The 5 Sports Fans who Actually Have a Right to Complain

Every town that has a losing team in some professional sport decides that their grief deserves the most attention.  NO ONE has it worse than they do, except for the other towns that do have it worse.   And who cares about those fans you’ve never met?   They just don’t understand!   Boston fans were like this for a long time, and we loved them for it.  They were the Chicken Little waiting for sky to fall, the bottom to drop out, the good times to end.  That attitude was tragic then, and after their success it just makes them unbearable bad sports. “We KNEW we were going to lose to the Giants, that game was always going to turn out like that.”  Please cry into your 3 Super Bowls in 4 years.   This list is different.  These sports fans have not seen a championship in decades and have been forced to endure countless turmoil on top of their losing seasons.  These are fans so cynical and dejected that they basically support their hometown team only because it gives them some sort of self-hating pleasure.  Or they are transfixed, as we all are, in the prospect of next year…

To add some context for this list:

We only selected towns that had multiple sports franchises and only took into account professional sports franchises in the 4 major sports of Football Baseball Basketball and Ice Hockey.  It is too hard to consider college teams and if you are a fan of some smaller sport it doesn’t qualify as mainstream in our eyes.   We also factored in how intense fans were about the sports in question.  I understand the Florida Panthers have never won a Stanley Cup, but somehow I don’t think that hockey resonates with the general public down there.  So lets jump in, shall we?

"Remember these guys?"

 

5. Seattle, WA:  Mariners, Seahawks, Sonics.

A quick glance, Seattle has been a part of major sports since the 1970’s and the city does have one championship in 1979 for Basketball to hold onto. Their fans are passionate given that their 12th man has been notorious for coaxing NFL Quarterbacks  into off-sides penalties. They also have managed to sync a lot of their jerseys with the same lime green color which speaks to the unity a lot of fans feel with their sports teams. However, they have failed in every attempt since 1979 to secure another title in a major sport.  The Seahawks made their magical run to the Super Bowl only to lose to Big Ben. The Mariners have been lucky enough to find talents and draft talents such as Ken Griffey Jr., Randy Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, and Ichiro Suzuki. However, the market was just too small for the owners to afford to keep all their great players. They have watched all but Ichiro walk away in free agency or a last minute deal due to pending free agency without attaining much major success. These issues are frustrating enough for any town to deal with but the major reason they make this list is because of the franchise they lost.

The Seattle Supersonics were sold to a group from Oklahoma City in 2006 to become the franchise now known as the Oklahoma City Thunder. The idea at first was not to move team but that keyed on a new arena deal which seems to be a standard demand for most franchises these days. The team had a lease but was having problems staying in their current facility which prompted them forcing a legal battle to escape their lease earlier than was planned. This eventually was successful and the team was moved to Oklahoma in 2008. To add salt in the wound, the team had been SO bad for so long that owners had accumulated a number of high lottery draft picks in players like Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. Now the Oklahoma City Thunder (I don’t get it either) are one of the top teams in the NBA and seem ready to compete for the title for many years.  All that pain and suffering of losing your team punctuated by seeming someone else bearing the fruit of your losing seasons…not exactly a good feeling. David Stern’s grin fucking won’t go really far to soothing Seattle.  I personally don’t see how a consolation franchise could make you feel better.  That team doesn’t always have the same feel as the one that got away.  Any new Seattle team would have a clean slate and lack the history of the team that left.  Later, we will get into that type of pain in a little more detail.

....sure you are

4. Cincinnati, OH Bengals and Reds

The city of Cincinnati has a strong baseball history with the Reds but their team’s success has started to fade into history. They have been shockingly mediocre since their last World Series in 1990, and seem to spend more time debating whether Pete Rose (a member of the Famed Big Red Machine) should be in the Hall of Fame and less about the success of the current roster. But many midwest franchises have fallen on hard times recently with the financial explosion of baseball.  You either have to be ready to spend more money than the Philadelphia’s and the St. Louis’s or hope to draft well and put together the right combination of home grown talent (i.e. Moneyball).  This team is at least more dignified than the calamity of the Bengals franchise that is also in the city.

The Bengals have never taken home a title to the town which, much like the rest of the Midwest, adores football. But the way the Bengals fail have really made sports fans cringe. The countless draft busts in supposed franchise saving players such as Akili Smith, David Klingler and Ki-Jana Carter have been poster boys for the losing seasons that made most fans go to the games wearing paper bags.  They have made some recent strides at success but those years have not come without turmoil. Least we forget this video. The team had a group of selfish players, many of whom have become the poster boys for “character risks”. We aren’t talking about Chad Ochojohnson, we are talking about Cedric Benson being arrested, the tragic career of Chris Henry, the recent folly of Jerome Simpson (you know, the guy whose flip was on ESPN Top Plays for like 4 months), and Adam Pacman Jones because the team thought they could handle them.  Every time we see the Bengals have some success they punctuate it with off the field problems that lead to suspensions, and unfortunately, after this playoff run, one can only hope it doesn’t happen again

Worst 0 for 4 EVER

3. Buffalo, NY  The Bills and the Sabres

Buffalo at first doesn’t seem that tragic. The Sabres are a fairly old franchise that hasn’t managed to get over the Stanley Cup hump but they have very committed fans and a new hope with the Pegula ownership group. The Bills Fans are constantly at the top of the “Best Tailgating list.” The fans seemed really energized with the early season success of the Bills this year, and you have to respect the passion of these fans considering it’s so god damn cold up there. We just have to ask, if these fans are such dedicated fun people, HOW CAN THEY KEEP GOING AFTER LOSING FOUR STRAIGHT SUPER BOWLS. FOUR. IN. A. ROW.  IN.  FOUR. YEARS.  Jim Kelly has to be one of the saddest people out there.  You’d think that they would get lucky once.  You honestly cannot make that one up.  Is this the town that “Any given Sunday” forgot?  They haven’t made the playoffs since the late 90’s!.    Losing is one thing but long term failure after 4 straight heartbreaking defeats in the biggest football game of the year….just feels too tragic.  Maybe one year Buffalo finally win one, but that’s got to be just as bad as some of the baseball curses.

D'awwwww

2. Cleveland, OH Browns and Cavaliers, Indians.

Sorry Lebron. This isn’t all about you.

This is about the Cleveland Browns. A team that had its glory days back in the 1960’s. Their last playoff appearance was in 2002 and they have their own recent history of draft busts such as Tim Couch and Courtney Brown. The real tragedy was how they ended up losing their franchise for a few years.

Relocation stories can be tragic but some have happy endings.  The Baltimore Colts moved to Indianapolis, but Baltimore got a franchise and both the Colts and Ravens have won Super Bowls and enjoyed many winning seasons in recent memory.  Baltimore happened to get its franchise by relocating Cleveland’s historic franchise to Baltimore, and Cleveland got….an expansion team.  Nice.  Not quite the same.  Having an established franchise versus building one from the ground up just sucks.  You KNOW your team is bad and that you are going to have to endure early failures for at least 2-3 years before hoping to compete.  The expansion team got to keep the Browns name and legacy but that didn’t change the fact that the fans didn’t have football for THREE YEARS. The fans were famously violent after their final home game and did a number on the stadium. The real stick in the eye was that the new Baltimore franchise would go on to win the Super Bowl 4 years after relocation, which can only make fans annoyed that their team could have had a long awaited Super Bowl. Instead they lost their team and got to start over while many players that they drafted got to hoist the trophy the Dawg Pound has is still waiting for.

The Cleveland Indians have also been fairly unsuccessful outside of losing the 1997 World Series to the Florida Marlins. They last brought a championship to Cleveland in 1948, which just increases the championship drought of this town. LeBron James energized the town when he was drafted because he was a local talent who was tabbed as the next Michael Jordan, which made the town feel that long awaited success was just around the corner. But in the end, a few failed playoff runs made James make an over-hyped “Decision” to play with another group of All Stars in Miami. But he was not the wound, he’s merely more salt poured in the wound. He might get booed when he goes to play there, but Art Modell (Browns/Ravens owner) basically had to choose not to return to Ohio (not the worst thing ever).

You know, this New York

1. New York, NY.  Specifically a fan who supports the Jets, Knicks, Islanders, Mets.

I must be abundantly clear about this choice: I AM NOT GIVING NEW YORKERS A LICENSE TO COMPLAIN. I just happen to know a lot of people who support these 4 teams, and recent events have made me pity their sports choices. If you are a New Yorker who happens to like 3 of these teams but like the Rangers, Yankees, Giants..you are not a championship starved fan and are just a dick.

A New York Jets, New York Mets, New York Islanders, and New York Knicks fan. New York is that town that every league has been trying to cram two(three) franchises in since the dawn of American Sports. The owners’ thirst for consistent revenue has torn many New Yorkers in different directions when considering who to support. While you can’t say EVERY New Yorker thinks like this, you can’t deny that some of these sad sacks do exist.

The New York Jets have been forced to endure 4 crosstown Super Bowls since their lowly triumph in Super Bowl III when many Americans were still not into the NFL. Fortune gifted them Rex Ryan whose lust for feet and overselling his team have made two bad near misses at the Super Bowl hurt even more when the Giants celebrated. This year, the Super Bowl could have been named the Rex Ryan bowl. A scenario where the Jets fan was forced to either watch the Giants gain their second Super Bowl under once hated Coach Coughlin and Quarterback Eli Manning OR watch Brady and Belichick walk away with their Fourth Super Bowl in recent memory.

The New York Mets. Meet the Mets, Meet the Mets, Come on out and please please buy the Mets. This team has had its share of bad losses and hard luck but many fans seemed to take the high road because the Yankees were the evil empire and they were the likeable brother by default. They had their uplifting World Series titles that they could cling on to. But recent failures have made it hard to remember 25 years ago; the team has slammed into rock bottom because of their involvement in Bernie Madoff’s elaborate ponzi scheme defrauding investors out of countless amounts of money. Trustees are seeking over 386 Million Dollars from the club alone and that’s not the only problem with this. Many of the lucrative contracts the Mets were handing out over the years involved future bonuses, which they decided to sink into (wait for it) Bernie Madoff accounts.  No one can be an optimist in this situation. The team is in a financial hole that has WAY too many zeros in it. You can already see the fallout from this: the team was forced to watch beloved homegrown shortstop Jose Reyes walk to Division Rival Miami (Florida) without so much as an offer, and they will most likely be forced to watch another organizational favorite in David Wright walk away unless someone can find a way to walk them out of their multi-million dollar debt.

The New York Islanders. No one can remember, with much detail, the 4 Stanley Cups. The Islanders have made bad business moves, bad financial moves, bad free agent moves, bad management moves, bad drafting moves, bad political moves….just bad. The team was recently denied a new arena by voters and has even had press when season ticket holders were trying to find ways of destroying their tickets. I will only give you a couple examples of their poor moves because frankly I do not have the patience. Alexi Yashin was, once, a huge point scoring machine for the Ottawa Senators. The Islanders made a blockbuster deal to trade for Yashin by dealing the Number 2 overall Selection in the 2001 draft, forward Bill Muckalt, and a lankly 6’9” player by the name of Zdeno Chara. The draft pick was used for Jason Spezza who has been a very productive NHL player and Chara would go on to captain the Stanley Cup winning Boston Bruins. Yashin was immediately signed to a 10 year contract, which, even after being bought out in 2007, was counted against the Islanders salary cap until 2011. Next, Rick DiPietro, the number one overall selection in the 2000 draft was supposed to be the next big thing in goaltending (I’ll gloss over Roberto Luongo being drafted a few years before by the Islanders). They took him over two highly touted forwards in Marian Gaborik and Dany Heatley, (both turned into are very productive NHLers) while Rick DiPietro has been a perennial unhealthy scratch since he signed a 15-year 67.5 million dollar deal. They are going to be paying this man until 2021. I don’t know many players I would want to commit to for 15 years but a goaltender with a history of (sometimes comical) injury problems is NOT one of them. Seriously, were other teams beating down the door trying to sign this guy? He’s had how many surgeries? Done! Sorry, I’m going to stop, I’m actually starting to feel bad.

The Knicks have not won a title in a very long time and even with the Jeremy Lin era starting, there is very little to hold onto. They had good players during the Jordan era which means they didnt win anything and they also have had their own Islanders-esque contracts in Allan Houston and have seem incapable of truly breaking up with Isaiah Thomas.

So there you have it! These are the top 5 tragic sports fans. Feel free to disagree, I just felt the financial woes of the New York teams pushed them just ahead of Cleveland, but feel free to comment.  One can only hope that one of these cities gets lucky enough to see another championship. Here is a short list of teams that are quite close to making this list in the near future:

Minnesota: The Twins success just keeps fading into history and the Wild have not done much of note.  Oh yeah that Brett Favre thing didn’t really work either.
Kansas City: Chiefs haven’t been great and the Royals have not been competitive for a while.
Oakland: Billy Bean era may have run it’s course and the Raiders are…the Raiders.

The redemption list:

When I was making this list, I thought about what it would have looked like 10-15 years ago and it is rather surprising to see the cities that have fallen off it. This makes me think that the 5 cities on the list are truly cursed.

Philadelphia: Thanks to the Phillies, no more 1980 talk. I know they would love a Super Bowl but you can’t really complain that much after a World Series (or you can).

New Orleans: What a change. No longer the Aint’s, few of us can even remember that era anymore.

Tampa Bay: Just like the Saints, we can put away the Yucks nickname thanks to the Buccaneers.

Boston: Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins. Wow we learned to hate this town really really quickly.

A Bunch of Dicks including the Kardashians

Greetings once again to all of our loyal dick of the week followers.  We are so sorry that we neglect all of you for whatever reason that we do.  If you were a pet or house plant, you most certainly would have died.  I want to construct this post by building up to the dick I wanted to profile by inserting some stories that have recently been bothering me.

Our bad

Angry Birds reaches 300 million players.  Does anyone see the problem with this?  Every time I see a cut of hours spent of Facebook and Gmail and Google+ and angry birds…I question how much lost work time that is.  Seriously, I know way too many people who keep spare phone chargers at work just so they can keep those wonderful 2 hour battery life full screen wonders working.  Plus, it’s not like your gaining anything from this.  It’s a game of angles that allows you to knock things over….what is this?  pong, tetris, DXBall (classic 90s time waster). At least read some news, do something constructive.  But playing a crappy game that requires little to no skill really does nothing but waste your time with no benefit.  Just imagine how you’ll feel if your high score ever got deleted!  If you answer that question with anything even remotely close to despair, you are playing the game too much.

DX BALL

Over the weekend, a group of 5 Clemson students managed to get arrested for stealing breakfast cereal from the school cafeteria after hours.  This story was troubling for two reasons.  The first being the fact that college students went as far as to steal cereal…at night.  Seriously, cafeterias are tailor-made for little swipes here and there.  Loaf of bread here, ketchup bottle here, tub of ice cream once in a while (Panini Press?).  Are half of my plates and bowls from MY college cafeteria?  Maybe, but those luxuries are expensive and these ones were made for heavy-duty washing (Translation: Never buying new ones).  I also get all of my glasses from free giveaways at bars, but that is another story.  Going out of your way to steal something like cereal just puts you in needless legal trouble and honestly it’s more effort than it’s probably worth.  If you’re going to get busted, get busted stealing a whole pig or a bunch of steaks…..Not something like ramen.

After loans, this is all you can afford

The second (bigger) problem is that the bail for this crime was set at 5,407 dollars.  The crime involved 5 kids and bags of Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks, Captain Crunch and Cocoa Puffs.  I don’t care if 5,407 STUDENTS raided the cafeteria after hours, these are college students.  The amount of money doesn’t matter in this case, it’s more the fact that it IS money.  Think about it, you just got robbed by 5 people who clearly could not afford cereal…I bet if bail was set at 20 dollars they would show up for court.  No need to flip out over a few dollars worth of cereal.

How dare you take things you paid for with your tuition!

And finally, our winner this day.  Kim Kardashian sues Old Navy over lookalike in ads.  Listen, I usually don’t pick on people who have intellects that rival a 4th grader, but this was just too ridiculous.  This lawsuit says that Kardashian “has invested substantial time, energy, finances and entrepreneurial effort in developing her considerable professional and commercial achievements and success, as well as in developing her popularity, fame, and prominence in the public eye.”  Here’s the thing, these commercials at no point reference Ms. Kardashian, they really only infringe on her by having someone who looks exactly like her.  In fact, this person might surpass her because, as far as I can tell, she can sing, which would be a step up.

Hold on, this is a tough one...

This is funny because usually lookalikes are a joke, good-natured humor about two people who happen to look strikingly similar.  However, most celebrities provide some talent that can’t just be visually mimicked.  Like the Obama double, you can’t really copy Obama.  You couldn’t copy Tom Brady because Tom Brady has a discernible set of skills that would make the difference between the two readily apparent.  Singer, writers, musicians, athletes all have a skill that really can’t be copied, which is exactly why Kim Kardashian got so very angry over this doppelgänger (No WAY she knows what this means) stealing her skill of….wearing clothes?  Smiling?  Oh, I’ve got it!  Being tan.  Seriously, if your only skill is being a rich airhead, you can’t get too angry when someone new and younger comes and takes your place in this market.  Right Paris?  Just because Jersey Shore and The Kardashians have taken all of your attention, you can still get by on your talents.  Have your dad pay to make you another album!  Or do another sex tape, those seem to go over well!  The sky is the limit….kinda.  Editor’s note: We are very sad that a class of people such as this exists.  So, Kim, we are sad this took so long but you win this dick of the week.

Mark Halperin

Most people probably missed it, and the media probably won’t cover it because it really isn’t that big of a deal, but the fact remains that Mark Halperin, a TIME political analyst, called President Obama a dick on live television today.

Look Mark. I agree with you. I do. President Obama is kind of a dick a lot of the time. But this is our turf, and we’d appreciate it if you’d back the fuck off. You think you can just stumble your way into the calling people dicks field? We’re professionals, Mark, and we’re not just going to let this shit slide. Don’t try to bust in on our territory again.  And definitely don’t spend the next 20 minutes apologizing like you and the rest of the Morning Joe crew did after your little slip up. It’s embarrassing and degrading to those of us in the field.

We’re on the front lines here, Mark. If you’re going to try to muscle in on our turf, do it like a man.

UPDATE: Mark Halperin has been suspended indefinitely from his analyst role at MSNBC. See Mark? This is what happens when you stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.

BREAKING NEWS: Being alive increases chances of death

Greetings loyal readers!  It is time for me to explain my extremely cryptic title.  Sorry, unfortunately this is not a joke….By being alive, you increase your chances of dying.   This is my attempt to digest the alarming trend in health related news that I have noticed and my attempt to explain it.  Now these stories spark the interest of the average reader because they seem simple enough, person X didn’t know what that swelling in the back of their throat was.  Oh it’s nothing, just let it go.  Get’s larger, cold drugs don’t work.  They decide to see a doctor and BAM cockroach in the throat!..Wait that was an urban legend?  But it didn’t stop the news media from writing about it, did it?

For you see, this area of news reporting is very easy to mistake for completely legitimate.  They consult with doctors, they bring real cases, and they can do some real good by alerting people to take better care of themselves.  Hell we only need to glance at the obesity rate to realize that we are killing ourselves with food.  But just because Sanjay Gupta sounds legitimate every time, it doesn’t mean he’s not trying to serve you up a nice steaming pile of sensationalist crap (Not to pick on Dr. Gupta persay, he just happens to be a figure I’d assume you’d all recognize).  But let’s get started, shall we?

Not Sanjay Gupta

Dr. Gupta wrote an article praising a study about how to live to 100.  Very interesting tag line “Live to 100 years old.”  Who wouldn’t want to do that?  Well, me for one…but that has more to do with a fear of adult diapers and a hatred of needles, which seem impossible to avoid at that age.  But the article points out all the little things that we can do to increase our lifespan.  Flossing adds a year, a 5-day work week adds a year and a half,  and I will say I tried really hard to complete this survey thing but I am suspicious of anything that asks for my zip code.  I did take a look at the framework and its pretty simple (+1/-1).

Subtract 4 years from life expectancy

So you can add yourself up a pretty nice lifespan or you could end up dead.  Phrasing things this way can make people think that something such as life expectancy is so easy to control.  If go on a +30 years vegetarian diet and get hit by a bus, well shit that was a waste of time.  Not to be crass but this ultimately is a method to gauge your overall health and you shouldn’t try to sensationalize it by making it seem so concrete.  Do I think making some of the changes would be beneficial to the average person?  Yes.  Do I think you’re going to be able to pin point that flossing was the reason you checked out at 87 instead of 85?  Probably not.  But we can’t phrase it in general terms can we?  That’s not interesting!  Let’s go for another fun one.

Sitting. Television.  For those of you rubes who were unaware, you are 18% more likely to die early if you watch a lot of television and 40% more likely to die prematurely if you sit a lot versus not sitting a lot.  Holy shit we are pretty much fucked, right?  I mean these are the big changes.  Yeah you could floss but your job has you sit 8 hours a day! Not to mention going home and sitting watching television.  We call that the death double team.  Now you have to choose either dying from sitting on your fat ass all day or living and starving to death standing around to be unemployed.  Quite the dilemma.  And as you read on, the author mentions heart disease and other obesity related maladies.  Hmm it couldn’t be that people who lead largely sedentary lifestyles are more likely to develop health problems that could lead to their premature death, could it?  The guy sitting on his couch 8 hours after 8 at work is probably also the guy who orders an entire pizza for dinner, but, no….that sounds reasonable.  No one would bother to read that.  Oh and thanks for just tossing in the whole “men are 20% more likely to die than women.”  Which happens to be a running theme of these articles.

What's the betting this has something to do with it?

Yes, many of these writers correctly ascertain that men are not the normal demographic of these pieces.  Clearly, they realize we just don’t care if that fourth beer is signing our own death warrant, you’re not going to change us.  But what if you scared the women around us into putting pressure on us?  For you see, these articles all ways refer to us as “men” or “your man”; while women are addressed as “you.”  And here is what women are being told about us.  Just take a minute to drink it all in.  It’s quite fantastic.  You can’t be tired, because you have sleep apnea!  Pain in your stomach?  Kidney stone or tumor.  Shitting blood?  It’s wasn’t those 35 hot wings you ate; you’ve got bladder cancer….or tumors.  In fact, that seems to be the running theme of this article: If its not 100% functioning, go to the doctor because you might be dying from cancer and/or tumors.  You turned a well intentioned article about getting persistent medical problems checked out into HOLY FUCKING SHIT GET TO YOUR DOCTOR DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED YOU ARE!??!?!?!!?  And we take a moment to ask, why?  Because it sounds more interesting when you do it that way, and god forbid the author didn’t get any attention.  And when authors do this, they tend to create panic and make people worry about things that are really in their heads.

It’s like the guy who goes on WebMD and diagnosis himself correctly.  For every one of those, I bet there are at least 10 hypochondriacs climbing up the wall for no reason.  Take the 10PM news caster that leads in with, “There’s a rapist in your area are you safe?”  Yeah, it might be scary, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the normal precautions that you usually do for your safety.  The world’s a scary place but you don’t need to freak out about every little terrible thing that is occurring or that COULD occur.  I wouldn’t need to get agitated about it if stories like this weren’t posted ALL.  OVER.  THE. WEB.  To be fair this list of things killing men is actually wrong.  It should read 5. Beer 4.Beef and Bacon 3. Women 2. Unexpected cleavage 1. and sensationalist reporters who could barely pass as high school “journalists.”  But I digress.

These medical journalists can probably help a lot of people out by passing along information about eating right and exercising.  That’s good.  But if you’re going to start blowing things our of proportion to get our attention about how we live our lives, well that just makes you a dick.

Women

Calm down. I know, I know–the title. But hear me out here, I have very specific reasons for this post.  Regular readers will know that yours truly is a huge Boston sports fan, so naturally I couldn’t have been happier when Zdeno Chara lifted the Stanley Cup approximately 80 feet in the air.

Despite some urging to do an entry on the Vancouver Canucks for their behavior during the Finals and an overwhelming urge to write one about the assholes who bring their children to victory parades (did I mention I attended the parade? Because I definitely flew up for the parade), I held off.  However, the Bruins’ championship has sparked a realization in me: women have it too easy.

Think about this for a moment. I’m sure may of you have seen the pictures of Bruins players celebrating after the win.  The Dallas Mavericks were the same way.  For those less informed, I’ll share a couple below:

Brad Marchand, killing it as usual.

Dirk Nowitzki killing it...ironically.

Tyler Seguin, just...I don't...God DAMN.

These guys are partying as hard as physically possible, and GOOD FOR THEM!  Lets’ take a look at that last picture in particular, though.  Look at the quality of tail that Tyler Sequin is rolling in.  And you know the other Mavs and Bruins players aren’t any different.  Just look at those women.  Tyler Seguin can, for all intents and purposes, have his pick of them.

And therein lies the problem.  Male athletes are hot.  It’s just a fact. They’re sex symbols, and rightly so.  And when men win championships, what do they do?  They go out and get BLASTED.  And what do they do when they get blasted? They have sex with any number of random women.

I know what you’re thinking. “What’s the problem with that?” you ask.  I’ll tell you what the problem is.  There’s no reciprocity!

Think about it.  Realistically, any woman in AMERICA could theoretically fuck an elite athlete and sex symbol just by being in the right place at the right time.  Ladies, you heard me right.  You see those pictures up there?  If you were in that bar, you had a chance to fuck Tyler Seguin.  And that’s just a fact.

But women?  First of all, female athletes are rarely hot.  The best of them typically hover around the Venus and Serena Williams level.  And Williamses, I love you, but you’re not sex symbols.

No matter how hard Sports Illustrated may try.

The second issue lies in the fact that elite female athletes rarely play team sports.  Think about the top female athletes from the past decade. The Williamses? Anna Kournikova?  Annika Sörenstam?  Fuck, I don’t know…Tara Lipinski?   I’m stretching, aren’t I?  The point is, none of them played team sports that would make them run out and celebrate afterwords.  Hell, I wouldn’t be complaining if, after the Olympics, Misty May and whatever her teammate’s name was went out and got hammered and had gold medal sex with a bunch of guys.  But they just don’t.

And the sad fact is that even women who play team sports don’t celebrate this way.  Remember when the US Women’s National Soccer Team won the women’s World Cup?

Trust me, you remember.

If Brandi Chastain went out and fucked the whole stadium after that, that’d be one thing.  But she didn’t.  They celebrated all classy-like.  And Mia Hamm, the hottest, most high profile female athlete of them all, what did she do?  She married Nomar Garciaparra.  Another athlete.  Didn’t fuck him–married him.  Not a regular guy, not a bar rat–another athlete. It’s not right.

And you...fuck you.

We men will just have to accept the fact that, while any bar skank can have an opportunity to fuck a top shelf guy, Natalie Portman will never go on a blowjob spree after winning an Oscar.

It’s a fundamental disparity, and it’s a damn shame.

Another Keith Olbermann Update

We’ve made no secret of the fact that Keith Olbermann is one of the reasons that this blog was founded.  It’s not even that we hate Keith.  We kind of like him, in what I imagine is the same sort of inexplicable way that old people like small dogs that bark nonstop and pee on the carpet.  Keith reminds us that there will never be a shortage of dicks to write about, and, even better, proves time and again that even if we DID run out of dicks, we could always just write a post a day about him.  When Keith was fired from left MSNBC, we gloated a little.  After all, he was our inaugural Dick of the Week.  And even though we have retired the award, Keith’s achievement is still important.  Did we hope he would be gone forever? Maybe. Did we think he would actually disappear? Sadly, no.

Has Keith let unemployment get to him? You be the judge. (Photo courtesy of WEBN-TV)

In any case, Keith’s new show, creatively named “Countdown with Keith Olbermann,” will premier on the Current TV network tonight.  Current TV, you ask?  Despite Keith referring to it as a “start-up” network, this little Al Gore owned station has been around for six years now, and by our estimation is up to perhaps as many as a dozen subscribers!

We were hoping Keith would be off the airwaves for good, but, the way we see it, a show on Current TV might be a fate worse than death.

Of course, the real question remains: if Keith Olbermann rants and no one is tuned in to hear it, does he make a sound?

Softball on the National Mall

Greetings to all.  Yes, we have returned from a brief hiatus to inform you of the people that we think are dicks in this world.  In the coming weeks we will continue to point out the most abhorrent people out there (famous and lesser known);  while at the same time, pushing to further explore the depths of meaning in the word “dick”.  We will not be doing the traditional “Dick of the Week” or “Dick Hall of Fame”.  Those titles can be rather restricting, so we are just going to inform you of a dick and give you as much information as we can at that time.  Now, let me draw your attention to a new phenomena which has drawn our ire lately.

Can you spot the American pastime?

For those who are unaware, the national mall is listed as having 15 softball fields on its premises.  15?  Really?  Where do they happen to partake in this activity?  On the grass in the middle of the mall.  Oh, that seems a little odd but let’s go further to explore this topic.  For the record, we are not against beer league softball.  If anyone needs THAT much of an excuse to sit around and drink with a bunch of people, more power to you.  Softball is the sport for you.  But the problem lies more with the type of people and location.  From experience, this environment is ripe for exerting dickish qualities.  The first example is the mutual circle jerk of past accomplishments.  Many of these participants are quick to point out that they were the MAN when they were in high school.  They were great athletes at every sport, and that makes them the best slow-pitch softball player around.  Phrases such as: Dude I was such a good baseball player back in the day or I was really good at baseball but decided to focus on other things.   Yeah, no. We totally believe you.  This completely explains why you are on a co-ed softball team and not playing on a major league baseball team right now.  And I am sure that you were the man on your Division 3C state championship team back in Delaware.  Next there is that element of taking the game just too damn seriously.

Even Kramer says that's a dick move

These are the guys you played flag football with back in college who took the time to draw up a play book and would actually call out plays instead of pointing at someone and saying “Run over there.”  Seriously, you have to accept that your athletic dream just didn’t happen, and the slow-pitch softball league is just not the place to let out your pent-up frustration.

But no, some players take the time to cut the sleeves off their 10 dollar team shirt with a terrible pun on it (Seriously why?).  You can also tell exactly who plays in these leagues because they are the ones who walk on the metro with their old bat bags from high school.  We get it, you play in a softball league, we don’t care.  And there is absolutely no chance of us engaging you to talk about it.  Though these are the guys you have to watch out for on the field because once they get those guts moving, Newton’s laws of motion allow them to put a bit of power into those fluttering pitches.  And those metal bats—wait, metal bats?  You guys use metal bats on the mall?  What is this, Tee Ball?  The mall is a tenth of a mile wide.  You need a metal bat to help you get that little bit of extra power to hit a larger ball thrown to you underhand?  Clearly that girl you’ve been hitting on is going to have to rethink your gallant sports stories from high school.  This is one of the few times that I will say safety is a slight issue.  The National Mall is a very high traffic area, and if you foul off a pitch (doesn’t seem that unlikely) you take the head off of anyone because honestly, it’s not a setting that one should be expecting to be struck by a ball.  By no means am I advocating for the safety tourists, in fact, I find the masses of color coordinated shirts to be rather terrifying.  And it should be legal to put your shoulder into the couple standing on both sides of the escalator when you’re trying to catch your train.  But I digress…

Playing these leagues on the mall really tears up the grass and ruins it for the rest other people because of cleats and those bases shoved into the ground.   Are we that worried that the integrity of this game will be tarnished if you home plate moves around? Because it’s not like the fees for the mall are covering the costs to regrow the grass.

The receding hairline of our nation

And at the end of the day, this is just an excuse to go out and drink away the dregs of the day, and it doubles as a shallow attempt to meet women.  Which I would not have a problem with if it wasn’t in such a public area.  A bunch of sweaty overweight congressional workers is not what our country wants to see.  Just go to the bars, please.  It’s just cutting out the middle man at this point, and we can stop the fake competitiveness.  This is just a poor attempt at socialization and half the time the teams are barely able to field full lineups.  Overall, things will be a lot better if they either stop playing these leagues on the mall or find somewhere else to play them.  And, if you’re going to drive around the mall screaming to your team that you JUST need to find parking, chances are we have labeled you a dick.

Get Ready…

A new job and a terrible case of the LSATs have put Dick of the Week on the blocks for a little while.

Expect regular posting to resume soon.

 

 

 

Fuck yeah, we’re back, baby.

 

 

 

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry #20: Atheists

Oh no, he’s not really going to go there, is he?

Yes. Yes he is.

I’m sure this is going to spur a lot of angry emails, but you can all fuck off.  Atheists are fucking annoying, and we all know it.

Before we begin, I’m going to drawn an important distinction: I’m not talking about atheists.  Lowercase ‘a’ atheists are just fine.  They choose not to believe in God, and that’s their decision.  I would never criticize someone for the religious or non-religious group to which they choose to belong (unless they’re Scientologists, in which case I hope they get hit by a bus made of cancer).  Despite what you may think, we’re actually fairly tolerant people here at Dick of the Week: we just hate people and groups of people who behave like dicks.  And capital ‘A’ Atheists are among the biggest bunch of cuntflaps I’ve ever met in my life.

What do I mean by Atheists?  I have always called them Evangelical Atheists, because that’s essentially what they are.  We have all met people like this.  If you went to college, chances are there were seventeen of them living on your dorm floor your freshman year.  They’re not hard to spot.  In fact, you don’t even really need to hear them speak to identify them.  They all look and act more or less the same.  My brother came home for Christmas during his first year of college and made an offhand comment about how his roommate was “not a big fan of religion.”

Me: “Really? Are we talking, aggressively anti-religion?”

My brother: “Yeah.”

Me: “And let me guess: he listens to a lot of bands you’ve never heard of.”

My brother: “…yeah?”

Me: “Wears a lot of flanel.”

My brother: “How…? Yeah.”

Me: “Thick rimmed glasses?”

My brother: “Have you met this kid? How the fuck do you know all this?”

Weirdly, that exchange took place before I ever saw this picture. I know it's tongue-in-cheek, but it's...it's shockingly accurate. (via RustyLime)

 

Atheists are basically religious hipsters, but they like to fashion themselves as brave fighters about the oppressive and crushing weight of our religious society.  But religion hasn’t been truly oppressive since the fucking puritans.  I grew up in New England, the WASP capital of the world, and never once did I feel the intense pressure to be religious that Atheists claim.  Fuck man, my church even had a gay pastor for about three years, and everyone in the congregation loved him.  For Atheists to claim that they are “brave rebels” against organized religion’s iron fist is akin to me claiming to be a “brave rebel” against the mole people.  In reality, Atheists are kids who never quite grew out of the need to rebel that most of us felt in high school.  I chose to dye my hair a couple times, Atheists chose to look down on the “sheeple” who “blindly” follow organized religion.

The notion that anyone who follows organized religion does so blindly is a particularly insulting one to me.  They simply are unable to accept the fact that many people like to take some things on faith (actually, I never understood that either, because every time an Atheist spends an hour lecturing me on what a blind fool I am, they are taking it on faith that I’m not going to punch them in the head).  I happen to like the doctrine of Christianity; I’ve been a Protestant since an early age.  Sure, I could leave the Church.  But why?  I may not be a particularly devout Christian, but it is something that has given me comfort during difficult times in my life, and that is certainly worth something to me and others like me.  If believing that there is no God is comforting for atheists (or even Atheists), then I can certainly find no fault with that.  But I would not ask them to alter the support system in their life that works for them.  I wish I could expect similar courtesy in return.

The trouble with Atheists is the fact that they care too much.  They will spend hours and hours lecturing you on the reasons that you should not belong to an organized religion.  Given the chance, they will tell you how reading Richard Dawkins changed their lives, how Christopher Hitchens (who, as a side note, is actually worth reading) is the greatest thinker of our time, and how if you don’t know who they are it’s because your brain has been indoctrinated by years and years of Christian propaganda.

But as I said, they are entitled to their beliefs (or lack thereof).  And them trying to convert others to their way of thinking doesn’t necessarily bother me on the surface.  I’m a republican, and I spend a lot of time trying to convince other people that I’m right.  I think Ke$ha should be eaten by wolves, and I spend a lot of time trying to convince people of that as well.

"I smell...glitter..."

So really, my problem with this “evangelical Atheism,” as I like to call it, is the fact that the very crux of their anti-religious argument almost always involves arrogant Christians trying to force their beliefs on others!

Cue the angry emails, but fuck off, Atheists.  I know you’re going to tell me how “different” it is when you do it, and how Christians (and it’s ALWAYS Christians.  I’ve never heard any Atheists talk about, say, Muslims, who hail from a far more restrictive and demanding religion–you might as well change your name from “Atheist” to “Antichristian,” because it’s much more accurate) indoctrinate you from a young age and corrupt you.  In fact, arguing with an Atheist is often always an exercise in futility, because they will conveniently dismiss any counter-argument as “propaganda” that you have “sadly” been “indoctrinated” with your entire life.  They will sadly shake their heads at your pitiable faith and walk away satisfied in their own superiority.  Having had literally dozens of these conversations (yep, I’m a moron), I can say confidently that it is enough to make you want to violate a few key Commandments.

“We don’t care about religion,” Atheists will say.  “We don’t care.  We’re happy without religion and you could be too.”  Well Atheists, here’s the thing.  Contrary to what you think, you’re actually happy with religion.  And it breaks my heart to have to tell you this.  It becomes, in reality, the defining difference between atheists and Atheists.  The atheists are happy without religion.  It isn’t something that they’ve chosen to make a part of their life, and, as such, they give it no thought outside of how it directly affects them.  The Atheists, on the other hand, have made religion their life.  They have literally defined their entire existence in relation to religion.  They aren’t just people who are not religions: they are people who are anti-religious.  Atheists are to religion as al-Qaeda is to the United States, while atheists are to religion as gophers are to the United States.  Yeah, I just compared Atheists to al-Qaeda, but if you don’t comprehend that it was just a metaphor, you’re ever worse than I thought.

In all honestly, the problem is that Atheists are hypocrites, and aggressive hypocrites at that.  They complain the Christians try to force their values down peoples’ throats, then spend two hours lecturing religious folks about how stupid they are.  They profess to not care about religion, then devote their lives to talking about it.  Many colleges even have atheist support groups.  Atheist support groups?  Why would an atheist need a support group?  A true atheist wouldn’t waste a minute of their time on religion.  In reality, these groups are little more than Atheist circle jerks, where smug, self-satisfied Atheists can congratulate each other on being so much smarter than the rest of the sheep.  Nothing like a little self-congratulation to get you through the day.

In conclusion, Atheists are literally the most annoying people on earth.  They’re like stealth evangelists: at least you can usually see it coming when a religious evangelist comes your way.  Atheists profess to hate those evangelists, and in doing so lull you into a false sense of security.  They’re the smug, hypocritical boa constrictors of faith.  Assured of their own superiority, they blast it in the face of everyone they see.  They’re dicks, plain and simple, and, frankly, I’m surprised it took us this long to get to them.

Thanks, xkcd! This should set the tone for the hate mail.

Dick Hall of Fame, Entry # 19: Ludwig Roselius

This is a very important entry for me.  It involves an issue very near and dear to my heart because my discovery of this substance at the age of six made me the man I am today (and helped me get through school).  This issue does not involve the fact that Mr. Roselius had a slightly positive opinion of National Socialism during the Third Reich (he may or may not have had a falling out with Hitler before his death).  We are not here to discuss any sympathies for unforgivable crimes that Mr. Roselius may or may not have had.  We are not here to debate the consequences of living in Germany and whether or not you could move against the hive mind that was created in the state.  And we are not going to debate whether or not his name makes him sound like a 12th century composer.  We are going to chastise this deceased individual for the creation that defines his legacy. DECAF COFFEE.

No one smiled in the 1920’s

Ludwig Roselius is the German inventor who created a process to remove the caffeine by superheating the green coffee beans with steam and then flooding them with the solvent benzol, a process he patented in 1906.  He did it because apparently he believed his father died from caffeine.  You son of a bitch.  To clarify with more source material: Ludwig is credited with the development of commercial decaffeination of coffee.  This may in fact be one of the most useless inventions since the creation of non-alcoholic beer or those jackets people put on pets.

If it can't survive with the fur it has, God didn't want it to live

Seriously people, coffee serves a purpose: keeps you awake.  Like beer it was supposed to be a singular function.  If you can’t stand the taste, you can’t drink it.  But, since people can’t let things just be, they created Smirnoff Ices and Starbucks.  And let me be clear, coffee tastes terrible.  It’s bitter, chalky and is barely palatable when you mix in cream or sugar.  So, why would this German inventor decide to take out the singular benefit of this brown elixir?  Shaddenfreude?  Why would anyone want such a product?  The only people whom this product could possibly cater to are old people, pregnant women, and people who have medical conditions that don’t allow them to drink coffee.  Ok.  That’s a rather small demographic.  I can’t imagine people missing the bitter morning ritual of pouring this steaming liquid down your gullet.  This is why smokers smoke.  When they quit they start drinking coffee until they give that up to start smoking again.  It’s cyclical  It’s called having variety in your life.

While I think I have made my point in this short space, I feel I should drive it home by pointing out the many health benefits of coffee.  Coffee has been known to reduce certain cancers, heart rhythm problems, strokes, diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, and dementia.  And while there may be no solid proof that its the caffeine that causes these things, we ask why you wouldn’t take the safe route?  It’s like letting your cousin fix your brakes instead of a mechanic.  You pay more for the security of knowing the job was done right.  And given the alternatives, I think I speak for everyone here at Dick of the Week when I say, “I’ll hang out with the constipated people with brown teeth who yell at each other about their headaches at 4am.”  There, I think I go the bulk of the negatives out.

All of this ranting about decaf coffee who be unnecessary if this man hadn’t bothered to invent it.  And, I know, if it wasn’t him it would have been someone else.  Well I don’t give two shits about that.  He’s still the guy who invented it and if it wasn’t him, I would be writing about some other dick.  The point is, this is a substance that really has helped a lot of people get through tough patches of their lives when sleeping was not a luxury.  You gotta do what you gotta do, and it’s crazy to try to trivialize the importance of something that is so important.  If we didn’t have coffee, night watchmen might not stay awake, crab fisherman couldn’t get through the rough times, and we probably wouldn’t have as many lawyers (which actually might not be the worst thing in the world, but I digress).  Also, we have made the point before that people need to be responsible for how they use certain products, but pulling the old switcharoo won’t work in this situation.  But at least this can’t get any worse.

Wow, just when you thought it couldn't get worse.

Ok, I can kind of accept someone saying they love the smell of coffee and are stuck on the ritual of making it every morning, but if you’re going to try to drink instant decaf…just buy a diet Coke.  Seriously.  Instant coffee is even worse in taste and is really just there when you need something quick to drink.  I’m still not sure why Starbucks thinks you’ll pay 1$ a pouch for their decaf instant coffee.  Actually, I’m kind of glad that this guy lost rights to his brand of instant coffee after WWI.  So, there you have it, this German inventor who may have had Nazi sympathies is your new Hall of Famer for inventing the useless product: Decaf Coffee.