competitiveness.  This is just a poor attempt at socialization and half the time the teams are barely able to field full lineups.  Overall, things will be a lot better if they either stop playing these leagues on the mall or find somewhere else to play them.  And, if you’re going to drive around the mall screaming to your team that you JUST need to find parking, chances are we have labeled you a dick.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry # 19: Ludwig Roselius

16 Mar

This is a very important entry for me.  It involves an issue very near and dear to my heart because my discovery of this substance at the age of six made me the man I am today (and helped me get through school).  This issue does not involve the fact that Mr. Roselius had a slightly positive opinion of National Socialism during the Third Reich (he may or may not have had a falling out with Hitler before his death).  We are not here to discuss any sympathies for unforgivable crimes that Mr. Roselius may or may not have had.  We are not here to debate the consequences of living in Germany and whether or not you could move against the hive mind that was created in the state.  And we are not going to debate whether or not his name makes him sound like a 12th century composer.  We are going to chastise this deceased individual for the creation that defines his legacy. DECAF COFFEE.

No one smiled in the 1920’s

Ludwig Roselius is the German inventor who created a process to remove the caffeine by superheating the green coffee beans with steam and then flooding them with the solvent benzol, a process he patented in 1906.  He did it because apparently he believed his father died from caffeine.  You son of a bitch.  To clarify with more source material: Ludwig is credited with the development of commercial decaffeination of coffee.  This may in fact be one of the most useless inventions since the creation of non-alcoholic beer or those jackets people put on pets.

If it can't survive with the fur it has, God didn't want it to live

Seriously people, coffee serves a purpose: keeps you awake.  Like beer it was supposed to be a singular function.  If you can’t stand the taste, you can’t drink it.  But, since people can’t let things just be, they created Smirnoff Ices and Starbucks.  And let me be clear, coffee tastes terrible.  It’s bitter, chalky and is barely palatable when you mix in cream or sugar.  So, why would this German inventor decide to take out the singular benefit of this brown elixir?  Shaddenfreude?  Why would anyone want such a product?  The only people whom this product could possibly cater to are old people, pregnant women, and people who have medical conditions that don’t allow them to drink coffee.  Ok.  That’s a rather small demographic.  I can’t imagine people missing the bitter morning ritual of pouring this steaming liquid down your gullet.  This is why smokers smoke.  When they quit they start drinking coffee until they give that up to start smoking again.  It’s cyclical  It’s called having variety in your life.

While I think I have made my point in this short space, I feel I should drive it home by pointing out the many health benefits of coffee.  Coffee has been known to reduce certain cancers, heart rhythm problems, strokes, diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, and dementia.  And while there may be no solid proof that its the caffeine that causes these things, we ask why you wouldn’t take the safe route?  It’s like letting your cousin fix your brakes instead of a mechanic.  You pay more for the security of knowing the job was done right.  And given the alternatives, I think I speak for everyone here at Dick of the Week when I say, “I’ll hang out with the constipated people with brown teeth who yell at each other about their headaches at 4am.”  There, I think I go the bulk of the negatives out.

All of this ranting about decaf coffee who be unnecessary if this man hadn’t bothered to invent it.  And, I know, if it wasn’t him it would have been someone else.  Well I don’t give two shits about that.  He’s still the guy who invented it and if it wasn’t him, I would be writing about some other dick.  The point is, this is a substance that really has helped a lot of people get through tough patches of their lives when sleeping was not a luxury.  You gotta do what you gotta do, and it’s crazy to try to trivialize the importance of something that is so important.  If we didn’t have coffee, night watchmen might not stay awake, crab fisherman couldn’t get through the rough times, and we probably wouldn’t have as many lawyers (which actually might not be the worst thing in the world, but I digress).  Also, we have made the point before that people need to be responsible for how they use certain products, but pulling the old switcharoo won’t work in this situation.  But at least this can’t get any worse.

Wow, just when you thought it couldn't get worse.

Ok, I can kind of accept someone saying they love the smell of coffee and are stuck on the ritual of making it every morning, but if you’re going to try to drink instant decaf…just buy a diet Coke.  Seriously.  Instant coffee is even worse in taste and is really just there when you need something quick to drink.  I’m still not sure why Starbucks thinks you’ll pay 1$ a pouch for their decaf instant coffee.  Actually, I’m kind of glad that this guy lost rights to his brand of instant coffee after WWI.  So, there you have it, this German inventor who may have had Nazi sympathies is your new Hall of Famer for inventing the useless product: Decaf Coffee.

Dick of the Week, Feb. 28 – March 6: Natalie Williamson

10 Mar

After a week and a half of hardcore Charlie Sheen coverage, it is a little refreshing to be able to take a step back and appreciate some of the simpler things.  I always enjoy writing Dick of the Week articles, even more than I enjoy writing Hall of Fame articles.  While the Hall of Fame articles can usually be longer because of the greater depth of material from which to draw, the Dick of the Week allows us to channel the intense reaction that we have to a given dick’s actions quickly, before that passion has the chance to dissipate.  While Dick Hall of Fame articles are more meticulously crafted, I think Dick of the Week ones are where our creativity is really allowed to shine.

With that said, I would like to introduce your most recent Dick of the Week, Natalie Williamson.  This is a prime example of how this blog can take us in directions that we never planned.  Natalie Williamson’s situation is as follows: she boarded a VirginBlue plane with her husband and 17-month-old son.  Her husband and her son may or may not have been playing a “peek-a-boo” type game.  A flight attendant took it upon himself to join in on the game, and placed the child in one of the overhead compartments.  Natalie, shocked, instructed the flight attendant to remove her son from the compartment and return him to her, which he did.  The incident was reported, the flight attendant was fired, and Natalie was given a number of free flights to make up for the unfortunate incident.

Terrifying!

As I said, sometimes this blog will end up going a completely different direction than we thought it would, and this is one of those times.  When I first read about the incident, I prepared myself to write a Dick of the Week entry on the flight attendant.  I mean, honestly.  He put a kid in an overhead bin.  Whether they were playing peek-a-boo or not, that’s just not the best decision–you don’t manhandle toddlers that don’t belong to you.  The flight attendant is clearly and idiot, and we’ll give him the distinction of calling him a dick, as well.

But when you read more about the incident, it quickly becomes apparent that it is Natalie, the mother, who is the real dick in this situation.  She should, frankly, have taken the free flights, thanked the airline for firing the flight attendant (who deserved to be fired), and been on her merry fucking way.

But no.

Natalie Williamson is a Goddamn martyr, and she wants the rest of you to know it.

Buckle your seatbelts, because you can almost smell the multi-million dollar lawsuit coming around the corner here.  Let’s look at a few of the comments that Natalie made to the Sunday Herald Sun about what happened:

“My husband, Shayne, was standing one metre behind my son, Riley, when the air steward picked him up and placed him in the overhead compartment.  I stood up and there were people laughing and then I said ‘Get my son out of there now.'”

First of all, if your name is Shane and you spell it with a ‘y,’ you are an asshole.  Simple as that.  But that’s not the point.  That account sounds reasonable, right?  A pretty matter-of-fact account of what happened.  I would probably fire the flight attendant based on that description alone.  Has she left it at that, the flight attendant would have been our Dick of the Week.  I’m pretty sure that’s where she should have stopped talking.

“I was devastated. I was absolutely devastated.”

“I was crying. My husband was in shock. For days on end I was crying.”

Really.

REALLY.

Look, the flight attendant fucked up.  There’s no arguing that.  Probably enough to even deserve that firing.  But you may have some issues lady.  You were crying for days because your son was put in an overhead compartment?  I mean Jesus, did we miss something?  Did the flight attendant refuse to remove the kid?  Was he in there for an hour or what?

The baby had been reportedly locked in the compartment for 10 seconds.

Oh.

Judgment Cat thinks you're an idiot.

Let me share something with you.  When I was a little kid, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into tight spaces.  Behind the couch, under the bed, in the back of the closet, in kitchen cabinets, it didn’t matter.  If it was a tight space, I wanted to hang out there.  If I could have been put in an overhead compartment as a little kid, that would have been, quite literally, the best day of my life.  I can’t imagine the kid suffered too much.  But Natalie has other ideas!  Another excerpt:

Ms Williamson said Riley, now 20 months, had seen various specialists since the incident after suffering from anxiety and withdrawal.

“He won’t leave my sight now. He sleeps with me. If I’m not in the same room as him, he will scream and yell ‘Mum, mum, mum’,” she said.

Lady, the kid is just pissed off that you didn’t let him stay up there.  And can we take a moment here to appreciate how breathtakingly stupid it is for her to say the kid has been to “several specialists?” Anxiety and withdrawal?  How the hell would you even know if a 17-month-old was suffering from those things?  If anything, you’ve fucked him up more, because now he thinks something is wrong with him.  Sometimes it’s best to just cut your losses.  Yeah, a shitty thing happened to you, and now it’s time to move on.  Your kid doesn’t sleep through the night?  Welcome to motherhood, bitch.  Don’t blame VirginBlue because you’re a shitty parent.

I strongly urge you to consider these next time.

Charlie Sheen Week Wrap-Up

9 Mar

Yes, Charlie Sheen Week has been over for a few days, and we admit that we fell a little behind.  But it is fucking EXHAUSTING keeping up with that man!  To wrap up the week, I thought I’d put together a little timeline of some of the highlights of Charlie’s recent meltdown.

February 24: Charlie’s initial interview on the Alex Jones show.  This is the interview that started the downward spiral.  At first, I was going to urge you all once again to listen to it in its entirety.  But having again done so myself, this interview, which was the craziest thing I had ever heard at the time, is now completely dwarfed by the immensity of craziness and dickishness that Charlie has since thrown at us.

February 28: Charlie begins his media blitz, appearing on The Today Show.  It’s more of the same from his Alex Jones interview, where he once again expresses his profound hatred for his bosses and brags about his “bitchin'” life.  It is from this interview that the “Adonis DNA” and “Tiger Blood” quotes that have become such an integral part of our national consciousness originated.

February 28: Following his appearance on The Today Show, Charlie’s longtime publicist abruptly resigns.

February 28: Alex Jones appears on The View to defend Charlie Sheen, and proceeds to make a complete ass of himself.  I know Charlie doesn’t have the best judgment in the world, but I have to think that even Charlie probably wanted Alex Jones to calm the fuck down after watching this clip.  This “9/11 Truther” asshole can’t talk about anything other than himself and his fucking insane conspiracy theories.  I think if I sat too close to Alex Jones, I might become mentally handicapped.  In fact, I think just typing about Alex Jones has rendered me half retarded.  If you think Alex Jones is anything less than a complete lunatic, stop reading this blog right now.  Just stop.  I hate you.  I hate you with the fire of a million of Charlie Sheen’s flaming fists.  Kill yourself.

February 28: Ahem, moving on.  Charlie experiments with his first live stream, spending nearly an hour talking to TMZ “reporter” Mike Walters from the backyard of his home.  More hilarity ensues (which we were kind enough to live-blog).

February 28: Concluding a busy day of public appearances, Charlie stops by Piers Morgan Tonight. Actually, this was probably the most lucid of his interviews, so we’re hesitant to make too much fun of it.  Except, wait…“Then I start hearing stories about they’re going to hire John Stamos,” he said. “You guys do that, you deserve everything that happens later.” I do believe Charlie Sheen just dissed John Stamos.  You, sir, are back out of our good graces.

March 1: Charlie Sheen joins Twitter (@CharlieSheen, follow it right now).  Not surprisingly, he set a world record by topping a million followers in just over 24 hours (he has since added more than a million additional followers).

March 1: Charlie’s now-infamous 20/20 interview premiers.  Charlie issues more rambling diatribes and announces that he IS on a drug: “it’s called–CHARLIE SHEEN!”

March 1: Brook Mueller, Charlie’s ex-wife, successfully has Charlie’s custody of their children taken away.  Charlie goes into something of a minor tailspin, and quotes like “I don’t know where my kids are right now” begin to surface.

March 5: The debut of “Sheen’s Korner,” Charlie’s latest live stream adventure.  Charlie essentially rambled for more than 45 minutes, making little (and often no) sense.  Many media outlets tore into Sheen for the webcast, which the New York Post called “pointless” and “sad,” though the article also featured this image:

We'll call it a draw.

March 6: Time reveals that Charlie joined Twitter essentially to make money.  Charlie signs with the advertising firm Ad.ly, an agency that reported pays Kim Kardashian (for instance) upwards of $10,000 per tweet.  Are we holding it against him?  How could we? Look at that picture. There’s a fucking foot-high dollar sign on his shirt.  I don’t think he’s deceived us.

March 6: Sheen’s Korner, Episode 2 premiers.  Stripped of the trappings of the previous installment, this episode simply featured Charlie recording a lengthy phone call with a friend, during which he made, again, absolutely no sense at all.  Charlie announces that he feels no pain because “pain is a myth.”  Oh, did we mention that he appears to have aged roughly 700 years in the last two weeks?

March 7: Charlie is officially fired by Warner Bros.  Was anyone really surprised?  For a little while, we believed that Charlie would come back to the show, which would (without a doubt) get higher ratings than any show in the history of time for the week or two following his return.  Hell, we even entertained the notion that CBS might have planned the whole thing.  But after a while, it became clear that Charlie is…well…not well. We almost feel bad laughing at him at this point.  Almost.

March 7: Charlie wants an intern.  Yep, Charlie sheen announces that #TeamSheen wants to hire an intern with #TigerBlood who can #PlanBetter than anyone for the summer of 2011.  Fuck, man.  We’re both employed, but the thought of getting to have unlimited free sex with porn stars at Charlie Sheen’s private villa is enough to make us drop anything.

March 7: Sheen’s Korner, Episode 3 runs.  Neon Tommy characterized the display as “rang[ing] from bombastic to alarming to deeply depressing,” which seems pretty much par for the Charlie Sheen course.

March 8: A.J. Daulerio, one of our personal heroes here at Dick of the Week, publishes Charlie’s phone number.  Frankly, it’s a bit of a dick move on A.J.’s part.  In fact, we would feel bad about this, but one Jezebel reporter called him pretending to be interested in auditioning to be one of his “Goddesses,” and immediately received a callback and request for a photo.  So, Charlie clearly didn’t care all that much as long as it meant hot girls were calling him.  And really, it’s things like that that pull Charlie from the realm of “pitiable character” and back into the category of “colossal dick” where he belongs.

So you see, it’s difficult to keep up with this fellow, but at least our coverage ends with him squarely back in the Dick Hall of Fame where he belongs.  And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #17/Everyday Dicks: The Condescending Vegetarian

23 Feb

Well I feel like this hybrid post requires some explaining to all of you.  See the two of us had been talking about a few things; mostly that we just hated judgmental vegetarians, how much we LOVED meat, and how I have been quite lazy and owe our loyal viewers another post or two.  Am I being a little lazy combining two posts I normally do?  Oddly not.  For you see, we had discussed how to bring this topic to the front, but we weren’t sure how to classify it.  I think we all know an irritating vegetarian as much as we have heard of a celebrity or two who just loves to report about how terrible it is to eat meat.  So, I didn’t think I could keep this to a short post, and I didn’t want to lose the Everyday Dick aspect of this.  Spoiler: I am sitting here drinking whiskey next to a slab of bacon just like any Red Blooded American. So, I think we really need to set this topic up with some clarifications.

First, I have to clarify that I have no problem with people who are vegetarians.  Honestly, I don’t care what you eat, it doesn’t bother me.  It’s like my opinion of gay people: do I care if men have sex with men?  No, just don’t do it in front of me.  I don’t want to see some 75-year old politician having sex anymore than I want to see gays having sex.  I think this is one of the main topics of this blog; we don’t care what you do with your life, we just care if you insist on shoving it in our faces.  So, to the point, we don’t care that people are vegetarians (for the most part) What we do care about… people who like to make carnivores feel guilty.  You all know this person, you don’t see someone (College, Job, Etc.) for a while or someone moves away and they come back to inform you, “Oh, I decided to become a vegetarian, and stopped eating all meat.”  Fine, something going on in your life that you decided to inform me of, but they just can’t help themselves.

“I just stopped eating meat, I realized it was murder.”

“Can you believe that people still eat meat, no one I know does that anymore.”

“I don’t understand how anyone can eat meat.”

Ok, that’s enough.  It’s nice that you have made a change to your life that you see as positive, but thank you for laboring under the assumption that I have done the same.  Guess what, I haven’t.  And I have no plan to do so.  Because you found some new age religion, met a girlfriend who made you do this, or did this because you thought it was cool, I have decided to stop giving you the benefit of the doubt.  Now you get to know what I think.

I am going to shamelessly plug Epic Meal Time right here.  It is out of context, but I think they have some of the coolest videos I have ever seen.

Speaks for itself.

Moving on, meat is awesome.  I love bacon.  Bacon is one of the greatest gifts man has received.  And there are some interesting things that you will hear from these vegetarians (besides them calling you murders for you actions).  Because they don’t eat meat, they will freak out if they don’t get enough protein because they cannot get what they need from vegetables.  My favorite example of this was a friend who kept a jar of peanut butter next to his bed because he loved peanut butter.  Which was funny and gross until he became allergic to peanuts.  Meat is part of a basic diet, so you need to compensate for taking it out.  As humans, we climbed to the top of the food chain for a reason.

Nature

I don’t think there is anything wrong with eating meat, I just don’t want to have to think about my diet in terms of math.  I don’t want to think about the plant that is going to give me enough protein to survive a simple day of work.  Most people choose to eat meat because it tastes good and it’s easy.  And I will remind you vegetarians that the one thing that you CAN’T replicate with tofu is bacon.  Bacon may be the silver bullet to bring you to our side, I don’t see vegetables doing that to us carnivores.

But what do the celebrities think?  What do the people think?  Adam Richmond is the star of a food show called Man v. Food where he consumes copious amounts of fat laden food..especially piles of meat.  This show has become such a niche classic I’m tempted to call it the Crocodile Hunter of this decade (RIP Steve Irwin).

Ironic death: Starvation

Celebrities, as we have pointed out, have unique opportunities to garner public attention and raise awareness of issues.  Fair enough, we simply don’t have the microphone that these people do.  But its when they make videos that our vegetarian friends like to inform us of such as this.  This is a deeply graphic and disturbing video that most people would not like to see.  It is footage of meat plants and how animals are treated when they are slaughtered.  Again back to our original point, we derive no pleasure from the slaughter of these animals, it is simply our food source and we enjoy it for a number of reasons.  Do you think this is funny, does this amuse you showing people what happens to animals because you think it will change us?  I agree that these animals should be treated more humanely but there are 300 million people to feed in this country and these ranchers don’t always have the time and space to treat these animals as humanely as we would like.  And I’m not sure how animals would react to the choice of a painful death or pleasant death.  They would probably just say, “You’re going to do WHAT to me?!?!”  Ok, you want to play this game? Let’s play.

There are over 300 million people in this country and over 7 billion people in the world, how do you expect to feed them all? With 1.6 billion people living in poverty and over 16,000 kids starving to death every year, I don’t think these people have the time to be picky eaters.   At the end of the day it costs a lot more to be a vegetarian.  Salads are more expensive than those dollar cheeseburgers McDonald’s likes to sell.  And, as we have said, most people don’t have the time and energy to go and buy vegetables to engineer their diets (or they just can’t afford it).  So maybe you should think about it next time you try to tell someone they are a terrible person for eating meat. Oh god, seriously don’t click on that link, I’m not sure what it is but I wasn’t going to stick around long enough to find out.

Am I defending carnivores? Yes, as long as it takes for these overzealous vegetarians to chill out.  I just think that most people want to live their lives, and there are more factors in their life than whether or not they eat vegetables.  Now to show that there are no hurt feelings…for the vegetarians.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #16: Mikhail Prokhorov

22 Feb

In an attempt to include all of the sports, I would like to present you with a massive dick from the land of professional basketball.  Now, are most basketball players ego driven and selfish ergo “dicks” to begin with?  Yeah, kinda.  Will I be overly disappointed if the NBA locks out because the players want more money when the owners are, in fact, losing large amounts of money?  Probably won’t lose sleep over it  But this entry brings a lot more to the table.  Specifically money.  He is not a man like the rest of the mortals.  He is the one thing more powerful than Superman AND Wolverine…combined.  He is…a Russian Billionaire.

Because owners of New Jersey Franchises get to meet with the Mayor of New York all the time.

Yes, the New Jersey Nets were purchased by a Russian billionaire who seems hell-bent on making them a force in the NBA.  Fair enough.  This is the natural progression of global commerce and a free market.  The interesting side of this story began not THAT the Nets were sold, but the awesome stories surrounding the new owner.  To be fair, I’m not sure how you begin to build a global brand from New Jersey to Brooklyn to Moscow.  Mikhail Prokhorov has assumed great personal wealth to the tune of $9.5 Billion or $13.4 billion (I’m not going to quibble over billions) at 6’8”, he is an avid athlete who loves competition as much as the next man.

This one really hasn’t sunk in yet, but fear not!  This is not the story, this is merely background information to set up the grandiose person who lurks beneath this drab/seemingly stereotypically stoic appearance.  While this man has billions of dollars he has also lost 10 billion dollars and doesn’t care if you read his magazine (which may not have the most “legitimate” finances).  How much money can you have that you don’t care about losing money on one of your assets?  What kind of life do you lead?

Sure, every rich person tries to do this

Well he has also been known all over for his daredevil stunts including jet skiing, not to mention the fact that he has played basketball and is an avid workout nut. He is also considered to be controversial by a Nets web site. Models, financial questions, and a notably extremist mentality when dealing with people and business. I think we have something to work with.  Oh and there was a little issue where he was throwing parties where he was buying prostitutes for people.  He has done the amazing magic act of making the Nets appear legitimate. Though he did have to eat about 100 million dollars in debt from the team (which kinda shows how fragile the NBA is, but I digress).  Let’s go with one of the biggest dick moves anyone has EVER pulled.

A middle finger would have been cheaper and more direct

This is a copy of a GIANT billboard that Prokhorov and his business partner Jay-Z put up in the Knicks backyard.  When I say backyard, I mean they put it in New York City.  When I say they put it in New York City, I mean they possibly put it in Manhattan.  When I say they put it in Manhattan, I mean the put the thing RIGHT THE FUCK ACROSS THE STREET FROM MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.  A 225’x95′ mural right across the street from your local rival.  I gotta say I respect the audacity but wow are you a dick.  The Nets, who have a minimal history mired by losing, had the balls to buy a mural mocking the Knicks.  That would be like the Pittsburgh Pirates coming to town to mock the Yankees.  Normal people just don’t try things like this.  Humility is not a word you will find in this article.  And he has changed the game in pursuing free agents (because why the hell not).

Remember the incessant Lebron decision?  Yeah that was a dick move too.  But he also got the Nets in the running for Lebron based on making him a global icon and a billionaire.  Lebron, who famously said he wanted to win now, was tempted to go to a team that got the 3rd overall pick and was in danger of setting a record for the most losses to begin a season.  Why would he want to go there?  Because when a guy says I’m going to make you a billion dollars, you listen.  If you’re a free agent, you can be sure that you’ll get the opportunity to sit and have a vodka with this guy.

And, with a current example, Carmelo Anthony was also being courted by the Nets.  Again, we ask why he would want to go there  But, I see something deeper in this based on what the Nets were offering for Carmelo.  As we know, Carmelo wanted and got to go to the Knicks.  But look to what the Nets offered.  4 first round picks and 2 players that WERE first round picks.  Think about this for two seconds, a team in line for a lottery pick trading 4 of its next picks and 2 of it’s decent players just for one player (basically).  That doesn’t look like a situation for winning basketball, but what it does look like is a guy upping the ante just to screw over his rival team.  Did the Knicks give up too much? Maybe, but they sure as hell were not going to get a steal on this one.

While it’s not for us to say anything about how this man may make his finances or the legitimacy of his businesses, we do know he is an all-time dick when it comes to how he runs his team.  And we love it. I see no signs of the relentless taunting coming to an end with the Nets moving to Brooklyn.  Hey, I guess you’re allowed to talk back when your rival has made such brilliant business moves.  What is it about New York sports franchises and creative business moves (see Carl Pavano, Alexei Yashin, Rick DiPietro, I should stop).  See, we went an entire post without saying anything stereotypical about rich, successful Russians.

I couldn't help myself.

Hey, at least I didn’t call them the Nyets.

Dick of the Week, Feb. 14-20: Nir Rosen

22 Feb

A lot of weeks, I enjoy writing Honorable Mentions.  In fact, there was even one week where it was so difficult to decide who should hold the Dick of the Week title that I went ahead and let the two leading candidates share it.  Sometimes it’s very hard to decide who the biggest dick is.

This was not one of those weeks.

In fact, Nir Rosen is the Dick of the Week by such a wide margin that I’m not even going to entertain secondary dicks right now.  Head and shoulders above the competition, Rosen stood up this week and announced to the world, “You may not have heard of me, but I am the biggest asshole alive!”

This picture is his Twitter background. I shit you not. I shit. You not.

We at Dick of the Week were both saddened and angered to hear about the tragic attack on CBS reporter Lara Logan this week.  For those who haven’t heard, Lara Logan was brutally attacked and sexually assaulted while covering the Egyptian protests last week.  The news reached the states and was met with an inspiring upwelling of support for Logan and condemnation of her assailants.  Thank God she was rescued by a group of Egyptian women and soldiers, or the story might have ended even more tragically.  But as we all recoiled in horror at what had happened, Rosen stood up for rape apologists everywhere and shouted the equivalent of “yeah, but she was asking for it.”

Rosen isn’t well know, but he does have a reputation as a staunchly anti-war leftist commentator and serves as a fellow at the NYU Center for Law and Security.  When Rosen heard about the Lara Logan assault, his first reaction was to go on Twitter and let everyone know what an attention seeking bitch he felt Logan was.

I’d love to talk about what Rosen said, but I think it might be more effective to…well, to just go ahead and tell you exactly what Rosen said.

“Lara Logan had to outdo Anderson. Where was her buddy McCrystal.”

“Yes yes its wrong what happened to her. Of course. I don’t support that. But, it would have been funny if it happened to Anderson too.”

“Jesus Christ, at a moment when she is going to become a martyr and glorified we should at least remember her role as a major war monger”

“Look, she was probably groped like thousands of other women, which is still wrong, but if it was worse than [sic] I’m sorry.”

Wow.

Actually, I’m at a loss for what to say beyond that.

I guess…I guess let’s just start at the top.  Not one, but TWO tweets implying that Lara Logan wanted to be sexually assaulted so that she could beat Anderson Cooper in (drumroll please) the ratings battle.  Which, if you think about it makes sense.  I mean all a woman has to do is have her body completely violated and she gets a slight bump in ratings?  Sounds like a fair deal to me!  Who WOULDN’T make that trade?

And really, what’s worse about the Anderson Cooper comments?  The fact that Rosen is comparing the minor assault that Cooper suffered while covering the protests to Logan’s sexual assault or the fact that Rosen is implying that if Anderson Cooper were sexually assaulted in a similar manner, it would be “funny”?  We joke about a lot of things here, but rape isn’t one of them…and I have no desire to see Anderson Cooper raped (for a variety of reasons).

Why is it always the pretty ones.

I really wish that was the end of Rosen’s crimes.  Amazingly though, Rosen was only getting warmed up.  It’s his apologies that really set the standard.  Rosen made several attempts at an “apology” that range from whining and petulant to flippant and dismissive.  It becomes very clear very quickly that Rosen feels absolutely no remorse whatsoever for his inappropriate, insulting tweets.  Why don’t we take a few moments to look at Rosen’s various explanations/apologies:

“Ah fuck it, I apologize for being insensitive, its always wrong, that’s obvious, but I’m rolling my eyes at all the attention she will get.” [posted on Twitter. Rosen’s first attempt at an apology. Really tugs on the old heartstrings, doesn’t it?]

“No matter what I say, I look like a jerk.” [said on the Anderson Cooper show. A whiny attempt to paint himself as the victim.  Also…maybe just a little awkward since Rosen wished rape on Cooper.]

“When you’re in war zones you develop a black humor and make jokes about your death, other people’s deaths, other terrible things, writers and photographers do it, as of course do Bosnians, Iraqis, Somalis and others as a coping mechanism. But taken out of context this can be deeply hurtful, especially when made by a man.” [said in an interview with Media Bistro.  Hate to say it, Mr. Rosen, but you weren’t tweeting from a war zone.  And while black humor might be appropriate between two close friends, Twitter is…not between two close friends.]

“How 480 characters unraveled my career.” [title of an essay written by Rosen to, in the words of New York Magazine, “paint a picture of himself as a progressive martyr.”]

“I have been frustrated by the ideological opportunists who have used this ordeal for their personal gain.” [from the aforementioned essay. Yeah, you’re quite the victim, Nir.]

“I felt she was a terrible journalist who supported wars that I had covered….I point it out now only to explain my thinking.” [from the same essay.  And oooooooh, yep. That’s a step in the wrong direction.]

“Had I been a right-wing writer I doubt this would have happened to me.” [maybe the most ridiculous statement of all.  Not only is it petulant, does he really think that Republicans don’t suffer backlash for inappropriate comments?]

There’s a whole lot to work with there, but I can’t improve on perfection.  No, Terry Glavin of the National Post says it best:

“The evidence he submits in his own defence: Exhibit A. At least you can’t accuse me of saying bad things about Julian Assange. Exhibit B. I’m probably not as stupid as Anne Coulter. Exhibit C: I was only joking, “and an entire mob turns on me.”

Objection: Actually, the mob turned on Lara Logan. You weren’t even there.”

Sharp rebukes don’t get much better than that.  It’s amazing that Rosen managed to get even MORE offensive while trying to apologize for his INITIAL offensive comments.

But why?  Why is Rosen like this?  I’d have to say that the evidence points to him being little more than a colossal attention whore.  Aside from the myriad interviews he has given since his comments went public, from the essay he wrote to give as many excuses as possible, to the insincere public statements he released, Rosen AMAZINGLY turned back to TWITTER to gain more attention.  On the 16th, shortly after the controversy began, Rosen SWORE OFF TWITTER!

“but there is no point following me, i am done tweeting. too ashamed of how i have hurt others and the false impression i gave of who i am”

Immediately after that, he made a follow-up statement.  This was an apology to Lara Logan, and, to his credit, this one at least sounded sincere:

“I feel I should make one last statement. I offer my deepest apologies to Ms. Logan, her friends and her family. I never meant to hurt anyone”

He then…continued to tweet for the next few days.  And Rosen wonders why nobody seems to believe that he actually feels bad for this.  When a guy can’t even be sincere about something as simple as whether or not he’s going to continue tweeting…I’d have to say it’s probably not much of a surprise that no one thinks his apologies are sincere either.

The real happy ending here is the fact that the Rosen, at the very least, had the good sense to tender his resignation from NYU.  News articles announced the NYU “accepted” Rosen’s resignation, but, really, come on.  What were they going to do, fight to keep the man who made jokes about the rape of a female reporter?  What a great headline that would be.

No, Rosen “ruined his own career.”  When Rosen said those words, it was in an attempt to paint himself as a victim.  When I say those words, it is as a solemn thank you that there is some justice in the world, after all.

Well done, avenging angel of Twitter.

Dick of the Week, Feb 7-Feb 13: (Former) Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak

15 Feb

While I feel this weeks winner doesn’t need much explaining, I feel we would be forfeiting our duties if we didn’t talk about this man a LITTLE bit.  While, this may make us all sound like redundant talking heads who missed the boat in trying to comment on this all-encompassing story; I feel like I can give you some reasons that weren’t in the headlines that can further explain why this man is a complete dick.  Now, I may not be stretching the truth to make the claim that a man who has stayed in power for 30 years through numerous failed elections and countless corruption claims.  It is blatantly clear when your country rates a 3.1 on a scale to 10 for trust and transparency in government.  Perhaps claims of voter fraud and tampering are not that far off when you live in a country with that kind of rating.

But the guy finally started to do the right thing by saying that he would no longer stand for election in September which would in effect end his 30 year rule.  Apparently that didn’t sit well with the people of Egypt.  They denounced this as a trick and took to the streets to see that the leader would be ousted immediately.  If you needed further confirmation about how much of a dick this guy was, just look to the fact that people were no longer willing to wait until September to kick this guy out of office.  To give you some context, this would be like having your friend crashing on your couch telling you he’s going to move out at the end of the month, and your first reaction is to carry his free-loading ass out of the apartment.  Clearly there was some pent up emotion.

This clash of supporters and protestors inevitably turned bloody given the passion and change that people wanted to see from their government.  While we as Americans stood in awe of these people’s sacrifice for their government, it is also important note that we don’t have to suffer through the same ruler for 30 years (we just get stuck with representatives that just won’t go away).

He just. Won't. Stop.

So, many watched with anticipation as to what was about to occur.  Would this man decide to relinquish power that he had held for 30 years?  Would he use his military on his own people?  Would he graciously bow out?  No, that would be too easy.  Defiance is a much nicer song to sing.  Listen, we get it.  You’ve been in power for a long time and its not something you want to give up. But seriously, most of your ALLIES were saying that you should step down.  Are you just a stubborn child who won’t accept when your time is up?  Seriously, these people were willing to die to stand in defiance of you, what makes you think this will make things any better for you in the long run?  Oh.  There you go.  Finally, you resign to give your people the opportunity to pursue elections for themselves.  They are moving so quickly that they were clearly starved for this opportunity.   And while I understand that a new government may not be the most friendly toward the USA; if they act like dicks, we will have no problem calling them on it.  But it was more important to get the biggest dick out of the way before passing judgment on dicks to be named later.  Thirty years in power and you got taken down by Mark Zuckerberg. We might want to cool it with these correlations.

Random out of order dick things that confuse me:

(Former) Congressman Christopher Lee (R-NY): Hey we have a theme going!  Well this one is almost too easy and less fun given the fact that this guy was a relatively low level representative.  Was it his insisting that he didn’t have a wife?  Was it that emails of him bragging about his fitness?  How about the fact that this even came out in the first place.  Seriously, this is DC life, they pretty much have things to ENCOURAGE THIS.  How about TigerText that deletes text messages after they are READ.  Listen I don’t condone this or anything but it clearly wasn’t that difficult for this woman to figure this out.  I’m honestly surprised the contact address wasn’t christopher.lee@mail.house.gov.  For every Chris Lee there is an Eliot Spitzer.  To be fair this would have been much less embarrassing in England.

NBA All-Star Uniforms:

Please tell me those things go UNDER the uniforms

Now I realize that All-Star games are hollow exhibition games that fail to draw most fan attention.  Even baseball’s attempt to put home field advantage on the line for the World Series hasn’t been the greatest.  The NHL had marginal success drafting the All-Star teams, and these two leagues do compete for success amongst viewers.  As much as fans will gripe, baseball and football will always be the largest sports and these niche sports will be competing for 3/4 in the rank.  But these uniforms are a poor attempt to spice up a dull exhibition game.  From what I can tell, these uniforms are there to whore out NBA players by replacing the normally baggy uniforms with the exact opposite.  The biggest travesty is that they will discriminate against some of their fans that may not be able to purchase these uniforms.

I'm sorry, we don't have a sausage skin in your size

Dick of the Week, Jan. 24-Jan. 31: Robert Burton

7 Feb

Well we are all late this week so we have to start with something that makes sense.  Money.  Money makes the world go round.  In America, in Europe, and in all of our colleges.  And, money apparently does have a very big impact on college athletics (Supposedly).  Oh wait, I didn’t go to a big name school, sorry.  But apparently most big name schools will have big name donors fund their athletic departments for things such as scholarships, facilities, trips, and to sign players.  The argument for all this expense is that it brings positive attention to the college and much of the benefit will trickle down to the entire student body.  Fair point, I suppose.  We aren’t going to get into the cloak and dagger of the BCS or the whistle blowing of Death to the BCS, which happened to report that Florida made $47,000 total winning a national championship (That’s like 2 AND A HALF scholarships).  The NCAA yanks schools around but what most of us don’t see is what the donors do to the schools.

Robert Burton is an exceedingly wealthy man who clearly is very passionate about football.  He has, until now, graciously donated millions of dollars to The University of Connecticut (UConn)’s budding football program, which recently enjoyed its best season ever.  However, as does happen in life, the football coach saw a greater opportunity and decided to depart for another university; leaving UConn with the task of replacing him.  Fair enough.  And one can reasonably expect that many people were consulted in the decision to hire a new coach.  Robert Burton felt his voice fell, shall we say, on deaf ears.  He felt so disrepected that he has taken the liberty of severing all financial ties with the university and demanding the return of over 3 Million dollars.

YOINK!

He has even gone as far as to salt the earth by giving up his pricey box seats, ceasing all of his company’s training at the university and stopping all of his ad buys for UConn.  At first glance, yes this man is a massive dick.  Anyone who would take the time to curse a university that they once loved has to reconsider their priorities.  And secondly, we can guess the new coach and athletic directors’ days are numbered. But the thing that shocks me the most is how this information is being received by the masses.

“I think that Bob Burton is passionate,” said state Rep. Livvy Floren, R-149th District, a friend of the Burtons. “He’s passionate about his family. He’s passionate about his business and he’s very passionate about football.”  Umm ok, lets focus more on the fact that this man is taking away money from an educational institution, right?  I mean can we talk about how this will hurt UConn academically, let alone the football team?  This was such a damn emergency that the GOVERNOR had to get involved.  Wow, no public outrage?  Does this not seem petty to anyone else?  I guess the state of Connecticut is more worried about the death of its football funding than it is about the university as a whole.  They decided it was better to try and pander to him.

Guess who's going to foot the bill?

This is a classic case of the inmates running the asylum.  Universities have to cater to donors, but it has gotten to the point where the donors can get away with dictating to them.  Well they just didn’t talk to him enough, he’s just really passionate about football.  Yeah yeah, we get that.  But if he doesn’t have a say in your program’s final decision, you’ll lose his money?  And this is just Connecticut, I can’t imagine what the pull of these donors can be in Texas and Ohio.  At the end of the day, this just shows how much of a farce the “scholar athlete” is.  It’s all about catering to these people to play well for your school so you can get more money.  It’s not as much about making sure these athletes are properly prepared for the real world.  I mean 78% of them go bankrupt a short time after retiring from the pros, so clearly they learned how to manage their lives at these institutions.  But what can we expect when we put cameras on these kids when they just SIGN A LETTER OF INTENT. They aren’t there to learn, they are there to play.

The point is, this man is a dick for yanking the university around for not getting what he wants.  He may or may not have been consulted but clearly he wasn’t going to be happy unless they hired THE guy he wanted.  But also, the university is right behind because they are allowing this to occur.  Is it a broken system?  Maybe.  But it would be nice to see someone stand up.  It’s not like we are going to see a stem in the tide of impropriety that happens with a lot of these athletes because they feel entitled.  The students will end up being the ones to suffer the most because I don’t see college tuition going down any time soon.

Commendable Dick-tion: Matt Hasselbeck:Ha! a pun.  Yes, I will usually mock those who use puns, but for now this will be the exception that proves the rule.  “Somebody ask Cromartie if he knows what CBA stands for.” I give Matt props for calling a spade a spade.  While Cromartie might have made some good points about how the strike could impact players who have surgery because they can’t rehab if the strike happens, it’s just hilarious that Matt would make that joke.  I mean realistically, if his comments were off base, he would not have gotten so angry when it happened, right?

Tim Hardaway: Ok.  Athletes are bad with money. I get it.  But then we hear this.  Well good for you.  You got a bail out.  46.6 Millions dollars during your playing career, and you need a bail out for the house you can’t afford.  Nice.  I’m sure most American’s would agree you deserve it after you wisely spent your money.