Dick of the Week, Pussy Edition: Roger Goodell

31 Dec

Dick of the Week is an award that we like to give out to someone who has demonstrated a particularly great aptitude for dickery in a given week.  The dicks that we give our award to are active dicks, people who proactively demonstrate their dickishness by taking actions that no normal human being would think to be acceptable.  As a result, it comes to our attention that there is an entire other category of people out there who perpetuate unacceptable conditions or situations in the world not through their actions, but rather through their inactions.  These people are not dicks; these people are pussies.

Of course, our blog is called Dick of the Week, not Pussy of the Week (though I’m betting that name would get a lot more page views).  There will be no Pussy of the Week award, but occasionally circumstances require us to recognize certain pussies who come to our attention.  This is such a time, and the pussy in question is the Commissioner of the National Football League, Mr. Roger Goodell.  Our regular readers will remember that Brett Favre was the second entry into our Dick Hall of Fame. Roger Goodell was, this week, presented with a unique opportunity to take down this legendary dick by suspending him for the lewd and suggestive text messages and pictures that he sent Jets sideline reporter Jenn Sterger.  Sorry, that he allegedly sent Jets sideline reporter Jenn Sterger.

Fooled you for a second. Admit it.

Yes, as commissioner, Goodell was given the opportunity to take action against an aging former superstar who has milked his fame for all the publicity that he possibly could to the point that America literally, as a whole, cheered every time he was driven into the turf….and he punted.  Goodell simply stated that their investigation could not prove that Favre sent the text messages in question, and so he had not violated the NFL’s personal conduct policy.  Uh huh.

Let’s remember for a second that this is the man who suspended Ben Roethlisberger for four games for violating the league’s personal conduct policy during a rape investigation.  Since Ben was cleared of the charges, apparently Goodell suspended him for putting himself in an unfortunate situation by…uh…being in a nightclub and fucking a hot, willing girl.  For fucking SHAME, Ben.  We question the decision to do it in a nightclub bathroom but honestly, that’s your choice.  The point here is that the man was more than happy to suspend Roethlisberger for the mere suspicion of wrongdoing, but BRETT FAVRE, the Golden Boy of the NFL, needs ironclad evidence that the dong in question belongs to him.  Jesus, he showers with his Goddamn teammates, couldn’t someone have just asked them to compare it against the photos?

In any case, Favre had already admitted that the pathetic voicemails left on Sterger’s phone were from him, was it really that hard to make the leap that the dick pictures also came from him?  Does Goodell just assume that Ms. Sterger just happened to have two sad, lonely stalkers fixated on her at the exact same time?

Okay, maybe that part isn't so far fetched.

Oh, and let’s not forget that Goodell did impose a fine on Favre: a $50,000 fine being “uncooperative” during the investigation process.  Uncooperative?  How much cooperation could possibly be necessary beyond answering the questions, “hey, Brett, does this phone number belong to you and oh by the way is this your dick?”  How could Brett failing to answer these questions or outright lying about them possibly imply anything other than guilt, especially to Roger “Suspensions For Everyone” Goodell?  But no, Favre was again given preferential treatment, much to the dismay of Sterger’s attorney.

The point here is that Goodell had the opportunity to suspend Brett Favre and cap a storied career that has ended in perhaps the most ignominious way possible with a richly deserved suspension.  We all know that Brett Favre is a tremendous dick, and no one would have blamed Goodell for suspending Favre on evidence that was every bit as strong as that against Ben Roethlisberger.  Hell, the league just suspended Patriots linebacker Brandon Spikes for taking his ADD medication.  Apparently ADD is a greater offense than slinging your dong around the Verizon network.  So, thanks to Roger Goodell’s inaction, Favre is free to ride off into the sunset and (presumably) the Hall of Fame.  For declining to hand down the suspension that Favre deserved in some strange attempt to save face for the league and a legend of the game, Roger Goodell has demonstrated himself to be a tremendous pussy, and for that we recognize him.

No doubt his proudest moment.

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